Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20111027

co paid. why? they're just going to blow it on sike student lobe debt. the patriot act. but what do you get for everything? c stephen: thank y t us. please. sit down. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen,knows i'm an lover. fish. i am incensed every time peta speak the evidently all they care about is cereal and insurance. [laugh folks peta is speaking for the whales. >> talk about rights under the u.s. cons peta the people for the ethicaleatment of saying these horses are essentiallylaves. steep -- >> really? how many slaves got to hang out all day at a water park? peta is wresting their case on 13th prohibiting slave involuntary servitude, does not specify only humans can be victims. it' legal refer "air bud defense" evidently there is nothing in the rule book th says whales can't slave disney, call me. [laughter] peta's lawsuit is frivolous, folks, and cnn turned to "colbert report" legal anaome insight into whether the court will apply the fifth amendment in th there is one court or one judge in the united states who er than people, i would be ver is implicit that it only applies to p >> stephen: whales say ot however, corporations like seaworld are people. supreme court says so.have to rationsrespect and not cage them w ethical treatment of animals. we must let sea wo way god intended a marine amusement park complex to live, in its natural s it's fr on a dolphin train a walrus to play or tea lions to dan tceilto is thriller ♪ a fitting tribute considering that by [audience reacts] it's sad. i'm just as sad...ust as [laughter] delicious food that you can throw at a crossing boy andly cross where i want. tomatoes and their east coast variant tomatoes are part of the sandwich the an i am not saying that because this showhe blt council, but to be clear the club sandwich is a lightly toasted unholy three-way whose simple triple-decker threatens the sanctity of read your bible folks. god ordainedould be between two slices of no exceptions. leviticus 2018.is not the only threat to the american way of lunchhanks tos, our country's tomato plumb screwed. country, hispanic workers off ving the state in >> these farmers they're facing their fruits and ing in the fields because ough farm workers. >> farmers are reportedly short-handed because immigrants have fled the sghest in the nation immigration >> stephen: yes, hispanic farm workers have fled stealing yet another thing americans would like to do, and all just [laughter] just because the passed the alabama... folks and it's all just because the state passed an that requires police to check papers during routine traffic stops and makes it a crport, harbor or immigrants. oh,o-hoo, amigos. mexican word is for ca hoe all alabama was trying to do was free up these farm jobs that los illegals are taking americans, but there has been this ot flawless plan. jim? >> we tried differ ways.et americanyou know, but they come one day and they qot thatut it. theyn't take the heat. >> the americans aren't going to get out in the heat and work. they're not goi their to work and they're not works as thenish. >> stephen: turns out different ethnicitys have different innate gifts. hispanics are good at labor. asian good at calculus andre good at generalizing people are good at.no one could have uld happen. except me. [ly vast one-day experience working as a field hand. [laughter] >> it is really, really hard. you're picking bean you have to spend all day bending over. it turns out, and i do not know this, most soil is at ground level. if we can put man on the moon, why can't we make come on where is the funding? brief experience gave me some small understanding of why so few americans are clamori to begin an exciting career as seasonal migrant field worker. kind of guy so." i'm the kind of guy ws it [cheering and applause] of course, liberals out there that is just reaping what it wrong. because there are noleft to reap it. f up with a 21st century solution, chain ga pick produce before. now instead of having will be harvested by perfectly legal criminals. this plan works perfectly part. commissioner his state's tough new immigration l farmers short 11,000 jobless americans, some of the new prisoners and work as fast as immigrant >>ut americans who have chosen a life of crime have quite the same work as guatemalaen who have through 500 miles feed their children. [applause] so it appa is in a bit of bind. republican state rep knows who is to blame for the problem caused jim? >> look we need a federal program, a may granted program that we can apply in these laborers help th out. >> stephen: problem by sealing the state borders. i say deployi. the national guard theybody get them to ammigrants throw their force them our crops as prison labor. so good at it. preserve our precious blts, we must do whatever it takes other than of people any rig okay, people, let's get stme pete, me use pen! guys, guys. take it ok, alright, well. i just got one. so... yep, i can f your mind, it's on ebay. [c >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. liste folks ever since i kid, i haveoved halloween. it's the most exciting night of the year, especially if you have allergy. i often went as rapidly swelling boy. sadly, some out therehis sugar fest.r on halloween. [laughter] folks, once again the planet huggers are turning our joy into almond shame. >> there's ag the nation by storm. it's called "co keep thingsl. instead of actuall costume, why d't you just take them over to a location and swap with some people. >> costume swapping? but i don't want mye old flammable, plastic deathtrap. i want them wearing a new flammable plasticp. this is political correctness gone mad. before you know it we'll need to leave a astep. environmentalism goes against everything halloween stands for. consumerism it's like clear cutting a forest pulping theinto lush shipping the rolls on diesel trucks to air conditioned grocery stores where we b as a heartless final hurl them at their still-living cousins. point is... halloween is fun. it's responsible. that's why we send our kids alone off into the night to so strangers for but there are luckily some hallow winnershere adding a new twist to this old holid halloween is less than two a christian group in texas is promoting a ve to the costumes we've seen evil some beesly them.ernative is som called jesusroup is asking christians to dress in white and hand out bibl >> that is the spirit of halloween. because dressing in white and bibles, be sure to make your house the creepst one on the block. [cheering and applause] kids, when you bring home your bibles, let your parents check razor blades. or dianetics. but as much as i love this group has pitched it as an alternative to halloween. why? halloween go together jesus spooky in my christ. you got your christn myspooky. think about it. jesus rose from the he's the zombie. except you eat his body. true. herefore it is not offensive. [laughteno letters please. this year and celebrate when the sexy ybody. my guest ton ncaa college he o jini me, sir. get this out here. you are winning historian and authormehe great books on era. here in my i.book library. okay. is called the cartel. all right. cartel is the gottenall the c 1,000 college anties in to keep all therom the collegectually do the they are amateurs, as we paid.y. they just... you know, playing concussions. okay? >> i think a lot of them plantation. not... >> stephen: wait, not a south carolina plantation, a nationwide plantation. mean... so you say they're slaves? >> dollars income, but they are deprived of anyon in it so that the dull, the coach, theinistrators and the companies can take all the money. >> stephe but you rea are you saying they' treated as slaveare they being treated as >> stephen: okay. realizeales are being treated as slaves. calling these athletes?ou [cheering and appl >> whale or catch pass. >> oh, train those whales to dobout anything. i certainly wouldn't sacked by sham knew. >> the players get any getting something value. fo tuition. and last time i go to >> it's something that'slike saying to you shouldn't be paid because have health insur you don't deserve a salary. thesenerate b that these schools then anddults think that as though they did the did do the work. they createdpp o they're job they just happen that that's right. you can create more jobs when ingenious business plan. >> stephen: so what's the answer? >> t bring them to the table to, let themain. >> stephen: c >> yes.ir own. they're the same age as the kids fighting in iraq ands.the same worker in the united states. >>he universities won't have money to cre jolships for majors. okay.right now once again the the nerds. they're bringing in all the cash so the nerds ca date. way it works is none of the money goes into the athletic d use up al it is truetephen: really?hey using it they don'players. >> they're using it forst of all, assistant coaches are no $1 million a year. i've had university presidents... >> stephen: what?istant coaches make more th year. have to paytalent you have a lot of money to speveryone else. >> president obama thinks have playoffs instead of a bowl series. do you agree with that? do you think col should have >> i do but the n terr playoff, the nc won't...aa adults in foot the ncaa out. they don't get any money. all of their money from $700 mi month'sch the football schools,tional pr $1 billi we can run the tournament without the ncaa. and the ncaa will shrivel up. run march madness fo football, why wouldn't run december dementia, whatever... >> they would run everything andaa would have no income. they getights to the bsidies to 1,000ll of that because ten basketball players that walk ey almost didn't walk this obs must be for th the on thet fair. >> stephen: well if you want to investigate a real scandal in find out the big has like chairs because theye biggest tv contract so that one day they governmental it is cartel. they want to keep the themselves.ph muc: thank you so taylorthe booktel." we'll be