Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20121117

Than soup, playah you need proof . Well, let me school you on americas hottest liquid food trend, campbells go, the new youthscwug line of sumes made especially for millennials. Thats right. Every american generation is defined by one thing the greatest generation stopped hitler. The baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. And this generation will go down in history for demanding different soup. laughter applause according according to the company, campbells go is a new line of sumes designed for People Like Us fun, busy, youngish. laughter applause folks, i think this Marketing Campaign is greatish. Now, i bet youre saying, hey, these new cans of soup cant get and more dope. Hail to the nah because they come in a bag now, biatch yeah applause look at that guy. Look at that guy right there. Hes going, what up, soup . laughter jam a straw in it, okay. Its like capri soup. And because its so hip, home slice, youre not going to see ads on the tv. No, thats for squares. You gotta surf over to the gambles go web site emy, tumblir graphics that capture the spirit and energy one associates with soup. Of course, youre probably thinking whats soup without music . Thats what i thought. laughter well, they got that covered, too, because campbells has partner with the Music Service spottify so consumers can create custom playlists built off the persona of the soup. Soupinspired playlists its like a mix tape you make for your girlfriend, only your girlfriend is a bag of soup. laughter applause cheers and applause for example, i chose tom pettys a wasted life to describe whoever came up with this Marketing Campaign. laughter soup now, nation, ever since former c. I. A. Director David Petraeus revealed his torrid affair, the scandal has the entire newsscape in a tizzy. The sex scandal thats rocked washington. A salacious sex scandal involving the nowformer c. I. A. Director. Breaking new details on the fastmoving c. I. A. Sex scandal. We have to talk about the fiscal cliff but im dying to ask you about the scandal because its all anyones talkin talking about. Stephen yeah. This sex scandal is all anybody in washington can talk about. I wonder why the country is in financial ruin . cheers and applause well, folks, i may be a news junky, but i also got to have my stories. And this is both. Its like a steamy episode of generals hospital. laughter applause and these days these days, information, i spend my afternoons you know plopped on the couch in the housecoat, watching cnn with a virginia slim in bon hand and a box of after 8s in the other. I dont care if the news goes straight to my himself. It is me time. This story has got everything a decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who senses the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend, so she sends an email from a secret account saying step off or i will cut, biatch. And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, f. B. I. Agent, who launches an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy mastery protege, also a general, has sent thousands of emails to the second woman. This isnt just a love triangle, information. Its a love pentagon. cheers and applause . I gotta say i gotta say, after that, it gets a little farfetched. I mean, all of a sudden, the second woman hans emotionally troubled identical twin. And both the spy mast expert general write letters of support for the twin sisters custody battle with her econclusion . Oh, and listen to the name they came up with for him . Grayson wolf. Jimmy, we dont have a picture of him yet, so just put up a visual approximation. Thats right. cheers and applause . Folks, i have to say, its just not believable anymore. laughter i i think the news has jumped the shark. And the most unbelievable parts, they say that that that the general down there, that general over there, he is the Top Commander of our war in afghanistan. Afghanistan . Really . laughter please. If our troops were really still fighting in afghanistan, dont you think wed be hearing about that on the news instead of all this bull bleep . cheers and applause not believable. Anyway. Anyway, bottom line, its a soap opera and it is done. We should all move on. Oh, this is far from over, stephen. cheers and applause Stephen Susan lucci oh, yes. And theres more. General petraeus has developed amnesia, and laughter and cant remember that hes pregnant. laughter applause by his own evil twin, who is in a coma, and is my lover. laughter cheers and applause stephen that doesnt make any sense. How dare you cheers and applause stephen how can you do that from over there . Dont you remember . I was in a boating accident, and now i have telekinesis. Just like general petraeus. laughter cheers and applause stephen i still think its bull bleep . Year, youre probably right. Stephen susan lucci, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause . P cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks, folks. Nation, you know, youve heard it many times, they say that laughter is the best medicine. Which is why i chuckle at sick people. This is Cheating Death with dr. Stephen t. Colbert, d. F. A. Wheres the pretty lady . laughter a quick disclaimer, i am not a medical doctor. I have an honorar doctorate in fine arts which is why i give pam sneers georgia okeefes paintings. As always, Cheating Death is it brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott our products are made with t. L. C. , tetrolicenechlorofluoride. Not a proven carcinogen. First up, drug health. A new study out of taiwan could lead to a breakthrough in battling ipfluenza. Taiwanese scientists found of found meth may have flufighting properties. Its feed a fever, starve a cold. This discovery was made when scientists were trying to determine if meth would increase users risk for getting sick with the flu. But in a surprising result, when they expose cells to meth, it reduce virus propagation and susceptibility to influenza infection. Thats right. Meth will fight off your flu. Meth is the reason you were sleeping outside naked in the first place. The point is, the point is, folks, science has determined that other than brain damage, heart disease, severe weight loss, psychosis and destroying your own listen and otheres, meth is good for you. Now, while meth is great for the flu, you cant just pop into a cvs to get it. And its a little invideotape to drive to kentucky for a consultation with dr. Ban joes. Thats why Prescott Pharmaceuticals is proud to bring you vacsalab. Lets you make highgrade flu medicine in your home. Each kit comes with everything you need. Sudafed, red phosphorous, lye, duct tape. A gun. laughter and a pair of fair eyebrows youll need if you survive the explosion. applause side effects side effects of vacsalab may include adultonset spiderring, inflamed garage, and occasional bouts of waking up while driving an oldsmobile through a cornfield. Well, folk, thats it for Cheating Death brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott, what doesnt kill you makes us part of our class action settlement. Until next time, ill see you in hell. laughter j j u4ejhpr e 9 9rdu cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a renowned paleoanthropologist who studies origins will of mankind. I guess its up to me to tell him about the birds and the bees. Please welcome chris stringer. cheers and applause . Dr. Stringer, thanks so much for coming on. Thank you. Stephen one of the worlds foremost paleoanthropologist. That sounds very impressive. Yes, its a long word. Stephen it is, it is. The longer the word, the smarter you must be. Possibly, possibly. Stephen youre also a researcher at the Natural History museum in london, a fellow of the royal society, and you have a new book called lone survivors how we came to be the only humans on earth. Gotta say, not a great photo of you on the cover there. Yes. Stephen gained a few pounds. laughter lone survivors, the only humans on earth. Humans are the only humans. What do you mean by this . If you go back 100,000 years stephen i rarely do, i rarely do. I tend to stop about 6,000 years ago when everything was created. But go ahead. Okay, well go back well go back even further. Stephen okay,. And then there were probably at least five kinds of humans on the earth 100,000 years ago. There were neander nalz europe. There were people over in asia cause the dis95iens. There were people in jaffa, and there was this weird thing nicknamed the hobbit living on the island of flores. And these other species died out and were the only survivors. Stephen which were we . We were the ones evolving in africa, homo sapiens. And about 60,000 years ago we started to come out of africa. Stephen where did the neanderthal come from . If they werent from africa . We go back now about 500,000 years. Half a million years. We have a common ancestor with the neanderthals and we split from them and went in our own direction displfs that in africa we split off . Probably. There was a species called homohyder berg, and it started to evolve into new species. North of the mediterranean and europe and asia, in africa it became us. And then we came out, and the big question is what happened when we came out. Did we stephen we kicked a little ass, didnt we . A little neanderthal ass. One view is wement the other species out. But it looks more complicated than that. And it wasnt a complete wipeout as weve learned in the last couple of years. Stephen what do you mean . There are no neanderthals left. They were into interbreeding. Stephen come ocome on. And you i have a little neanderthal in us. Stephen really . How much . What part of me is neanderthal . Is it the guy who comes out when were drunk . Drunk . Probably, its in your d. N. A. But it may not be showing physically. Stephen is it doing anything in there or is it a sleeper cell, a terrorist d. N. A. Sleeper cell . We interbred. We did. So basically, we get d. N. A. From the neanderthal fossils and we recreated most of the genome, so comparing that with humans we found people outside of africa people in europe, australia, native americans, theyve all got a bit of neanderthal d. N. A. In them. And its a change of relationship. Because i used to think they complete we know they didnt go out. Their d. N. A. Lives on in us. Stephen can we get a neambassadorrer that will back by selective breeding . Its a good question. Well, i was in a debate a couple weeks ago about cloning a neanderthal. And its the sort of thing we would have said was impossible a few years ago. Now, at least some idiot with enough money and arrogance could one day probably do it. laughter applause stephen youre singing my song. Are we still evolving . We are still evolving. Stephen whats next for us . I think we can say what isnt going to happen. You see these diagrams, pictures of stick people with great big brains. That is not going to happen. Our breans have actually got smaller in the last 20,000 years. Some maybe more than others. laughter but overall, we we have yeah, we have actually had shrinking brains in the last 20,000 years. Stephen how about our get gut . On our gut evolving . Theres a thing called the expensive tissue hypothesis. We evolved our large brains by change our diet. Our ancestors had great big guts because they were vegetarian. They never had enough spare energy because their guts were using. When we started eating meat, a much more concentrated form of food it freed up energy and we could start to run a bigger brain. Stephen thats why vegetarianism seems tow stupid to me. Thank you so much for joining me. The book is lone survivors. Chris stringer. Well be right back. cheers and applause anncr some politicians seem to think medicare and. Social security are just numbers in a budget. Well, we worked hard for those benefits. We earned them. And if washington tries to cram decisions about the future. Of these programs into a last minute budget deal. Well all pay the price. Aarp is fighting to protect seniors with responsible. Solutions that strengthen medicare and. Social security for generations to come. We can do better than a last minute deal. That would hurt all of us. cheers and applause stephen oh, hi there. I was just waiting for the camera to come back on and give my life meaning. laughter last month, we celebrated the seventh anniversary of the colbert report. I didnt mention it at the time because america was thoughtlessly holding its president ial campaign during my special day. You know, ive been thinking about the last seven years, 1,118 shows, and asking what were our triumphs . What were our failures . When was the last time i slept . laughter of course, traditionally the seventh Anniversary Gift is wool, so i was going to get you sheep, then i thought, no, thats stupid. Ive got a better present. I present the colbert report 7th anniversary portrait. cheers and applause . Its like the picture of dorrian gray only in this case, while the painting remains young and vibrant i wither to a husk of my former self. As you can see, this year weve got an extra peabody up there on the mantel, and im holding my new book america again, rebecoming the greatness we never werent. It makes a great gift for anyone who is having their portrait done. Folks, this painting, this entire show, would not be possible without you, the colbert nation. In many ways, this isnt just a portrait of me. Its a portrait of you in the form of me. All i have to say sulook great. Thanks for seven years. I, for one, cannot wait to see what number comes next. Good night, everybody, and happy thanksgiving. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york are ar are, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause