Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20121129

Stephen nation, this story sickens me. This canadian grinch just let the cat out of the bag. Or, as they say in canada, the beaver out of the beaver pelt satchel. laughter theyve got a lot of beavers up there. Its actually something of a problem. laughter but what can i say . Theres no point denying it anymore there is no santa claus audience reacts in canada. laughter okay . cheers and applause down here hes real, okay . And he brings toys to all the good girls and boys just not in canada. laughter sometimes he flies over canada on his way to america from the north pole and occasionally hell stop at a tim hortons so his reindeer can use the bathroom. laughter word to the wise dont go in after donner, okay . laughter theres a reason his name is german for thunder. laughter but he doesnt stop in canada. I mean, think about it. A flying bearded man delivering toys all over the world in a single night . That doesnt make any sense. He only has time to do it in one country. So obviously hes going with america. cheers and applause why do you think people come from all over the world to live here . Our health care . No. laughter we have santa. So dont worry, canadian kids, you still have a santa, its just a canadian santa. Every year i believe it rotates to a different canadian celebrity. Last year it was nelly furtadoclaus. This year its rush. So that jingle you hear on the roof is just neil peart breaking into a 45 minute high hat solo. laughter now, folks, it is the Christmas Season and the fact that canada doesnt get one brings us all joy. laughter but lets not forget that theres always something out there to scare us. For instance, when the clock strikes 12 on new years eve you can kiss your date and you can kiss our economy goodbye. Because we will all be going over that fiscal cliff. Fiscal cliff. Fiscal cliff. That dreaded fiscal cliff. Stephen yes, the dreaded fiscal cliff. An unavoidable money will technology the razorsharp financial rocks below. It all started back in 2011 during the showdown over raising our debt ceiling when republicans wanted spending cuts and obama wanted to raise taxes. Which led to a budget crisis that congress solved by not solving it. laughter instead, they handed it over to something called the supercongress which couldnt fail because it was super. laughter unfortunately it was also congress so it failed. laughter and as a result applause as a result applause as a result, folks, we are facing another thing called sequestration which at first sounds like rationing the amount you can watch sea quest. laughter but its even worse than that. laughter sequestration is automatic spending cuts that both sides agree would trigger a new recession. Its Like Congress put a gun to the economys head and swore it will pull the triger if congress doesnt put its own gun down. laughter its kind of like a mexican standoff without any mexicans. laughter of course, obamas answer to this budget crisis is to raise taxes on the wealthy just because he ran on that promise. And won the election. laughter its like hes totally disregarding my dismissive finger quotes. What part of this dont you understand president o bama. laughter heres whats really scaring me, folks. Republicans might let him do it, even though every remember in congress has signed the new taxes pledge created by the president of americans for tax reform, Grover Norquist. thunder clashes the two most terrifying words a republican can hear other than buenos dias. laughter and applause but now some republicans are abandoning the antitax pledge as fast as they abandoned oh, whats his name . laughter i got it, dont help me, dont help me. Rip flambe. laughter no, no, thats my personal train trainer. laughter no, the point is conservatives are jumping ship. I want to buy down debt and cut rates that create jobs but i will violate the pledge, long story short, for the good of the country. Im not obligated on the pledge. The only thing im honoring is the oath that i take when i serve when im sworn in this january. A pledge you signed 20 years ago, 18 years ago is for that congress. For instance, if i was in congress in 1941 i would have signed the supported a declaration of war against japan. Im not going to attack japan today. The world has changed. Stephen you heard it, folks. Congressman peter king is not only raising your taxes, hes surrendering theojo and his boys. laughter not me i will never give up the tight against emperor hirohito and his kamikaze beast men. Besides, thats a lot of tough talk from a known lesbian. laughter grover and i know that the pledge lasts a lot longer than two years. Congressman peter king of new york knows full well that the pledge that he signed and others have is for why youre in congress. Its not far twoyear period. Stephen yes, an antitax pledge is eternal and unbreakable. Its like a pact with the devil or a gym membership. Youll get your money, rip flambe laughter cheers and applause and folks, peter king is not alone. All of these republicans, this box of peach crayolas down here laughter all of them have v the balls to say they dont feel bound by the no tax increase pledge. What the hell is going on . Here to tell me what the hell is going on, please well from National Review and coauthor of brand new party, how republicans can win the working class and save the American Dream reihan salam. Reihan, thank you very much. applause the book is called the brand new party. Lets talk about this grand new party. I dont understand, is this the end of an era . Why has the Republican Party lost their spine . The truth is republicans are facing an incredibly difficult political environment and a really challenging fiscal environment as well and thats put a ton of pressure on adhering to the pledge. Stephen isnt Grover Norquist going to bring down the hammer on these guys come midterms . Its very hard to say because in some places for example South Carolina and georgia thats very possible. But you have to understand. Stephen real america. Exactly. But, you have to understand hey, im from brooklyn, my friend. Thats real america, too. cheers and applause stephen no, excuse me, calm down, thats real america. Its ironic patriotism. America has changed a n a lot of ways over 20 years. One of the big changes is that we have a lot more people over the age of 65. And republicans, like democrats, like programs like medicare and Social Security so when you have a lot more old people, those programs get more expensive and that means that its hard to keep tax levels exactly where they have been during the bush years. Stephen thats fine. But why is this happening publicly. Why are people like Lindsey Graham and Saxby Chambliss saying this sort of thing in public . Is there a new political environment where these congressmen, these senators want to appear reasonable and responsive . Its more than just appearing reasonable and responsive. Stephen really. Cant we just appear in way and then later get what we want. Want . Theres more than one way to skin a cat here. You might be aware that republicans really like a guy called Ronald Reagan. Perhaps youve heard of him. Stephen i feel a Ronald Reagan tattoo on the small of my back. I should hope so. Im getting a reagan tattoo on my face. But what i want to tell you is that Ronald Reagan agreed to tax reform that led to lower tax rates but also higher tax revenues from rich folks because it got rid of loopholes and deductions. Stephen you lower tax rates, revenues get higher. I already said that earlier. Its a complicated thing. Stephen its not complicated lower higher. You can get revenue gains from making it cleaner and fairer and more transparent and thats what republicans. Stephen wait, simplifying the tax code, closing loopholes, is that not raising taxes . Are those two things different . You have hit on a very tricky and important issue, stephen, which is that, yes, theres a way to raise average tax rates on high earners without raising the marginal tax rate on high earners. Stephen wow, im interested in what you just said and yet its incrediblebly boring at the same time. laughter fair enough. Im trying to say that you can industrial a 35 top rate and say wait a second, rich people are not able to take the same kind of deductions that take take under todays tax code. Stephen bym a rich person, why would i let dhopl that . You might do that because you might see that that would be better for the country as a whole. Stephen yeah, but laughter deductions reward certain kinds of Economic Activity and punish other kinds. Stephen what about kind . How about getting paid a lot of money to do a t. V. Show . Who gets rewarded on that one. Let me give you a for example. Mitt romney, you might remember him. Stephen mitt romney your favorite cheers and applause stephen bless his name the it was right there. It was on the back of my head. I couldnt remember that guy. Yeah, i remember that dude. What happened to that dude . He floated the idea of a deduction tax at 50,000. Now, if you have a deduction tax thats that high, youre going to hit very high earners but raise a ton of revenue. Youre going to raise 800 billion over ten years which is exactly what president obama had asked for and agreed to with Speaker Boehner back in 2011. Now president obama is saying he want mrs. Revenue. He wants 1. 6 trillion. But thats big progress and you dont have to raise the top rate to get there. Stephen okay, what happens next . Do we go over the cliff . Does this happen before the cliff or after the cliff . Or do we make the deal as were plunging towards the red sox. If we go over the cliff then suddenly Grover Norquists pledge becomes inoperative. Oh so hes powerless. Its like someone guessed his name and sent him back to the forest. laughter well, please come back when we find out what happens. Absolutely. Stephen thank you so much. Reihan salam, the grand new party. Well be rig cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is a legendary singer song writer who has composed over 3,000 songs. Ill ask her if one of them was gangnam style. laughter please welcome dolly parton cheers and applause what a pleasure, thank you so much for coming on. Okay stephen what an honor to have you on. Well, its a pleasure to be with you. I watch you all the time. Stephen as a little boy growing up in South Carolina i watched the water waggoner show. Thats great stephen huge Country Music show saturday afternoons right after the cartoons were over and i always had to see whether dolly was going to be on the show. I started that show in 1967 so you was a tiny little thing. Stephen i had a little crush on you. I did. Thank you now stephen and you know youve done it all, youre a Country Music and a crossover legend, queen of both country and pop, sold over 100 million records, jolene coat of many colors i will always love you. Youve been a songwriter, singer performer, oscar nominee, emmy nominee. What is it that you havent done that you would like to do . I want to do more of the same stuff and i just wake up with new dreams everyday. I never know what im going to do next. Stephen so basically you want to say to god i want more of the same, please. Ill take another round. Stephen okay. Well youve got a new book called dream more celebrating the dreamer in you. Yes. Stephen do we really want to dream more . Because i often dream about fighting bears. laughter well, you probably do, but you need to dream more. So if its good or bad, this book talks about dreaming more and being able to get out there and put wings and legs and arms on your dreams. In other words get out and make them come true. Stephen wings on your dreams. Wings on your legs, arms on your dreams. That sounds like a hideous dream monster. Well this is really a little book that all the money goes to the foundation, we have a Literacy Program called the Imagination Library. Stephen what is the Imagination Library . Is that a library full of imaginary books or is it a laughs no, actually, its a library where we actually give children a book a month from the time theyre born until they start school so they can learn to read. It started in my hometown and. Stephen in severeville. In severeville, tennessee. Youre one of the few people that ever says that right. Stephen well, im from the south. Thats a tough name for a child to grow up in. Severeville. Thats how you pronounce it. Stephen was it severe . Well, it was at times, yeah. Stephen youre one 1206 kids. Thats right. Six girls and six boys. Stephen im one of 11 kids. Eight boys, three girls. Well, youre probably catholic, right . laughter stephen and im guessing youre not we were just hillbillies. laughter i guess you were too, right . Stephen how fast can you say your brother and sisters names . Want to race . Ill give you one name head start. Ready, one, two, three, go. both speaking at once laughter stephen very good. Very good. Oh, thats cute stephen now youre known you have talents. Youre known as being a very genuine person. Can you teach know fake that . laughter i can fake through it. Stephen it is eye contact . Is that what it is . Well, some of it is. What do you any are you falling for it . I fell for you in 1974. Thats sweet. Well maybe we can keep it up so we can see how that goes. Stephen sure. laughter cheers and applause this book was originally a speech that you gave at the university of tennessee, right . Actually, it was. I did the commencement speech three years ago at u. T. And i was very nervous because i dont like to make speeches, i dont feel like im smart enough or educated enough in that way to talk to all those educated people. But since it was my home area and i had become i had done pretty good for a local girl they accepted me. It didnt hurt that i came out singing rocky top which is their theme song there. So by the time we finished it went over well and then they encouraged me to expand on it and write the book. If in our Imagination Library we have what we call four principles or steps. Its like dream more, learn more care more, be more. Stephen what about make more . Im far, too. Yeah. Stephen because if you make more sometimes you dont have to care more. laughs thats true stephen well, ive had a dream which is that id love to do a song with you. cheers and applause can i do a song with you . All right, well be b right back with a performance by the author of ,xbwn3pu 8,uj ,xo stephen welcome back. Folks, now pretty little thing called love is like a butterfly miss dolly parton. Love is like a. Stephen all right i bleep ed up already. Love is like a butterfly as soft and gentle as a hes just scared. You calm down now. Stephen im scared. Welcome back. Now wed like to sing a pretty little song called love is like a butterfly with miss dolly parton. applause dolly, ordinarily youd play the guitar but i cant because my nails are too long for this particular guitar. So can you just struggle through it . Stephen no i cannot. laughter would you try . Stephen well start the song without guitar and ill jump in with the guitar and good lord jesus help us. laughter pray for us. Love is like a. Stephen wait, wait. Love is like a butterfly as soft and gentle as a sigh the multicolored moods of love are like its satin wings love makes your heart feel strange inside it flutters like soft wings in flight love is like a butterfly a rare and gentle thing i feel it when youre with me it happens when you kiss me that rare and gentle feeling that i feel inside your touch is soft and gentle your kiss is warm and tender wherever i am with you i think of butterflies note . Ready . Love is like a butterfly, as soft and gentle as a high, a multicolored moods of love are like its satin wings. Love makes your heart feel strange inside it flutters like soft wings in flight love is like a butterfly, a rare and gentle thing a rare and gentle thing laughs Stephen Dolly parton cheers and applause dolly partonry cheers and applause stephen well thats it for the report, everybody. Good night