Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130718

Heat wave but that hasnt put off the worlds media or the tourists. Here at the hospital its nothing short of a baby stakeout. The u. K. Is abuzz with excitement. Look, the u. S. Is abuzz with excitement. The whole world is abuzz with excitement. Stephen the whole world is abuzz. The whole galaxy is is abecause. Kate the great is three days late. I just cant wait for her to dilate. [ cheers and applause ] i mean when and when . I mean, when will the heir to the crown begin to crown . I mean, wait, wait, what am i thinking . The brits use metric so nine months there might be ten kilo weeks over here. When will that baby get here . What will pippa wear . Will the obstetrician wear a giant hat . Who will have less hair, the baby or Prince William . Im so excited. Breathe, stephen. Just breathe. [ cheers and applause ] i just got to. Pick a spot on the wall and focus. I need ice chips. What am i going to do . I mean i cannot get enough. I have got to have the latest scoops. I mean, u. S. Weekly has a special reports in an exclusive that Paddington Bear will be in the room says a source. Yes, padding ton. What about the other beloved british childrens character he like winniethepooh or sid vicious . I need to know. Oh, god, and the pageantry. You know the hospital will have the finest horsedrawn gurney, and i cant wait to see the changing of the guards in front of the royal birth canal and the epidural administers by dumbledore while elton john on piano plays placenta in the wind. The question is, will it be a girl or a boy or maybe something magical like a unicorn or a hobbit . What has it got in its uterus, precious . Well have more on this story as the water breaks. Folks, you know, they say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth, but i say you should never register for a horse in the first place. Where are you going to keep that thing . Youre newlyweds. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [ cheers and applause ] first up, youre very kind. First up, by now you all know George Zimmerman has been acquitted in a highprofile case steeped in racial tedges, we in the cablefear knew that if zimmerman walked our cities would burn. Florida preparing for riots if George Zimmerman is acquitted of murder. There may be riots. Florida police are preparing for riots. I think were being foolish and frankly naive to think that there may not be riots. Yes, to think there may not be riots is foolish and naive and worst of all, accurate. Things have remained calm and peaceful here in sanford florida. Crowds gathered in newark for a peaceful protest. The protests across were peaceful loud but peace tele. A group of young demonstrators had any mogul moment as they sang quietly on the steps of the Capitol Building in tallahassee. Stephen sang quietly. Excuse me. I ordered a riot. All i get is a folk festival. Stop singing if i had a hammer and start swinging one of them around. So a wag of my finger at nonrioting black people. [ cheers and applause ] listen, listen. Yeah, were all angry. You cannot set the bar at rodney king and then give me this weak [bleep]. Yes, maybe in los angeles they scared in drivers and in oakland protestors vandalized a mens warehouse store. But obviously that wasnt even about the acquittal of George Zimmerman. They were mad about the recent firing of mens warehouse founder george zimmer. Because unlike George Zimmerman, he does like the way you look. So thats it. [ cheers and applause ] thats all i get. Thats it . I just get the broken glass and an overturned rack of separates. Have we forgotten rodney king . I mean that was a riot. Where are the buildings on fire . Youre just not holding up your end of what we said you would do. George zimmerman was acquitted because a jury understood why he felt threatened by an unarmed black youth. And why wouldnt he feel that way . They riot. But if you dont riot, you seem less threatening. Then zimmerman will seem like a bad guy. And that would be a tragic ending to this story. Because as it is, hes going to have to live his life as a marked man as his Brother Robert said. Clearly hes a free man in the eyes of the court but hes going to be looking around his shoulder for the rest of his life. Stephen yes, hell be looking around his shoulder. Can you imagine feeling like youre being followed. Everyone just assuming youre a criminal. I mean, if i were him, i would wear something to hide my face. Next on the tdubs, a tip of the hat to fox news for bringing in some fresh blood and not just for Rupert Murdochs wine cellar. Jim . Elizabeth hasselbeck will be joining us very shortly in september to be one of the hosts of fox and friends. Shell be coming on over to the curvy couch. Stephen Elizabeth Hasselbeck from the view will be replacing Gretchen Carlson on fox and friends or as the brownhaired guy who is not steve doocy puts it, are you my new woman . The gretch who saved christmas is abandoning her couch buddies to take over megyn kellys spot in the arch which disappoints me because i believed that they were fox and friends but i guess for gretchen, it was just fox and business. Meanwhile megyn kellys moving to prime time rumor has it taking greta van susterants time slot. Im being told we have footage of the fox news rescheduling in progress. So, bravo. Bravo, fox news for boldly changing the face of news. Not the the hair. Just the face. Well be right back. [jjj4fs20r9 9 hh,xa. a. a. a. D ,x stephen welcome back,. D ,x everybody. You know, folks, i am a family person who has a big show like this. Its no secret that i lead a kind of busy life so i do a lot of multitasking. For instance, right now i am both doing this show and watching it on up on these monitors up here. Although ive got to say right now im doing a little bit more watching. I cant wait to see what im going to say next. Not much going on right now. Anyway, well get back to this later. Somebody tivo this, okay. Unfortunately for multitaskers like me, i heard some very disturbing news recently on the n. P. R. Actually like everybody else i was half listening and half cutting up vegetables for soup. Heres n. P. R. As ira flatow one of my top two public radio iras. Multitasking may be affecting our ability to concentrate, manage our emotions, maybe think creatively. The research is almost unanimous. People who multitask show any nornlg us range of deficits. Theyre basically terrible at all sorts of cognitive tasks including multitasking. Stephen multitaskers are terrible at all sorts of cognitive tasks but in their defense theyre terrible at them at the same time. But fine, ill bite. What are these multitasks they multisuck at . We have scales that allow us to divide up people. The differences are remarkable. People who multitask all the time cant filter out irrelevancy. They cant manage a working memory. Theyre chronically distracted. Stephen oh, sorry. This crooked frame was driving me nuts. Anywhere, where was i . Right, right, right, the show. Now anyway, n. P. R. Was telling me that multitasking is a myth which is ironic because n. P. R. Is great at it. They simultaneouslien rage me and waste my tax dollars. Well, clearly these researchers spoke to the wrong multitaskers because some of us know how to do it and some dont. Its a simple matter of focus here. Ill show you. First of all, im just going to do a little online shopping, also confirm my tee time this week end with my buddy chad while simultaneously making myself a delicious toast snack. There that goes in there. Set that to golden brown. And there we go. Okay. I like those blacks in nan. Slacks in nantucket red. Take those in mens petite. Slim cut. Boot leg. Stretch waste. Ample seat. There you go. Okay. All right. Now. Chad, 11 00 works better for me and send. Okay. The question is am i going to have apricot jam or strawberry . You know what . I think ill multisnack and have both. Choald on one second. Chino is golfing with us. Whos chino . Mexicans dont golf. I dont understand. Okay. Lets see. Why does chad want my credit card information . That doesnt make. Hey, the toast is ready. Smells amazing mmmmm. Wait. Hold on one second. I feel so terrible for people who have to give up the gluten. Credit card denied . I better just call them. Siri, call jcrew. Jcrew, jcrew these things really do suck as phones. Anyway damn, i burned it. doorbell come in. You ordered delivery. Stephen oh, my pants are here already. Thanks, chino. Im phil. Stephen im just a little frazzled. Heres your tip. That reminds me, i better get back to chad. There we go. All right. Lets see. Chad, see you on the green send. See . Multitasking is no big deal. Now if youll excuse me, ive got to go pick up my car from the vet and my cat from the shop. Poor guy had his muffler removed. Well be right back. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a High School Dropout who sold his internet startup for 1. 1 billion. Just imagine how much he could have made if he dropped out of grade school. Please welcome david karp. [ cheers and applause ] stephen you are founder and ceo of tumblr. Tumblr. Stephen you became successful with this, what did you call it . I still have a ways to go. Stephen you dont think youre successful. Not yet. I have lots to prove. We have to get things to profitability. Thats a pretty big milestone. Stephen not your problem anymore. You just sold it to yahoo. Thats very important to me. Stephen why did you found tumblr to begin with. I was an aspiring creator glowing up. There was a set of tools that was missing, something that i wanted to express myself out there in the world. I dont have a tv show. Stephen you dont have a tv show. Am i with my tv show, am i kind of tumbling right now . Im on tumblr. All right. I dont follow you yet. Whats your address on tumblr. Stephen i wont tell you. Find me. Catch me if you can. How many people are on the tumblr now. What do i do on there . Its private. Stephen how many people are on the tumblr. About 120 million blogs on tumblr and a few hundred Million People that read those blogs. Stephen unlike bill gates or steve jobs you did not drop out of college but you dropped out of high school. I dropped out the summer i turned 15 going into my sophomore year. Stephen why . You seem like a smart enough kid. This was 12 or 13 years ago. I was going to high school in new york. I knew i wanted to work with computers and write software. I was pretty sure i wanted to do stuff on the internet. Rewind 12, 13 years. There wasnt a whole lot of Computer Science education in schools, in high schools in new york city at the time. I tell young people ought time who ask me what should they be doing, theyre bored in school. You can get a great Computer Science education in grade school today. Go for it. Take advantage of it. It wasnt an opportunity i had when i was in school. Stephen do you want young kids to stay in school. Absolutely. Stephen because youre pulling the ladder up behind you. Yahoo is not the hippest outfit. Did they buy you to buy your cool . No, look. I think. I hope not. I think yahoo is. I know yahoo is looking for a path forward. Theyre looking at the future of their business and building stuff that is relevant to many hundreds of millions of people years from now. They saw tumblr as a big part of that. Stephen but tumblr is cool. I would like to believe were authentic. Were doing something that is important to us and were serving a community. Stephen why wont you use the word cool and you dont know what cool is . Im serious. Its a testing ground. You never had to deal with cafeteria tables. You might be a cool kid. You might be a burnout. You might be a heather or a mean girl. Do you have any what that is like . No. Stephen lets talk about the elephant in the room with tumblr, okay . Let me paint a picture of the he will fapt. Its on its back and its stretched are stretched. Okay. Is that what youre doing on there . Stephen its porn central. Theres a ton of porn on there. Theres a lot of everything. Stephen theres a lot of everything on there. Theres a lot. Is that going to stay on there . Look, weve taken a pretty hard line on freedom of speech, supporting our users, creation, whatever that looks like. Just not something we want to police. When you have Something Like Terry Richardson or any number of very talented photographers posting tasteful photography, i dont want to have to go in there to draw the line between this photo and this behindthescenes photo lady gag and her nips. Stephen i think were going to have to bleep that. Im just not sure. Okay. All right. Youre a bigtime player. Youre a bigtime player in the internet now. N. S. A. Comes to you, the National Security agency comes to you and says, hey, give me all the information on your people. We think one of those guys posting nipslips with lady gaga is planning some bad stuff so we have to have all the information on everyone on your side. What do you say . Thats a complicated question, stephen. Youre putting me on the spot. Stephen yes or no. Im the n. S. A. Hey, you, we will turn you into quellcalm. Were going to mindspace your ass unless you give us the information. We dont want to give you anything thats not in the best interest of our users. We fought for that for six years. Stephen just tell us what Stephen Colbert posted on his site. I dont know how to find you. Stephen and you never will. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] founder and ceo of tumblr, david [ cheers and applause ] stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] john welcome to the daily show. I am john oliver. I am here, i am here tonight for jon stewart. Jon stewart is not here because he has grown tired of watching you having sex during his show. Thats right. This is a twoway screen. Whereas for me im still learning things from you. But first, if you watchedded last nights show, you might have noticed my interview with aaron socker inlooked a little different as did the music at the end of the show. Why did my little dance there just cause you to stop having sex . What happened was right before last nights interview began for the First Time Ever here, we lost all power to our cameras and the control room. Now, my initial thought was that the city was having a blackout because, the past two days here in new york, its been 100 ballsweat degrees outside and everyone has had their air conditioners crankedded up to penguin house. It turned out that wasnt actually it. It was a complete mystery until we checked our inhouse security cameras this morning. Take a look. I hate you, oliver. Youre not my real jon. Theres only one jon who can host this show in my heart. This is for you, stewart. John that makes sense. That actually makes sense. [ cheers and applause ] on to our top story. Our top story for the night. Remembe