Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131121

The show a about to start. Amsterdam is paying alcoholics beer to clean the street. But you know theyre just going to spend that beer on weed. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. cheers and applause good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the would. Nations the holidays are upon us and she i dont know about you, but im ready for some trink ling lights and frosty the snowman, and walking in a winter wonderland. Speaking of snow, cocaine. Sad, drugrelated news this week, and like most sad news, it comes from washington. Jim . Republican trey radel of florida today pleaded guilty to cocaine possession. He purchased three and a half grams of cocaine from an undercover officer. The Tea Party Favorite represents floridas 19th district. Stephen yes, this rising tea party star was caught in a coke bust. Apparently he forgot the part of the tea party story where you dump the product in the harbor before the cops show up. Folks, personally, i hate to lose a congressman so fiscally conservative that im sure he snorted his blow through a 1 bill. And so committed to family values, folks, that he actually voted to drug test people who receive food stamps booing no, no, no. Hes not a hypocrite. Because he doesnt get food stamps from the government. Just his paycheck. But you know what i cant say im surprised. Im been on the cocaine Congress Beat since Robert Wexler told me this. I enjoy cocaine because its the fun thing to do. applause laughter . Stephen what is it with florida congressmen . I mean, there must be something in the water down there. And im guessing its cocaine. laughter but you know, folks, we should all have seen radels trip down 8ball mountain coming. When radel recorded this Spanish Language message to the people of colombia. A message from florida congressman trey radel to the colombian community. Last week i was in the beautiful, spectacular, and growing country of colombia. In part, strengthening our relationship with our ally and friend country. But mostly, to score coke. laughter specifically, i want a reliable source of the purest colombian coke. Frankly, im tired of middle men diluting my bleep with baby laxatives. So i need to connect to beam me up on some of that straight, colombian gutter glitter. We consider share it and then we will dance and dance and dance. laughter stephen so best of luck, congressman. We will miss you, and of course whats that . Hes not resigning . What is he, high folks,ub im not one to sit in judgment. I prefer to jump up and down in judgment. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause . First up, folks, just seconds ago i think i made it clear, im no fan of drug addicts. Just thinking about them makes me so angry i need another xanax. Thats why i was high on life when i learned with a new study from the university of pennsylvania that found a fathers cocaine use makes his sons lessensitive to the drug, and thereby more likely to resist addictive behaviors. Which means if you do not have a crippling cocaine addiction, be sure to thank your dad. See if you can find him. Hes probably giving out handies at the bus station. laughter thats why im giving a tip of my hat to hoppedup pops. Congratulations. applause you have finally cheers you have finally you have finally earned that father of the year mug you stole from the hallmark store after biting the cashier. Researchers found that cocaine causes d. N. A. Alterations in sperm in which the changes are transmitted to males in the next generation, meaning cocaine addiction skips a generation, like baldness. But if youre lucky enough to avoid baldness, remember, you can sell your hair for coke. So the next time you see a dude do a bump off a toilet seat at a strip club, just say to yourself, that guys going to make a great dad. Next up, folks, i am no fan of americas global archnemesis and primary investor china. They are so smug with their surging economy, their wall visible from space, and their seeminglyless ends supply of lucky numbers. laughter but finally, finally, American Culture is striking back. Starbucks is facing scrutiny in china this week because state media is accusing it of overpricing. 4. 50 for a mediumsized latte, roughly a third more than in the united states. Stephen thats right. Our cold war has escalated into a crise so hot, you need one of those card board things to hold it. So im giving a tip of the hat to starbucks for finding a way to stick it to the chinese. cheers and applause . Weve called out the chinese on one human rights violation after another with no response. But to crank up the privacy a nofoam matchiato, and the government releases a 20minute broadcast called and this is true starbucks, expensive in china. I cant wait for the followup film Dunkin Donuts when the hell are they selling tuna sandwiches. Whats behind the bull market in the china coffee shop . According to stooshz its higher cost comes from such factors as labor and ingredients. Of course ingredients will be more expensive because in china frappachinos contain fresh lump crab meat and cadmium. Speaking of china i just was and this week, there was more bad news. Chinese shoppers set online sales records monday. Shoppers clicked their way to more than 5 billion in products on chinas largest ecommerce site. That dwarfs sales on cyber monday in the united states. 5 billion worth of sales. That is 2. The 5 times more than cyber monday in the united states. Stephen folks, if china has the cash to do this, were clearly not borrowing enough upon it laughter im giving the next wag of my fing tore american consumers. How you can not outspend these guys . Online shopping is much harder for the chinese. After they buy an ipad, they have to run back to the factory to make it. laughter applause the occasion for all this peking kaching was november 11, chinas singles day, symbolize bide the four lonely ones of 1111. Of course the idea of one as the loamest number was first found in the writings of chinese philosopher, hari nilsun. laughter applause now, the chinese, the chinese originally started singles day as a time for unmarried mep to lament their solo status with a drink. We have a similar practice of men drinking alone in america. Its called ladies night. laughter folks, i believe we need to take a lesson from china and harness the economic power of lonely, single men. You guys need to step up and start buying more stuff. I mean, look what youre doing right now. Youre watching my show. On the couch, probably alone. Me, i go home every night and spend time with my loved ones. Daddy loves you, playstation 4. cheers and applause . Who you dove me back . Well be right back. Stephen welcome back, nation. Thanks so much. Ladies and gentlemen, if you know the history of this show is comes as no surprise to you i love the olympics. Its one of the few times you can throw a spear in a stadium and not get arrest forward it. This is the sport report. cheers and applause cheers folks thank you, that ones free. Thats free. laughter folks, im really looking forward to the upcoming wirptd qaims in sochi, russia. I even learned some russian like dosvedanya. Which means two vedanyas. And vohtaka, which i believe means id like to wang need in the nearest fountain, please. Beautiful language. And for all these olympics, russia is promising unprecedented security measures. Nossurprising, of course, given all the threats the country faces chechen rebels, kazakh fundamentalists, riding pussy. But theres one group thats more dangerous than all of those combined the gays. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, were all scared. laughter russias olympic olympics are ed by homosexuals who insist on existing during them. laughter thats why last june, Vladimir Putin signed a law banning all homosexual propaganda, including public displays of affection, or displaying symbols like a rainbow flack. Good thinking. Because the visible spectrum has always had a gay agenda. laughter applause i mean, it explains why were always hearing about roy g. Biv, but never mrs. G. Biv. Where is she, roy . Some in the l. G. B. T l. G. B. T. Co, which consider stands for somethingsomethingsomething te somethingsomethingsomethingte rrorist, are threatening to stage a gayin. Theres all sorts of abutting protest movements against the Winter Olympics because of the homophobic stance of putins and the russian laws. There should be wearing of rainbow colors. There should be protests. There should be more speech. An openly gay spade skater wants to go there, wear a rainbow pin and say, im here, im gay, and im okay. Hey, blake, do you really think you need to wear a rainbow pin when youre wearing the man spanx. We get the message. Fortunately, russian olympic officials have come up with a foolproof way to make the olympic torch a little less flaming. Pictures showing the official uniform for volunteers and staff, brightly colored ski jabts and hats featuring the olympic ring. Some people say colors very similar to the rainbow flag that symbolizes the l. G. B. T. Movement. Stephen yes, by wearing these rainbow uniforms, the russians are leaving the gays with no protest symbol. As president of the olympic organizes committee chernyshenko, told usa today, i am very brave, i will put my rainbow pin on and let me go to jail in russia because i will be promoting gay right in the olympic game. Has anybody noticed what kind of uniform game organizers will be wearing . Yes, we took your rainbow. Suck it, gays. Just just dont do it in russia. laughter applause now, when someone watching the olympics sees rainbow cloacting, they wont think theyre a gay protester. Theyre just think they have terrible taste. Bravo, russia no country has neutralized then hitler oneups jesse owens by wearing black face. I agree, not cool, hitler, not cool. Im sorry, this is where i get off. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is the acclaimed rapper behind the albums arular, kala, maya, and matangi. Either that, or my teleprompter is on the fritz again. Please welcome m. I. A. cheers and applause nice to meet you. Thanks so much for coming on. All right, let me am i pronouncing that correctly, m. I. A. . Yes. Stephen i didnt know, it could have been mia. You have another name, right . Uhhuh. Stephen help me out. Metangy. Stephen metangy. Yes. Stephen and your last name. Aropragasm . Stephen is that your real name . A lot of women fake the aropragasm. You have a new album. Youre a big musician. And you are a visual artist, too, arent you . Yes. Stephen did you design all the stuff . Yes. Stephen you did . Yes. cheers and applause . Stephen im impressed. Why not stick to one thing . Why do more than one thing at a time . Because thats what refugees do, isnt it. Stephen are you a refugee . Yes. Stephen from. Sri lanka. Stephen you were born in england . Yes, but i lived in sri lanka for teb yiers. Stephen so at some point you were a refugee from england. I came back when it got crazy in sri lanka. Stephen i have a problem with you. I know. Stephen are you ready for this . Are you ready . All right . How come you have politics in your music . Okay . Its dance music. laughter just let me get up there and shake it. Do i have to like do you have to dance and think about, like, the boat massacre of 1985 . laughter . Yes stephen why cant you just sing about lovely lady lumps or, like, or like bubble yum bum. Somebody had already written that song. Stephen why do politics . I dont know. I was inspired by a lot of american artists. Stephen who . Bob dylan. cheers and applause . You know, public enemy. cheers and applause . You know, i put out my first song and came to america, i thought you guys were used to it alalready. I didnt realize it was so shocking. Stephen as an artist born in england, grew up in sri lanka, what do you think of america . Youve been here a long time. Yes. Stephen what do you, of us . Watch your answer. Whoa this is i think. Stephen ill start, greatest country on earth. cheers and applause . I think america im going to be really controversial because thats a controversial question. Stephen what do i think of america . Yes. Stephen stand up and salute, baby, and youre done. Well, you know stephen i can take it. In my mind there are no countries. Like were all one. We all live on this planet. Stephen what do you think of me . I dont know. This is ive never watched the show. Oh sorry, but thats because i dont watch television. I dont watch television as a whole. Its not that i was singling you out. Stephen thats okay. It doesnt matter. laughter its nice, now naive met you, and you can sing. I think youre one of us. Stephen what . That you can sing. Stephen i can sing . Yeah, you can sing. You have a nice singing voice. Stephen would you please do a song for us . Yes, i will. Stephen well be right back with a performance by m. I. A. This is a performance off the new album matangi. Leaks, mia. Go low, go slow run like a polo up and down that pole like youre glowin up a yo yo go low, go slow run like a polo up and down that pole like youre glowin up a yo yo yea yea, y. A. L. A yea yea, y. A. L. A alarms go off when i enter the building y. A. L. A y. A. L. A y. A. L. A y. A. L. A i drink some cointreau keep it in my poncho light up like castro blow it up and get go pro when i set, go grow like an afro play like ronaldo hard like im death row weight in kilo light as a pillow dance on my tiptoe like a thai box girl yeah we come come come yeah we come with some some get a glass of rum with a gun and some pun pun oh fun fun fun lets get em undone take a hit on the bong its been so long since we hung go low, go slow run like a polo up and down that pole like youre glowin up a yoyo go low, go slow run like a polo up and down that pole like youre glowin up a yoyo anti war war m. I. A. Underscore i got the law law searching for me on tour bankin offshore, take a trip to singapore i need to earn like im Julianne Moore for the hour poor dont wanna ignore thats why i say no audio so they can explore my baby, i am more my mommy i adore i tried to stay pure cant take it anymore yeah we come come come yeah we come with some some yea a glass of rum with a gun and some pun pun oh fun fun fun lets get em undone take a hit on the bong its been so long since we hung go low, go slow run like a polo up and down that pole like youre glowin up a yo yo go low, go slow run like a polo up and down that pole like youre glowin up a yo yo yea yea, y. A. L. A. Yea yea, y. A. L. A. Alarms go off when i enter the building cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org