Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140116

Cried out for freedom and it was my name. Nation, you watch this show, i have always said that america is the greatest, best country god ever gave man on the face of this earth. Under god indivisible like a rock it gives you wings, usa, number one. This is why frankly im disgusted that at bomba administration and usa tourism have teamed up to beg for the worlds approval in this new ad land of dream dom and find your land of dream come and find your land of dreams. Multiracial band,hindu festivals, what kind of ad for america is that . Where are the toddler pga epteds, where are the guns, where is the lap band surgery . cheers and applause great campaign, obama. When im pushing my way through times square i always think why cant we have more drunk euro teens taking photos with a crusty bootleg elmo . Besides, america does not need a commercial. It makes us seem desperate like jamaica or the democratic republic of sandals. And if you ares going to make a tourism ad t should look like this. America, come or dont. We dont give a [bleep] cheers and applause and i havent even shown you the worse part of the pathetic government begfest. Land of dream come find your land of dreams. Stephen all right, all right, jim, freeze it right there. laughter okay. Did they really have to reveal to the world that everyone in america paraglides wile an eagle lands on their arm . That was supposed to be a secretary et. Now every tomas, dolf and jorge are going to want in. The lines at eagle arm canyon are going to be insane. laughter i just know the next time i go parahawking which is tonight, by the way, all the good birds will be taken, ill be stuck with a chicken. Well, well i guess at least they didnt blow the cover on our other National Pass time, Whitewater Rafting while spooning a jaguar. Well, folks, as you know, i dedicated all of last nights show exclusively to sports. But theres lots of other things to talk about. This is the sport report. cheers and applause folks, folks, i am a huge fan of college football. Its got all the grace and athleticism of pro football but the players dont make any money. Theyre in it for the love of not getting paid. I have no interest in dated professional was do things for money. Same reason ri just dont enjoy watching people pick cotton any more. But a terrifying, terrifying new enemy is threatening to destroy our beloved College Sports. Education. The university of North Carolina is not just anat letic powerhouse with dedicated fans. Its also a top tier academic institution. But one academic counselor there who spent years tutoring student athletes says too many of them cant even read. Theyre leaving here, with an education. Willingham found that 8 were reading below a fourth grade level and 60 were reading between a 4th and 8th grade reading level. We may as well just go over to glenwood elementary right off the street and just let all the fourth graders come here. Stephen why, how fast can they run the 40 . laughter can they really take a hit . Okay. Folks, this counselor willingham here claims theyre ripping our student athletes off. The scholarship agreement is often fraudulent. We promise an education in exchange for talents. And thats not what we are providing pain of these young people. Stephen fraudulent, come on. Unc is fulfilling its end of the bargain. You play football and in exchange you get a dip lol loll diploma. You dont know that is what it is because you cant read it but trust them t says that you can. And this whole we owe students an education racket is a threat to something much more important than his future, presentday money. Because College Sports is an 8 billion industry roughly the size of the nfl. And if collegiate lets learn math theyll be able to calculate that their share of that money is 0 . And the big boys. Besides, knowledge is a precious thing. Its a waste to stuff it into a Football Players skull when it is just going to get all scrambled out on the field. Now speaking of college football, folks, pro football, its the nfl playoffs everyone is bringing their a game. The fast guy was do the catch ball, the huge fella was push the smaller guys and the stripey dancers who do the ymca. Nice to see they made the playoffs again this year. And as always, were seeing some outstanding performances from the true heroes of the nfl, the advertisers. True fans know all the players have the official soft drink of the nfl. Gatorade the official sports drink, x box one the official console, bridgestone the official tire of the nfl and earlier this year, sabra hummus became the official dip of the nfl. Yeah. Its pretty exciting. cheers and applause its pretty exciting. Theyre already grinding the chick peas for the sell bra tory hummus dump. Folks, there is a reason the nfl takes corporate participate so seriously. In fact, there are 1. 2 billion reasons because thats how much it costs to make bud light the nfls official beer which is actually a pretty fair price for officially recognizing are bud lite as a beer. applause i love this sponsorship. Folks, i love this partnership and so does one of the games biggest stars because heres what broncos quarterback Payton Manning said after his teams win on sunday. What is on my mind is how soon i can get a bud lite in my mouth after the game. Priority number one. Folks, i believe this just might be the greatest act of sports adjacent corporate promotion since lou gehrigs tearful farewell. Today i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. And a its all thanks to brill cream, a little dab will do you. Payton manning you keep up the good work. Remember, as the great Vince Lombardi once said winning isnt everything, im loving it. Well be right back. cheers and applause xp welcome back, everybody, thank you so much, folks, you know ladies and gentlemen, i have made this clear since day one of this show. I am absolutely no fan of the french. Sure they gave us the statue of liberty but big deal, we already had one in vegas. But the recent behavior of their president has sacre blown my mind. So tonight he is my alpha dog of the week. Or technically he is my chen alpha the wolf. Nation, i thought you couldnt top burr lus cone party but ollond has done the impossible, he has taken it to the third bun ga within the sex scandal around the president of france. The president is having an affair with an actress. Thats right. The president was caught creme bruolling another wochlt and its not even the first time. For over 30 years frank here was buttering his baguette with fellow socialist politician royalle, bonjour ma damn. They were france its ultimate power couple like bill and hillary only slightly less socialist. Now despite their having four children together, they never got married. Oland clarely cant commit, not even to what country hes named after. But folks cheers and applause napoleon bonerpart did not stop there. In 2007 after royalle lost the president ial election he started sniffing around for some journalist valerie tr rerx valeur. Oh, mais oui, who after holland was collected president became frances first lady even though again they were never married. Apparently the first lady of france is the last person the president slept with. Now to put that into by speblt perspective for a few months in 1998 our first lady would have been monica lewinsky. Now now lewinsky fans here tonight. All right, now some would be satisfied with making the public accept one mistress but last week it was revealed that holland is depardon ewing it with french act ree actress yulie guyere ou est la bibliteque and remember, folks, holland looks like he could be ringing bells at notre dame. Now the president of france lives in a palace surrounded by security. But this puppy will pew found the doggie door. Pictured arriving at the door of this paris apartment, followed shortly by a helmeted man on the back of a motor scooter. The french president in a feeble disguise identified by his shoes. They are reporting the parent where holland personally spent time with his mistress is linked to the mafia. Stephen oh, dow not want to mix with the french mafia. Oh, they will silence you forever in an invisible box. But folks, folks, this brushed off the concern assuring the public he was always safe. My security is guaranteed everywhere and at all times. When its private its a lighter protection but everywhere im protected. Stephen see, he had plenty of protection. New reports of mistress of the french president is pregnant. Stephen okay, maybe a little more protection would have been nice. Now cheers and applause stephen now remember remember restill hasnt broken up with the first mistress here who i got to say is not taking this well. His longterm partner frances first lady valerie in hospital said to be suffering the blues what the french call a a sleep cure in by she is kept sedated until she feels better. Stephen yes. Just kept sedated until she feels better. Or until the leaches balance her humor. There is your socialized medicine, folks. All of this has compromised hollands trip to the united states. Today Francois Holland sidestepped a simple question, who is the first lady. The president holland promised his love life would be sorted out by the time he visits washington. Which gives him less than a month to decide who will be his first lady. Oh, you know, he is like make it like the bachelor, have a rose ceremony in the white house rose garden, will it be the current first lady, his new second first lady or more likely will this alpha dog get dry humping. cheers and applause stephen so Francois Holland for being the best inbreeder, you, sir, are my well be right. Ck. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is the editor from new York Magazine, his new book is you will cad the loudest voice in the room. Either the book is about me or i wasnt in the room. Please welcome gabriel sherman. Thank you for coming on. Good to be here. Stephen all right, couldnt be bothered it wear a tie, keeping it casual. Okay, youre a contributing editor to new York Magazine and your work has also appeared in the new york times, obviously youve established your conservative credentials. Lets talk about your fair and balanced book about roger ailes, the founder and chairman of fox news. Okay. I have sources at fox news, okay. I got a lot of friends over there. One of my sources talked to me today and this person says youre not a good guy. Defend yourself, are you a good guy . Were they on the record. Stephen no. They were for me, not for you. Mi a good guy. Stephen youre a good guy. Im a reporter. I covered media and ailes is the biggest story in media, he created a powerhouse, quite the ratings that cnn and nbc does, his channels generate a billion dollars of profits. Stephen that is a lot of lubricated catheter ads. So do you cover media this is the biggest story, he has created a phenomenon in american culture. Stephen but there is a hit job. This is what my sources tell me this is a hit job, okay is it a hit job. Its not a hit job. Stephen then Say Something positive, prove that you not just doing a havp et job on roger ailes, Say Something positive and nice about roger ailes that is in the book. Well, fox news is a family. The people who work for ailes love him. I mean he is a charismatic leader. When he went to work for nbc to fox news in 1996, more than 80 people followed him out the door. They were rushing to go work for the guy. Ailes called an executive at nbc and said it a jailbreak. These guys couldnt leave fast enough to go work for him. So he is a charismatic leader. Stephen all right, thank you for coming by. Thank you so much. And thats all we hav have evidently we have more time, evidently we have more time. Okay. Charismatic leader. But you also say hes a bully. That hes vindictive. If he ask a bully and vindictive why do people love him . Because they love him. They love and they fear him. You know, one executive told me in a meeting. Stephen what is the difference. Well, love, hate. Stephen okay. One executive told me in a meeting that the top guys hope that the trex wont see them. They hope he doesnt call on them in a meeting because he is so volatile that they dont want to be singled out in front of him. And so that he is charismatic, largerthanlife, citizen kane like figure which is great to work for but it is also terrifying. Stephen how much time did you subpoena interviewing roger ailes, was he a good guy, did you like spending all that time with him. He did not want to participate in this book. Stephen then how do you know what hes likement you dont know this is all just conjecture and hearsay you know nothing about my friend roger. I went out and spent three years interviewing more than 600 people to get a nuance and full portrait. Stephen but why did you do that, didnt you learn anything from fox news, you decide what you want the story to be and just only talk to the people without support it. applause i wish journalism was that easy. Stephen no, not journalism, just talking about now he is famously, the human certificate that roger, i dont think this is fair but the human certificate that roger is kind of a vindictive guy. You cross him and its go time, all right. He will destroy you. Are you afraid . Are you afraid that he will make your life a living hell and am i afraid that you have dragged me into your death spiral by being on the show. Are awe afraid. No im not afraid. I have been attacked, okay, relentlessly on the internet but dont believe any of it. Stephen why . Why doesnt the internet have as much credibility as your book does . You have attacked roger, hey, hey, i hope you are boog the internet or him. I had a team of two Fact Checkers spend more than 2,000 hours vetting this book before publication. Last time i checked i didnt think a lot of the right wing web sites have fact checks. Stephen well, they dont need to. They nneed to. Sir, let me explain something, you do not have to check your facts if you start with the truth within its all about what you here. Stephen jesus said that. Then its gospel. Stephen do you think that roger ailes actually believes the things that fox news is promoting or do you think he mostly believes in creating really Good Television shows for people to watch. You know, this was the big reveal for my book after three years of everything is real. Everything that you see on the screen starts with him. There is a morning meeting, 8 a. M. In the morning, he gathers his top guys, monologues about the news. You know, the joke inside fox, the best show on fox news is ailess morning editorial meeting am he had will say things like obama hates capital im, obama is destroying america. No one died from Nuclear Power but 15 people have been chopped up by those damn windmills. Stephen wait a second, so so at 8 a. M. Ailes sort of sets the agenda for what people will talk about for the day. Yeah. Stephen but fox and friends starts at 6 a. M. Is that why for the first two hours they seem so confused . cheers and applause gabriel, thank you so much. The book is the loudest voice in the room. Well be right back. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody, good night. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds. The results are in so everyone can relax. Juicy j has finally announced the winner of the 50,000 juicy j twerk scholarship on world star hiphop. Read the rules after shaking your ass, youre gonna get some money. Always about shaking your ass. Chris the ironic thing is she that she didnt actually twerk, he just