Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140207

Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen nation, thank you so much. Folks welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us tonight. You know, folks, if you watch this show and i hope you do and if theres one thing that i love saying, its i told you so. Oh, god, that felt good. laughter see, i told you so. Oh there it is again what a rush. And, folks, today the you im so tell is barack obama. You see, for years the president has been dragging his feet on billion th the keystone xl pipeline which would drastically increase our nations supply of oil as well as our nations supply of pipe. Now, for a while obama insisted he couldnt complete the project because the nations best pipefit erdz were busy saving princess apache peach. Them he claimed he couldnt approve anything until he got the environmental intablght report. Last week hid strategic excuse ran out. The pipeline only have a minimum impact on carbon emissions. Stephen minimum impact. Bottom line, the pipeline upon provide us with much ofneeded fossil fuels. Speaking of fossils, bill oreilly. cheers and applause . Now, folks, i dont know if you were watching, but on super bowl sunday, bill sat down with the president and did what the broncos couldnt he scored points. laughter jim. All right, keystone xl pipeline, new study comes in, Environmental Impact negligible. 42,000 jobs. Youre going to okay it, i assume. First of all, its not 42,000. Thats not correct. Its a couple of thousand to build the pipeline. 42 all told. The bottom line is who were going to do, the process now goes agencies comment on what the state department did, the public is allowed to comment, kerrys going to give me a recommendation so i assume were going to do that after five years. Well take a look at it. Okay, ill take that as a yes. laughter . Stephen you heard president oreilly. He said yes to the keystone xl pipeline, thats why i love bill. Hes not only asking the hardhitting questions. Hes providing the hardhitting answers. laughter and papa bear is right, folks its president s own study says the Environmental Impact is negligible, because most of albertas oil will find a way to get to market anyway, if not by pipeline, by rail. It is inevitable. If something is inevitable, then america should be the one to do it. applause case in point these people get it case in point, isnt it inevitable that the ice caps will melt so i say we drown the polar bears in the san diego zoo. We charge people a couple of bugs a ahead to watch and give the money to the World Wildlife fund and they can use it to save the polar bears. Otherwise, those guys are doomed. Now, nation, the open, ceremonies for the 2014 Winter Olympics are just one day away, which, of course, is the silver medal event starting today. In the runup to these games, Vladimir Putin has gotten a lot of criticism for antigay laws, for bull dozing poor neighborhoods to build olympic facilities and now harshest of all for his yogurt bloccade. There is an attempt at yogurt diplomacy. Rush is holding up 5,000 singleserve containers of chobani yogurt. Chuck schumer said its stranded at new as airport. Stephen our athletes yogurt is being embargoed but its only because the russians want to protect traditional family values. Lets face it its no secret that yogurt is the gayest dairy product. laughter first of all, first of all, its greek style. laughter its it longs to be in the mouth of john stamos. laughter applause and and cheers hear me out. Hear me out. Need i mention, fruit on the bottom. applause laughter of course, Everybody Knows, Everybody Knows that i have owned the Winter Olympics ever since i saved vancouver in 2010 by bailing out the u. S. Speedskating team with my your money. Folks, i cannot wait to get to sochi. Although, i might have to. New concerns that sochi is not ready to host the games. Hotels and other buildings arent finished. Journalists are appalled by the condition of their hotel rooms, many of them in shambles. The rooms spartan is a nice way to call them. A tweet my hotel has no water. If restored, the front desk says do not tiewz on your face because it contains something very dangerous. Stephen let me get this straight. Shes complaining that her hotel shut off the facepoison valve . Im sorry, thats just seeing the glass of toxic yellow fluid as half empty. And these reporters ivy tower attitude extend to the porcelain throne. Notice the sign here asking users not to flush toilet paper, instead theyre supposed to throw it in the tash can. Stephen okay, thats a little rough, thats a little rough. But on the bright side, the secret police probably wont go through your trash now. laughter jimmy, whats the next event in the cryathalon. Evens the city sidewalks begin to fill with athletes and tourists, some of those sidewalks have yet to be paved. Not all the manholes are covered. Stephen okay, that one surprises me. I mean, given the antigay laws, you would expect piewt town cover the manholes. laughter cheers and applause im sorry. Ill tell you, folks, that does not excuse all this nitpicking by the complainstream media. A german reporter said when he checked into his hotel room, there was a stray dog living inside. Stephen look, do you want your toilet fixed or not . Its a busy week, and the hotel only has one repair dog. The point is, all these problems can be solved. Sochi still has almost nine hours before the olympics begin. Besides, ive seen way worse, folks. Up to the talk bathroom nightmare. Had i was in vancouver, the hotel give me mini bottles of shampoo and conditioner, but no lotion. I had to use conditioner on my skin. And let me tell you, four years later, youd be alarmed by the parts of my body that are still tanglefree. So if i can tough it out, so soi reporters, you can tough it it out. Whats this . Ive just been handing a breaking news bulletin from myself that says i will not be attending the sochi olympics. Damn it thats too bad, folks. I hear theyd almost finished the runway. My plane was supposed to hello, america. The folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. But, come on. Theyre wonderful. Im wonderful. Theyll sell themselves. I think were done. Yeah. You were good. Friends are like family, so whos gonna be in yours . My girls, my lady and my fantasy league. Except jerry. [ male announcer ] but the more people you add, the lower the rate. Fine. Jerry. [ male announcer ] add up to 10 people and everyone gets unlimited talk, text and one gig of data for as low as 25 a month each. We can get one more. Add my boyfriend. Whoa whoa whoa his bill is separate right . [ male announcer ] all the bills are separate. Great. [ male announcer ] the framily plan from sprint, with a new price, new plan, and an all new network. Visit a sprint store today. In the last thirty seconds due to a lack of branding. Well, lets take care of that. Pistachio pistachio wait for it. Pistachio the inventor of great taste and less filling. The one that dared to say, maybe light beer should taste like beer. And for a limited time, miller lite is back in the original light can. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much, folks. You know, i try to live we the words of the gospel, and the bible clearly says let me who is without sin cast the first stone. This is a tip of the hat, wag of the finger. Folks, longtime viewers know ive always been a staunch supporter of the t. S. A. Americas front line in creating lines. I recently learned something that has given me more than three ounces of rage. A former t. S. A. Security screener claims his fellow agents amused themselves by mock the images of passengers produced by the airports body scanner. Jokes ran rampant. Many images we gawkd at were overweight people,. Officers gawking at images of overweight people and genitals. Stephen quauking at overweight peoples genitals. I thought the whole point of being overweight was to conceal your genitals. Thats why im giving a wag of my fing tore t. S. A. Peeping toms. Now everybody will be selfconscience about traveling. Youll have to get in shape for every trip like its your wedding day. But you gotta do it. Its your special day. And the t. S. A. Is also taking our best coping mechanism booze. The author of the expoas a tweeted,one ling i left out of that politico piece, hell, yes, employees often drink the alcohol collected at the checkpoint. This is a flagrant abuse of power. Theyre back there living it up on all our confiscated goods. Sucking down our whiskey, laghtering up with our shampoo, rinsing with our dasani bottles, all the we clipping their toenails until the cows come home. It sickens me to know someone is chugging my mayo and firing my taser. cheers and applause . Next up. I love art. But im way too famous to go to a museum. So i was excited to learn that todays best art is delivered hot in 30 minutes or less. A lot of people just think im a punk kid making pizzas. Bit butt thats not true. The truth is, there is more to domino pizza makers than you think. Many of us have a real passion for crafting things by hand, like our handmade fresh pizza. Stephen yes, dominos is like paris in the 20s. If paris were sandwiched in between a upus store and a dress barn. Thats why im giving a tip of the hat to the pizza artist from dominos school, because the most important thing to me when i order a box of wings is the life story of the guy who dumps them in there. laughter you know, folks, i i finally get dominos. Its not pizza. Its art. Now, at first blush, it appears ephemeral, a protean mass of meat and cheeses. After a night on the counter its as impenetrable as rogans hell. But its pretty good when youre drunk. There is no stronger defender of free speech than me, truly. And if you disagree ill cut your vocal chords. Thats why i was sow pumped by a recent federal government ruling. A federal government has ruled you can flash your headlights to warn drivers of a speed trap ahead. Flashing your lights is freedom of speech. This is a great victory for freedom of speech. Stephen yes, flashing your lights at a speed trap is your right. It goes back to paul reveres famous cry, one if by land, two if by sea, three if i cant drive. cheers and applause thats why i give a tip of the fat to federal judges, and, folks, i cannot wait to relay this good news to the millions of my viewers who are watching right now while also driving a truck, okay. First, i gotta get out gotta get out my trucker hat, okay. All right. Gotta get out my old cw radio. And its going to be a long trip, so i have got my sports drink. And my toilet. Okay. All right. Here we go. Breaking 19, breaker 19, you got your ears on. This is big daddy truckinous t ins with the 1017. The man in black is laid down. Theres a flag fly on the 20s for dudley doright. Skip the double nickels on the green stamps and drop the hammer down because if theres a bear in the woods taking pictures a Good Neighbor will hit you with a strobe light on the flip side to give you the heads up on the bear bites. Pedal to the medal, big buddy. You know what . You know what . All that authentic trucker lingo made me thirsty. Mmmmmm. Oh, my god oh, my god oh mmmmmm. Nope. laughter thats the [ find you by zedd plays ] [ male announcer ] when youre ready to turn up your night. Turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. Brewed with topshelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. Yeah you always make me go. [ male announcer ] turn up your night, and make it platinum. Which 4g lte map has the most coverage . This isnt real difficult. Pretty obvious to me. Im going to have to say verizon verizon. The choice is obvious. Verizon is americas largest and most reliable 4g lte network, with data plans starting as low as 45 monthly access including unlimited talk and text. Plus free world messaging unlimited for three months. Thats powerful. Verizon. Act now and get a free droid mini, plus 100 to spend. Great. This is the last thing i need. seriously . Lets take this puppy over to midas and get you some of the good ol midas touch. Hey you know what . Ill drive i really didnt think this through. Brakes, tires, oil, everything. whistling announcer you can quit. For free help, visit cdc. Gov tips. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a prizewinning economist, who believes that obamacare is working. Wow. I hope hes got Mental Health coverage. laughter please welcome paul krugman. cheers and applause . Good to see you. Good to see you again. Thanks for coming back. This is actually your sixth trip to the show. Indeed, it is. Stephen did you bring your frequent guest card. I did. Stephen do you have that . Free latte. There you go. Thank you very much. Stephen and you get a you get a free sub. There we go stephen all right. Now, paul, you know why i have you here tonight. Right. Stephen okay . Because i get to gloat over the fact that obamacare is a proven job killer. The c. B. O. Came out with a report that says 2. 5 Million People fewer will have jobs by 2021 because of obamacare. Would you like to apologize to america helping to promote this job killer. This is quite an amazing piece of i see a lot of media malpractice. A lot of them got it wrong. The c. B. O. Did not say that. Stephen yes, they did . Have you read the report . Yes. Stephen i have not. That way i get to claim anything i want paul krugman. What the c. B. O. Said, we know a number of people will choose, once they have the guarantee of Health Insurance, there are a lot of people in america who are working extra hours, staying in fulltime jobs, because they need the Health Insurance. Theres parents of young children, theres older people, you know, who are 63, and not in good health but theyre hanging on with those fulltime jobs until they can get medicare. With the law in effect, a fair number some people will work shorter hours. Some people will retire earlier. So the total number of hours will be reduced, voluntarily. People will choose to work less. No jobs lost. And actually the c. B. O. Says in big they say right there. This is going to be voluntary choice. People will choose to work less. They made the mistake of saying this will be the equivalent of two million fulltime jobs being removed. laughter but the next day, the director of the c. B. O. Went on to say we are not talking about job losses. And in fact, i am this is a good thing. Stephen he had to say that, his job was on the chopping block. Right. Stephen you think the obama people didnt get to him. The fact of the matter is you say its because people will be more mobile and be able to leave their jobs and not be tied down to Health Insurance so they can work less if they want to. Thats obamas vision for america. Everybody work less. Right. Stephen hey phone it in everybody gets a snow day. cheers applause thats how rome fell. Were going to pay for everybody by taxing mom. Stephen you will . How is obamacare not redistribution of wealth, okay . Why should my hardearned money go pay for sliewzy shuts creptdive pills . I dont need them. But sandy spread your legs wants her contraceptive pills or lucy lung machine. Im healthy or im a young person which i am why should i be paying for somebody elses health care. Thats not the Way Insurance works. Thats the Way Insurance works. If you buy fire insurance, most people dont have fires, and people who dont have fires are subsidizing people who have fires. Stephen i dont have house insurance. If my house catches fire ill get insurance. I think the slogan for obamacare should be stuff happens and it could happen to you. Every one of us is at risk of becoming sick, having something where we really need to insurance to pay for it. Insurance markets dont work well. If we want to have a system where americans have a basic guarantee they can have the health care they need, is that they can afford it when they need it, then you have to have Something Like obamacare and every other advanced country in the world has universal health care, health care when you need it that you can afford. Thats what obamacare tbifs you. Stephen when you need it that you can afford because youre taking my money. Were pooling. Stephen thats redistribution of wealth. Pooling money is redistribution of wealth. Youll admit it. Say it. Say it. Its redistribution of wealth. Actually, im okay with a little stephen you almost said it. You almost gave away the whole game. You almost gave away Life Insurance is redistribution of wealth for. Isnt one of the problems here is so far only old people are signing up for this, and its got to be young people signing up for it . Actually, what you want to look at is you look at what the Insurance Companies are saying. Theyre saying its an older mix of people, but its within expectations. Its actually a little better than they expected. You want to keep reading the fine print here. Not if its going to make me lose the argument. There we go. Stephen what can obama do to get more young people interested in obamacare other than sending out teen icon paul krugman to talk to them . I think thats a good thing. The penalty for not signing up is not much this year. It gets bigger next year. Stephen its 90 bucks or something. Also youre going to start to hear young people are going to start to hear from friends that, my god, i had this desperate, and i ended up in the emergency room, and that would have cost me 20,000, but thank god i have insurance. Stephen again, redistributing my wealth. Theres a little bit of redistributing from people who have been lucky to people who are unlucky. Stephen lucky lucky . You think i didnt earn this job . I mean, i did the work of being tollbooth operator on the jersey turnpike and having jon stewart drive through one day and say, do you want a Television Show . I put the work in. There we go. Stephen paul, thank you so much for joining me. Paul krugman, new york times. 2. 5 Million People. Well be rightht cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thats it for the report, folks. Before we go, i am proud i am proud to introduce the newest member of the colbert nation, eli felix katsir. Oh stephen son of my intern jay the intern, and his wife adina, my interninlaw. laughter jay has always been there for me, except the last 24 hours, when he didnt show up for some reason. laughter probably the flu. Well, welcome to the world, eli. And congratulations on earning the same salary as your father. laughter applause speak of which, jay, since this is your second baby i am promoting you to junior executive intern. It does not come with a salary bump but your business cards will be more impressive, or they would be if i gave you business cards. And remember, as soon as eli is old enough to carry a la at a, i captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 99 59 and 59 seconds, we found this on daley dailymail web site, a russian skier whose name i refused to butcher, modelling an lingerie alongside her skies because theyre superstraight over there and they just want you to remember it. Fresh off the theyre so not gay people in sochi pronouncement, russias next campaign was modelling its female olympians in lingerie