Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140324

There, all around the world. Mr. And mrs. America, and all the ships at sea. Folks, you can feel the electricity in the room right now. Necessarnow. This is our last show before we take a week off for spring break. I am going to miss you but i have no choice because my doctor says i need to load up on vitamin bacardi. Thats good old alcohol safe and effective when administered orally. But first, tonight, i want to talk to you about marijuana. Or as the kids cheers yeah, yeah, yeah. It frightens me, too. laughter marijuana, or as the kids call it, jazz cigarettes. Just because it comes from nature, people think its harmless, but if pot were so safe, then why is everyone from the movie refer madness now dead . laughter but recent news from colorado, a. K. A. Potsylvania, has caught my attention. Green makes green. New numbers show colorado raking in about 2 million in its first month of Recreational Marijuana sales. Thats from taxes. That figure is based on total sales of 14 million during the first month it became legal. That states governor thinks marijuana sales will bring in more than 600 million a year. Stephen 600 million folks, the market has spoken, and the market is tokin cheers and applause as a staunch capitalist, i must now honor my longstanding pledge to instantly ditch my morals for anything profitable. First up, im going to need a little business experience, okay, so i swiped an apple from the office fridge, and i also swiped some weed, also from the office fridge. I dont care if your name was on it, jerry, all right . Now from what i read on reddit, its easy to turn this bad boy into a pipe. I just hollow out i just hollow out one little thing here, and i take some of that dp sprinkle that in there. And then. Mmmm. Mmmm. Man. That is some tart stash. Now, folks, clearly laughter clearly, theres some cash to be made here. And if you want a piece of the pie, and if youre high, you do im going to help you make some money right now with the help oh of a big red button. Are you a cop . You have to tell me if youre a cop. This is the colbert reports. Bears and balls. cheers and applause bears and bowls edition. Hi, nation. Were on the precipiceave new gold rush. Isnt that right, old timer . Weeeeed theres weeeeed in them there hills. Weeeeed coughing laughter applause cheers and for some businessmen, the cash is already pouring in. We want to introduce you to one family who is among the First Americans to become million naertz legal pot business, colorados first family of pot. I am coo, coordinator of operations. I do the least out of all three of us. laughs i bring lunch. Here we go into the warehouse, a site very few people get to see. Its crazy. I never would have thought. My dad divorced my mom and started growing in our basement, and thats where it all started. Stephen wow. Sounds like after the divorce, someone went a little overboard to make sure the kids wanted to come to their house on the weekend. laughter applause most dads just get an xbox. Folks, theres a name for pot pioneers like this. Theyre being called ganjapreneurs. Ganjapreneurs. Ganjapreneurs. Socalled ganjapreneurs. Stephen yes, ganjapreneurs, or a toakcoon, or a come of indoweed. A warren puffett. A Willie Nelson rockefeller. applause information, besides selling smokeables there is also big money in other things full of pot like matthew mcconaughey. No. Woody harrelson. No, good show, though. The munchies. Yes. Specifically, munchies made out of marijuana. Because these days, getting baked involves actual bakeries. The production of infused edibles and other nonsmokable products has taken off. Making up nearly 40 of all recreational pot sales. At denvers incredibles edibles, theyre cranking out 40,000 marijuanainfused candy bars a month, in a kitchen unlike any wed seen before. Bob ashino runs the company. Today, his team is cooking up strawberry cough crunch bars. Strawberries, white chocolate, and 100 milligrams of pure hash oil in each and every bar. Stephen thank you stoarn icon, harry smith. Get a haircut, you hippie now, with pot candy, you dont just taste rainbow. You are the rainbow. laughter applause folks, if gummy beers and lollipops arent adult enough for you, other shops offer t. H. C. Laden soda, beef jerky and gangapeneur pit gangapeneur. If your conscious does not allow to you sell pot, there is indirect ways to cash in on colorados new marijuana craze like clean urine sales man. No. Scalping fish tickets. Getting closer. Road trip. Stephen join the growing field of marijuana tourism. Denver is becoming the nigh amsterdam, only with fewer americans. Jim. Searches for Online Travel deals to denver are outpacing all other searches for all u. S. Destinations. A Company Called my 420 tours, they will pick you up at the airport, connect with you a potfriendly hotel. Addison morse owns this tour company, colorado Rocky Mountain high, and can barely keep up with the demand, even at about it will 300 per person. Take a look at this a marijuana ski bus, this Company Offering to pick up pot tourists d. I. A. , and take them straight to the slopes, while they smoke on the ride there. Stephen okay, heres how you spot people who have been on the marijuana ski bus theyre the ones snowboarding. laughter applause the point is the point is cheers denver, colorado, is quickly becoming americas biggest tourist destination, though your vacation photos may need significantly more red eye reduction. But, folks theres one problem every sudden of successful ganjapreneur must now deal with. Take your kid to work day. No. Mexican drug lords. Stephen they are thinskinned, but no. Mo money, mo problem. Stephen yes, because once youve made your stash from your stash, where do you stash it . From coast to coast, bank and credit union trade groups vase vaezing their member banks to steer clear of the marijuana business. Under federal law, marijuanas no different than hardcore Illegal Drugs like heroin and ecstasy. Stephen yes, if bankers accept drug money, they might go to jail. laughter applause what am i saying what am i saying thats got to be a typo. Whoever wrote that line was high. laughter well, thankfully information, some budness owners have found a workaround. We deal with companies with a dont ask, dont tell relationship. I think thraif a strong suspicion. Stephen i have a strong suspicion, too, since i cant even see you through all that dope smoke. But, folks cheers and applause he is careful not to make the bank too suspicious. We take great pains to help them ignore it by, you know, paying our vendors with cash. We also febreze the money so it doesnt smell like marijuana. laughter applause . Stephen yes, they febreze the money. They might be able to get the smell off a 100 bill, but everyone can see ben is baked out of his ghord. Well, thats it for tonights bears and balls. Join us next time when we profile other people who have gotten filthy rich pushing drugs like. Pfizer. Stephen no, no, i mean, when i highlight another place besieged by rampant drug abuse. Major league baseball. Stephen no, no, i mean places outside of colorado where pot use it booming. Everywhere stephen close enough. Well be right back. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause announcer the subaru forester. Motor trends two thousand fourteen Sport Utility of the year. When you get some recognition, you cant help feeling a little humbled, and a little proud. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Nation, im so glad youre here. Ive got to get something off my chest. You know, its not the first time ive said this, but i am as mad as a wet hen. And not just because im not sure what that means. Does a hen have a burst pipe in its coop. Did it spill its drink . Im just saying one would think an animal living in a dusty pen would enjoy a splash of water. But these no pleasing some chickens. The point is, im angry because our marxistinchief has launched another attack on american business. If youre making over 455 a week you do not qualify for overtime. The president is going to change the level with his executive order. So a lot more people will qualify for overtime. President obama flexing more executive authority. Is set to bypass congress and order the Labor Department to Institute Change nonetheless rules governing overtime pay today. Stephen Emperor Obama is issuing an executive order bypassing conclude because they wouldnt pass new overtime rules. Why should they . They never work overtime. Or or time for that matter. laughter applause and i dont know why hes doing it. There is no reason on gods green earth to do it because the system works. Currently, you can sphend 95 of the time sweeping floors and stock shelves, but if youre responsible for supervising people 5 of the time, you can then be considered an executive and be exempt from overtime pay. Folks, that makes sense to me. Even when youre stock shelves youre managing a lot of people little debbie, chef boyardee, the little doughboy. This is nothing but forced income redistribution. For that matter, income is forced income redistribution. laughter and fox Business News neil cavuto has a warning about the hidden danger of paying people for their work. Businesses and republicans say its overkill. Does he risk rewarding those who dont even deserve those bucks . Stephen yes, you start paying people who dont deserve it, and before you know it, youve hired neil cavuto. laughter cheers and applause speaking of fox news, folks, i want to take a moment priet now to give a shout out to the winner of the auction for bill oreillys microwave. All the money from the auction benefits the Yellow Ribbon fund, which helps injured Service Members and their families. The winning bid of 5,400 came from patriot kev. Now, kev kevin mcnamara. This is the actual microwave i stole from bill oreilly almost eight years ago. So, congratulations. You are not onlyab auction winner. You are also an accessory to a crime. cheers and applause . And dont you think i will rat you out . A heartbeat to avoid the slammer. I cannot go back. cheers and applause . Cifn, your new microwave is signed by me and retired fourstar general stanley mcchrystal, an American Hero who i chose specifically because he happened to be in my studio that kay. But its also been autographed by someone with the initials g. E. Not sure who that is. Lets say gloria estefan. Oh, that microwave burrito is gonna get ya. While im at it, id also like to thank the good people at pilot pens who gave to the Yellow Ribbon fund a 5,000 check in exchange for the pilot pen i happened to be holding the night i auctioned off the microwave. And here is, in fact, that exact pilot pen, the historic pen which we definitely did not lose and which this definitely is. Thank you, kevin. Thank you, pilot. 10,400 going to the Yellow Ribbon fund. Well be right back. cheers and applause why get delivery, when you can have digiorno . Delivery or digiorno. Delivery or digiorno. Digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce, made with vine ripened tomatoes and more herbs spices. Digiornos rising crust pizza comes fresh from your oven and is now better than ever thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. Nestle. Good food, good life. [ male announcer ] a car that is able to see, to calculate, to think and can respond to what it encounters. Even if that means completely stopping itself. Its the stuff of science fiction. Minus the fiction. The 2014 eclass. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. [ mom ] when were having this much fun, why quit . And new bounty has no quit in it either. Watch how one sheet of new bounty keeps working, while their two sheets just quit. New bounty. The noquit pickerupper. The juicy dragon. They show funny videos to a giggly dragon. He laughs so hard that he cries superjuicy tears and they put em into starburst. A juicy dragon . [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is an emmyaward winning story with a new documentary the story of the jews. Please welcome simon schama. cheers and applause simon, good to see you again. Nice to have you back. This is your third time here. Third times a charm. It is. You keep asking me back. Stephen the first two times were pretty charming already, so no pressure. For those of you who may not know, youre a professor of art history and history at Columbia University here in new york. Youve written and presented 40 documents for the bbc, pbs, for the history channel, including the Emmy Awardwinning the power of art. Yeah. Stephen now, youve got a twobook, fivepart documentary series called the story of the jews, which premieres 8 00 p. M. On tuesday, march 25. The book drops and april the first. Stephen april the first . Another three hours of jews. Stephen wow. Yes. applause . Stephen tonight three hours of jews. It gets even better or worse. You have do a jewathon. A marathon on april, five hours thats too many jews even for me. Stephen wow. The book is called the story of the jews, finding the words, 1,000 b to 1492. What happens in 1,000 bc, and what happens in 1492. Was columbus jewish . Its been rumored he was. A lot of those were called new christians. Stephen oh, okay. The converts, actually. Stephen is that what i should call jews . Ill keep that in mind. Youre a good catholic boy. Stephen i am. A new christian. She had a serpent on a bagel in her background. Stephen simon, do you have bag nel your background . I do. So youre jewish . I am. Stephen are you an observant jew . Dwi to synagogue stephen that first sound was yiddish. Yes, it was. It was shiftish. Exactly. I go to synagogue to confess my sins of which there are money on yom kippur. Would you like to come. Absolutely. Youre on. Stephen so what happens in 1,000 b. C. King david, basically. And its 1,000 because actually we know that there is some archaeology, actually, that now suggests there really were fortresses. Were discovering early hebrew writings. Its very exciting actually. Stephen one of the most surprising things, i understand early arc logical evidence shows there was a certain amount of paganism involved in jewish liveez. Yes. Stephen how . Isnt the whole thing that theyre monotheist and invented that. Yes, thats absolutely true. God is suppose to be formss, faceless, invisible. Hes number one. Thou shall have no other god before me. Meaning theres a lined queuing up, actually. Stephen it wasnt that there werent other jobs. Its im your steady. Exactly. Im your steady and im actually seriously number one and and i can make the others ones go away if i want to. Its only with palestine, the holy land, israel is full of these little fig reeps, some of whom represented the wife of god ashara. What happened to her . She was written out. Stephen did the rabbi get a divorce. The figurines have you ever seen them. Stephen no. They were cute. They were goddesses of a heart, and they always are well endowed, and theyre holding their endowments. There are thousands of these stephen really, so there are ladies there youre doing it exactly right. Stephen versus doing it for themselves . Exactly. Stephen wow. So the rabbis were uneasy with that. Dd cup, double d cup its absolutely true. Stephen what i know they started monotheism and wrote the bible and all that good stuff. What have they done for me lately . And i dont mean i dont mean just my writers. Jerry seinfeld. Stephen okay, but thats after 1492. What are greatest cheers and applause is jaw diism is it a religion or is it a culture. If its just a culture, i want to deny my writers the ability to take off their crazy holidays. Im sorry, to get back to the question i interrupted you from answering, is judaism jews communicate by agreed mutual interruption. So now, youre even more jewish than you you think you are. Stephen really . By the fact that its over. Youll be circumsides stephen exactly. Maybe so, maybe so. Exactly. Stephen is it a curlt or a religion . It starts with religion. It has to start with religion, but religion is kind of inelastic. Who draws the precise rules. I once gave a lecture wish youve been there or lowkus kosher. Stephen are they . If you read leviticus, they are considered crunchy birds. So the rules of the religion are kind of squishy and, you know, move around a bit. Stephen are you implying there might be parts of the bible that are contradictory . applause . Does that make you happy . Stephen is there another book coming after 1492 . There is, there is, volume 2. Stephen what happens after 1492 . It finishes with our conversation this evening. Stephen really simon, sounds like a hit. Simon schama, the strp of the jews, the book, pbs, well be jews, the book, pbs, well be transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. Before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an underserved season. And before he quit his friends leafraking business for not offering a 401k. Larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement. Thats why when the time came he counted on merrill edge to streamline his investing and help him plan for the road ahead. Thats the power of streamlined connections. Thats merrill edge and bank of america. What is focus . Its a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness. Its owning your opponent. Its knowing beyond a doubt you got this. Its keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park. Its getting in the zone. Its keeping on your toes. On target. On top. Focus is staring the world in the face and saying bring it. Focus is power. Focus is life. And 5hour energy is focus. Can read 10 million in 15 financial reports. N so planners can recommend better investments. Soon, watson will help improve financial planning. Lets build a smarter planet. Ibmvestas can analyzeds of ene13 years of climate dataer. To know a wind turbine here will perform better than one just a few feet away. I just ah woke up today and i said i need something sportier. Annnd done. Ok maxwell, just need to ah contact your Insurance Company with the vin number. Oh, i just did it. With my geico app. Vin is up to the loaded. Ok well then jerry here will take you through all of the features then. Why dont weeeeeeeeeeee go out to the car. Ok, ill just be outside. Ok, yeah. His dad is my boss. Yeah. Vin scanning to add a car. Just a tap away on the geico app. cheers . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Well see you in a week. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org doorbell rings what . Hey, mrs. Reynolds. What do you want . Uh, frank sent me over to pick up his toupee. His toupee . Yup. What does he need his toupee for . I think he has a date or something. Frank has a date . Yeah, i guess. Well, he cant have it, its mine. You own his hair . All right, fine. Its in a box in the hallway. I was going to throw it away, anyway. So, im really sorry about this, i know its probably a tough time for you. Divorce is a. Tricky thing. Oh i found it