Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140422

Identifiable food . Gross. This is the colbert report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central welcome to the report, everybody, good to you have with us. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen. Thank you, ladies and yes. Thank you so much, nation. cheers and applause nation, i hope that anybody watching out there that if you know me at all you know that i am a huge supporter of the war on terror. It is a much better battle against an abstract concept than our war on appate. laughter frankly, i just couldnt see the point of that one. Well, last week, folks, we got the bombshell news on the people were shelling with bombs. Jim . U. S. Intelligence analysts are examining a video that appears to show the largest al qaeda gathering in years. The recording recently appeared on jihadist web sites, the men are meeting in a rugged mountainous area. This video is part al qaeda pep rally and part propaganda. Stephen and this pep rally propaganda or prepaganda has been a huge viral success, especially with those jihaddists who have been waiting years for the sequel to their first hit, monkey bars but this weekend the video got one resounding down vote. The large attack under way against an al qaeda affiliate in yemen just days after cnn first aired this video showing the group and its Leadership Meeting up in the open for everyone to see. Yemeni officials are calling the operation unprecedented killing at least 65 militants. Stephen folks, let this be a lesson to everybody out there. Terrorists, but also teen, be careful what you post on social media, okay . Remember, it seems innocent enough but it will be out there for the rest of your life, which for these guys was about five days. laughter if you really must upload your embarrassing party than will you make sure geo tagging is off. Then postit where you are sure no one will see it. Like google plus. laughter now nation i dont mean sound advice. That is stephens sound advice. Nation, i dont mean to alarm you but Hillary Clinton continue its to exist. laughter she is the biggest threat to republicans in 2016 other than republicans in 2014. laughter and she has just become more threatening. We have been anticipating an announcement about Hillary Clintons future. And today we got one. Shes going to be a grandmother. Stephen now obviously news of a grandchild is a joyous occasion. Sow i just want to take a moment right now to put toll particular politic as side and offer the Clinton Family a heartfelt congratulations for such a shrewd political move. laughter right . Right, fox news . I think a lot of this maybe this was planned. Stephen yes. Maybe this was planned. And we all know only the most devious people would ever plan a pregnancy. laughter clear, clearly, folks, Hillary Clinton has engineered the birth of her first grandchild in a craven political ploy to seem endearing. I mean not even barack obama ever stooped to becoming a grandmother. laughter its o obvious that she clearly sat down with her daughter and time up chelsea oflation cycle with the political calendar. There is no other motivation for a couple in their 60s to want their daughter to give them a grandchild. laughter but some nana naysayers say nay ney ney. Dont you think that they are entitled to try to very a baby whenever they want. And by the way, if it was going to be planned t would be planned for next year when the campaign might actually be under way. Stephen good point, howie. If it was planned, the child would be born around the iowa caucuses. I mean what a waste of a perfectly good pregnancy. So thats not the only big news to come out of hillarys still mulling over whether this is the campaign. Last week she was viciously attacked. Between secretary of state and the possible run for president , Hillary Clinton found herself under fire as the keynote speaker at the Las Vegas Convention of the scrap recycling industry. Its already recycling. A woman in the audience threw a shoe as clinton was speaking speaking yesterday. Fortunately her aim wasnt very good. What was that, a bat. Was that a bat . Is that somebody throwing something at me . Is that part of Cirque Du Soleil . laughter stephen no, no secretary clinton f it was part of Cirque Du Soleil the shoe would have performed a twohour dream opera. And then charged you 200 a ticket. laughter now folks, i do not trust Hillary Clinton. And theres a ton of persons who agree with me. We had a call yesterday and basically this womans theory is that mrs. Clinton staged the whole incident where somebody threw a shoe at her. The clinton will wellknown for staging things. Do the clinton stage things . Heck yes, they stage things. Therefore s it outrageous that somebody would call here and think maybe hillary staged the shoe throwing no, it isnt outrageous. Stephen of course it could have been staged. I mean think about it, she was standing on a stage. laughter folks, theres a conspiracy of foot afoot. Which can only be fully addressed in my long running segment, Stephen Colberts [bleep] serious. Hear me out. Stephen where i explore conspiracy theories and pose the hard questions like in nine years why have i only done this segment once before . laughter what do they not want you to know . And if im in charge of my show, are they me . laughter now we may know the footwear but were still trying to figure out the footwhy. Rush . I dont know why anybody would be throwing a shoe at hillary unless, and maybe its an attempt to make the benghazi people look like nuts and lunatics and wackos even if it had anything to do with that which i dont know. Stephen yes, yes. Yes. applause cheers and applause stephen yes, its all part of hillarys plan to make the benghazi people look like wackos even if it even had anything to do with that which rush and i dont know because if it didnt then we look like wackos for bringing up benghazi now for no reason. Oh, youre good and folks, there are other applause there are other laughter she clearly planned it. No, no, weve got to go. Folks there are other brave shoe truthers or shouther like Hermann Caine who tweeted for the clin enand to the web site where a blogger put she doesnt put her hands up to protect herself and doesnt duck out of the way until the shoe already passed her and if there is one thing he knows is what to do when someone throws a shoe at you. Oh shucky ducky. Stephen yes, but hillary, hillary, hillary did not shucky duck fast enough. And anyone, anyone who has thrown a shoe at a 66yearold woman knows they react with cobra speed. laughter applause hillary, hillarys motivation i think you might be seeing more of this photo in the future. Yes, im a psychic. Hillarys motivation for staging this shoespiracy are obvious as a post on fox newss Bernie Goldbergs blog suggests, remembering the bush incident, she may have calculated this would make her seem president ial. Yes yes, she has stolen president bushs most president ial moment, the only way, only way Hillary Clinton could seem more like a leader is if she choked on a pretzel while falling off a segue. I mean think about it. cheers and applause think about it either this incident was one tiny machination in the vast master plan meticulously orchestrated by the clinton core, or some crazy lady threw a shoe at her. Ask yourself this. Which one of those two possibilities lets me talk about it for six minutes . laughter now continue to think about it, hillary is so devious it is possible even losing the 2000 primary was part of her scheme. That way she doesnt become president in 2008, she cant get reelected in 2012, steering a path for a shoe to be thrown at her the very same week we learn chelsea is pregnant. cheers and applause i mean its like were playing checkers and shes not so were playing her side too and shes still beating us. laughter well, thats it for this edition of Stephen Colberts [bleep] they arists unless are you listening to this from your fillings, in which case, ill be with all night long. Well be right back this is smith forge hard cider. Its like cecil here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Made strong. A professional basketball players best friend . Basketball players ride the team bus. But this guy . Carte blanche to a variety of late model sports vehicles and there is no end to the financial spoils that come from both friendship and Eastern European verticality. Hifi entertainment systems, stemware, and purebred animals. All the benefits of fortune none of the nagging ramifications of fame. Meaning he can dine on the liquid gold of velveeta shells cheese at any time of his choosing. Liquid gold. Eat like that guy you know. Its about capturing the moment. Its holding your breath. [ elephants grunting ]. Until something takes it out of you. Its performance without hesitation. Which is exactly what you get. [ camera shutter clicks ]. With a tablet powered by intel. With a tablet powered by intel. I would share a shawarma with me. E. Id snuggle up with me. Have a wine with me. Whew. Id [buzz] me. Shave. Style. Groom. Innovation and you. Philips norelco. Welcome back, folks. Folks, thank you so much. Folks, i hope you checked your calendar you will know that yesterday was easter. So i just want to wish everybody a happy easter. But not for yesterday, for next season, okay. Let me get things out early. While im at it happy labor day, now get back to work, peoplement but sadly recent pew research from the Pew Research Center found that the percentage of americans who say the seldom or never attend religious services has risen. People arent going to church. Evidently, somebody blabbed about the god is everywhere loophole. Thankfully, this year some churches began spending money on giveaways and prizes in hopes of boosting atendance on easter sunday. Alas, prizes. I mean what else were they going to lure people in w the promise of unconditional love and eternal salvation. They gave that out last year. Now folks, falling attendance is worse among men, christianity has become unmanly. A lot of priests dont even have girlfriends. Which is why i was happy to hear that some churches have found a way to put the dude back in deuteronomy, according to the new york times, a small but growing number of evangelical churches have embraced mixed martial arts to convert young men. That makes sense. Its like jesus said f anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other check then keep turning until you deliver a round house kicking his jaw. Yah cheers and applause yah all this hardcore mma Church Action is in a new documentary called fight church. As christians, there are times where you take shots. Thats where the bible gives you your training. I dont look like the typical pastor and thats okay within a couple of god fearing men punching each other in the face. Ladies and gentlemen, this is pastor versus pastor. You got to learn to put your foot on his neck. Somebody shout jesus. Stephen yes, somebody shout jesus but probably not the guy with the foot on his neck. laughter all this time all this time weve been turning to jesus for answers to our deepest questions. But we missed the most central question of all. Can you love your neighbor as yourself and then at the same time knee him in the face . laughter stephen yes, you can. Especially if he keeps raking his leaves into your yard. This is the last warning, allen and rest assured, folks, all this face kneeing is based on scripture. There is a verse in the bibele that says be wary when all men speak well of you. If Everybody Loves you, you are doing something wrong. Stephen and nothing makes you not be loved by someone quite like shattering his clavicle. Which means you got to be doing something right. But at the end of the day fight church is about spreading the word. This is a battlefield. We need to charge him, not wait for them to come to us. At the end of the day its about reaching people with the gospel regardless of what you do to introduce them to relationship with jesus christ. Stephen yes, its a relationship with jesus christ. Its like a blind date during which you may be blinded. laughter but i say we can take hand to hand holy war even further. I mean if watching two christians attack each other is fun wa, about a christian and a lion . laughter with action like that i bet you could fill up a stadium. Well be right back. cheers and applause [ male announcer ] you know that guy that is a professional basketball players best friend . Basketball players ride the team bus. But this guy . Carte blanche to a variety of late model sports vehicles and there is no end to the financial spoils that come from both friendship and Eastern European verticality. Hifi entertainment systems, stemware, and purebred animals. All the benefits of fortune none of the nagging ramifications of fame. Meaning he can dine on the liquid gold of velveeta shells cheese at any time of his choosing. Liquid gold. Eat like that guy you know. The more people we have, the more we save. He already owes me money for like 4 pizzas. We all get separate bills. Besides, if you dont like gordon why did you invite him this weekend . I didnt invite him. He just, like, shows up its pronounced gordon. [ dad ] hey lets go those tacos arent going to eat themselves over there. Tacos [ dad ] you look great, by the way. [ male announcer ] start a sprint framily and everyone gets separate bills. The bills are separate . [ male announcer ] and now get the Samsung Galaxy s5 for 0 down and a free galaxy tab 3. Happy connecting from sprint. Welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a documentary filmmaker. I dont know, it didnt end well for the first guy who memorized it. Please welcome ken burns. cheers and applause hey, how are you. Welcome back. Thank you. Okay, Everybody Knows ken burns, civil war, baseball, you got how many, you got two gram eyes, three peabodys, most impressively this is your sixth trip back to my show. Exactly. Stephen what keeps the ken burns motor running . Im working seven projects at once skz youre kidding. No, seven. Stephen you have a problem. I do. Stephen youre addict food history. I am addicted to history and i would be pregnant if i were a woman because i cant say no to a project. Stephen wow thats bold. Okay. Your new project is called the address, film by ken burns. It just premiered april 15th. It is also available on dvd from the good people at pbs. Now the address, the gettysburg address. Exactly. Stephen whats the big deal about the gettysburg address, you know t gets a lot of press, a lot of press because it is short, you know t is easy to get through. Its lincoln. Stephen but is it really that good . Or how much of it is hype . No hype, its really that good. Stephen its only 272 words. If it was good, im going to keep talking f it was good, wouldnt there be more of it . No, thats the beauty. Pure president ial poetry, hes doubling down on the declaration of independence. Because Thomas Jefferson said all men are created equal but he owned other human beings. Lincoln freed those human beings and set in motion a kind of 2. 0 version which the gettysburg address is we havent replaced it. And in 272 words, in 10 sentence, the first one four score and seven years is where weve been, now we are engaged in a great civil war is where we are, and the rest are about pulling us into a future that we have become. He asked us to be a different kind of people to have a new verse of freedom. And this film is about a small school in vermont where the kids suffer from dix lexia, adhd, a whole host of learning differences that makes their passage through school very challenging. But each year the school for the 35 years it has been in existence has challenged the kids to first mem orize it and then publicly recite the gettysburg address. Stephen and they compete against each other to be the one without gets to do this. No, no, they all do it they all mem orize it, and they have all. Stephen but does somebody win, isnt there a winner, is there a winner . Because it sounds like youre having child fights against each other. Just 50 children. Exactly, no, no, there is a middle school and a high school, first, second and third. But theyre all winners because they overcome this, look, we dont do any mem orization in school any more. We used to mem orize a lot of stuff. I didnt do it before. We actually have a clip of the film. Lets take a look. We have divided the gettysburg into five paragraphs for learning. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation with liberty and dedicated to the that all men are created equal. Did you that very well. You can tell them what was going on in paragraph 1, about four score. How america about what is happening. Our father. On this to the proposition. That all are equal. Stephen if lincoln had lost the war would we be mem orizing this . Thats so interesting. Stephen of course, i asked it . laughter selby foot in the civil war said as a mississippian that even though he, his people had lost the civil war, he was asked to mem orize it because it was such an extraordinary piece of diction such an extraordinary piece of rhetoric that it sort of would be remembered regardless. So i had never thought about it the other way. Stephen you started another project, what is it called, learn the address. Yes. Stephen you were trying to get everybody in america to learn this address. Yes, we were challenging everybody. If you go to learn the address. Org you have all the living president s, notable people, stephen colbert, lots of. Stephen how did you get him . laughter it was really tough. It was tough but de it. Stephen but why this address . I mean there are some great president ial speeches out there. Why not William Henry harrisons 400 words president ial inaugural address that was so powerful that it killed him. That he died stephen one month later. I mean that is a speech to mem orize. applause maybe the next film. Maybe, the presidency of William Henry harrison. Stephen that would be a very short documentary. Its a station break on pbs. Then i cant do it. Stephen ken burns, the stephen ken burns, the res, well be right back. Double down iand bread is dead. 2 pieces of chicken. Dos. 2 slices of bacon. You know what it doesnt have. Bread. And its delicious. [crunch] [sigh] you know this is just a limited time thing, right . What . I live in a luxury penthouse overlooking central park. When the guests arrive, theyre greeted by my butler, larry. My helipad is being resurfaced so tonight we travel by more humble means. At my country club, we play parlor games with members of the royal family. Yes i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. Its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. Stuck in a contract . The 2014 4runner. Switch to tmobile well pay your early termination fees. So you can get the new galaxy s5 for 0 down right now. Land speed record nine times. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Stephen thats it for the reports captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org it is 11 59 and 59 seconds, this happened on youtube today