Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140502

Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephens stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen . cheers and applause stephen thank you, folks, thank you so much. That feels fantastic. I mean after after a greeting like that, after a greeting like that i cant reasonably ask for more. But i do. cheers and applause stephen folks thank you. Folks, you watch this show. You know, i have made no secret over the years that i am a huge fan of bill o rielle. He is my mentor, my inspiration, my i have read all of his books, killing kennedy, killing kennedy, killing jesus. He is a literary master of the nonsurprise ending. And papa bear is one of the smartest guys out there. But he doesnt have to move other people are dumb, because he hires somebody else to do that. Correspondent josse watters was does a rekouring segment watters world named of course after water world, wchb the most successful and critically acclaimed films of all time. In the segment, watt watters demonstrates how little young people know about Current Events and to emphasize that he adds helpful film clips, here is a stake. Miley cyrus gave a concert in rutherford, new jersey. So we sent over there armed with four pick tuesday of famous people. Heres what happened. Im going to hold up some photographs. Of famous people. Do you know who this is . Albert einstein, he has very long hair. Thank you. Who is that guy. Oh my god, hes on a late night show, isnt he. Al gore. The one and only. Hello. Last one, this is the easy one. Okay, katy perry. Catty perry. You cant make this stuff up, folks. At least not without an editing team. And its not just blowing the lid off young people who know who katy perry is gait, hes done many expose on kids nowadays. We sent watters up to the very liberal Columbia University here in new york city. To ask them about putin invading ukraine. Vladimir putin just invaded ukraine. Are you outraged by that . I just woke up. S what amatter with you. I dont give such a genius. What is the Unemployment Rate at right now . Whats the mat per, cat got your tongue. Do you know what the Unemployment Rate is right know. Oh, 99 . Stephen now notice how watters blends Investigative Journalism and smash cuts in a way that makes you think about the news and also think did my cat stepping on the remote . Nation, i have to admit something. Here, here on the report every night nailing politicians and pundits, sometimes i worry that i have lost touch with every day folks. But watters world has shown me i can feel superior to average americans as well. Of course i cant go interview people myself because i have a medical condition where i dont want to. But i do have one employee who is perfect for the job. My building manager. Hes got all the qualifications that Jesse Watters does. He reflects light. laughter and thats about it. So i also applause i also sent tad up to liberal Columbia University to see just how misinformed todays youth are in the first installment of my lon longrunning series, tads turf. I went up to columbia to enroll those ivy leaguers in the university of tad. This is tad, and youre on tads turf. Great. How long you have been going to school here. Four years. Check out the big brain. Are you a student here. Yes, i am. What dow study. I study history. Let me show you a picture and i want you to tell me who is is, okay . Joe biden. Joe biden . Vice president. Youre like a deckive or something. The vice president. Who is this. John kerry. That is john kerry. Whats happening. Supreme court. Is this alaina cagan. If you didnt recognize this who would you say it is. I do recognize him. Is his name on here . Clearly somebody had warned these people i was coming. But i had a few more tricks up my turf. Okay so, who is this . Thats joe biden. How would you answer this question if you had a catastrophic brain injury. Not so smart now are you. How am i supposed to know who it is if you frankly my dear i dont gave a damn. What number am i thinking of . 13. Damn it. Im scared as hell and im to the going to take this any more. Supreme Court Justice kagan. Shes right. That was now what the [bleep] are we supposed to do. Good question, there had to be a way to make young people seem stupid, i just had to find the right young people. Do you know who that is . Nope. Do you know who that is . Who is this . Im not a smart man. You can name three branches of government . Okay. Doggie. Doggie. Cow. Cow. Horsey. What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things i have ever heard. Just so we understand you, you havent gotten one answer correct. Youre dumber than ray bag of hammers. Are you worried about the future of this country . Yeah. How come. Because i love it. Well, young people sure have a funny way of showing it. And thats the view from tads turf. cheers and applause stephen tads surf, everybody. Great job, tad. Great job. I got to tell you, until i saw the tape, until i saw the tape i wouldnt believe what a bunch of idiots those kids were. Thanks, stephen. Yeah, pretty stupid. Stephen no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. This is a good feeling. Oh it. I cant believe those young people are the future. And we are the past. laughter laughter stephen im so lonely. So am i. So am i. Stephen well be rightonono, and i stop things. grunting people. bellows problems. Anything that moves. Just like duralast brakes. They stop anything. screeching and if you use anything else. You should stop. Duralast. Proven tough. Get in the zone. Autozone. What is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together reliably fast internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future we must have encountered a temporal vortex. Further analytics are necessary. Beam us up. Thats my phone. Hey. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system. Only from xfinity. Tv and internet together like never before. Stephen thanks some of. Welcome back, everybody. Hold on one second, i will be right with you in just a minute. Ive got to check folks, sorry, im just check on the latest update from the cnn on the search for Malaysian Airlines flight 370. They are anticipating the release of a longawaited malaysian government report on the disappearance right now, it should be coming in any moment. Let me just check every possible source for that story. No, okay. Until then im constantly refreshing my email and im toggling my iphone in and out of Airplane Mode and of course im staying glued to the cnn. Well give you the latest. The late cess we keep checking our phones and refreshing our email inboxes to see when this report is coming in. Were told this report will come to us via email sometime around this time. It will be coming in via email. Weve been constantly checking our in boxes, literally we are clicking refresh several times a minute. Were waiting and anticipating this report as weve been reporting, the malaysian authorities report is expected any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Live there in kuala lumpur watching his email as we are here. We have to wait to get the details but there are some things that we can expect to see. You want the real basics. You want the who the when and the where. Stephen okay, okay, let me make a note, let me make a note of that. Okay, okay, okay. I want to thank you for those words, okay, that you said. All right. You know, folks applause i got to say that cnns Richard Quest is perfect newsman for this tragedy because his accent makes any report speak experience. Specifically the tragedy of macbeth because its a tale told by an idiot signifying nothing. Yet, but lets refresh our emails and and nothing, okay. So lets check in on another source, the magic eight ball, okay there is definitely something floating ining there, could be the debris. Lets check. And, and, and okay, ask again later. We will check in with the eight ball later. In the meantime for a different perspective, lets sacrifice tonight a news chicken, okay. All right . All right . And and then i will read its entrails. Hear me, hear me oh primordial nethergods. Oh, oh, oh hold on, hold on. The report the report just is coming in. Hold on. What do we have here. Okay. Its going to be a hot summer there will be a blood rain and oh my god, the lambs will be stillborn. Unfortunately nothing hear about the plane. Oh wait, wait that sound means cnn has finally received the malaysian report, yes, yes, jimmy lets go live. This is the moment weve been waiting for. The malaysian authorities have released their first report on what has happened. Lets get live right away to kuala lumpur. Will riply is there with the news, what do we know, will work do you see . This is the report i have in my hand. We just printed it out and i have to say as im scanning through it be, as we have been saying, there really are no big surprises here. laughter stephen no, no big surprise there. We should probably leave this story now but we cant because were still waiting for one more report from our correspondent mr. Godot who has promised will have some actual news o on mr. Colbert off we go again. Do you have a message were mr. Godot. Yes. Stephen he wont be reporting this evening. No, sir. Stephen but hell report tomorrow. Yes. Stephen without fail. Yes laughter cheers and applause Stephen Christ have mercy on us. I cant take this any more. Shall we go to another story . Yes. laughter stra. Ccia. Tel. La. Li. Mon. Cel. Lo. Cap. Pu. Ccin. O. Haagen dazs gelato. Even the names taste good. Lets see what you got . Rv covered. Why would you pay for a hotel . I never do. Motorcycles check. Atv. I ride those. Do you . No. Boat. Ahoy, mateys. House. Hello, dear. Hello. Hello. Van with airbrushed firebreathing dragons. Ah check. Thank you. The more you bundle, the more you save. Now, thats progressive. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight, please well came welcome saul williams. cheers and applause saul, thank you for coming on, thanks so much for being here. Hello. Stephen youre an awardwinning author, actor, musician. One of the best selling poets alive. What does that feel like . Because we hold poetry up here in. We dont read a lot of it but we say it fancy. And youre one of the best sell pog et as live. You have class coming out your ass. Yeah, yeah, so i mean i really value the 3. 68 that i verned. Stephen thats maya angelou money, my friend. Exactly. I got that maya money. Stephen thats incredible. Now you also are starring, you are an acker and you are starring in a new musical coming to broadway called holler if you hear me. Stephen yes. And this is not based on the life of but its his music. The story is now. Stephen how did you get this part and was it hard to beat out hologram tupac . No. Stephen how does tupac translate to broadway because were used to someone to watch over me, you know. In fact turks pac spoke beautifully on stachbling i think peoples mines will be blown. I dont think theyre actually prepared. This is the first hiphop musical to ever hit broadway and i dont know if people will feel the before they get a chance to see it, understand that in fact i feel like tupacs music was made for this. Was made for this. Stephen you started off as a slam poet. You were one of the fathers of slam poetry . Well, i started off in open mike. A slam a poetry slam say competitive poetry reading. Stephen oh, i like that. Okay. Stephen because i like everything to be a contest. Somebody has got to win everything. Im going use my hands more than you right now. Stephen really. Exactly. Stephen good luck with that. Good lucky, buddy, all right, all right. All right, so how do you win a poeting, how do you win one. A poeting. Basically three minutes. Its so there there is really no such thing as a slam poem. It is just a poem and it has to fit within the 3 minute guideline. Stephen does it have to rhyme and have meter. It does not have to rhyme nor have meter. Stephen does it have to have rhythm. No, you could do it. Stephen i get a lot done without rhythm. Well, you may be a poet of the street of hiphop, of the slam, are there classical poets that you admire, like dow like to gates, cumming cans, like that. To be fair. Stephen i dont know what that means. It means im not really of the street. Stephen youre not. Although i newberg new york and the whole nine, i was a university, i went to graduate school. I know, i know. Stephen im not a racist. I would never say that. Stephen i would i would never say that mr. Sterling. Stephen what . Hey, my friend. This week so far i have had two africanamerican guests and a latino guests, have i done more to end racism than barack obama . laughter well be right back with a performance by saul a performance by saul williams. Mma champ chuck liddel, and i stop things. grunting people. bellows problems. Anything that moves. Just like duralast brakes. They stop anything. screeching and if you use anything else. You should stop. Duralast. Proven tough. Get in the zone. Autozone. What is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together reliably fast internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future we must have encountered a temporal vortex. Further analytics are necessary. Beam us up. Thats my phone. Hey. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system. Only from xfinity. Tv and internet together like never before. Stephen and now one of the stars of holler if you hear me, hear to perform a poem from the dead emcee scroll, ladies and gentlemen, saul williams. applause i stand on the corner of the block swinging amateur blocks, drinking 40s mother earth effecters. 666, that purple rain. That drives membranes and say im in the fast lane, snorting candy grams that free my body and soul and send me like shaz am, never question who i am. God knows and i know god personally. In fact he lets me call him me. One with rain and stars with dancing feet and bring the sun shin and the moon and the wind blows my pool. Selling kilos of stag, taking drags off corn bread. Saxophones and fruits like mad, the high notes make me i am rings that circle saturn, leading stains in my veins and astrological patterns. Im serious. Going lovely but it is also part of me. Trying to imprison my ecology, put my stars behind bars, my stars and stripes using blood splattered banners as kites but i control the wind, that is why they call it the hawkeye, southern of isis. Son of osiries jesus, resurrected resurrected like lazarusment i would rather sit and build. Cash, green crops, evolution starts as the evolution of your technology. A society of auction tellers and money machines, my culture is lima beans and tamm bore evens, dreams manifest dreams real, not consistent with rationale. I dance for no reason, for reason you cant dance. Called it the activist, circumstances you cant learn my steps, until you unlearn your thoughts. Leaves to you trying to figure me out, your intellect take your flag pole stars and stripes, imprisoned by your concept of right, selfdetermined calling me out, the star sprang eled forbidding you to be real and heel. You cant find truth in the White House House on the hill, fans made of steal, stealing us is the smartest thing you dover did. My influence when you look into a mirror and talk about your culture, your exist sense that of a schizophrenic vulture who thinks you have right to pray on the dead not realizing the dead aint dead, he aint got enough to know how to pray, its no repentance. Are you about to live in infinite life sentence so while you are serving time or being sinked with the moon you run from the sun, life of the womb respected by guns. And the sun and i am public enemy number one, one, one, one, one, one, one. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Stephen saul williams. Comedy central presents. Jack whitehall [audience cheering] evening new york city so