Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140531

Stephen stephen, stephen, stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my gosh cheers and applause i got to tell you, folks, i got to tell you, folks, with that kind of reception, with that kind of energy w that kind of love i can do this twice a night nation, as you know im a political junkie and tonight im riding high because i have been snorting pure, uncut bunting. You see in his primary season which thanks to Global Warming will soon be our last remaining seasonment and yesterday Republican Voters went to the polls in six states to choose which candidates use outside money to air the most commercials. Unfortunately, the media is a bunch of tea party poopers. Breaking news overnight. A big victory for the gop taking down Tea Party Challengers across the country. The tea party is beaten back. Tea party shutout last night. Voters have said no to Tea Party Challengers almost across the board. Yes. Choosing instead to go with the tried, the tested, the establishment. Taking incumbents over upstarts. So is the tea party over . No, the tea party is not over any more than the donor party is over. laughter how are they doing, by the way. They didnt bring a lot of food up there. Im worried about those guys. An if you need more proof that the tea party spirit of antigovernment Liberty Freedom is alive and well in the republican party, look no further than Mitch Mcconnells Victory Party last night. No, jimmy, later on, during his speech. For five and a half years the powers that be in washington have treated the people of this state with contempt. And tonight i have a simple message for all of them. Those days are numbered. Stephen yeah, oh youre going get it, washington powers that be. I feel sorry for whatever jerk has represented kentucky for these past 30 years. If Mitch Mcconnell catches sight of that guy in say a mirror its on. But of course the biggest primary was in the great state of idaho. Also known as the pillow montana uses to practice kissing. laughter see that up there. applause the gubernatorial republican nomination was seen as a contest between incumbent governor and wind in the will owes character butch otter and his conservative opponent russ fullcher who is running to the right so maybe badger. So last thursdays primary debate was dominated by two other candidates, harley brown, former Commanding Officer of Naval Construction services and mr. Walt bayes, a great grandfather and high school graduate. Now that is what you call a big ten. Because im pretty sure walt bayes lives in the tent made from the skin of a bar he fought for a gold nugget. And folks, even an otter head like me was charmed when he saw Harley Browns opening remark explaining why he is running. I was at the low point of my life. Things wered ba. The god how about putting me back on active duty and making me a battalion commander. He says no, son, i got a hiring for you, i will make you the commander in chief. And i staggered not on his promise am i will get into that more with you. Dont think im crazy kuz im not. laughter folks, when it comes to reassuring opening statements, that is right up there with i know we just met but i done have a human head in my freezer. All right. Right off the bat i was sold. Harley browns with my guy am but then we heard from walt bayes coming at you hot and hard like a vingful backwood santa. Jim. Governor otter, about the emissions he tried to make me take an emissions test and i told him what to do it. And drove three years and my wife did without any. Nobody done anything. I stand on principleses. I went to jail for home schooling. I did kill a wolf while it was still on the endangered species. Stephen smart move, smart move, walt, open with your criminal history. Get it out there before the lane stream media hits you with all those gotcha questions about shooting wolves. Okay this round point bayes, especially after brown almost lost me when he came out as soft on gay marriage. I used to drive taxies in boise for 20 years at night. And i picked up my fair share of the gay community. And they have true love for one another. Im telling you, they love each other more than i love my motorcycle. laughter okay. Admittedly that pulls at the heart strings. But as a conservative i did not expect to hear pro gay sentiments from a burleigh man in a tinilet hat and vest. laughter but then harley won me back. The key is getting our land back from the feds. And heres my plan of attack. Buying those evil spirits that are behind the feds with the flood of jesus, the name of jesus, the power of the holy spirit, the power of agreement, the word of god. Take air superiority and then roll in with your tanks. Mr. Brown. Blitzkrieg. Mr. Brown, the question was about taxes. laughter stephen maybe, maybe so. And he was getting there before you so rudely interrupted him. Clearly his point was that if you use it to bind the evil spirits behind the feds the blood of christ should be tax deductible. Well, folks, before long and then after long, it was time for closing statements. Walt sticks the landing. Do you remember chernobyl . Where the russians had a little problem with their Atomic Energy . Chernobyl, when you translate that into english it comes out wormwood, wormwood is mentioned in the bible a whole lot and it is radiation. They gave those people that work there something called potassium potassium iodide and it floods up your thyroid gland so it wont take this radiation in. And another thing you want to know is our noring plants that is run by atomic, they can stand 1 15 of an earthquake like in japan and my bible says it will get worse and worse and worse. We better get at something, folks. All right. Stephen now that is a Campaign Slogan that americans can rally behind. Walt bayes, you remember chernobyl when you translate that it comes out wormwood which is mentioned in the bible a whole lot, potassium iodide we getter get us some 2014. Now folks applause but folks even walts message of hope pealed in comparison to the power of Harley Browns closer. After god told me was going make me president i went out and got the president ial seal tattooed right here on my shoulder. I was living in fat jacks cell ar because my exwife had given me trumped up restraining orders. I couldnt see my kids. It was a mess. And the wife said get this lunatic out of my cell ar. A cowboy, a curmudgeon, a biker or a normal guy. Take your pick. Thank you very much, were leaving it up to you. laughter stephen yeah who invited the normal guy. You got a cowboy, a curmudgeon and an old cat. They were one construction workary way from breaking into ymca. Well, folks, shockingly neither of these two won the primary last night. And neither did Tea Party Candidate russ fullcher. The nomination went to governor otter. But tea party folks, the fight is not over. We still have the general election. And after watching that debated it is clear to me that the candidate idaho needs is fat jacks old lady. laughter she fat jacks old lady applause has a message that resonates with america. Get this lunatic out of my cell ar. Cellar, that is the message that can defeat not just governor ot other but also idahos democratic nominee potato with a mustache. Well be right back. When Francois Thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac, with spring water and the best french wheat. Everyone here said. Non, non but little by little, the world got to love what he had made. Grey goose, francois . The extraordinary belongs to those who make it. Tmobile introduces 4g lte data for just 40 bucks a month. Unlimited talk and text. And no overages. Switch to tmobile and well even pay your early termination fees. Get it now at tmobile. [ female announcer ] is your morning trying to tell you something . Maybe we should have gotten him one . [ female announcer ] sweet, chilled, creamy mccafe iced coffee from mcdonalds. Wait thats the teleprompter guy. [ female announcer ] another reason to love mccafe. Oh no theyve put up a sign. Capital letters mean business. Or maybe thats natures way of weeding out the timid. Your fortune awaits. [ speaking russian ] i have no idea what youre saying, but count me in welcome back, everybody thank you so much. Nation, i have some bad news, we are on the brink of an epidemic it if you ares not watching this show right now it is probably because youre already dead. A dangerous new Infectious Disease is spreading across america, its called mers and its already infectioned our tv news. The mers virus that broke out in the middle east has now for the first time spread from one person to another in the united states. Apparently through a handshake. The symptoms include fever, cough and shortness of breath. A creeping, contagious and potentially deadly respiratory virus has reached the u. S. It stands for middle east respiratory syndrome it started in the saudi peninsula but has now spread around the globe. Thats right, middle east respiratory syndrome has infiltrated american lungs. Its microsharia. laughter our cells could be the sleeper cells. According to the cdc, symptoms of mers include fever, cough and shortness of breath but also warn that some people infectioned with mers show no symptoms at all. Showing no symptoms could be a symptom symptom. So if you are feeling great right now t may be too late. laughter of course the cdccd says theres no reason to panic because there have only been three known cases of mers in the united states. But look at the person to your left, then look at the person on your right. They are three people right there and within of them is you. And while science may not know how it spreads, they have pinpointed the origin of middle east respiratory disease. And on this one science sounds a little racist. Experts say it may originate with camels. About two years ago persons having close contact with camels either in carring for the camels or in particular consuming camel products begin to develop this infection. Saudi arabia warns those dealing with camels to take precautions. The ministry of agriculture urge people would come in contact with camels to exercise caution and follow preventive measures. Stephen theyre blaming camels. Now people are going to associate joe camel with respiratory disease. laughter and folks, i applause i am not the only one who is up set here. Camel owners all over the middle east are protesting this slur by flooding twitter with camelsmooching selfies like these. Not to mention all the disturbing photos like these of dry humping. But nation, im not taking that kind of risk. Im afraid i have to break up with my camel camie. Camie, come on out here. Its camie the colbert report camel, everybody. applause now camie and i, camie and i met at a party last year, i forget when t was sometime in very, very late october. It was the same night i met my good friend batmans and sexy pirate. But we have been insparable ever since. Isnt that right, camie. Yeah. Well, girl, girl, im afraid ive got some bad news. You might want to sit down. laughter camie, camie, im afraid this is the end. Not you, no, camie, its not you. Its me being deathly afraid of you. laughter but dont you give me that look. Dont you give me that look. You know the one thats always on your face because it never moves. Camie this is bound to happen. And plus its just costing me too much money anyway. I dont know why a camel needs to stay at the ritz carleton. In two different rooms. I got say for someone who has got a humpful of water you sure go through a lot of minibarbour bon. In fact, camie, im going to have to ask you for my credit card back. So i guess this is goodbye. But camie, before we go, maybe one last kiss. cheers and applause now go go before i change my mind. Camie, wait. Im going to need the other credit card. Now go on, get out of here. Well be right back. This is smith forge hard cider. Its like jacob here. Strong. Sturdy. [ shouts ] but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Come on, jacob built to refresh. Throw it to me smith forge hard cider. Made strong. Ohhh [ female announcer ] neutrogena® pore refining cleanser. Alphahydroxy and exfoliating beads work to clean and tighten pores so they can look half their size. Pores. Shrink em down to size [ female announcer ] pore refining cleanser. Neutrogena®. [ female announcer ] pore refining cleanser. Show em the curve. Its beautiful. Its more than that. Its perfect. Introducing curved Ultra High Definition Television from samsung. Hehome run . Re great. 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So our business can be on at ts network for 175 dollars a month . Yup. All five of you for 175. Our clients need a lot of attention. Theres unlimited talk and text. Were working deals all day. You get 10 gigabytes of data to share. What about expansion potential . Add a line anytime for 15 bucks a month. Low dues. Great terms. Lets close. Introducing at t mobile share value plans. With our bestever pricing for business. Welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight stars in the new movie xmen days of future past, as professor x. I will ask him the question why. Please welcome Patrick Stewart. Hey Patrick Stewart, thank you so much for coming on. Good to see you. Now patrick, obviously a ward winning actor over the years. Youve had the honor of play approximating Jean Luc Picard on star trek the next generation. Your latest is x men days of future past, opens this friday. The plot of the fill some you send a message to yourself back in time, correct . You sound puzzled. Well, thats a puzzling idea is that you send a message to yourself back in time. Yeah. Stephen if you Patrick Stewart could send a message back to younger Patrick Stewart, what would you warn Patrick Stewart about Patrick Stewarts future. Very, very simple. Stephen what. Because i have much fun when i was a kid. I was always responsible. I was made a prefect at school two years earl early. Did you go to hog warts . No, no. It is painful you should bring that up, you know. Because i mean ian mckelan and myself, wouldnt you think that we were shoeins for the harry potter movie . Stephen well, i got to say. Not one phone call. Stephen i got to say, i got to say, that would be a great thing for the next xmen if you get the dmen to go as harry potter and the lord of the rings, then you can represent every british acker who worked for the last 50 years. Did it hurt to not get a call for either one of those movies. It hurt. It still hurts. Stephen i mean why has such a debilitating speech impediment like that accent of yours and not have it pay off with a little bit of that harry potter coin. You have a problem with the way i speak . Stephen not at all. You were asking a question. Stephen about talking to your younger self. Yeah, yeah. It was i was telling you how responsible i was as a kismted i never had crazy teenage years. I would go back and i would say patrick, cheer the [bleep] up cheers and applause stephen now weve got a clip for the movie, yeah, yeah, we stole one. Oh. Stephen all right. Jim, lets take a look. Just want to wake up in my younger body, god knows where, then what. You need to go to my house and find me. Convince me of all of this. You need me as well. Why. Its going to take the two of us, sidebyside. Youll have to be patient. Patience isnt my strongest suit. Basically your body will go to sleep while your mind travels back in time. As long as you are back there past and present will continue to coexist. Dow really think this will work . I have faith in him it. He is young, he doesnt know any better. cheers and applause we had an alternative line when we were rehearsing that scene. And you remember that i say i need to you go to my house. And our favorite one was ill need to you go to my house because 35 years ago i think i left the gas on. laughter stephen speaking of 35 years ago, ask there any chance that you, is there any chance you yourself are a time traveler . Because i would like to show you something. This is a photo of you 24 years ago. And this is you this year. laughter do you bathe in the blood of the nuns . How is this possible . applause well, clean living, clean thinking. In every aspect of my life. Keeps my flesh, my skin toned and clean. Stephen wow. Really . Healthy mind, healthy body. Absolutely. Stephen thats lovely. Does being a sir come with anything s there a membership card . Do you get 20 off of figgie pudding and stuff like that . Are you allowed to kill one without any repercussions. Yeah, upgrades on british airways. Stephen no, really . That comes with . Well, the last time hi one it came the day after my knighthood was announced. And i imagine a memo had gone out throughout the organization, you know. If this guy shows up, you know, get him out 6 coach and put him in first class. Stephen that mines booked a flight for yourself coach. I respect that more than anything else you have said here tonight. Thats true courage, my friend. I like and this will represent to you where i stand politically. I like to be close to the people, to the real cheers and applause i dont believe in privilege. I dont believe in hierarchy. So you will ask me why did you accept the knighthood, patrick that was on your list. I accepted a knighthood on behalf of the people. cheers and applause stephen you know what . Same thing mere, i get paid a lot of money to do the show and i accept it on behalf of the people. laughter well, thank you, Patrick Stewart. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen Patrick Stewart, xmen days of future past. Well be right back. Rated m for mature. The nazis rule the world now. Well then, ill find the resistance. Ill find them and ill help them fight. We will rise up and take down. The nazis. rock music playing blazkowicz, can you hear me . Whats your status . Well, im on the. beeps moon. Water has a persistence. A persistence to cut through mountains. And carve out valleys. It takes the same kind of determination to build your dreams. In 1873, adolph coors came here to build his. A dream of brewing a beer with pure Rocky Mountain water. And to this day, its made the same way. Persistence. It has its benefits. Coors. The banquet beer. Into these starburst minis . They built a factory in miniminneapolis. Theyre experts at shrinking regular starburst. 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