Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140910

No matter how much things change. Help your Small Business do more business. Try our toolkitfreeat constantcontact. Com. Jon thats our show join us tomorrow night at 11 00. eagle caw cheers and applause stephen oh, hey welcome to the report, everybody thank you for joining us ill be right with ya audience chanting Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you cheers and applause ill be with you in just one minute. I just need one second here. Im still trying to load the iphone 6 announcement, so i can find out why i suddenly hate this iphone 5 im watching it on. laughter wow, 7. 1 millimeters. I wonder how many that is . laughter of course, the iphone 6 wasnt the big surprise. Many people predicted 6 would come after 5. laughter i am so excited and i am so proud to share it with you this morning. It is the next chapter in apples story. laughter stephen woo woo woo woo woo cheers and applause woo cheers and applause what does it do . laughter gotta have the apple watch its finally cool to wear calculator watch whos the nerd, now, ben mcgooken . i mean, this thing will change the way you rook at your wrist. But dont take my hype for it. Take theirs. Weve invented new, intimate ways to communicate directly from your wrist. Stephen i thought i knew all the intimate ways to wristcommunicate. Whats left . Wrist in butt . I dont know. laughter and folks laughter tragically, the apple watch is not available till 2015, whenever that is, i dont know, because i dont have an apple watch laughter but i did manage to get my hands on an even more cutting edge product from an apple insider. Well, an outsider. He was in the ally behind the apple store. Say hello to the new wrist pad laughter there it is. Its exclusive. Look at that yeah applause the screen size is much better than the apple watch. Lets see, what time is it . 11 04 is that right . Yes, it is. This thing is gonna be huge. Get out the iscissors there we go. laughter and, mmhmm you can use this to give yourself an ibrazilian. laughter all right. Mmhmm, mmhmm. All right. laughter nation, the midterms are almost here. cheers and applause folks, the midterms are almost here, and remember they count for 30 of your grade. And im confident that republicans are going to be kicking ass and taking seats because theyve got a message that appeals to all americans, if you dont count 51 of them. An exclusive report states a study ordered by two republican groups found that female voters feel the party is stuck in the past. They also said the g. O. P. Was intolerant and lacked compassion. Nearly 50 of women had an unfavorable view of the Republican Party. The Republican Party is in worse shape with women now than it was in 2010. Why do you think that is . Im not sure. In spite of all this chatter, were going to have a great year. Stephen yep, great year. Super good. What were you saying . I couldnt hear you with all the chatter about how women hate us. Okay, so republicans are having some lady problems. And they cant fix them the way you normally do, by drinking alone in the den with billy joels big shot cranked all the way up. singing now you had to be a big shot, didnt ya you had to prove it to the crowd applause you had to have the last word laughter but, because none of this is going to make it into the show audience reacts but theres hope for the g. O. P. In the latest installment of Stephen Colberts mid term roundup. Yeehaw once again, my thanks to steve carell for flying in to do that live. Thank you, steve youre a good man. First up, im a longtime fan of of former massachusetts senator and understudy in the mitt romney musical, scott brown. In 2010, he swept into office with an inspiring message for america im scott brown. Im from wrentham. I drive a truck stephen it was the most exciting senate run of man and truck since senator prime. Now brown is running for senate again in the heart of massachusetts. New hampshire. Against incumbent democrat and dr. Seuss tribute name jeanne shaheen. Unfortunately, brown is losing the women vote to shaheen by 39 to 53 . Havent the ladies of New Hampshire seen his old cosmo photospread . He should have an easy path to the senate. Just follow the treasure trail. But scott brown has a new plan to win female voters give them the women for scott brown hero award seen here being given to New Hampshire businesswoman janice leahy. Brown commemorated the occasion in a press release, saying im pleased to award janice with a hero award to celebrate her determination to maintain a business despite government red tape and burdensome regulations. It is very troubling to listen to janets story. The most troubling thing about janets story . Her name is janice. laughter but thats not scott browns fault. Hows he supposed to remember her name . Its not like they went to the trouble to put it on the plaque. An extra 2 cents a letter. Jane here was clearly moved by the honor. As she told the magazine, she was left confused and embarrassed by the whole episode, but im sure janine will remember this great honor come election day. Scott has already inspired me to recognize the hard working business gals of my staff. Come on out here, abby abby, everybody. Give it up cheers and applause stephen now thank you. Abby its ariel. Stephen im sorry, what . Its ariel. Stephen thats not what it says on the press release. I was told you asked for a meeting with me . Well, yes, but i didnt mean on the show. Stephen this is the only free time ive got. I was in meetings all day with level 35 of candy crush. Whats up . Okay. Well, i found out that jeremy is making more money than i am, even though we do the exact same job. audience reacts stephen that is a serious accusation. Who gave you that confidential information about your salaries . Im the accountant. Stephen well, im sorry, avery. Im with scott brown. We cant have burdensome regulation on Small Business. I should know, this program is registered as a familyrun drycleaner, so i can deduct my bar bill as chemical solvents. But it took a lot of girlballs for you to come here today, amber. And to reward that enterprising spirit, i am proud to announce that you are the first ever winner of the women for Stephen Colbert female lady achiever, no penis . No problem award. cheers and applause just smile for the camera and thank me for all ive done for women. Youve done nothing for women. Stephen thats not what it says on my scott brown memorial youve just done something for women award. Well be right back. cheers and applause music plays music plays dont just dream of being the hero. Make it happen. I cant believe were missing the game for this. Were not ive got xlte. It doubles our 4g lte bandwidth in cities nationwide, so be that guy with verizon xlte. Now get 1gb of bonus data, and our best pricing ever on the more everything plan. Miller invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. This led to advertising about great taste, which led to farmers letting fresh hops cascade through their fingers. Which led to brew masters admiring their craft, which led to hand models reaching for a cold one. Which led to slow motion pours of golden goodness. Which led to super slow motion pours, with subliminal messages added in for good measure. Miller lite we invented lite beer, and subliminal advertising, youre welcome. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Thank you so much thank you cheers and applause nation, the news right now is a little depressing, but when times are tough, americas small towns show us how folks make do with what theyve got. This is hometown herotown. trumpet sound tonights tiny town that could detroit. Motown has fallen on hard times lately youve probably heard about it on the news, or if youre a local, from the traveling meattraders who scavenge carcasses from the shoulder of the highway. Right now, detroit is mired in the largest municipal bankruptcy in american history. The city manager estimates the total debt is likely to be between 18 billion and 20 billion. The figure is a little vague, since repomen took the citys calculator. laughter but when the going gets tough, the hometown gets hero, and nobody knows that better than detroits Fire Department which, contrary to popular belief, does not start fires. laughter these hard working middleamericans turned their lackoflemons into a lackoflemonade. Jim . Detroit gets about 11,000 fires in any given year. But how it gets those calls may surprise you. The city has no modernday computerized system for getting Emergency Alert. In fire stations all across detroit, firefighters place a pop can filled with coins or screws on top of a fax machine. When an Emergency Alert comes through, the paper knocks down the pop can, the clanking noise means theres an emergency. When a run comes over the printer, it comes out, hits our faygo can. clanks and we get an alert. Stephen thats right, the alarm at many yes, give it up applause can do thats right, the alarm at many detroit fire stations is a faygo can full of screws which is, incidentally, the healthiest flavor of faygo. laughter well done, thrifty detroit firefighters, for showing you dont need the bells and whistles of actual bells and whistles. laughter this wobbly can system is foolproof, provided no one ever bumps the table. And this security innovation is no surprise. After all, detroit is the town that brought us robo cop, which, with todays budget, looks more like this. Dead or alive, youre coming with me drop i it stephen folks, when i see this jerryrigged alarm system, its clear these brave men and Women Deserve more. Chances to make do with less. Theres still plenty of fat to be trimmed. For example, right now emergency calls go to a central dispatcher who faxes it to the fire stations. Why bother with dispatchers when homeowners can fax the station directly . If theres a fire, just remember the old saying stop, drop and roll over to your canon l. C. 2050 laserclass fax machine, then load paper in the tray, place your document textside down into the feeder, dial your local fire station and hit send. Oh and make sure you add a cover letter with the subject header fire laughter applause so bravo to detroits firefighters who solved their lack of an alarm with their cando spirit by saying lets have a cando it. laughter well be right back. You wouldnt do half of your daily routine. So why treat your mouth any differently. Brushing alone does less than half the job leaving behind millions of germs. Complete the job with listerine®. Kill up to 99 percent of germs. And prevent plaque, early gum disease and bad breath. Complete the job with listerine®. Power to your mouth™. Also try listerine® floss. Its advanced Technology Removes more plaque. Tmobiles network has more data capacity than verizon or at t. Its a network designed differently. A Network Designed Data strong. cheers and applause stephen my guest tonight is an acclaimed actor, and im dying to find out how he met my mom. Please welcome jason segel cheers and applause hey, jason nice to meet you nice to have you on thank you stephen now, youre an awardwinning actor. I dont think i ever won an award. Stephen it says youre an awardwinning actor. No. Stephen i have been keeping track of you nine years. Youve never had a kelly or a satellite or anything like that . No. Stephen you want one . Sure. Stephen there you go, here you can have this one applause hand me some of that scott brown bleep thank you. Stephen anytime. Tv star . Yeah. Stephen movie star, musician. Yeah. Stephen and you youve got a book here. Yeah. Stephen its called nightmares. Yeah. Stephen cheers and applause stephen youre a quadruple threat at this point. Yeah. Stephen isnt it a little late in your career to vie with james franco for most wellrounded alum . Yeah yeah, laughter stephen you ever call him and say, im coming for you with a book, bleep im trying to focus. Stephen really . My whole career, i have been walking the line between childlike wonder and incredibly creepy. Stephen this seems like both cheers and applause stephen mom, ive met a wonderful guy, his name is jason, he has childlike wonder and is incredibly creepy laughter yeah. So i wrote the muppet movie. Stephen yeah. Thats incredibly cool because theres a context now. But prior to that, i was just a grown man who lived with puppets in his house. Stephen jason, when everyone was gone, did they talk to you . laughter whatever stephen so whats it about . A kid whose mother passes away. Stephen its a sad story. He has a sad life at the beginning. Thats how he perceives it. His father gets remarried. When he does, the kid starts having terrible nightmares about witches eating his toes, which is a recurring nightmare i had growing up. Stephen honest to god, you dreamt witches were eating your toes . I dreamt every Night Witches were eating my toes. Stephen i would dream every night there was a skeleton and then when i woke up i would still think there was a skeleton. Right. Stephen and then i had to touch fleshy humans to know i wasnt. Wow stephen can you imagine waking up to that . A little boy touching you in your sleep so your skin would go around my bones and i wouldnt be a sceltsen anymore laughter yeah. Dont you think thats why we ended up here . Stephen youre in comedy and im in news . laughter well, it it takes a slight delusion, ive always felt, to believe what i have to say people think is worth sitting there and paying money to sit and listen to. Stephen seems natural to me. Me, too, but doesnt seem natural to everybody else. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen no, everybody shut up, im talking laughter i have a question, this is for a friend. Okay. Stephen you just finished a nineyear run. Yes. Stephen of a television show. Yes. Stephen again, this is for a friend. How would you recommend my friend approach ending this show that my friend does thats been on for nine years. Yeah. Stephen is it hard ending a show offa nine years where its your life, your family . Yeah, its a tricky thing. Now is when we would be going back to the show. Now is the trickiest time. Ive never take an vacation before because ive done a movie every stephen because youre employed as an actor. Not having a job in los angeles, its just one continuous vacation laughter i dont understand. Stephen i dont understand, either. So i went to europe for the first time, and the show, as it turns out, is is incredibly popular overseas. Like, people love how i met your mother, which i was not aware of. So people would be, like, hey, marshall hey, marshall i hate to bother you but are you marshall . Turns out they dub my voice the, like, a loveable oaf, and they dub me with people even stupider sounding than me. Stephen so you come off as intelligent. Everyones, like, youre so smart laughter stephen wow and im, like, which way to the museum . Oh, youre so smart laughter stephen asking which way to the museum makes you seem smart . Hes a genius stephen i havent finished the series, yet. Okay. Stephen are you my mother . laughter if i say yes, do i get to experience your weird fleshy touch . Stephen yes. Then yes stephen ladies and gentlemen, jason segel, nightmares well be right back [ male announcer ] welcome to no mans land. Its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. Oh, hi, cortana. You look. Nice. [ cortana ] thanks. This is the new htc one m8 for windows. Sleek. But, im more than just a pretty face. Me, too. I can check your calendar, then traffic to help you make your manipedi on time. And you sound great too. Well, i have two speakers for music. Oh. I only have one. Really . Yes. And im sitting on it. Feel it in your heart, and im sitting on it. Feel it in your soul, let the music take control, karamu. New bud light lime appleahhhrita fiesta forever. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody before we go, jason, you were not aware youve won any awards, correct . Correct. Stephen youve won a lot of awards. Didnt say they were good awards. Top box office films, Television Music awards, broadcast film upcritics, critics choice award, chicago film critics. Lifetime achievement awards, 34 of them. The christopher awards, the Denver Film Critics Society awards hastings theatrical, harvard yeah. Stephen and tonight youre getting the scott brown memorial youve just done something for women award cheers and applause good night cheers and applause its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on apple. Com today. What white esmoke rising out of the cupertino headquarters can mean only one thing, the new iphone is here the new iphone is here [cheers and applause] with images much budding flower or space butthole im not sure. This mornings streaming event tim cook unveiled the iphone 6. Its bigger, faster, rounder, edgier. Could describe the boners of the tech guys. To demonstrate we got this whimsical gym programmer. The guy i rock the perp will man shaw, im bringing it back. [beep] agai