Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141004

Thoroughly. Folks, for weeks weve heard about thi this deadly pandemic taking hold and in who caresistan. But now breaking right now the first confirmed case of ebola right here in the united states. The first case of ebola diagnosed in the united states. A man in texas, now in isolation. Ebola, its here. It is here, ebola. Ebola, here. Stephen yes, ebola here. laughter folks, that is crapyourpant terrifying in that crap your pant is one of the symptoms of ebola. And now that the virus has hit america, its only a matter of time before it infects us all. I mean whats what happened with iggy azalea. laughter so it is time for tonights. Apocalypse now. Ebola in america. 50 states of graves. Stephen by the way, that exploding graphic just spread ebola all over the inside of your tv screen. Remember, folks, anybody can get ebola just by coming in contact with an infebted purposes bodily fluids, including blood, sweat, feces, vomit, semen, and spit. So you might want to avoid the next gathering of the juggalos. laughter and i wont be fooled into staying calm by the socalled experts with their socalled medical degrees and their socalled fingers. And neither will the fox and friend. Ebola is is not as contablous. Its a very infectious virus, but its not as contagious. You have a very calm tone. I think it must come by nature with what you do professionally, doctor. But i think the rest of us are saying, wait a minute. I wonder if theyre just trying not to panic us or them. Again, its because those sorry. Stephen did you hear that cough did you hear that cough . cheers and applause come on she clearly has ebola and see, now do all the foxes and friend. cheers and applause . Thank god, thank god yes, theyre like tinkerbell, you have to clap to keep them alive. And if we do lose one of them thank god theres a spare doocy. Fortunately, folks, for every medical professional out there reassuring us theres a tv professional rescaring us. Youll vomit untrollably. Youll need blooed from your nose, eyes, eerkz elsewhere. Your organs will start to fail. Your skin will become yellowish with jaundice, and the bleeding becomes severe. And there is no cure. Stephen no cure . I thought nyquil was the sniffling, fever, jaundice, bleeding from the mouth, nose, eyes so you can rest immediate. And with our government just clueless about this crisis, once again it falls to the pundit sector to solve it. Should we be stopping flights from these ebola hot zones in west africa . Why are we not stopping air travel liberia and other nations . Why are we allowing these flights into the u. S. Right now . Should we just isolate the countries that are experiencing this is this. Stephen clearly we have to cut off all contact with places with ebola, starting with a border wall around texas. Listen cheers and applause listen listen, i know you guys always wanted to be your own country. Well, congratulations, guy, your founding father is rick perry. laughter applause even that might not be enough. We got to treat this like the zombie apocalypse. I say we reroute the Keystone Oil Pipeline into the Mississippi River and set that bleep on fire okay . cheers and applause it serves you right. It serves you right for having radio stations that begin with k. Everyone over there, every on that side of the river is going to have to take one for the team, but remember, theres no i in mississippi. Folks, these are clearly the end times, and i hope youre spending them with your closest loved ones. I am spending them with someone i never met before. Please welcome the head of the Infection Control program at memorial Sloan Kettering hospital, dr. Kent sepkowitz. Doctor thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me here. cheers and applause . Stephen doctor, doctor, thank you so much for being here. laughter be honest how much yourin and feces were you handling backstage before you came here . Nan who soever. Stephen ill check the webcam. I might have to rethink it. None whatsoever. Stephen what are the odds that im going to get ebola . Zero. Next question. Stephen come on. What do you mean zero . What you mean zero . Thats what the president said. Upon president said its unlikely were going to get an outbreak of ebola in the united states. And now hes turned out to be wrong. Youre saying youre reiter than the president . Im reiter than the president. Stephen really. Yes. Theres actual Science Behind this. Stephen he said unlikely. You said said zero percent. Youre going in the other direction. The proof is we have it now in america. We have one case now. There is actual Science Behind this. This is not rumor and punditocracy doing this. There have been studies. We have had 20 outbreaks of ebola in the last 40 years. Stephen never one this bad. Never one this bad. We know how its transmitted. We even know how its transmitted in the household. In the household its not even that contablous, and thats when you have a sick mom or dad and there are family members. One in seven family members comes down with ebola, even in that close confine. Stephen this guy seven family members this guy, what are they saying now, this guy may have exposed ebola up to 100 people. Yeah, yeah. Stephen does ebola make you popular . It makes you very popular. Stephen 100 people. Thats a lot of people. Thats texas numbers. What can i tell you. laughter applause . Stephen one of us one of us is taking this seriously. One of us is. Stephen so what can i do what can i do to avoid ebola . I think you actually said it dont get physically close to someone hois bleeding to death would be my main advice. Stephen okay. Its very clear that the amount of virus in blood is sky high in someone who is infectious. Stephen okay. And the only way to get infected is to touch that blood bare handed or smear it on your face which maybe you would be inclined to do. I dont know. laughter . Stephen it depend on how good the party is. cheers and applause but i think that even though weve had a sevenmonth outbreak, you know, numbering now in 7,000plus cases, this is not that contagious a disease which i know all of us keep saying . Stephen the pretet lady on tv said no cure. No cure. Stephen okay . Is there no cure for this . The bodys own immune system is the only cure. There is not an approved drug. Stephen what about somewhazmap . Im a clebt and caf other people cant. We have a hand full of people who have gotten zmap. Zmap might or might not work. The studies are not in yet. Stephen card on the table time, all right. Does someone else come down with ebola because this guy had ebola somebody in texas . There might be one secondary case, there might be two secondary case. Stephen so there could be 100 increase in ebola in the united states. That is correct. Stephen thank you for that shocking news, doctor. Thank you. Stephen dr. Kent sepkowitz, memorial Sloan Kettering cancer center. Well be right back, maybe. Thank you. cheers at tmobile get four lines for just a hundred bucks with unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. Want phones with that . Hook up everyone in the family with the Samsung Galaxy s5 for zero down get four lines for 100 dollars and the Samsung Galaxy s5 for zero down so make the switch to tmobile today well even buy you out of your Service Contracts its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. May your lights, always be green. And your favorite songs, always playing. May you never be stuck behind a stinky truck. May things, always go your way. But its good to be prepared, just in case they dont. Toyota, lets go places. Safely. Quiero matar [laughter] yeah [laughter] ohhh. Oooh how did they do that . What . thats what im talkin about dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm cheers and applause . Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you so much. Good to see you. Welcome back. Nation, i gotta tell you and i dont suppose its necessarily any kind of news flash right now, but being rich is great. The only drawback is sometimes you encounter people who have less money than you have. And what we rich people want more than anything else is to feel separate in our exclusiveness. This is a state known add solitocity. Its a secret word that only rich people use. laughter its on the special s. A. T. That we dont have to take because the college has a building named after us. This need for exclusivity is why we have our own private jets, our own private islands, even our own private parts. laughter i mean, imagine going through life with only one set of genitals. I pity you. laughter we need to be away from you normals can which is why i was so inspired by an innovation and exclusivity pioneered by vinod hosla, a Silicon Valley zillionaire and barack obama vindaloo. Khosla owns 53 acres of beached front property on the Pacific Coast but because of some dumb rule that you cant buy the ocean, the unwashed masss kept upwashing on his beach near his property and he took action. Khosla gained control to the only road to the beach, built a gate, and called the cops. Families who had flocked here for generations were suddenly shut out. Stephen you know what they say you cant buy happenness, but khosla proved you can buy other people sadness. Unfortunately, khoslas plan hit a bump in the roadblock. The judge has ruled against a billionaire who closed off access to martins beach, even though khosla owns the 53acre beachfront property, the entire california coast below the high tide line is actually public property. Stephen khosla is a trendsetter and other opulent americans are already following in his footsteps on the beach. This time theres only one set in the sand. Because jesus couldnt get past the gates. laughter jim. That hasnt stopped other beached front home owners from installing fake no parking signs, hiding Access Points and disguising some curbs as fire lanes. Stephen yes, theyre keeping the public away with fake fire lanes in front of their house which, as a bonus, the Fire Department can use to park their trucks when an angry mob sets fire to their house. But best of all applause best of all of these guys applause best of all is California Media mogul david geffen who is evidently tired of beachgoers parking near his house and he found an ingenious new way to tell them to geff off my lawn. These are designed to look like garage doors but theyre not actually garage doors. It looks like you cant park here, but if you look really, really closely, these are actually sealed shut. Stephen yes, these fake garage doors are keeping beachgoers away and if he paint a tunnel on them he can finally defeat that coyote. laughter applause folks, i applaud you applaud and i applaud these trailblazers because as a wealthamerican, i too suffer the indignity of shierg the world with others. Its so distasteful driving on the same road with the normally monied. Now i drive wherever i want because i have a yield sign attached to my front bumper. But once i get where im going, i still want the privacy. Thats why now i always travel with my own velvetroped vched i. P. Section. Yes. cheers and applause this this creates an inpenetrable zone of solitocity around my neck. Now not only am i living in the champagne room, but it comes with a getaway strap so at a moments notice i can escape the rabble. I just use my remote control, and then once the strap descend, i merely attach the strap to this, and if i run into any hoiploy, i merely whisk myself away to a resort so exclusive no one has ever returned. Jimmy jimmy well be right back. cheers and applause so did you hear the new iphone is out . Im getting one sprint is offering this exclusive new plan with unlimited data. The plan is only 50 a month 50 . Unlimited iphone [glass shattering] so should we eat . The new sprint simply unlimited plan, exclusively for iphone 6. Unlimited data, talk and text for just 50 a month. Switch to sprint and well buy out your contract. Its the best value in wireless. To help entertain some friends at the beach. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time. And 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. All with no hoops to jump through. Rafael was inspired to use his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to spend a night watching the stars, under the stars. 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[ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. Available on any device. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, rve. My guest tonight is lynn sherr. cheers and applause lynn, thank you so much for coming on. Nice to meet you. Good to be here you. Stephen are an emmy and peabodyawardwinning journalist and author. You spent over 30 years at abc news. You covered the Nasa Space Program from 1981 to 96, and you became friend with astronaut sally ride and you have a new obamacare a biography of sally ride, your friend, americas first woman in space. I do. cheers and applause . Stephen what year was sally ride the first woman in space . 1983. Stephen 1983. The russians had already beaten us to the punch. Twice. Stephen twice. Two russian women had already gone up, one in 63, and one in 82. Stephen how come if we were in a cold war we let the riewskies beat us with the space ladies. What a good question. Stephen thank you, its what i do for a living. Why did we not prioritize this the same way russia did . Nasa didnt think women were a priority. First there was the race to get to the moon boo is right. But before sally ride flew, the only three females nasa has flown were two spiders and a monkey. Women were in the lowest paying jobs in nasa, and by the time nasa got around to recruiting women, which was 1976, the rest of the country had pretty much figured that out already, but they got there. And once they got there, they went for it. So it had been a mens club of, a white mens club, and then along came their recruitment for women and minorities and the world change. Stephen well, white mens club was there for a while but i gotta say, i do admire what sale ride did. How long was she in training before she went into space . Well, she got to nasa in 1978. She was in training and named as the First American woman to fly in 1982. And she flew in 1983. So he had all that training and then she had one year of really, really intensive training right before she flew. Stephen what does that mean, really intensive training . What do you have to do . What were the physical requirements . Were there some physical things they thought women couldnt do that you had to do for space space . Everything. Stephen women can float upside down, i would imagine that. They certainly can. Stephen what do they have to do . The same thing the men do. Stephen i dont know what those are, either. There was no difference in the training. The men and women trained exactly alike. They had to learn how to jump out of a parachute stephen hopefully out of a plane but in the parachute. Jumping out of the parachute is very tough. That is very tough training. But, you know, the astronauts are very smart, so they had to do water survival training. Had to learn how all the gadgets and all the switches in the shuttle, what is going on, how to make it work. Stephen did her name help in the choosing process . For nasa . Her name is sally ride. Was she up against like emily sipkowitz. Heres what is amazing, her real name its ride family name goes back about 400 years in england. No, her name actually didnt have anything to do with it. Stephen didnt help at all . Nasa didnt like it . No. Stephen it looked great on a publicity release. Youre right. Ill ask. Ill double check that. Stephen please do, please do. Stephen it was revealed in her obituary, the last line of her obituary tell the people the last line of her obituary. It was that she was survived by her sister and her mother and her partner of 27 years, tam oshaughnessy. Stephen not every obituary has a plot twist right at the end. Its revealed that she had been a lesbian. Yeah. Stephen the entire time or did space do that to her . Because thats what happened with the fantastic four. The cosmic rays the cosmic rays and they got all fantastic. laughter applause . Well, its kind of a mixed story. But she got together with tam in 1987. Stephen so after going to space. After going to space. Stephen okay, yes, all right. And, you know, it was a different time. The world was then not accepting, let alone recognizing samesex couples, and sally chose to keep it private. She was a very private individual. Stephen no biographies, no movies about her. Nothing in her lifetime. And this only came about because her partner wanted the biography done after sally died. Sally died in 2012 at the age of 61, two years ago. She never i spoke to her many times about it. She was a very close friend, and she never wanted a biography, an adult biography. There are a lot of kids biographies out there. But she never wanted a grownup biography. And i think part of it was she was protecting nasa. She didnt want to have nasa have to deal with the issue of dealing with a woman who was gay, who had been in space. Stephen did she see herself or did she feel her role was an icon of science or of feminism . Because both of those frighten me. laughter i dont understand them. I dont understand them. You know what, i have to tell, you would have really liked her. Stephen would i . You would have really liked her because the answer is both. She felt both as a feminist and scientist. She believed women could do anything. She grew up with parents who believed women could do anything. But she also believed science was going to save the planet. When she was up in space, she looked back at earth, she saw what she called the san royal blue line of the earths atmosphere, such a fragile situation. Without that atmosphere, we wouldnt be here. She would sometimes call it as thin as the fuzz on a tennis ball she was a tennis player as well. And she devoted her life in large part to making sure that we protect the planet and she wanted girls, especially young girls, to study science so thaibd do that. cheers and applause . Stephen well, the book is sale ride americas first woman in space. Lynn sherr, thank you so much for being here. cheers and applause . Well be right back. [ male announcer ] you look twice before crossing. You exercise. You choose the salad. Occasionally. But when it comes to staying well physically, financially, emotionally going it alone is hard. So cigna has your back and your knees 24 7. In sickness and in health. Answering your questions. Giving you come coaching. Helping you get well, and stay well. Thats having a partner. Whos with you all the way. Cigna. Thats having a partner. Whos with you all the way. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. Hey, razor. Check this out. Its time to get a hotel. We can save big with priceline express deals. Hey you know what man, these guys aint no dragons. Theyre cool. These deals are legit. Yeah, were cool. Shes cool. Were cool. Ok. Ok. Bonjour, echante. Ok . Give that a try. Ok, youre bixby spartans. Ok ok, you ready . Yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, wassup ok, yeah. Ok. Ok, youre good. Ok google. Do dogs dream . Dogs dream like humans and about similar things. The new cricket wirelessyour believes you should be doing a lot more of this. So we dont have any of those silly annual contracts. But we do have a whole lot of coverage. For not a lot of money. So everyone can feel like this. Switch now and get a free 4g smartphone on our reliable 4g network. After 50 mailin rebate cricket visa promotion card. The new cricket wireless. Something to smile about. dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm whos going to do it . Whos going to make it happen . Discover a new energy source. Turn ocean waves into power. Design cars that capture their emissions. Build bridges that fix themselves. Get more clean water to everyone. Whos going to take the leap . Whos going to write the code . Whos going to do it . Engineers. Thats who. Thats what i want to do. Be an engineer. [ male announcer ] join the scientists and engineers of exxonmobil in inspiring americas future engineers. Energy lives here. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. cheers and applause announcer from comedy centrals world news hktds in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [. Jon welcome tolt daily show. We worked on t. Were very excited. Our guest tonight is ben steele to talk about his documentary, hunted the war against gays in russia. It has footage you cant believe it. How did you get people to come on and say that . Cn holy bleep . claughtern jon but first, if youve been paying attention to the news lately, you might have heard, were all going to die. Ebola in america. Very deadly and contagious virus may have spread. The global fight against isis. Warning of attacks the in crisis on the border. Whos coming to america. Jon we have a border so poreus that ebola or isis or ebola otd backs of isis could come through the border. Ive got to say ebola on the backs of isis should sound terrifying, but how cute would that be, to see isis giving ebola to piggyback ride . Ebola. So america is under attack from ebola and militants