Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141028

In order for a new yorker to contract this disease from somebody out on the street or in a public place, that infected person would literally have to vomit or have diarrhea so close to you that you touch it and put it in to your own mouth. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at w eagle caw stephen tonight, ebola arrives in manhattan, but can only afford to live in queens. laughter then how are gay soldiers harming our military . If you dont can ask, ill still be happy to tell. laughter and my guest, Meredith Viera is starting her own talk show after eleven seasons hosting who wants to be a millionaire. I guess they found someone who wanted to be a millionaire. laughter Dunkin Donuts says their croissant doughnut is not a cronut. But theyre sticking to their wild claim that its breakfast. laughter this is the colbert report eagle caw cheers and applause audience chanting Stephen Stephen welcome to the colbert report good to have you with us cheers and applause thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen thank you cheers and applause thank you so much well tom twell welcome to t for now. Okay. Thank you. Its day 29 of americas ebola crisis. Jesus okay. Please. laughter jimmy . Thank you. All right. laughter this thing is going to kill us all. Of course, i have been tracking the virus on my sexy c. D. C. Technician calendar. I would not mind catching whatever hes got. I am not i am not i am not something. Im sure ill get to it in a minute. laughter now im not one of these fearmongerers who will tell you that everybody is going to die. Just 90 of you. laughter the other 10 will live in a postapocalyptic afterscape ruled by gangs of psychopathic biker chicks who serve the spice lord targoth. laughter because the ebola crisis just hit america where we live. If by we you mean i. Ebola has come to new york in americas largest city. Confirmed ebola in the heart of new york city. Stephen ebola has come to new york and if they can spread it here, theyll spread it everywhere laughter singing i dont know all the words to that song. Ill admit it. Before, i wasnt really worried because ebola was only in faraway places ill never go, like liberia and dallas. laughter but now, the bleep has hit the fan. Which is the numberone way to spread ebola laughter applause stephen ive just got to calm down ill just close my eyes and go to my happy place. Argh why did i make my happy place liberia . now, the patient whos keeping the city that never sleeps awake at night is a doctor who just returned from treating ebola patients in guinea. He knew he was at risk, so upon returning from africa, he stayed home from work. Which kept him away from his coworkers. And gave him plenty of time to explore this magnificent city officials are now tracing his fairly extensive movements in the hours before his diagnosis. Spencer stopped here in the green witch village at the meatball shop. He visited the high line, a very popular Tourist Destination here. Wednesday, he goes on a threemile run. Stephen a threemile run . He works out more than i do without ebola. laughter and that was just the beginning. We just found out he road public transportation. He road two, maybe three different subways. Stephen great ebola spreads by touching blood or feces those are your only two seating options on the subway laughter thankfully, this wont happen again because, on friday, new Jersey Governor Chris Christie and new york governor uh, one of the cuomos harpo . laughter announced both states would enforce a mandatory 21day quarantine for anyone who has come into contact with ebola patients, even if they have no symptoms which, i hear, is the first symptom. laughter leading to the immediate quarantine of a nurse returning from ebolastricken sierra leone, kaci hickox, who, after landing at newark airport, underwent hours of interrogation, and when a forehead scanner recorded her temperature as 101 degrees, authorities left her in the room for another three hours. Still, better than flying into la guardia. laughter applause she was then taken to University Hospital in newark and placed in a luxurious tent structure outside with a portapotty, no shower and no connection to the outside world except her iphone. Big deal. Throw in a space heater, a sixer of labatts, and youre basically ice fishing. laughter unfortunately, she used her iphone to gripe to the media about the forcible imprisonment. I have been asymptomatic since i have been here. I completely dont understand it. Its not based on any clear Public Health evidence. And its not the recommendation of Public Health and medical experts at this point. This is an extreme that is really unacceptable, and i feel like my basic human rights have been violated. Stephen human rights . Im sorry, maam, but the constitution does not say you have a right to endanger your neighbors. Unless its with a gun. laughter applause a lot of gun fans here tonight. laughter faced with this outbreak of bad p. R. , governor oh, whatshiscuomo backed down, changing new yorks rule to just three weeks without leaving the house or as most people call it, waiting for timewarner cable. laughter and now, new jersey is letting hickox go home. Even christie has folded like a hastilyerected ebola tent. laughter but he knows, ultimately, everyone will see he did the right thing. I know she didnt want to be there. But the fact is i have a much greater, bigger responsibility to the people of the public, so i think, when she has time to reflect, shell understand that, as well. Stephen yes, shell understand when she has more time to reflect than four days alone in a plastic tent. Weve got to do something, folks because its almost impossible to protect ourselves yen more. I want to show you how im going to take this protective equipment off. Im also going to put a little chocolate sauce in my hand, which could represent a possible ebola contamination. Take a look. Put the mask back on. So here would be the most likely contaminated area, my gloves, maybe the front of my gown, a bit like this. Now i got to treat this as if im potentially contaminated. So now take a look. Right there, see a little bit of chocolate sauce. One possible exposure. And over here on my neck, one possible exposure. Stephen thats terrifying. The only thing that can stop ebola is wetnaps laughter gupta clearly blew the protocols. So nation, once again, it falls to me to properly demonstrate how to isolate this virus. Ill use this bowl of Vanilla Ice Cream to represent a sterile sealed hospital room. Now, someone with ebola comes in, they got their bodily fluids. All right, all over the sterile room. Obviously, blood is one of the ways it is transmitted. Then, this is their saliva. Its a little frothy. They might have rabies as well. laughter these represent their sneeze particles, okay . Right there. laughter and one of the symptoms of ebola is bleeding from the eyeballs, so. There you go. laughter so now youve got all these dangerous contaminants together. But you can stay safe, as long as you avoid all contact. laughter though, i gotta say, that looks pretty good. It probably wouldnt hurt to have a little ebola. Mmmmmm, mmmmm. laughter you know what . Its my ebola cheat day. Well be right back. cheers and applause what makes thermacare different . Two words it heals. How . With heat. Unlike creams and rubs that mask the pain, thermacare has patented heat cells that penetrate deep to increase circulation and accelerate healing. Lets review heat, plus relief, plus healing, equals thermacare. The proof that it heals is you. To us, it means giving you a wide selection of products. The best advice. The best service. And an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. Expert service. Unbeatable price. Best buy. They let us use our phones to. Do amazing things. But why sign a twoyear phone contract just to use them . At net10 wireless you can use the phone you already have. And keep your network and number, too. But for half the cost. The bring your own phone plan. Thats wireless your way. Unlimited talk, text and data on the best 4g lte networks starts at just 40 a month. Net10wireless. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Thank you very much nation, when it comes to defending america, there is nobody i trust more than texas congressman and confused piece of gnocchi, louie gohmert. Because hes brave enough to say the things that no one has the slightest desire to say. Thank you, president Barack Hussein obama. He has helped jump start a new ottoman empire. We are going to borrow more money from the chinese to possibly give them money back to create habitats for wild dogs and cats that are rare. Theres no assurance that if we did that, we wouldnt end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan. laughter stephen this good man is always worried about food safety, ever since he drank that paint thinner. Its only two letters off from paint dinner. And recently, louie made words again. This time, to explain once and for all the dangers of gays in the military. Ive had people say, hey, you know, theres nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the greeks. Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, its a different kind of fighting. Its a different kind of war. And if youre sitting around getting massages all day, ready to go into a big, planned battle, then youre not going to last very long. Its guerilla fighting. You are going to be ultimately vulnerable to terrorism and, if thats what you start doing in the military like the greeks did. As people have said, louie, you have got to understand, you dont even know your history. Oh, yes, i do. I know exactly. Its not a good idea. laughter stephen yes, gohmert knows his history. Or he may have just been watching the gay version of the film 300. laughter by which i mean the one released in theaters. laughter the gre and the greeks were the gayest army in history. Its why they were always traipsing off for fabulous mediterranean wars. And why they fought packed together in a phalanx, aka the manonman massage cube. laughter but like gohmert said, that was fine for ancient greece, back when battles had a set time and date. It was easy youd get a rubdown, then run out to a peloponnesian field for your 2 00 p. M. Facespearing. laughter but that doesnt work in todays americas military. Gay massages have no place in our neverending guerilla war. I. S. I. S. Isnt gonna postpone its ambush so you can finish listening to your favorite peruvian pan flute cd. laughter and we are in grave danger, because the homosexual seaweedwrap lifestyle has spread throughout the military. Look at the air force. Why do you even need a back seat . The copilots just back there for the neck rubs laughter no wonder tom cruise was so tense after goose died. And why do you think they called him goose . laughter applause we miss you Anthony Edwards soy stand with louie when he says this as people said, louie, you dont understand, you dont even know your history. I said, oh, yes, i do. Its not a good idea. Stephen im with you, sir. People have said to me, stephen, you have gotta understand, you dont even know your history. Youre dumb, dense, a mental midget with the i. Q. Of a butter dish whose mind is a black hole that sucks all surrounding thought into an infinite singularity of pure stupidity. Im surprised you can even dress yourself. I bet you have to rub Peanut Butter inside your lips to remember to open your mouth and breathe. Ive never met, and hope to never meet again, a man so pervasively, astoundingly, unyieldingly ignorant. To which i say, well, you havent met louie gohmert. laughter well be right back. Vo what does it really mean to be the best . To us, it means giving you a wide selection of products. The best advice. The best service. And an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. Expert service. Unbeatable price. Best buy. Hey oh, one bloody mary, served at a perfect 98. 6 degrees. Some drinks are hardly refreshing. [glass shattering] nah dog, im good. This partys dead, i love it. New redds wicked apple refreshingly hard [driver] started my camry. Picked up someone i hadnt seen in far too long. Went somewhere wed both never been. Did something weve both never done. And was reminded that the most important things in life arent things, theyre people. The bold new camry. One bold choice leads to another. Toyota. Lets go places. A mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew. 5 ascent gum. Stimulate your senses. 50 cent corn dogs all day long . All day. What a great deal. Oh, its the best. Hey, guess what i am. Uh, irritating. A pumpkin. Announcer delicious sonic corn dogs are just 50 cents all day on halloween. This is how you sonic. Stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is a beloved Television Host who has won 14 emmys. And no, its not me from the future. Please welcome Meredith Viera cheers and applause hey, meredith good to see you good to see you. Stephen nice to have you on oh, my gosh they love you stephen they love that you are with me ms. Vieira, 14time emmyaward winning journalist applause whatever stephen you were one of the original hosts of the view, coanchored the today show, also hosted who wants to be a millionaire for eleven seasons and have a new daytime show called the Meredith Viera show. Go figure doesnt it feel good to have a show with your name plastered on it . It is terrifying. Stephen whats wrong with that . Its my name. They said, you have to be Meredith Viera. Dont you feel that . Stephen feel great . The weight of the name on your show. How large is your staff . Stephen about 1,500. O youre responsible for their livelihood. Stephen i am. I am a river unto my people. laughter theyre on your Magic Carpet Ride . Yeah, but you dont know where its headed. Cont land at la guardia. No. Stephen a nigh nightmare. Have you been scared of ebola, by the way. Stephen terrified. Do you have ebola . Interesting enough, i had an interview with the doctor who is under voluntary quarantine but he sneezed and shook my hand and i was too polite to not shake it, then i was terrified. Stephen youre too polite to not possibly die. Right. Stephen of hemorrhagic fever. Kiss me, darling kiss me okay, so hes fine, which th by the way. Stephen ill see ya around. laughter now, heres the thing i like about you, youre very likable and relatable awww stephen now, do i like you . laughter am i relating to you or is this just the Meredith Viera we see on tv . In realty, are you a likable, relatable person, or right now am i also getting the tv Meredith Viera because we are, in fact, on tv . No, no. I am who i am. Stephen really . Yes, really. Unlike stephen unlike other people you know . laughter im me, baby this is me you can cut me open and count the rings of Stephen Colbert oh, my gosh stephen the only reason i ask is because you have been known to blurt things out. Yes. Stephen very honestly like on the view. Like what did i say. Stephen you said like what . Stephen you said, i dont wear underwear. Right. Stephen i said, why is why they call it the view. laughter what possessed you to do that . Because its a daytime show and youre supposed to be authentic and i just felt, why not . Why not share that with america . Stephen and later did anyone describe to you why not . Perhaps your family . Perhaps your children . I dont think my children saw that particular show. Stephen they dont watch this, i hope. My kids are big fans, actually. Stephen you might want to point that out, then. Do you wear underwear . Stephen oh, no. Well, okay, then cheers and applause stephen underwear have not been woven that could cover my balls. laughter the only honesty you have on your new set, on the Meredith Viera show, is that its furniture thats not in great shape. Right. Stephen why wouldnt you want everything to be as pretty as possible . Because its my real furniture, one of the chairs, and its torn to shreds by my cat. I wanted people to see this is the way we live. A lot of people live that way. I thought the chair would be authentic. Stephen it is. You have to replace that chair at home and thats a Tax Deduction now laughter expect and audit any minute. Is your set like your living room at home . Well, its sort of like it. Stephen because this is like my living room. I bet it is. Stephen this is my shoe polisher. Is that your emmy . Stephen yes. Well, you have 14. I do. Stephen i have 10. You have 10 . Stephen yeah. Wow cheers and applause stephen sometimes i put them in a pit and make them fight my peabodys. How many peabodys do you have . I dont have any. How many do you have . Stephen 4. I have no grammys. How many do you have . You do have grammys. Stephen and i am wearing underwear. I have two grammys. Do you have these . Stephen no, i dont. I think you win. The mu Meredith Viera show. Check your local listings check your local listings wewe when delta bath. G . Shower. Toilet. And faucet innovations. Make getting clean. Just as beautiful as getting dirty, thats. Happimess. See what delta can do. Every time you take advil youre taking the medicine doctors recommend most for joint pain. More than the medicine in aleve or tylenol. The medicine in advil is the number one doctor recommendation for joint pain. Relief doesnt get any better than this. Advil heres the situation. A contaminated energy drink has turned everyone into mutants. roars can you save sunset city . Of course you can. Its a bleep video game. Rated m for mature. Only on. To us, it means giving you a wide selection of products. The best advice. The best service. And an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. Expert service. Unbeatable price. Best buy. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody good night cheers and applause audience chanting stephen captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org 59