Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141216

eagle caw cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen good to have you with us audience chanting stephen thank you so much, folks thank you so much for being here what a joy what a pleasure to be with you tonight, folks cheering you know, i love being with you. Ladies and gentlemen, if youve been paying attention to the news lately, folks, if you watch the news, you know that this is cheering folks, this is my last week here at the report. awwwww im sorry. Did no one tell you . But im not the only one stepping down from the national spotlight. So is minnesota congresswoman and wax figure of michele bachmann, michele bachmann. Michele has decided not to seek a fifth term, opting instead to stay home and catch up on her blinking. But bachmanns not going quietly. Last week, as she and her family posed for a picture at the white House Holiday party, bachmann turned to president obama and said,mr. President , you need to bomb the Iranian Nuclear facilities because, if you dont, iran will have a Nuclear Weapon on your watch. Now some may say thats inappropriate for a Holiday Party, but bachmann says the same thing on all of her christmas cards. Besides, Holiday Party or not, bachmann knows its crucial to keep iran from getting a Nuclear Weapon. This is the ultimate in highstakes bingo. Stephen and bingo, of course, the ultimate highstakes game. Just look how the stress ages the players. Shes 17 and how did obama respond to her sage Foreign Policy advice . According to bachmann, the president laughed at me and said, well, michele, its just not that easy. laughter im not surprised he laughed. Look at the president s reaction to two years ago when i told him he should listen to michele bachmann. laughter god speed. God speed, michele. I cant believe you kept up that crazy conservative character for eight years. Of course, the big story continues to be the Senate Intelligence committees torture report. Folks, america is a beacon of freedom around the world. But thanks to this report, now brutal regimes are talking smack like this crap from china. How long can the u. S. Pretend to be a human rights champion . Oh, id say about as long as i can pretend i dont know who made my iphone. Its elves, right . These are troubling questions, and in troubled times, bill oreilly reminds us to shut up and let him talk. There are some folks like me who believe we must use harsh measures to defeat the jihadists who would slaughter us all if they could. There are others who say we must obey the geneva convention, even though we are fighting an enemy that does not fall under that treaty. Then there is the definition of torture. Some believe that subjecting a captive to loud noise or verbal threats is torture. Stephen obviously, a debate that cannot be debated because minds will not be changed can be debated only by the most unchangeable mind. Me, Stephen Colbert this is formidable opponent. cheers and applause first of all, welcome, stephen. Good to be back. Stephen stephen, i looked it up, and you and i debated torturing detainees in the very first month of this show more than nine years ago. Nine years . Wow, you havent aged a bit. Stephen awww. Youre a liar. I am. You look terrible. Stephen i know cause ive been up for almost a week reading about how we kept prisoners up for almost a week. You look so wellrested. Whats your secret . Ill show you. Gimme that. cheering now you will sleep like a baby. Stephen no, i wont some parts of that report are really disturbing which parts . Stephen the words. Chaining and beating, confinement in coffinsized boxes, something called rectal rehydration . Well, cmon, man, no one likes a thirsty rectum. Stephen granted. I just dont like to think of america as a torture nation. Were not. Were the good guys. Its just that, after 9 11, our fear and anger temporarily changed us into a different guy. Stephen oh like the incredible hulk . Exactly. Dont make us angry. You wouldnt like us when were angry. But now were back to being bruce banner, so we cant be held accountable for the hulks harsh interrogation methods. Stephen or his tiny pants. Yeah, and as usual, bill oreilly put it most look, were fighting a war. I have a book on world war ii, killing patton, so i know what im talking about. Bad things happen in war. The truth is mistakes were made, but they were made in the fog of war to protect americans. Stephen im going to miss that good man. Hes not going off the air. You are. Stephen yeah, but no ones gonna pay me to watch him anymore. So bleep that noise. You have to admit bills right. You cant judge what happens in the fog of war. Stephen what fog . This wasnt lowlevel troops making splitsecond decisions in a freefire zone. It was over seven years of lawyers at the highest levels of government writing legal briefs about simulated drowning. Sorry, stephen. I cant hear what youre saying. Its too damn fog of war in here. Stephen you cant hear me because its foggy . Cant hear you foggy stephen youre holding a bleep fog machine oh, this . I didnt see that because of the fog of fog. Stephen look, fog or no fog, we said we dont torture, and now the world thinks were the bad guys. Thats only because people know about it. Think of it this way, everybody thinks youre a good person, right . Stephen i hope so. But what if someone found out what happened that summer up at Mayflower Lake . Stephen we agreed we would never talk about what happened at Mayflower Lake. Exactly, because were good people, and nothing happened, because it had to. Stephen right. Mr. Jenkins slipped and hit his head on that rock to protect the other kids. Yes, the rock, which is consistent with blunt force trauma. Stephen and we agreed on that story and sealed it with the mayflower prep secret handshake. Mayflower boys do not do murder. Stephen and will not discuss it further. Pachang cheers and applause point is america does not torture. But we had to. And well never do it again, unless its to protect america. Stephen but the report says it didnt protect america. Oh, im not talking about the actual country. Im talking about the idea of america. The idea of america would never torture. Stephen and the actual america . Have you read that report . We pumped hummus up peoples butts. Im no imam, but im pretty sure thats not halal. And thats why i chose to live in the idea of america. Stephen ahha but the idea of america is just an imaginary place. Which means you, sir, are just an imaginary Stephen Colbert. And you, sir. fading away have been a formidable opponent stephen well be right back. cheers and applause have a cuervo. Have a sensitive side. Just dont have any regrets. Cuervo. Have a story. Did you know you can use an ipalmost any apple device . Om really . Yeah. Give me a call on that macbook. Alright, call you now. [ringing] [french accent] hello, pierres bistro. Uhh, id like to make a reservation. [french accent] theres Nothing Available goodbye. Cmon dude. Dont hang up on me. Try again. Call me from the ipad. [ringing] [french accent] huhh huhh huhh. You call me back on ipad you think i give you a reservation you will never get a reservation table for four. [french accent] never cheers and applause thanks so much. Thank you, everybody. Stephen welcome back. Nation, i so dislike north Korean Leader kim jongun that, lets just say, im not going to name my next child after the guy. And evidently neither is anyone else. There is only one kim jongun in north korea. Thats a law. By directive of the north korean regime, the name kim jongun is off limits to any other citizens of the secretive and repressive state. Birth certificates with the names kim jongun are rejected and anyone who happens to share the supreme leaders name must change it. Stephen gotta do it. When the average north korean sees the headline kim jongun inspects local lube factory, you dont want them wondering, is that kim jongun, the farmer from down the road, or kim jongun the dictator who killed that farmer for having the same name . Point is, you do not want to cross this guy. Consider whats happening to sony over their upcoming movie the interview, starring james franco and tonights guest seth rogen. cheering they play tv journalists recruited by the c. I. A. To assassinate kim jongun, im guessing by smoking a lot of pot at him. Apparently, ol sourpuss here doesnt have a great sense of humor when it comes to his own assassination. A huge hack attack rocking a major hollywood studio. When the trailer for the interview came out, north korea called the movie an act of war. Now sony pictures, the studio behind the film, has been hacked. Hackers have stolen five new movies and leaked them on to the internet. Experts say sony will likely lose millions of dollars this Holiday Season from people viewing illegal downloads of those movies online rather than going to theaters. Hackers working with north korea could be behind the attack. Stephen yes, someone hacked sony and illegally distributed movies on the internet. It has to be north korea. The only other person with that capability is a 12yearold with bit torrent. laughter the hackers also leaked unreleased scripts, including the script for mall cop blart2 what . that movie has a script . great. They just ruined the entire plot large man falls down eh, ill still see it. Laugh will have the hackers even left a calling card hacked by gop. Which is also what Mitch Mcconnell yells every time he successfully works his microwave. laughter in this case, the g. O. P. Actually stands for guardians of peace, and theyre demanding that sony cancel release of the interview. Or as they posted online, do carry out our demand if you want to escape us. And stop immediately showing the movie of terrorism. You, sony and f. B. I. Cannot find us. We are perfect as much. Yes. cheers and applause which is either a threat or dialogue from the blart2 script. laughter folks, this worries me because, over the last nine years, ive said some terrible things that could make this guy unhappy. Nation, im no fan of korean dictator and evil potato kim jongun. This photo of kim jongun its hard to say where the mushrooms end and his haircut begins. Dear leader kim jongun has finally reemerged in public after a courageous battle with stage 5 cheese ankle. laughter i stand by all that. And i just want to say to the hackers targeting innocent americans north korea is the greatest country on the face of the earth. And kim jongun. Oh, hes perfect as much. Let shine his raidiant glow upon all his children, from the frozen steppes of the north to the frozen mudflats of the south. All of america bows before the glorious kim jongun. Truly, he is as wise as he has chin. When we return, ill interview the liepedaling filmmaker behind the interview decadent capitalist pig and enemy of the democratic peoples republic, seth rogen. Well be right back. cheers and applause have a cuervo. Have an adventure. Just dont have any regrets. Cuervo. Have a story. My at t cell phone bill. In your hand . Verizon bill . Yeah. Thats cool. Nooo. How much are you spending per month . 110 bucks 120 bucks 260 what if sprint could cut your rate plan in half . And give you unlimited talk and text in the u. S. , and match your data. Goodbye verizon. I am done with at t. Dont miss the cut your bill in half event. Bring us your verizon or at t bill, turn in your old phone, and well cut your rate plan in half. Visit us online or visit a sprit store today. Just take a closer look. It works how you want to work. With a Fidelity Investment professional. Or managing your investments on your own. Helping you find new ways to plan for retirement. And save on taxes where you can. So you can invest in the life that you want today. Tap into the full power of your fidelity greenline. Call or come in today for a free oneonone review. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight made a movie that hasp set a madman with Nuclear Weapons. Im not allowed to say bad things about mcdonalds. Please welcome seth rogen cheers and applause stephen hey mr. Rogen, thank you so much for coming on. Good to see you thank you. Stephen thank you for being here. Thank you for having me, sir. Stephen what a pleasure to have you here. Thank you for wearing a suit. You look like youre ready to go to court. I feel like i am. Stephen are you on trial . At least they legalized carrying weed. Stephen the weed is not the issue. No. Stephen its going toe to toe with the North Koreans in thermonuclear conflict. laughter okay. Stephen laugh it up. Youve made some of the funniest movies ive ever seen. Knocked up, super bad, pine upapple express, this is the end. The new film is called the interview, opens on christmas day. Yes. Stephen okay. It upset the North Koreans. It did. Stephen okay. Did you think it would upset the North Koreans . Uh. Stephen did you picture them as a jolly regime . People are getting a kick out of that lube every time they see that picture. Stephen oh, they love it. Thats his friend luby. Exactly. We dihe did not simply love the concept of the movie, to be totally honest, but we wanted to make a movie that had one foot in reality that we as filmmakers like and seems interesting as audiencemembers as well. Stephen is it appropriate to make jokes about real things in the world . I personally think it is appropriate the make jokes about real things. We thought we could inject some slight relevance or stephen for a second, im worried. I dont have poison on my hands. laughter im not an agent. Did you think about changing the namet all, like calling it phil jong un . We did. And we thought, whose feelings are we trying to spare by doing that, kim jongun . Stephen right. laughter and so. Stephen im blin behind you 100 . I think these guys can suck it. Yeah, we were fascinated by what was happening in north korea. We read about it and stephen how Much Research did you do on this . We read about it a lot. Watched documentaries. Read news articles. You dont know how much is based on fact because very little real information gets out of north korea. But we did as much as we humanly could. Stephen did you talk to Dennis Rodman . We didnt. We talked to the people who went to north korea with Dennis Rodman. Stephen uhhuh. We talked to people who met kim jongun himself. Stephen because in the movie, hes like a fun guy to hang out with. One of the interesting things they said is when youre in the room with him, youre not always aware of where he is. Its like when youre in the room offwith the president of the united states, youre always aware where he is. Youre having a drink, hear a laugh, and then kim jongun would just be there what are you guys talking about . laughter which is what we put in the movie is he was kind of unassuming. We tried to make him, for lack of a better word, adorable. Stephen he is. Hes adorable up to a point. Up to a point, yes. And then we try to expose in a comedic way as possible, we try to get into what is actually horrible about north korea and explain what is bad about it. And it is really bad. Stephen a totalitarian regime highlighted by sick jokes. Exactly. Stephen we have a clip. What are you seeing . Im not seeing anything. Dog big dog big dog . Its clifford size. Like a dragon dog. This is like a dragon dog. What am i looking for . I dont know. Ts like a big dog. Its boring got stripes. Got big orange stripes, the dog. growling theres a tiger. A tiger he led my friend into tiger patch . I toweled you there were tigers there. Hes not very happy now. Its dark. He probably doesnt see you. growling it has night vision. The tiger has night vision goggles . cheers and applause you could see. Stephen right. You guys get into issues, clearly. Clearly, tigerrelated issues are big in north korea. Stephen you know you cant go to north korea now, right . I do know that, yes. I did not plan on it prior to this so it does not affect my travel plans immediately, but ill never go. Just for safety, i probably wont go to south korea. Nice place. I have been there once, i loved it. Kind of a bummer. Im going to stay away from barbecue, just to be safe altogether. Stephen what else are you working on . Because you wrote this, too, and codirected it. What are you working on next . We have an animated movie that is it will be the first, like, rrated fully c. G. I. , like, pixarstyle animated movie and its called sausage party. laughter stephen youre going to upset the germans now. I know. We really are. Stephen well, seth, thank you so much. Thank you very much. Stephen seth rogen, the interview opens christmas day. Well be right back heres a question for you when electricity is generated with natural gas instead of todays most used source, how much are co2 emissions reduced . Up to 30 . 45 . 60 . The answer is. Up to 60 less. And thats a big reason why the u. S. Is a world leader in reducing co2 emissions. Take the energy quiz round 2. Energy lives here. Have a cuervo. Have a sensitive side. Just dont have any regrets. Cuervo. Have a story. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody good night, mary cheers and ap captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 11 59 and 59 seconds. Hraeupblgz, this is another reason to ride the train [laughing] chris now, ironically thats actually the least threatening guy on the train. The only passenger who didnt ask anyone for money. So, lets go ahead and see how this wraps up