Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141220

Will smith. Hes stuck in a bubble, cant go anywhere. Meanwhile, bleep is flying around in a magic squirrel suit. The whole thing. And the bad guys can only see you if they smell fear. Guess what . Its a visual medium. What are we talking about . Apparently, the threatened exposure of more emails didnt slow sony down in their vilnius plot to release a comedy. So the hackers went to plan b. The theaters that show sonys new comedy can the view will face 9 11style attacks. Jon first of all, when did 9 11 become a style of attack . laughter we heard you were interested in attacking something. Weve assembled a pintrest page. Tell me what style of attack youd like. Maybe a 9 11, maybe a dresden. The point is you are bleep now, buddy. You stepped in it. 9 11 is our magic strength. Its our spinach. It reminds us, we dont give in, we never give up, we dont back down. The sony spokesperson said the company will not be releasing the film. laughter jon okay. Not releasing it in theaters, because video on demand is a democratized technology. It will inhabit the entire earth. You made a big mistake, north cohackers. No video on demand. Its as if the interview never existed. Jon bleep . laughter thats it . So kim jong un gets to decide what movies we make . So this is every movie from now on is just this, worlds biggest picture, the motion picture. Thats it. Actually, heres whats interesting. In korean, that translates to aftergirth. laughter for gods sake, north korea, thats what they do. They threaten people with hyperbolic language. Why do we fall for that . Thats their hook. North korea has threatened to turn washington into a sea of fire. Jon sea of fire what . And did washington shut down . Did our government shut down . Okay, yes, it did shut down, but that wasnt why. It was a funding dispute. Bad example. The point is this kim jong un, i dont even know why youre so mad at hollywood. You should love them. Hollywood is just like north korea. Everyone is always telling you how great you are. There are billboards everywhere with your face on them and no one eats. laughter but meanwhile, closer to home, some of our other enemies got good news as well. President obama announcing plans to normalize relations with communist cuba after more than half a century. We will end an outdated approach that for decades has failed to advance our interests. Jon specifically our interest in breathal shirts, delicious cigars and adorable old men bands. How bad could cuba be . Like any change, there will be some laggards. Right when the administration was feeling the maximum pain, it throws them an economic lives line and continues the brutal repression and dictatorship of the castro brackets. The cuban government is going to manipulate all these changes to tighten their grip on power. Jon tighten their grip on power . These two are barely holding on to life. laughter i mean, for gods sake, junior is 83. At this point, his big brother, so to speak, he just lies in a corner farting dust. It doesnt weve embargoed them for over 50 years. It hasnt shaken their power. Meanwhile, weve thrown plenty of dictator brunches that these two would surely qualify for. Why not see if liberalizing borders can help change the dynamics. We as a nation and our moral standing in the world is based on one fundamental principle and that is a respect for human dignity, human rights, democracy and freedom. Every economic transaction strengthens the regime that is oppressing, that is torturing. Jon i dont know what you two guys have been doing for the last couple of weeks, but i think i know which book im getting you for the holidays. laughter jon, jon, mr. Stewart, america makes big mistake. Jon what . Is that what the oh, my god, everybody its gitmo, the guantanamo detainee. Whats going on, old pal . Gitmo must warn america by doing business with oppressive cooub regime, america destroy its moral standing. Jon what what makes you say that . Trust gitmo. Gitmo in cuban prison right now. laughter awful conditions. Gitmo on hunger strike, but nothing changed. laughter applause jon so sad. Its so sad. laughter bleep gitmo. Gitmo, i dont know if you know this, guatanamo bay, thats in cuba, but thats an american prison. Thats our Government Holding you in those conditions. You know that, right . Oh, right. After 10 years, what was gitmo charged with again . Jon charged with . Um. Its a funny story. We havent actually gotten around to hey, you know what, gitmo laughter you know what, gitmo . It could be worse. Some of its harder than it looks. Some of our other offshore detainees got food tubes in their rectums. Gitmo dream of food tube in rectum. laughter has to be better than mans arm. Jon well, that thats true, that cant be comfortable, but surely, you must take solace in senator rubios and cruzs discussion of american values. Sure, slong its sincere and not a pander to a powerful, to gain a a majority in the swing state. Jon god, gitmo. What is wrong with you . That is so cynical. Gitmo sorry. Gitmo should have more faith in the system. laughter jon thank you, gitmo. I accept your apology. Gitmo, everybody, well be right back. This is the iphone 6. And this is the iphone 6 plus. You know the new a8 chip is powerful it brings gaming to the next level. I mean, if youre into that kinda thing. Yeah, if youre into that kinda thing. Watch out for that enemy turret, koshka i got it, glaive alright, now lets destroy the vain crystal wait, im going to upgrade from barbed needle to serpent mask. Im going to buy some minion candy too. Dont forget an eclipse prism. Why would i want an eclipse prism in a situation like this . Stop playing like a noob, glaive. Oh. Really koshka . Like the time you took on adagio with nothing but some journey boots and a scout trap . I knew you were going to bring that up only at zales, the diamond store. They say back in the day. Professional athletes didnt play for the money. Nor did they play for fame. They played for the love of the game. Im here to say. Some things havent changed. cheers and applause jon welcome back. You know, obviously, the holidays are here. Its the christmas season. But sadly, some are not so jolly this year, including those whose very job it is to be jolly. Jordan clepper has more. This past saturday, the streets of new york echoed with voices raised against injustice. And civil rights attorney Norman Seagal thinks they have a right to be heard. Even if you disagree with the content of the message of a group, they have the right to express that viewpoint. So he stood with them no, not that them. This them. Holy bleep . With santas. You cant ban people from walking on the public streets. Turn the owz seagal is defending the civil right of a drunken christmas scene bar crawl in new york facing unjust discrimination based on nothing more than indecent behavior and their yule tide street brawl. I traveled to santacon to bear witness to their struggle. Hell, yeah, i feel cuted as a santa. Im drunk and im supposed to be able to do whatever bleep i want. You make very eloquent point. I do. We have a right to have fun what do you say to critics who say this is just an event for drunk kids from new jersey. New jersey . I think thats wrong. Where are you from . New jersey. Santa has rights doors and chimneys have been slammed in their face. Have you ever been kicked out of a bar . Yeah, ive been kicked out of a bar. Just for being a santa. For peeing in the hallway and having sex on the pool table. You got kicked oit because you were a santa . No because a girl was staring at me and i hit her. This santacon advocate agreed to discuss their cause if he could remain in costume. So what should i call you . Santa, please. So i can use the s word . Its not something all people who are in that community can use with each other . You can use the s word . What up, santa. Yo. Nice. What are the other guys in suits called . They are all santa. We are all santa. Doesnt that get confusing . Nope. What if somebody sends a text thats like, santa, cant come to santas party because santa hooked up with santa at sants bar mitzvah. Santa is all of us. Who are we talking about right now . Oh, yeah, were talking santas and their sacred constitutional rights. We have a First Amendment right to get together, say what we want, and walk around in the streets, as long as were doing nothing illegal. You have a right to be judged, not by the vomit in your beard but by the content of your character. Absolutely. Well, to be fair, vomit in beard probably speaks somewhat towards the content of character. 30,000 of anybody, theres going to be some drunks. There are some bad eggs. Absolutely. Whats their names . Nobody at santacon is taking names. You dont have a list of whos being naughty . laughter . No. Isnt that your whole bleep thing . We are nonjudgmentable. Sadly, even traditionally prosanta new yorkers have had enough. What do you think of santa . He smells bad. What is santa supposed to smell like . Clean. And even his little helpers were less than supportive. What do you think of santa . bleep santa. The north pole, man. I would rather work in a 90s factory than work another day for him. Youre a real elf . Yes. Perhaps i shouldnt judge a santa until i have walked a mile in his buckled boodz. It happened. Its a miracle, they say. My heart and liver grew three sizes that day. As the liquor flowed and flowed, my empathy growed and growed. I finally understood, the hatred and oppression these santas experienced when bleep faced drunk is all too real, even at a local bar. One more whiskey. It opened my eyes. So what. bleep an elevator. Does that make me a monster . Am i a monster . Yes bleep you. bleep you. bleep you. So, kids, on the night before christmas, before you hang the stockings with care, it wont kill you to take care of papa santa. Maybe a burrito, some go juice. He might have had a rough night. Jon very nice. Well be right back. cheers and applause vo this is the hp x360. It has some pretty crazy moves. And these are some of the biggest vine, instagram, and youtube stars on the web. Bring them all together with one of the hottest artists in the world. And you create a music video like never before. Now thats how you bend the rules. Introducing the next generation hp x360. Dont settle for 4g lte coverage thats smaller or less reliable when only one network is americas largest and most reliable 4g lte network verizon. With xlte, our 4g lte bandwidth has doubled in over 400 cities. And now, save without settling. Get 2 lines with 10gb of data for just 110. Or 4 lines for just 140. And get a 150 bill credit for each smartphone you switch. Only on verizon. Twhat do i do . You need to catch the 4 10 huh . The Equipment Tracking system will get you to the loading dock. There should be a truck leaving now. I got it. Now jump off the bridge. What . In 3. 2. 1. Are you kidding me . Go. Right on time. Right now, over 20,000 trains are running reliably. We call that predictable. Thrillingly predictable. As strongbow hard cider, better. But strongbow over ice is the best. Enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. Strongbow, worlds number one hard cider. cheers and applause . Jon welcome back. My guest tonight, the best. His new film he wrote, directed and stars in is called top five. Look whos talking. Hide the crack. Hey, home boy, that was unnecessary, man. That was the 80s. Either you was using or either way you got swept up in it. I didnt mention the five grand you owe me. You know what . You have to have an income before you get a check. You cant tax zero. Allergic to jobs. Pee takes job benadryl. When he feel a job coming ohe just take a benadryl. Jon please welcome back to the program, chris rock. cheers and applause really . Really . Really . Really . I didnt know you had that. I did not know you had all that. I got all of that. And a lot more. Jon really . Hows it going fellow bigtime director . Well, mr. Fellow bigtime director, its going quite well. Congratulations. Thank you. Jon im telling you, its it feels like when you see somebody you know is great and has worked for many years and put together Different Things i felt this way about the south park like a doctoral thesis. This movie feels like youre doctoral thesis and everything youve learned. Its just bleep great. Thanks, man. Jon and so much fun to watch. And i im anything to say something. I dont mean in th in i fell in love with chris rock all over again when i watched that. laughter . Thank you. I hope we can use that quote, like they used on book of mormon. Jon i couldnt even get discount tickets. Every cab i went in jon stewart says its the best play ever. When did jon stewart become the play guy . laughter what does jon stewart think of oklahoma . Jon you know whats sad . My kids see that on the top of the cab, and they go, oh, can we go see that . And im like, no. You said it was great. No. I lie gld i lied. Its no good pup cant go. You cant go. What is it for you . What is the experience like for you . You know, as a standup youre always in front of the audience. Yes. Jon so you . Efer actually experience your own work. Ive never been to a chris rock show. Jon exactly i hear theyre pretty good. laughter . Jon can i tell you something . Theyre great. Thank you. Jon a little overpriced, but great. laughter but as a director, so you get to experience with the audience your work. What does that feel like is there is it subversive . Is it weird. What does it feel like . Its subversive. Its weird. You know the thing. Its like youre a comedian. You come up with a joke in the afternoon. You tell the joke at 8 30, 9 00 at night, and you get it, immediate. And when youre doing a movie, you come up with a joke, and then a year and a half later you find out if it worked or not. Jon yup. You know, and it it doesnt work youre like oh,mygod, what am i going to do. Jon there arent many that dont work. Especially the sceeps like that one, the cameos in it. Everybody scores in this movie which i think is almost impossible to pull off in a big ensemble. Sandler, seinfeld he gets some big all the performances. And its dramatic. Youve got gears, man. Youve got gears. Im trying man jon no, its good. Dawson is in there looking fine. Jon shes looking real fine. By the way, he wrote in a couple of scenes where you get to we make out. Jon put your head inside of her head with the mouth boom. Yeah. laughter i gotta use my super powers for good, right . laughter you know. I had more in there but she took them out. Shes like, we dont need this. Im reading the paper. Why am i in my panties . laughter jon is it nice for you . I know theres a real its christmastime. Yup. Jon theres a real hole in the Movie Theater schedule now that theyve taken away apparently theres a movie thats not going to run as planned. Really jon i do think to yourself more cheese for me or what do you think . I i ill say this my movie is very korean friendly. laughter applause i i we almost dont kill requesanykoreans. laughter out of all of the movies out, we kill the least amount of koreans in our movie displ if youre going to see any movie this year that you think could heal the divide im just saying. Jon it would be top five. The egyptians are white in exodus. Annies black. Its a weird world right now. Jon its a weird world. Its the safest Christmas Movie there is. Its fun for koreans. Jon i can vouch for that you know what im upset about . I write a movie about the iranian regime, nothing. These guys are getting all this publicity. cheers and applause . Ive got a whole thing about and its not even a comedy, its real they held this guy in solitary confinement, you treated him like hell, and theyre like, yeah. Theyre like, yeah, we did that. Jon yeah, we did that. No hacking. A couple of even halfhearted. I cant wait to see the interview. Jon do you think it will come out . It will come out. Jon it has to, right . Of course, it will come out. You can buy it on 125th street right now. cheers and applause jon how do you think it would be if kim jong un showed up on 125th street and was like,put that down what are you doing . Its awesome. Im so glad for you. Its a great movie. Congratulations. Do you have the next one cooked up . Im working on it. Im trying to write some standup man. Jon yeah, you really need to work on that. Top five its in the theaters now, chris rock. cheers and applause with tmobile and iphone 6 you can make wifi calls beyond the reach of cellular networks. Hey brandon whats up . So you can talk from down here. Smile for grandma or text pictures from up here. Ok, there we go, should we send a photo . You can even make calls, way over here. Talk and text over wifi, with wifi calling on iphone 6. Only from tmobile. Now get iphone 6 for 0 down. As strongbow hard cider, better. But strongbow over ice is the best. Enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. Strongbow, worlds number one hard cider. So far, youre horrible at this, flo. Yeah, no talent for drawing, flo. House car oh, raise the roof no one . Remember when we used to raise the roof, diane . Oh, quiet, richard, im trying to make sense of flos terrible drawing. Ill draw the pants off that thing. Oh, oh, hats on hamburgers dancing drivein Movie Theater home and auto. Lamp squares. Stupid, dumb. Lines. [ alarm rings ] no home and auto bundle from progressive. Saves you money. Yay, game night, so much fun. When electricity is generated heres awith natural gasu instead of todays most used source, how much are co2 emissions reduced . Up to 30 . 45 . 60 . The answer is. Up to 60 less. And thats a big reason why the u. S. Is a world leader in reducing co2 emissions. Take the energy quiz round 2. Energy lives here. Its the time of year for making lists. At chevrolet, weve made it onto a few lists ourselves. In fact this year, weve been at the top of more awards lists than any other car company. Now during the chevy year end event, put us on yours. Choose a camaro in stock the longest and get cash back for 20 percent of the msrp. Thats over eightyfive hundred dollars on this camaro ss. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Jon thats the show. Before we gobviously as we always do, we check in with our friend Stephen Colbert at the the colbert report. Stephen, i am excited for your show tonight. How are you feeling . Stephen im always excited, jon. Jon but tonights very special show. Very exciting show. Stephen i like to think every show is special, jon. Its a Little Something called professionalisprofessionalism. Jon obviously youre not ready to share any feelings yet. Stephen what feelings . Im an emotionless, igneous news rock. Jon okay, i just want to say, have a great show. And are you ready . Stephen im more than ready, jon. In fact, jimmy . Grab it. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, nation. Thank you. Please, sit down, everybody. cheers and applause thank you so much. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You know i need your strength. Thank you, nation. Thank you for joining us. And good to have you with us. Nation, i know that this is i know that this is an emotional night for a lot of you, so i want to start the show tonight with something a little more upbeat syria. laughter that country is going down the toilet, but for the first time, they know who to call to unclog it. The phones are ringing off the hook at mark