Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20161101

Chowfntion, secrets, husbands past. Other than that, going well. But then the emails, man the bleep emails the emails a week before the election why is this thing not going . A week before the election, side tracked by the emails. Then nothing new 65,000 pictures of Anthony Weiners dick picks. No wonder the National Monument was changed to the wiener monument. One dick got the other elected as far as i can tell, the only news is tnn. Back after the break, more completely true news. This is tnn trevor what the bleep is this . The trumpganda forces is shutting down the news sources. Cnn is packing their stuff. The malaysian plane was in their supply closet all along. Most people in the media got to stay in the country, at least. Ill never forget the day they took john oliver away. Which is all fine until you realize egg Safety Standards actually vary so widely from state to state that there is a no, no, no. Guys, guys. Please, let me finish the bit. Let me complete the egg bit, guys now . It has to be now . No, the point is unless Congress Takes action, your brunch could not only become more of a teaming sea of bacteria, but, no, no not the graphic trevor im going to miss you grownup harry potter face. They would have taken me as well. I escaped because i snuck into Steve Harveys house and stole his mustache and the police couldnt tell the difference between us. Im so sorry, mrs. Harvey, but ill never be sorry for those nights we shared. So they say is true love. phone vibrating oh, man. Roy . Roy, is that you . Hey, africa, i got your black signal. Whats going on . Trevor oh, my god roy so good to see you, man its been years look, everyone, its roy wood, jr. what are you doing . Trevor im making the show. Making the show . Trevor yeah, i snuck back into the studio. Are you getting paid for this . Trevor what . Are you cutting me out . Trevor no, roy. Listen, where are you . In the inner city. Trevor which inner city, roy . Doesnt matter. Black people live here, so, according to trump, its tinner city. Trevor oh marntion, thats pretty messed up. How bad is it for you out there . Actually, not that bad. No crime, they got rid of the police. They made black people with automated stoppen frisk arms. Arms pop out every 90 seeds and pat you down. More convenient for everybody. There it goes. Let it do its thing. What do we have here. Thats the 20th time today you tried to bust me for my antacid. Get out stop it. Its not efficient. Shots fired. Shots fired. I got to call my lawyer. Trevor roy roy stay safe, roy. We cant live like, this people. You understand this may be the last election where we can change things. All the people we thought would run against trump, look whats happened to them. Just a week until election day 2020 and still no one has come forward to run against the great President Trump. Hillary clinton, of course is, serving out her sentence in super guantanamo along with former Vice President mike pence. Meanwhile, ted cruz continues to teach inner city kindergarteners saying politics got too dirty for me. Joapped snuck above the elon rocketship that took the obamas to mars. Trevor president obama escaped with his family to mars. Right now michele is teaching little fat aliens to get in shape. Bill clinton didnt go with them because he decided to go to venus because thats where women come from. Thats a joke. Men are from man, i miss having an audience. Even if the candidate you like isnt in this election, doesnt mean you shouldnt vote. Vote for anyone you can even vote for, photo for the woman of the woods, elizabeth warren. I know her policies might raise tax bus at least she has a plan we cant survive four more years of trump. This is the same guy who repealed obamacare on day bun, said he would replace it with something better. Yeah. Then it turned out to be this, an energy drink. This is what he replaced it with. Something much better. Literally, thats what it was. The guys a complete more ron. He dropped the bomb on iceland because he insisted that i. S. I. S. Comes from iceland. Huh . In a few short years trump has turned against europe, alienated asia. Told africa to go back to africa, sued south america for copy right infringement and banned from antarctica for grab ago penguin. How do you grab a penguins pussy . Only trump with get kicked out of the u. N. Look, at this bbc report, they got smuggled into the country. Four years into the trump regime, construction is still underway on the war. Although trump promised a grand structure, so far it just stands four feet tall. Still workers remain optimistic. Things are going great. The walls coming along, mexicos paying for it. Well, mr. Trump sent them an invoice. Same thing. Finally someones in the white house who understands the concerns of white men like me. Despite trumps promise of a great america, not everything turned out as he hoped even as his staunches supporters are aware. If i had to nitpick anything, it would be the total economic collapse. Didnt realize white men would be subject to that sort of thing. And who knew supporting the immigrants would mean we would have to build the wall ourselves. With the 2020 president ial election quickly approaching, the discontent reached a fever pitch. Things definitely need to change. Thats why im voting for trump. Not a politician, tells it like it is. Will make America Great again again. Trevor poor jordan, i hope hes doing well. Im so hungry all the time stomach growling good thing i have some of this money. You know, the dollar might be worth it but it tastes so good. Tastes like a strip club. Hey, drefer trevor ronny, is that you . Whats up, trev . Trevor thank god you got the signal. Where are you, man . I have been in china. As soon as trump won, i got on a plane and got out of here. Im not dumb. You stayed in america this whole time . Trevor yeah, i did. You idiot. Oh, man, things are great in china. Were all super rich thanks to trumps dumbass trade policies. The trade deal . Trevor so much better than nafta act of 2017. That was great for china. Trevor what are you going in the u. S. At Trumps White House hotel and casino representing china. Im here for americas annual yard sale since america went bankrupt. The lincoln my moral, smithsonian, tom hanks, checked out the liberty bell. There is a huge crack on it. Im not buying a brokenass bell. Trevor i think thats how its supposed to be. Ronny, there is billions of chinese people, why did they send you . Because i speak english with a perfect american accent. Trevor i dont think you have a perfect american accent. Thats what i told them. You look like bleep . You should get a job. Got to go. Trevor ronny, i wanted to ask you one more people, we cant let trump win again. I know people werent happy with the establishment, dont get me wrong, but this . Have you heard the new National Anthem . And his shoulders so wide and theres no problem downstairs oh that i can tell you trevor that bleep goes on for 20 minutes look weve seen what four years of donald trump can do to a country, people, all because some were disillusioned and gave up hope, but if you wont listen to me, at least listen to my good friend steve harvey, because no matter what you think, your vote matters we all know whats at risk, people thunder trevor damn indoor hurricanes. We should have taken change and everything seriously. With the election coming up, you what does that light mean . Go to commercial . How do we still have ads . baby laughs im only going to show you half it. What do you think . I think it looks very sleek. The lights remind me of audi lights. And it starts at 22,190. Nice. But, theres another side to this car. Oh, wow. I love it. This is the firstever chevy cruze hatch. Well, thats pretty impressive. Wow. So check it out. Yeah, thats awesome. I do like it a lot. Now that you know its a hatchback, what does it make you think of . Young professional slash weekend warrior. The whole business in the front, party in the back sort of thing. Thats 7,671 moon rises, we created blue moon. 48 eclipses and a refreshing taste thats always stayed the same. Creatively inspired. Artfully brewed. Blue moon. Trevor come on, man oh, were back , no change. Oh, there. Hey, were back. I have been watching some of the tv thats on now and you know whats worse than not being on the air . Being on the air all the time. Because trump loves twitter he forced Chris Hardwick to be on 24 hours a day. Look at. This so comedians, what are other things that are amazing about the great and powerful President Trump whom we all adore . April . He respects women like you cant even believe. sigh points. Trevor that poor man. That poor bleep oh, almost forgot. While i was searching for a cockroach to brush my teeth, i came across with a drive with a handwritten note says play me. Must be important because nobody writes anymore. Hold on. Plug this in. Oh. I hope this works. Uh, this is debb desi lydic. Its february 4th, 2020. This is my video diary. I am on the run because people like me who believe in facts have been labeled enemies of the state. Stephen colbert is living in a cave a mile from here and even in this world hes gone viral. What i mean is his skin is being eaten alive by some kind of virus. Hes dying. Under President Trump, every woman has to wear an arm band and gets a rating between one and ten. I am a seven. I was almost an eight, but they said i was overweight. So as a seven, i cant drive a car, but i can ride a bicycle and eat in public without having my food taken away by the fat shaming commission, which ironically is a bunch of fat white men. If the white house thinks their restricted misogynist garbage will keep me from doing what i do, they got another thing comin back to you, trevor desi lydic, everybody im trevor noah i thought my accent would save me but nope look at my adorable rat dimples laughter you cant stop me oh. July 13, 2020. I dont feel good. Im not really sure why. I havent come in contact with anyone except for the rat i sleep under a tarp with. October 21, my sickness has passed. I do think ive lost some weight. Yep, im not officially an 8. That means i can vote. I can have dessert on saturdays and i can speak freely around men if i raise my hand. Right, trevor . Trevor . Trevor . Trevor . Oh, no oh, no trevor i miss my old life i had a house and a job i wasnt wearing kanye jedi clothes. I just realize im losing my mind no no, im fine. crying trevor desi why, trump . why . What do you mean ad break . Who is taking us to ad break . Its a private broadcast i dont want your doritos. Okay, i want your doritos. Well be right back. Bullying. In trumps america, its a real problem because not enough people are doing it. So do your part. Not the science book knock a science book out of a nerds hand or give a wedgie to a muslim kid and, remember, they cant fight back because bullying a bully is illegal. And what kind of a monster would do that . Now every l certified preowned lexus comes with an unlimitedmileage warranty up to six years. Another reason why its been awarded the best luxury certified preowned program. L certified. Exclusively at your lexus dealer. So wi got a job ews . Ill be programming at ge. Oh i got a job too, at zazzies. friends gasp the app where you put fruit hats on animals . I love that guys, ill be writing code that helps machines communicate. interrupting i just zazzied you. phone vibrates look at it friends giggle i can do dogs, hamsters, guinea pigs. You name it. Im going to transform the way the world works. proudly i programmed that hat. And i can do casaba melons. Ill be helping turbines power cities. I put a turbine on a cat. friends ooh and ahh i can make hospitals run more efficiently. This isnt a competition where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . Girl, where do you think youre going . carbonation fizz snow unleash a refreshing citrus kick. Do the dew. Trevor bleep . Oh youre still there thank you for sticking with us. That means you know how important this broadcast is. Or you havent figured out how to change to bravo to watch the real exhousewives of donald trump. How dare you wake me trevor jeff, is that you . Yeah. Trevor what are you doing here, man . I sleep here. What are you doing here . Trevor this is my old studio, jeff. This is so crazy, jeff ross sit down, man good to see you sit on the chair, jeff. Sit on the chair. Come on, jeff jeff ross i cant believe it the roast master general is you what the hell, man trevor what happened to you . You were working for trump. I had a great life as roast master general. Trump got elected and bumped me up to secretary of offense. I was writing insults for his twitter account and he fired me, said i wasnt mean enough. Trevor oh, man. What are you doing here . Youre black are you crazy . Its dangerous trevor i know, i should have left the country while i had a chance. I dont understand why you look so bad. What did you do . I thought as a white comedian you would have a good time with no black comedians out there. Comedy is illegal. You have to go underground. Cant write jokes. Though im writing one do you know why white people drive like this and black people dont exist . Trevor yeah, thats tough, man. You have a black person to wow. This is crazy, trevor. Times are tough. I dont know what youre doing, but im going to a roast later, if you want to come. Trevor a roast . A raccoon over an open fire pit. Trevor oh, man, i dont know where you have been living, i have been underground planning this pirate broadcast, but you look like you have been living a worst life, man. The worst thing about living underground is there is so much disease. Though on the bright side, the rats i bleep dont make me wear a condom. Trevor jeff, you know you dont have to have sex with rats, right . Help help me i want to die trevor please, give me your aids trevor what . I dont have aids, jeff. All black people have aids now, trevor. Get it checked out. Trevor thats a rumor the Trump Administration spreads. Its terrible out there, terrible trevor you have been living a tough life, my friend. I still do comedy. Kevin hart was at Comedy Central yesterday. Trevor hes still around . He killed a human and we ate the guy. Should have been there. Trevor im glad i wasnt. Comedy is over, wasting your time. Trevor the people need to go vote for what . Trevor food were all dying, Trevor Trevor thats why we have to vote. Trump let all the refugees in but only the hot once. Read his new boo book . Mine come offis bigger than yours . Trevor jeff, look at me. Im so hungry i just want to bleep eat your face trevor well be right back back i want to eat your jack knocked over a candlestick, onto the shag carpeting. And his pants ignited into flames, causing him to stop, drop and roll. Luckily jack recently had geico help him with renters insurance. Because all his belongings went up in flames. Jack got full replacement and now has new pants he ordered from banana republic. Visit geico. Com and see how affordable renters insurance can be. Something new has arrived. Uniquely designed for the driven. Introducing the firstever infiniti qx30 crossover. Visit your local infiniti retailer today. Infiniti. Empower the drive. Thats 7,671 moon rises, we created blue moon. 48 eclipses and a refreshing taste thats always stayed the same. Creatively inspired. Artfully brewed. Blue moon. alarm sounding hey, harvey, we know youre in there. Come out with your hands up trevor ive got to go. Please, people, get out and vote now here it is. Your moment of zen. President trump will open up his grand canyon golf course to all born here in the united states. Any truth to the claim youre a muslim with white face makeup . No, im chad smith. I was born in connecticut. My family is americanum. [cheers and applause]um. Chris its 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. Halle halloween, everybody [cheers and applause] chris its still halloween, our halloween show. These are all the monster mashes that were a graveyard smash today. Im Chris Hardwick. Sort of. Weve lost a lot of icons this year prince, vine, clippy and the mac startup sound yes, that timeless, bonnnnnnng will not longer greet you when you startup your new macbook pro. Farewell, bong sound. [laughing] playing taps without you, nobody in the starbucks will know that im about to start working on my screenplay thats what i do. Im working on one about a wizard that accidentally finds himself at coachella and has to use magic to get out of the dubstep tent. Comedians, now that the soothing startup sound is gone, whats a better sound to hear when you boot up your computer . Boom boom boom boom. Its a sample of steve jobs rolling over in his grave. [laughing] chris points. Oh.  chris april richardson. Im your only pal. Chris points. Attention public library, im about to start jerking off. Chris alright, points. Very good. Chris first up, national derelection. It looks like hillary cli