when on june 12, 2000 of the fourth year i was supposed to have a rehearsal of the play, which was called everything like people do. and with what wording did they try to take it away? and they had the same wording. and i didn’t want me to be in this theater. that's it, nothing more. in short, a person came to me who at that moment was the head of, well, then it was called the cultural department. these departments have not yet been completed and he said: on the table of lushkov, who at that time was the former moscow, there is a document about your removal, if you have time to do something, try, this it was a national holiday, it was the day of russia, june 12, i had an invitation to the kremlin for a reception and instead of attending, i asked trushkin to get better and i said lyon, can you move the run, i need to leave, he asked what happened, i say, later, i don’t want to now, i went, i... resolved this issue, but this scar on my heart remained with me for the rest of my life, i continue to communicate with these people, what a horror, i understand you, i i know, i never hear it in their ears, i don’t , i don’t remind them, they can’t help but understand that i remember this, it’s inconvenient for you, you even feel sorry for them. yes, well, maybe, maybe i’m sorry, because when i asked, i said, guys, you wanted to take it away, and what did you want to do there, they told me quite sincerely, we wanted to remove - all the rows in the hall, put tables and do it like a corporate... comedy room , well, yes, well, yes, but why did it have to kill the theater, uh, why not build another room then, do it, especially since i told them, i told them, guys, so that you don’t have it, this is the most important thing, so that you understand, an envious person, he doesn’t envy because you have it, but he doesn’t, he may have 100 times more, well, so that you don’t exist, and you know that you and i were both born illegitimately. i have a dash on my birth certificate, right? yes, my mother left, and now i can talk about it, all my life i was jealous and made up stories about my father, and i, well, he’s still alive, and i always wanted him to bite off his legs , it’s just that he didn’t raise a girl like me, his wife didn’t allow him there, you know, and i wanted, and i wanted to be better, more beautiful and for everyone to talk about. everyone said everything and he knows this all his life too, these are also my teachers, these are also teachers, i don’t need to pump myself up for a long time , i have everything here, like this, here, you understand, that’s why with you, well, it’s been with you for a very long time, because i i because i, as one person said, i’ve been living for a long time , i had reason to observe - the entire period of your appearance and your heyday and finest hour was all about illegality, that means.. the biggest shock for me was when at the beginning of the 21st century i found out that from 1975 to the end of 1982, i lived in the same house with my father, i didn’t know this naturally, but he knew, but how, he knew, but what, then one day he was no longer alive, i knew he had left, i was already at the variety theater, and the secretary said to me: you know, some woman, i really wanted to talk to you, she said that she was friends with your father, here she is i left my phone number, maybe you can call her, honestly, i started thinking, maybe i need something, she’ll ask, i didn’t want to call, then i thought, okay, i’ll call so that later i won’t... suddenly this woman says to me: you’ll forgive me for disturbing you, the fact is that i’m many years old, i’ll die soon, i have to tell you something, i was very friends with your father, me and my husband, we were your father’s closest friends, well, well, he loved you very much, i listen and think: he loved you so much that he never found me in his life, you didn’t know yet that you lived , no, it was all before she, and my mother, excuse me, already knew that he lived, my mother did not know and was never with him never met, never, never, she came to me, she’s not like that, but if she knew, she would have said, or it was a taboo, she wouldn’t have said it was a taboo topic, i have never asked my mother anything about him in my life, once, in 1980, i received an envelope, in this envelope there was a photograph, on the photograph, on the back of the photograph there was an inscription: in this photograph your father is as old as you are now, he was photographed in military uniform, this is the forty-fifth year the end of the war , it really was like that, he was on it the photo is 35 years old. then it turned out that it was his wife who put it in my mailbox, this envelope for me, my first reaction was even kind of disgusted, suddenly this woman tells me, you know, in general, he lived there with his wife, with two children, in your house, i call my friend, and i have already left there, i call him and say, you can go to the sixth floor, because they told me that i need to look at the apartment according to my desk, i lived on the fourteenth, but how this woman told me, he lived on the sixth floor, he says i'll call you now, he's gone. and says: there lived a family, a husband, a wife, both of them are no longer in the world, and there are two of their sons, that is, these are my half-brothers, these are not hers from a previous marriage, these are your blood, that is, from your father, from my father, well, it’s a step-by-step , she has a mother, then we have different different mothers, it ’s called blood, one mother, once half-brother, blood. that means, now, okay, then i find out that the younger one is not very healthy, i don’t know whether he’s alive now or not, he once threw himself under a train on the subway, this is the younger one, and the older one was really looking for me meetings, i thought it was 2010, i thought, well, we should probably meet , well, something like that, i said, you know what, come to the theater first, well, at least we’ll go through some steps, rapprochement, yes , after our conversation, there was a pause for several days, during which time i suddenly read an interview with him in some yellow newspaper, because he immediately became, uh, a star. star, they started interviewing him there, and he told very bad things about my mother. i read this, then there was a performance that he came to, i sat him down right in front nose, he was sitting in the first row, that is, i had the opportunity to sometimes glance, by the end of the performance i realized that i had nothing to talk to him about, i didn’t want to talk or communicate, nothing, okay, but he didn’t burst into the rattle room after, no, no, he didn’t burst in, maybe he understood what you read, no, no, i don’t know, but he started pressuring me through the media there, then, it means, suddenly, this woman, here who called, she told me that i was talking to her about something, she said: you know, tomorrow is your brother's birthday, it... was a summer month, i'm december, and it was some kind of, now i'll tell you, some july or august, like that, something like that, yes, july, probably , it’s his birthday tomorrow, i say, well, okay, i just have to tell you how he was born, i say, well , tell me, she says, mother, he held you in his arms, well, how many 7 months, 8 months. was not there, she came to him and began to present me to this woman, as material evidence, what a scumbag her husband is, after this story, the picture for i was turned 180°, i realized that this man had lived all his life under wild fear , which was caused... to him by this woman who gave birth to a child prematurely that night, she had contractions from stress, and apparently she did not forgive him until the end of my days, even when i had already moved into this house , and i was already in status, that’s it, i was already art, everything, she knew everything, and he knew, she sent me this envelope in the eightieth year, why took so long and boring... maybe a story, i don’t blame anyone, i’ve just become wiser over the years, in this sense, i’m not a judge of anyone, you a lawyer to everyone, yes, and a brother, i am not a judge to anyone , and even to those who wanted to take away the theater, although many of them continue to look into my eyes to this day, i look at them with regret, all the same, life is of course. yes, they will also finish this road, let everything be fine with them, i have nothing to share with them, i am a happy person, i lived my life in a lot of love, why should i complain, i can’t just have everyone adore me and kissed, from head to toe, well, that’s not...’ so that’s why sometimes, to say something to yourself know, i open it and think, you see some kind of nasty stuff, read it, then when i read it, i think, shame on you, why are you writing this, i close it, i think i should complain to larisa, larisa says, don’t read it this, and i’m listening, i think, if i hadn’t read, where would i now find so much... to tell about it, and which one do you like better today? yes, of course, of course, because i stopped being, i was very prickly, very, well, like that, well, because it was necessary, well, for me. you didn't have to survive, you, right away, you didn’t have - yes, you didn’t go through the middle of the stars, you didn’t go straight after your culinary genius student, you became a star overnight, just so i don’t forget, after covid, i’m actually a culinary engineering student - this is my kind of sexual male psychotype, because i can’t love a man physically, i can’t marry him, if i don’t feel sorry for him, i definitely need to. compassion and pity, i need to take care, there is so much mother in me, i probably should have had a dozen children if my mother was with me, so cool man, he doesn’t make me feel sensual, like absolutely nothing else. i don’t not love him, i need to take care of him, his legs turn gray, i need to cook him soup, which means he has a sick stomach, in the morning he has porridge in bed, then i love him physically, this culinary engineering student, this is just mine, here i am i would marry someone like that, and why am i saying this, because you immediately became a star and were loved by everyone, you didn’t have to knock on doors, you didn’t have to ask for television airtime there. it's still possible, it's possible still - 3 g of truth? can? well, of course , lord, this is an illusion that i have heard throughout my entire life, it is very pleasing to the ear, but now let’s operate with facts. so, i come, well, that’s it, thank god, i graduated from the educational institution , and among my teachers, among other things, i also have olga aleksanrovna, by the way, i taught on the course, her hope, yes, nadezhda brought her at the school, and olga aleksanna came herself and brought a messenger with her, and fate met me with the messenger when i was 15 years old, about stadium. after a football match he stood drunk in line for a taxi, oh, my god , i saw a live messenger, and i was with a friend who lived in the same house with me, and he asked, looking at us, if we wanted to go for a ride , well, from the dynamo stadium, and he... was driving along gorkovo, we got into the car, i’m just neither alive nor dead, some kind of messenger for, he, without turning his head, says, driving past one house, that in in this house lived his teacher, alexey deniz diki, such a famous soviet artist, director, and without turning his head. he told us: you approach this house, bow down to the memory of this one, then suddenly, he turns to my friend, and my friend was in puberty and his whole face was covered in bumps, and he doesn’t turn his head, he eats with the driver, because well, he’s a lot, he could drink a lot, in general, he was like that, he was talented, he was a very fantastic artist, suddenly he says, turning to my colleague, you’re crushing, well, he was so confused, he says, yes, he doesn’t turn around, his head, so looks straight, i press, he says without pause, you need it, you’re 15, several years have passed, and he comes to the school to teach, and he walks into the school, there is no one in the foyer, and he is alone, and he is a handsome man, and i run up, he is clearly drunk and says: “ you can buy something here somewhere, i say , here on pravda street there was a chic grocery store, yes, he gives me money, that means he gives me money, he says, go buy me a beer, and then they say: keep the change for yourself, i came to the actor’s house in 1998 , on his seventy-fifth birthday, came out and began telling the first lessons of the master, he sits, laughs, genka, says, i will kill you, i will kill you, don’t tell me, don’t tell me, and this recording is alive, it exists, hello, this is a podcast of the psyche and we, we continue to explore the depths of our underwater psychological worlds. the topic of today's podcast is no coincidence, because october is breast cancer awareness month. we will certainly defeat cancer, well, in every sense, we will win and in general we will defeat it, but sometimes it is very difficult to believe in it at the moment when you find out about your diagnosis, about how to survive cancer, about how to stay healthy, full of strength, energy and with a normal psyche, today we will speak from the heroine who is passing through right now. hello, hello, with my colleague, colleague in many ways, we will talk about this in a little more detail, this is anna tarubarova, journalist, oncologist and cancer educator, hello anna, i understand that you knew each other, online, yes, that is, you, yulia follows anna as a science blogger, now you are right here with us for the first time seeing each other, for the first time for the first time, yes, for the first time i heard yulia’s voice, usually i have all the ideas about girls exclusively. by correspondence, when i found out about my diagnosis, i immediately began to look for someone who had gone through a similar path, i found anna, she seemed very beautiful and strong to me, so i decided to write to her asking for help, i beat my cancer for more than 20 years ago, and my remission, thank god, has lasted for many, many years, although it should not have lasted so long and i should have been sitting here with you, but nevertheless, when... my doctor, who was not just an oncologist, but also an oncological psychologist, and then it was a big a rarity, she told me that you know, 10% depends on me, well, on her, as a doctor, and 90% is your mood, that’s why i would like to conduct our conversation today in this way, not just you know, in this way positive , everything will be fine, the three of us know that this path, it is so difficult, let’s be honest, in different ways. it happens, and it happens in different ways, but let's talk about the different fears that the patient, his relative, and society have to go through, this is fear number one, it seems to me, the most important thing that prevents us from being healthy is the fear of, well, a potential hypothetical diagnosis , the fear of saying the word cancer, yes, a three -letter word, that’s also such a super stereotype, well, yes, that’s why we have to say the word cancer if we do n’t , we will pronounce it like some words that have already taken root in our lives, and therefore i think that the taboo from this word needs to be removed, it seems to me that the taboo on oncology generally needs to be removed, that’s why the more people, those who actually survived this disease, will help other people and, well, you know, how little good one thing is, as if one did, another did, a third did, you won’t notice, it will become normal and not in the sense that the disease is normal, but help, awareness, and people will stop seeing this, they will stop thinking like i did that that’s it, i’m dying, right now, right immediately, and why did i think that, because well, what do you see, hollywood films, the main character dies from cancer, and you look, now by the way, i can do more to say that i watch these films with such a feeling, you know, i close my eyes like this, yes, because every time, every time, either he dies of cancer, or she dies of cancer, and this is certain, this is this there’s this bald head, there’s this wild weight, you know all this, around this there’s growing this cocoon of some kind of sinisterness, and people are watching it, it’s kind of like a movie, and it can even end well, but they have it in their subcortex that cancer means bald heads, death, suffering, pain, horror, and there is no cure. that there is, well, since this is an american film, therefore, well, if they didn’t cure her there, it won’t be cured here by itself , cancer phobia in society has just some off-scale boundaries, have you ever thought about it, that is, the person doesn’t go to be examined, because he is afraid to find out if he has something there, it’s not even a diagnosis, you know, as if it’s something bad, something bad, and thereby delays the start of treatment, if there is one. yes, this is basically what you have to fight with, and when i did it personally coming told me about my diagnosis on social networks, i was in no hurry with this, i probably had some kind of journalistic approach in the first place, because after the diagnosis i spent about a month searching for words to tell not that oh, karau, something so terrible happened to me, no, but i did coming first of all in order to... tell people that this happens, and that now we are together we will walk this path. people knew me there as a journalist, as a mother, as traveler, this happens to me ... history, here we see you, yes, this is apparently a period of chemistry, right? this is already when the chemistry is completed, this is the kiwi period, that’s what i call this period, this is the beginning of chemotherapy, here i am fresher, here i like that i am so bald, fashionable, but, in fact, i wasn’t worried, and why i decided to tell , in order for people to go get examined, because i was the person who didn’t even have an idea that, it turns out, we need to do an ultrasound, it turns out there is. mutations that congenital, that cancer is not an offense against men, yes, a very popular story, if on this side, on the right, yes, you have breast cancer, the first thing anyone writes to you is that you are probably offended by some man, and here there is an offense on parents, this is such a popular interpretation of psychomatic - various evidence -based concepts, when, because here we cannot just, you know, take now to zero out the entire layer of science, which also speaks about the stressful nature of some. oncological diseases, but how do our people interpret it, yes, of course, it’s a different story, but everything is clear for me, i can directly cover the ace and say, i was born with a mutation, which means that i have an eighty percent chance of getting cancer, everything is like mine, sisters, mutant sisters, well, look, here there is, on the one hand, a person’s fear that he may get sick, and the fear of finding out the diagnosis, and the other option is oncophobia, this is oncophobia of society, now there is no such mystical horror in society of a cancer patient, that is, if 20 years ago you they said in all seriousness, listen, somehow already in remission, when you go to get a job, please don’t say that you had cancer, you’re getting married, don’t tell it, not to your husband, god forbid a relative, but what yes, well, it’s true, what a nightmare, and when asks, why say something, and so, well, there are no arguments, but some internal means, such an obstacle, but what does the matter look like now, now, f
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