>> really >> yeah. >> hard? >> yeah. >> just like this? >> yeah. and the person that i was with, my ex-husband at the time, he would have to stop me. >> what were you thinking when you did that? >> i felt -- >> crazy? >> i didn't feel crazy. i just felt very unattractive. i didn't like who i was. i didn't like the way i looked. but once again all of this stemming from, you're not right. this is how you should be. you're not good enough this way. you're not worthy. you're fraudulent. whatever the case is. all of that building and accumulating to this point in my life. and that went on for a good while. >> did you ever feel suicidal at all? >> no, no. >> never got that bad for you? >> no. no. there may be an instant of -- but no, not like that. not like that.