Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20121127 : vimarsana.

A ground offense any afghanistan. Whole different type of surge. laughter well, folks, this explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion. Meaning we can now say with some certainty that dora concerns goodwin banged abraham lincoln. I mean just listen cheers and applause stephen just listen to what she said on my show last week. Its sexy, dont you think . Stephen you mean lincoln or danielday lewis. Was lincoln sexy . I think so and ive been saying it for years but everybody thought i was crazy. Stephen you Pulitzer Prize winning whore laughter once again, my apologies to doris kerns goodwin, she is a great lady, no one should ever say that about her. laughter but folks, i too have a painful admission to make. You see, i am the author of two glowing books about myself. I am america, and so you can. And the new america again, rebecome the greatness we never werent. Its a bestseller. Makes a great christmas gift. applause stephen and folks, its time for me to come clean. I had an improper relationship with my biographer laughter spent a lot of time alone with the author of these booksment theres with a connection and lets just say he got a little handsy. And i did thinks things i never thought i would do. But have been doing for decades. laughter im sorry. Now folks, even i can sometimes get a story wrong. For example last week i said the three branches of government were executive, judicial and santa maria. It, in fact, shemp. laughter now i also said that super pac would be 9 deciding factor in the 2012 election. I might have even founded one, Colbert Super pac. I dont know if you remember our motto, making a better tomorrow tomorrow stephen wow, im surprised. I didnt really make that big of a deal of it. laughter you see me and everybody else who had a super pac thought we were playas. Well, turned out we were scrubbed. Jim . You had the super pacs spending literally billions of dollars, billions of dollars to defeat the president while the president was reelected. Seems like people like karl rove and others who took a lot of money for the super pacs rove was in denial but you can understand why. His american crossroa crossroads according to some Foundation Just 1. 29 of that money went to candidates who actually won. 1. 29 . You know some of the guys that he took money from are casino owners. They know guy with flat knowses and brass knuckles who going to want to be known what happened with the money. Stephen karls in big trouble. laughter theyre going to take his thumbs and karl is almost all thumbs. laughter applause nation cheers and applause stephen and nation, i took a lot of money for my super pacment and my 501 c 4 Colbert Super pac shh which stands for shh. Money from some anonymous scary donors. Thats not pixel ated, thats his face. And folks im scared. I think i was followed to the studio tonight. And i personally dont knows whats going to what was that . Oh my god, theyre trying to kill me. How did they find out i work at the colbert report . laughter listen, fellas, i didnt waste your money. Running a super pac is expensive. We have legitimate cost. We had handling costs and legal fees. And the biggest expense, almost 90,000 of it was for the commercials the super pac ran while i was kinda sorta running for president of south carolina. I wasnt even charging the super pac then. Jon stewart was. This is the guy you want, not me cheers and applause jon you son of a pitch youre not pinning this on me, brother. Stephen im not take the fall, jon. You had control of the super pac. Jon for a week stephen you bought a zeppelin. Its a very important meetings downwind. I was just following your orders stephen in a noncoordinated way. Jon yes, of course, noncoordinated, completely. Stephen well now theyre going to kill one of us, jon. Jon they want a head on a platter stephen wait. A head on a platter . laughter then lets give them. Jon the ham. Stephen yes. Ham rove. cheers and applause the trusted and salted advisor. Jon what are you waiting for, kill him stephen why dont you do it . Jon i cant do it, its not kosher. laughter applause stephen fine, fine. Im sorry, ham rove. One of us is dead meat and you already are. Gah, gah, gah gah, gah gah jon i was never here cheers and applause oh, these hands, oh these hands are coming covered in ham juice. Oh my god, oh my god i need a lawyer. Please welcome former fcc chairman general counsel for the mccain 2008 campaign and my personal lawyer trevor potter, trevor, thank you so much for coming. cheers and applause stephen trevor, trevor, trevor. First of all, first of all, trevor, i just killed my chief strategist. Can you get me off . As far as i know its not illegal to stab a ham. laughter stephen welcome to obamas america. laughter all right, trevor, trevor, im scared, okay. Ive got a super pac and a f 01 c 4 Colbert Super pac shh. And i took money from some scary guys. And i just want out of the game. He want to get out of the super pac business. I can close down my super pac. Sure, you can do that. Stephen okay, but ive got a lot of money in there, almost 800,000. I would like to keep that money. What can i do with it . Well, you can use it for any legal purpose. You could even write yourself a check for that whole amount. Stephen i like that. The only problem is that everyone will know because if you report that on the fec report for the super pac. Stephen but thats no fun at all. The whole point of having a super pac is secret money, using it anyway you want, trevor. Is there any way, and i know is crazy, these might be the mad ramblings of a sieve litic brain. But hear me out, can i somehow give the money to myself and thereby hide it forever from all eyes and use it in a way that i wish . Actually, you can. Stephen i knew it. Okay wa, do we have to do . What what do we got to do . Well, you know your 501 c 4. Stephen Colbert Super pac shh. Is the secret money. Stephen okay. So we are want to you transfer the money from your super pac over to your 501 chad and what well do is what the tax lawyers call an Agency Letter which simply means you write a letter that tells the c4 exactly what to do with the money. And if you do that, the irs doesnt consider it to have been the c4s money. And it doesnt end up on the tax return. Stephen it goes from my super pac into a 501 c 4 reasons right, now since everyone knows the name of your c4. What we thought it would be bet per if we created a whole new anonymous c4 so that the first one transfers the money to the second one, and the second one which you will also run then disperses it. That way were sure nobody can trace it. Stephen so i write a check from my super pac to my 501 c 4 to my second secret 501 c 4 and because i sent a letter along the way saying here is what i want you two guys do it neither i nor me nor me is responsible for what happens with the money. Thats right. Stephen i love america. laughter cheers and applause so let me see if i can make clear whats happening. I have got a 501 c 4 called sol better super pac shh. I take the money from the super pac, a pass it through the 501 c4. laughter into a second unnamed 501 c4. I place all the money inside that second unnamed 501 c4 and through the magic of your lawyering and the present federal tax code, after i close it and lock it that money is gone forever and no one ever knows what happened to it . Youll know but nobody else will. cheers and applause stephen well, trevor what about the irs. Dont they get to know everything . Well, the nice thing about the Agency Letter is the legal fiction here is that the c4 never received the money and never spent it. So your new secret nameless c4 will send a postcard to the irs with its tax return on it. Stephen but there is no money indicated on this. Thats right there are no numbers because it never had any money even though it went right through it. Stephen so what do i have to tell even the irs about what happened with this money . Nothing. Stephen well, trevor thanks for nothing. Trevor potter, everybody. cheers and applause well be right back. ; ; ; ; m9m9n9n9n9n9n9n9n9 cheerses plaus. Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Thank you so. Nation, christmas may be 43 days away but it is never too early to get your shopping done. In fact, i did mine in 1986. Kids youre going to love your new tandy 102 portable computer now with Spring Loaded key. Its like your words are shouting at you. But with christmas right around the corner the secular scrooges have launched their latest blitzkrieg on grinchitude. cheers and applause stephen folks for me christmas is all about tradition. Trim the tree, wrap the presents, hang the stocks, untangle the light, wash my hands 17 times, retaej the lights and write a letter to santa asking for more ocd medication. Folks one of the most cherished traditions of christmas is reading the classic twice the night before christmas. But now thats over. In this version of it was the night before christmas is getting some holidayer. , a visit from st. Nicholas the jolly old elf kissed his pipe habit cold turkey. Editing out two verses about smoking. The versus the pipe he held tight and the spoken circled his head like a wreath. Stephen santa cant quit smoking. He needs that vice. You try dealing with the stress of delivering the worlds toys in a single night. Were lucky hes not doing a pa rum pumpum bump off blitzens ass. Besides, Secondhand Smoke is how santa stunts those kids growth. Even worse, folks, a note from santa on the book back says his further is fake. How dare you paint santa as some kind of hippie dippie peta. He earned that fur by bagging himself an a bomb i hadable showman. Folks, this Political Correctness must be stopped. Sure, it starts with no smoking and fake fur. Before you know it were dissing high fat milk and cookies, living on kale chips and coconut water. Mark my words santa is going to stop giving naughty kids coal and start giving them compact for es florescent bulbs because if they can take away santas smoking they can take away all his bad habits. They will cut off his egg nothing, make him lose weight and no more saturday nights with his hohoho. s be right back. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is here to talk about his new documentary about the dust bowl. If he brings the grape, ill bring the wrath. Please welcome ken burns. cheers and applause hey, ken, good to see you. Thanks so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. Stephen all right, we have a melange of documentaries. We do. Stephen lets see, oscar nominated nominated emmy award documentary, civil war, jazz, prohibition, two dualaries now, the central park 5 with your daughter and some you made, and that will be in theatres november 23rd. And the dust bowl which will air in two parts on november 19th and 18th, not in that order. Thats right. Stephen on pbs. Lets tuck about the dust bowl first. I hear a lot about the dust bowl, okay. How big of a deal was it . How big of a thing was it. This is the worst manmade ecological catastrophe in american history, a ten year apocalypse that not only killed crops and cattle but peoples children as well. This was not just a handful of storms but hundreds of storms that would move dirt all the way from oklahoma and the panel panhandle of texas and kansas and colorado, new mexico all the way east, Franklin Roosevelt went like this and had oklahoma in his fingertips and the next day shipped at sea was covered with the patina of dust. One storm moved more dirt in one 24 hour period than it took to excavate the panama canal, ten years of excavation. Stephen okay, how do we know this is manmade, okay . The science is not in on the dust bowl. Thats right. Stephen okay why is this manmade. This is manmade because this was natural grass land, buffalo grass, short grass that went five feet below the surface to hold the moisture and keep the topsoil against the ever present winds and arid semi desert climate. And when we tore up a section greater than the state of ohio, bigger than the allimportant state of ohio, if blew. Stephen everything politics. Everything politics. Stephen i have been to oklahoma, its fines there, a beautiful place. It is a beautiful place. Stephen so it fixed itself. Nature fixes itself it is all done. It took a lot of things to happen. The government comes in, they buy back some land. They replant grass lands they plant hundreds of millions of trees. They pay farmers not to grow for the first time. They tell them how to rotate their crops, how to plow better. Stephen this is just Big Government telling Small Business what to do. Exactly. And this was a very independent area of the country that begged the government to come in and help them out of this. Because at someone says in our film, when your back is up against the wall, ideology goes out the window and they invited the Roosevelt Administration in. And we would have said that oklahoma was a red state, it became a blue state for a long time and now its a red state. Stephen well, actually the democrats are praying for another dust bowl to get it become ba. You have another documentary that you made with your daughter and some called the central park five. Okay, that releases in theatres november 23rd. These are five kids who what, 1989. 1989. Stephen they confessed to a rape in central park. So they go into the park and they are fooling around with a lot of other kids. The cop as rest a few of them. They are going to release them to their parents and they discover this jogger brutally raped in another part of the park. They think these kids might have something to do with it. They call if a lot of kids but these kid had never been in trouble before, these five. And they didnt know about miranda. They didnt have their parents most of the time. And the cops interviewed them for 30 hours and said look, we know you didnt do t are you a good kid, but this guy ken is saying you did it, if you say he did we will let you go home. Stephen why would why would you say that. Because you wanted to go home. 13 years later when they serve out the full sentences the real rapist came forward, admitted what he had done. The dna matched. They hadnt had a dna match. Stephen you have five kids, you know who confessed to a crime. What they supposed to do not throw them in jail. They confessed they immediately. Stephen how much does your liberal bleeding heart a juror held out for ten days but everybody was coping on him hes decide wanted to go home so then their convictions get vacated. Robert morgen thal, the District Attorney reinvestigates and says all these mistakes were made. If we knew then what we knew now we wouldnt even have charged them and the kids launch a civil suit against the city. Stephen theyre suing. The kids are suing, 50 million a piece. Thats right. The city is asking you for your notes and for your outtakes of your video. You wont give them to them. What are you hiding . I dont think after ten years of stalling knowing that we did these interviews three years ago, knowing that we asked every six months for them, the cops and the prosecutors to come forward and be in our film and they refused, sometimes didnt honor us with the courtesy of a returned phone call all of a sudden we go to the can nes Film Festival and opening thee atically, suddenly they want our outtakes and notesment i dont think the government, and i thought, i was certain you would agree with this, that the government would want to intrude in the lives of the journalists or a filmmaker doing their job. And so we told them what they could do with their subpoena. cheers and applause stephen all right. Ken, thank you for being here. Ken burns. The dust bow stephen well, thats it for the show, everybody. And thats it for the super pac. We hope youve enjoyed it. It certainly shocked us. Good night. cheers and applause