Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20121205 : vimarsana.

cheers and applause jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Here it is, your moment of zen. Genderneutral easy bake oven all because her little brother wanted one. Because he likes to cook and he likes to bake but its like they only have boys in the commercial so i want to play a little soundbite of tha captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captions ready to go captions ready to go captioning sponsored by captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing laughter the colbert report the the colbert report laughter the the colbert report cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen folks audience chanting stephen cheers and applause folks, with an army like you behind me, i think we can storm the moranin. Folks, it is night two of how about week or as they say in the black tong of mordor, tuesday. laughter im just enjoying some of the pipe weed that sir ian mckellan left in his dressing room. laughter pretty good. Not as good as the stuff that Willie Nelson leaves behind. laughter still, wizardy weed is good for one thing. Check this out. Not bad, eh. Save that for later. Last night, gandalf the gray asked me to join him on the adventure and tonight it is the lead character of bilbo gag agains. Martin freeman. How exciting, his father morgan must be so proud. laughter more on martin later but now, folks, i always go from the gut because my gut is the largest single organ in my body next to my balls. laughter sorry, prostate, maybe next exam. laughter but now Scientists Say that the older you get the less you can trust your gut. We all have a natural suspicion in our brains, right . It warns us when somebodys not trustworthy or trying to rip us off. You can feel it. But researchers say we get less skeptical as we get older. Heres the bad news it starts in your mid50s. As we get older we lose the ability to determine who or what is untrustworthy. Shelley taylor, the lead researcher says people basically as they age lose that gut feeling that, hey, somethings wrong here. Stephen who whod have thought that elderly fox news viewers would be more susceptible to misinformation. cheers and applause now, folks, my 50s are years and two years away. laughter but i want to protect myself against becoming gullible. Fortunately a man on t. V. Is selling me a miracle cure that will keep me Young Forever its called andro gel and its for treating something called low t, a Pharmaceutical Company recognizing millions of men with low testosterone previously known as getting older. laughter this testosterone supplement was originally available in the near 1 concentration, or as i call it, man milk skim. laughter but last night when i was watching cnns prime time lineup of ads for ensure and selflubricating catheters laughter by the way, great way to deliver ensure right to the needed areas. laughter i heard the great news. Presenting androgel 1. 62 . It raises your testosterone levels and its concentrated so you can use less gel. Stephen what an incredible break through i dont know how it works or what it does but now i can use less of it laughter the best part is this highly concentrated male sex hormone doesnt have one side effect it has dozens of them. Serious side effects include worsening of enlarged prostate, increased risk of Prostate Cancer, lower sperm count, swelling of ankles, feet, or body. Stephen so, fellas, keep an eye out for any swelling here, here, or here. laughter and that is not all that it is doing for you. Men with Breast Cancer or who have or might have Prostate Cancer and women who are and may become pregnant or are breastfeeding should not use it. Stephen so youre fine as long as you dont have cancer, will never get cancer, are not pregnant, might become pregnant, or came into this world via pregnancy. laughter folks, never doubt androgels potency, because the side effects arent just for you, theyre for anyone near you discontinue androjell and call your doctor if you see unexpected signs of early puber any a child or signs in woman which may include changes in body hair. Stephen now that sounds scary. That sounds scary but if your sixyearold girl gets too close to the androgel, dont worry, you havent lost a daughter, youve gained a cousin it. laughter now because its so powerful, the makers of androgel have produced a video to show you how to safely contain the hormone chernobyl that will be your bathroom. This is dave, he has hypogonadism. Stephen and that is one of the least popular forms of gonadism. laughter okay, got to do something about that. So what do you do, dave . I apply it early in the morn while everybody else is still sleeping. Stephen evidently you should apply it when your family is unconscious. You cant get them in their dreams but let me ask you, dave, what if i spill some . If any excess gel comes out when im priming i wash it away down the sink to avoid accidental exposure to others. Ill avoid exposing it to others by letting it flow into my towns water supply. laughter and were done. Once you finish applying it, i rinse down the bottle and wash my hands with soap and water. Always be sure to rinse off the sink handles. Stephen okay, so ill watch the androgel, then wash myself, then wash everything that washed everything else. laughter or you know what . It might be simpler to keep a bucket of french sink handles around. laughter but folks, say its a small price to pay because now with the androgel, im all jacked and have the sex drive of a 25yearold and im ready to thrill my wife. If a woman or child comes into contact with the application area, that area on the woman or child should be washed well with soap and water right away. Stephen okay, no contact with women. No big deal, as long as youre careful androgel can still be just the thing you and your lady need to rekindle that old fire in the bedroom. laughter but its foreplay. Foreplay. The point is this mass marketed easily spread endo cin toxin is now available in 1. 6 20 . Your balls will thank you for it. Seriously. They may gain the power of speech. laughter but men arent the only ones who need help in the hormone zone because according to the American Psychiatric association 11 to 41 of women suffer from a condition known as female orgasmic disorder. You heard that right. 11 to 41 . laughter so this is either very rare or completely normal. laughter the point is, where i am doing sex wrong. Now, this orgasmic disorder is what i call low o trademarked. And, folks, this may come as a shock. But big pharma has a profitable answer for that, too. Women who have trouble reaching orgasm during sex could soon get help, believe it or not from a nasal spray. They might also get help from that guys mustache. laughter so what is this miracle product . Its called tesina. Women would spray two pumps in each nostril about two hours before sex. Its expected to work for up to six hours. Stephen yes, its good for up to six hours, although men are not. laughter so basically if a few minutes of intimacy followed by five and a half hours of highly erotic scrapbooking. laughter so just whats in there thats so good for women . Its a nasal gel that delivers a dose of testosterone directly to the brain. Stephen its testosterone so its just androgel you shoot straight into your brain so, ladies, dont be surprised if your prefrontal lobe sprouts a handlebar mustache. laughter so get tefina, ladies. If you cant afford a prescription, just tell your husband not the rinse out the sink. Well be right back. cheers and applause . n . n . n . n . nz cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, if you watch this show you know i am a patriotic american who takes a moment each day to savor George Washington handing the limemys their crumpets at yorktown hay, brits, sit on this so i mean it with every fiber of my irish being when i say kate is preggers. Oh, my god thats beautiful. You are my queen laughter and the next six months are going to be so exciting. I wonder what theyll name it. If its a boy will they go with Arthur George Edward William . Because you can make a strong case for William Arthur edward george. laughter so that might be a little too edgy. Hed get teased by his schoolmates slash subjects. If its a girl theyd have to honor williams mother so she might be named Princess Diana bleep camilla. laughter of course bleep , bleep , bleep camilla. Hope im pronouncing that correctly. Of course even kate the great is only human and elegant angelic human whose effortless grace is a beacon to the world. laughter this is starting out as a bit of a bumpy ride. The duchess of cambridge is in this hospital still suffering from what were told is acute morning sickness. Its morn like morning, noon, and night sickness. Its extreme vomiting during pregnancy. Stephen now this morning sickness probably means shell restrict herself to a bland diet otherwise known as food in england. laughter well, as you know, folks, after a series of etiquette lessons with British Royal observer hugo vicars, i was invited to will abdicates gala wedding in the sense that they did not know i was hiding in the pipe organ. laughter well, folks, i have a treat for you tonight because thanks to my close personal relationship with the royal family i was able to score an exclusive phone call with the duchess of cambridge herself. Please welcome kate middleton, everybody cheers and applause welcome. Welcome, duchess. It really is an honor. You are carrying the heir to the british throne. You must feel radient. dry heaving stephen and i must ask and i hope this isnt outofbounds do you and will know yet if its a Little Prince or princess. vomiting stephen its like a fairy tale tale lets talk maternity fashions. Who will you be wearing as you approach the big day . violent vomiting and heavy breathing stephen i love the pageantry. Well thank you for your time, your highness, kate middleton, everybody. cheers and applause she makes everything magical. laughter well, you heard it here, folks, this years hot look will be dry heaving. And i for one cannot wait to get princess kates commemorative barf bags. Well be right back. cheers and applause uae e e e iki÷z÷za cheers and applause stephen welcome back everybody. My guest tonight plays the titular role in the movie the hobbit. Please welcome martin freeman. cheers and applause hey martin, good to see you again. Thank you so much. Thank you. Stephen sit down, is this yours . No, it was placed there. Stephen well, lets get rid of that. It could be poisoned, were in a fantasy world. Thank you so much for coming on. Thanks for having me. Stephen now youre bilbo. Have you seen the films . Because i have. Ive seen it twice. Stephen well, youre one up on me. Plus youre in it. I am in it. laughter stephen you also youre also well known as tim from the original office. cheers and applause and dr. Wattson from sherlock. cheers and applause and now bilbo. Isnt that a burden that you are playing these iconic characters . Did you ever feel like any one of them was going to trap you . I think i thought that about tim for a while. Definitely, yeah. Because for a few years that followed i mean, the thing is late me state for the record im proud of the office, im proud of that part, i love the show. But for a few years i was wishing people would stop shouting tim at me in the street. Stephen theyre going to shout bilbo at you. Yeah. Stephen what part is there they say im not an actor, i dont know anything about actors. But youre an actor. Is there some part of bilbo that has to be true to you . Like what is your bilbo . My bilbo is its kind of its all of us. What i imagine or hope all of us to be, which is basically a peaceloving person who doesnt want trouble in his life who is wrenched out of his situation on to an adventure where he might have to kill or be killed. Which i my most of us would be quite scared of. Stephen right, right. But in some ways youre kind of you went through sort of a bilbo experience with this film because you went down they already shot lord of the rings is this poisond . Stephen i make no guarantees. laughter well see how the interview goes. laughter i went down there. I know you did. Stephen i went down last year. And i missed you. Stephen i know, just barely, like by a day. I think i was still on christmas or was it during. Stephen it was summertime. laughter i believe christmas is in august i came back and my massage therapist angela said you had been laughter thats how i got down there. Angela brought me a note on the hobbit stationery that said come have fun. And did i. I heard you won a tolkien quiz against philippa, who is a big tolkien head. Stephen Peter Jackson came up me at a party from the dwars and he said there was going to be a geekoff. Stephen and you won. Stephen i did i said to philippa right before i started i said prepare yourself because i am like an athlete who has trained his entire life for a race he never knew was coming. laughter but its against you, baby. It was fantastic, she was gracious in defeat. Now i i did you read the books growing up . Because im a fanatic about lord of the rings. I didnt. I became acquainted with middle effort as an adult in the runup to doing it. I knew the films. Very, very much enjoyed the films, thought they were brilliant but i wasnt are you bored . No, not at all. Not at all. I was just bringing up i was bringing you up here. Stephen oh, were you . Because you didnt read the book as a child but you are a childs toy. Thats you. laughter theres a lego you now. There is, but also if you turn his head there is a scared me. laughter thats me laughter stephen fantastic. So that has as many facial actions as i have as martin in real life. It almost outacts me. Stephen it has your emotional range. The full a to b, yeah. Stephen but this is the level for fame. Youre a very famous guy. We all know this, yes. cheers and applause stephen but are you prepared for this kind of adulation and lets call it Market Penetration . That was one of the proudest days of my life. On the last day of shooting we were all given our own lego figures. It was great. That was honestly one of the highlights for me. The fact that im lego, jesus. laughter stephen is there a lego legolas . laughter yes, but hes a legless lego legolas. cheers and applause stephen you and Benedict Cumberbatch who plays sherlock in sherlock. Have you started shooting the next season yet . No, we start in march. Stephen get on the stick, okay . Some of us cannot wait for the rest of it. Thanks. Stephen youre the main character of bilbo and he is the big special effect dragon. Do you guys debate over who has the better part . laughter well, its a very good part. Stephen drag gones are inherently sexy. Hobbit cans hold their own. Youre in rivendale, did you see that . Its beautiful. Can i ask in . Is this kosher . How did you get this . Stephen are you asking me whether i have violated International Copyright infringement and should new line come after me in a lawsuit . In so many words. Stephen thank you for joining me. Martin freeman. The movie is the hobbit. Xpctiiko d 2qxdp8 l,x5