Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20121211 : vimarsana.

Audience. Thats our show. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. Here with reaction author columnist eric rush civil rights attorney, radio talk show host you dont even have the decency not to interrupt somebody you are an embarrassment, sir. Shut up. Please shut captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Come on. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause thank you so much. Please, sit down. Folks, folks as a great lady once said we got to hang out. Well, merry christmas, everybody. As with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. I have candy cane columns back there. I have my two big balls right down here. I have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly. laughter but lets not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just mentioned it right now. laughter youre welcome, jews. Okay, thats called the colbert bump. Speaking of me, everyones speaking of me. South carolina senator jim demint is stepping down, so guess whos stepping up as a possible candidate, stephen colbert. cheers and applause within hours after the announcement he set up a colbert for Senate Web Site and established a twitter account, colbert for se. I want to put pie vote in for stephen right now. She should give him serious consideration. God knows the u. S. Senate could use stephen colbert. There is already a twitter page, a draft colbert web site. I can tell you having done a show with him in charleston, he is an absolute rock star in that state. cheers and applause stephen yes, i am a rock star in South Carolina and not just because i ended my rally there with herman cain by biting the head off a dove. Its a local delicacy. laughter Stephen Lovely with a side of palms. They love me in the palmetto state because i love it. I love the beaches. I love the mountains. I love the beautiful old estates that have no negative historical connotation whatsoever. Of course not everybody is happy about my imminent appointment. For instance the atlantic called my vastly overqualified. And nbc. Com said senator stephen colbert, perhaps not as crazy as senator jim demint. What . I am at least as crazy as jim demint. He wanted to ban gay teachers from the classroom. I want to ban teachers from the classroom. laughter with their knowledge agenda. I say let the free market decide what the atomic weight of carbon is. But mi the clear, mi the clear first choice here, folks. First of all the good people at Public Policy polling, publicly policy polled south carlinians today and found that of the possible replacements, i top South Carolina voters wish list with 20 supporting me. cheers and applause stephen yeah. 20 , thats a half. Now my Network Contract prohibits me from taking on another fulltime job, so the senate would be perfect. laughter but we must, of course, honor the democratic process here, wherein one person picks whoever they want. Now the last thing i want to do is put any pressure on Governor Haley, or try to influence her decision, not that that would work. She has the wisdom of salomon, the courage of lincoln, and the balls of margaret thatcher. laughter okay. But hotter, really hotter. I certainly dont want this Senate Appointment to turn into another blagojevich scandal where, and im just spit balling here, an ambitious wouldbe senator with a secret stash of nearly a million completely untraceable former super pac dollars uses that money to buy political influence by transferring all of it to a shadowy fund located if the Governors State of South Carolina that no one would be able to trace. laughter that would be horrible if that came out. Which it wouldnt because like i said, its impossible to trace. laughter of course i cant be held responsible if other people try to influence her like the nearly 12,000 of you who lobbied for my appointment by tweeting nikki haley which then forced the goff they are to respond on her Facebook Page writing stephen, thank you for your interest in south car line u. S. Senate seat and the thousands of tweets you and your fans sent me but you forget one thing, my friend, you didnt know our state drij, big, big mistake. Now shes referring here to her appearance on my show back in april. I couldnt name South Carolina state drink which is milk, they must have changed it because when i was a child it was a big gulp full of grain alcohol and hic. laughter now the lamestream media is saying nikki haley has shut the door on my senate bid. That is ridiculous. Because if getting a south car linia trivia fact wrong disqualifies you for office then nikki haley would have step down after saying this. Whats the state amphibian. Hmm. Stephen oh, how does it feel when the spike shoe is on the other foot . Its the spotted salamander. Oh. You know the state dish, governor . Its revenge. Best served cold with a side of salamander milk. laughter so nation, do to the give up the fight. Keep tweeting Governor Haley why i would make an ideal senator using the hashtag spotted salamander. laughter or, or governor, governor you can end this by coming on my showandtelling me your decision in person. Or we could meet somewhere more convenient, like my senate chambers. Because i will remember who my friends are. Now folks, since the brutal president ial election there has been a lot of soulsearching going on at fox news. An i am confident that they vent allly will find one. Now eventually will find one. Now while many people have called fox news an organ of the Republican Party t was not fox newss fault that republicans lost. It was this guy. It was shoot, whats his name. I know dont help me, done help me. Mop squeegee. laughter fox news chairman and goblin King Roger Ailes wanted somebody else as the Washington Post recently reported in the spring of 2011 ailes asked a fox news analyst headed to afghanistan to pass on his thoughts to general david petraeus, resign from the military and run for president. And ailes wasnt just encouraging petraeus to run, he put a serious offer on the table. Which was secretly taped i assume, by Paula Broadwell hiding under the table. laughter listen petraeus respond to ailes offer. Tell him if i ever ran, but i wont, but if i ever ran i would take him up on his offer. Okay, all right. He would quit fox. All right. And bankroll it or maybe im confused and that was rupert. I think one is bankrolling it. Big boss is bankrolling it. Rogg certificate going to run and the rest of russ going to be here inhouse. Stephen okay so, if petraeus ran for president murdoch would pay for it, ailes would manage it, and fox news would sell it though their audience. Now if you think about it, a news network choosing the candidate sounds like a conflict of interest. So dont think about it. Because its not really about conflict of interest. Ailes said he did it because the republican field needed to be shaken up. So it was really just worried about casting his reality show. As a tv producer ailes was trying to avoid a repeat of 2008 when republicans nominated this cranky old guy who how to make a star. Like watching a matlock marathon about who killed the economy. They couldnt save the john mccain show even by making his running mate honey boo boo. laughter now unfortunately, i think thats who that is. cheers and applause stephen honey boo boo, a dollah makes me holda. Now unfortunately, petraeus turned down roger ailes, i assume, to spend more time not making eye contact with his family. But folks, that does not mean ailes shouldnt try this again in 2016 or that other networks should. I mean msnbc has already picked their guy. I say laughter i say it is time, lets just give a e a shot. They can choose one of those folks on hoarders. Nothing gives a candidate Historical Perspective quite like saving every newspaper since 1932. And you want a candidate with military experience . The food network can nominate a red velvet cupcake. After all, its been to war. Now ailes has since said that the whole offer was really more of a joke. But you know it makes me think, why cant a Comedy Network put up a candidate for president . Or cheers and applause stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause stephen or at the very least get him appointed to the u. S. Senate. Well be right back. cheers and applause hs stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a grammy winning jazz pianist. I will interview her in the key of me. Please welcome diana krall. applause good to see you. Whooo how are you . Really good, thanks. Stephen all right, how you have been . Really well, thanks. Stephen thanks for coming on. Thank you for having me. A big fan of yours. Stephen im a fan of yours too. Even though i dont always understand jazz. Yeah. Stephen okay. Some you dont play the kind of jazz you need a ph. D for, do you . Because there is some jazz that just i have an honorary ph. D but it is not a real ph. D. Jon . Stephen i have an honorary ph. D there fine art toots. Dow. I feel so guilty with those people walking by without did the hard work. Stephen cruel. Okay, now your new album is a bit of a depar ture. Its called glad rag doll. Yeah. Stephen what is different about this album than previous albums of yours . Different musician, different producer, tbone burnett. And no standards at all. Just old songs from the 1920s that i found on 78 records. Stephen where did you first hear these. On 78 record, growing up. Stephen so you were a child of the 19. Yes, i was. Stephen you look fantastic for a 90yearold woman. Well, you know, i dressed up like groucho marx for halloween. I was really into the marks brothers. And my aunt was involved in 20s and my dad collected records and i thought everybody loved jazz and old music and johnson so i didnt start discovering until i was 16. I mean you didnt grow up in great america, you grew newspaper canada. But very close to the border. Stephen so you could put your ear to the border and hear music coming over . Yes. I actually could. Because we lived right, well, on vancouver island. Stephen the cover of this album, we have that cover up on the album right there. I didnt realize how much i liked jazz you got some heat for this. Why did you get heat for this. Are jazz women not allowed to be attractive . Well, the title of the well it wasnt about being attractive. Well, though that was fun to play dress up. I was just playing out of the dress up box. Stephen okay, sure, dont need to know. laughter publicly in the dress up box. But a lot of the idea of the flapper in the 20s, there is sort of a darker side was alfred finny johnson pictures of the girls were dressed very provocatively. And i was tracted to the song in glad rag doll which i found t is little painted lady, it isnt 5 foot 2 eyes of blue. Its little painted lady, and. Stephen about prostitutes. Basically. Stephen were all adults here. But if you listen to the lyrics you can find those same glad rag dolls today as you did at that time. I found it still. Stephen i wouldnt know, im married. It was still contemporary kind of tragic song. Im drawn to kind of tragi tragic drawn to tragic lyrics, yes. Stephen when we come back will you show us what it is all about. I will have the great mark rib ot to help me do that to sing a song. Well be right back with a performance by diana krall, stephen here to perform the title track off other album glad rag doll with mark ribot, ladies and gentlemen, diana krall. All dolled up in glad rags tomorrow may turn to sad rags they call you glad rag doll snoed snoed admired desired by lovers who glad rag doll youre just a pretty toy they like to play with youre not the kind they choose to grow old and grey with dont make this the end here its never too late to mend you poor little glad rag doll youre just a pretty toy they like to play with youre not the kind they choose to grow old and gray with dont make this the end here its never too late to mend you poor little glad rag doll cheers and applause Stephen Diana krall, glad rag doll, well be right back. Have yourself a merry Little Christmas let your heart be light from now on our troubles will be out of 150i9 have yourself a merry Little Christmas make the yuletide gay snot