Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130116 : vimarsana.

The only thing that makes me sleepier than turkey is dhating with you guys. Boring, i say. Okay. Time for celebrity birthdays. No celebrities were born today. Good night. applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [chowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome to the report. Sit down. We will tom cot report. Good to have you with us. Sorry to keep you waiting, folks. I was just down in my underground bunker, making preparations. Its best that i dont divulge too many details because [whispering] im starting to suspect this place is loaded with microphones and cameras. [ laughter ] folks, but down in the bunker, im ready for that dark tomorrow when jackbooted government thugs come for our guns. Thats where the ghillie suit comes in. Lets say the government busts in here looking to arrest me because im a gun owner and haul me off to one of those jails where you cant bring your gun. [ laughter ] oh, they have em. They already have them set up, okay . The minute they bust down that door, i just do this. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hey, wheres colbert . Hes not here. Just a pile of grass clippings on his desk. Perfectly normal. And im home free. Youre going to want to get one of these, and not just because its slimming. [ laughter ] no, tomorrow is the day Reich Marshal von amtrak has promised to issue his recommendations for gun control. Im going to be submitting to the president a proposal as to how to proceed. Im shooting for tuesday. We all know theres no silver bullet. Stephen you hear that . [ laughter ] theyre taking away our silver bullets. How will we defend ourselves from werewolf bandits . [ laughter ] so with our guns under attack were devoting an entire act of the show tonight to a thoughtful, sensitive conversation about guns. This is Stephen Colberts doublebarrel blamorama [cheers and applause] sadly, folks, people with extreme positions can often dominate this debate. But there are reasonable people on both sides, who are reasonably trying to blame anything but guns. For instance hollywood. Just look at how many of this years oscar nominees glamorize guns django unchained, zero dark thirty, argo, lincoln and the worst one of all les miserables. Who among us didnt want to shoot Russell Crowe . [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and movies arent the only culprit. The real problem is the media our kids consume. Isnt that right, media adults consume . Why does congress always take aim, if you will, at guns . Youve got to talk about society, violent video games these are murder simulators. They rehearse the action. The extraordinary realism to video games and movies now, et cetera, does cause vulnerable young men, particularly, to be more violent. Stephen true, and in a lot of these games theyre not just using guns but crowbars, baseball bats, and even chainsaws. That puts frightening ideas in kids heads. At this point, if i see a teenager coming at me with a chainsaw, im sorry, but i cross to the other side of the street. [ laughter ] of course, video game violence is not a new problem. Who can forget, in the wake of sim city, how children everywhere took up urban planning . [ laughter ] it was all tune in, turn on, and zone for residential use man [ laughter ] yes, yes. When talk starts about restricting things, its never video games or movies. Its always the most innocent amongst us. Our guns. Why . [ laughter ] well, look no further than the media, milking tragedy for their own profit, inciting fear instead of calmly and objectively reporting the news like i am. [ laughter ] case in point, my guest tonight cnn host and Matthew Perry in anaphylactic shock, piers morgan. [ laughter ] folks, when it comes to gun rights, like all englishmen, he drives on the wrong side of the barrel. 1010 americans a year are hit by gunfire or killed or wounded. You have to wake up and smell the coffee. At what point do you gunny lobby guys want say we get it. Its time to change. Stephen calm down, peers what experience does this Union Jackoff have with guns . Their police dont even carry them. [ laughter ] if you want to have a debate about whistle control, im all ears. [ laughter ] but piers isnt interested in having a productive discussion. Look at the way he ignores his guest radio host, gun advocate, and conspiracy sommelier alex jones and his perfectly reasonable questions. How many gun murders were there in britain . How many great white sharks kill people every year but theyre scared to swim . How many gun murders were there in britain last year . How many chimpanzees can dance on the head of a pin . Stephen yes, answer the real questions, piers [ laughter ] how many chimps can dance on a head of pin . Why cant donkeys hanglide . How much lunchmeat can you hit with a hockey stick . [ laughter ] its pointless to talk about gun control until these vital questions have been answered. Now, some have said piers puts only crazy people like alex jones on his show who oppose all restrictions on gun ownership, when he could just as easily have on reasonable people like the nra, who oppose all restrictions on gun ownership. [ laughter ] you know who i dare him to sit down with . Overnight internet celebrity and ceo of Tactical Response Firearms Training center james yeager, who reacted to the administrations upcoming gun grab in measured tones. bleep that. [ laughter ] im telling you that if that happens its going to spark a civil war and ill be glad to fire the first shot. Im not bleep putting up with this, i am not letting my country be ruled by a dictator, im not letting anybody take my guns. If it goes one inch further, im gonna start killing people. [ laughter ] stephen yes. Why would you ever want to take away his guns . [ laughter ] now, folks [cheers and applause] not entirely appropriate to shimmy during this discussion so i saw an opportunity and i took it. [ laughter ] now, yeager took a little heat for his passion about the Second Amendment, so after a day to cool down and reflect, he expressed himself in a much calmer manner. I was mad when i said it and probably allowed my mouth to overrun my logic. But i dont retract any of my statements. [ laughter ] stephen okay . Hes sorry, just not for the things that he said. [ laughter ] i dont condone anybody doing anything rash. I do not condone anybody committing any kind of felonies, up to and including aggravated assaults, or murders unless its necessary. [ laughter ] stephen important point only necessary murder. Okay. If someone endangers your family, or, through their takes their yogurt from the breakroom fridge. Or through their. Democratically elected representatives, enacts a gun control law of any kind. So we need to be ready. How are we gonna do that . It is time to get ready. Start working out, start stretching. Steerchg so important. Youve got to stretch. Trust me, when the bleep goes down, you do not want to pull a hammy. [cheers and applause] i recommend feel the like im in a road show of where the wild things are. I recommend hot yoga when youre mounting an armed insurrection, you want your chakras to be open. And your butt high and tight. [ laughter ] and you cant blame guys like yeager for being passionate because guns are the civil rights victims of our time. Its no coincidence that most of them are black. [ laughter ] and that i get nasty looks when i sit down with one at a lunch counter. [ laughter ] and im not the only one who thinks so. Standing with me is larry ward founder of the firstever gun Appreciation Day, which happens to be this saturday, the same weekend as Martin Luther king day. And thats no coincidence. I believe that gun Appreciation Day honors the legacy of dr. King. I think Martin Luther king would agree with me if he were alive today. Stephen yes, dr. King would be progun just as surely as jesus would be pronail. [ laughter ] because like mr. Ward, dr. King understood that the root of all oppression is lack of firepower. [ laughter ] if africanamericans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the countrys founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history. [ laughter ] stephen yes if only americas founders had turned to the people they owned and chained into servitude and said, heres your gun. Use it responsibly. [ laughter ] i guess all larry ward is saying is that america would be a better place if George Washington and Thomas Jefferson had been shot by their slaves. [ laughter ] because hes a reasonable man of course, not as reasonable as this debates sanest voice the motor city madman, ted tugent who, it turns out, is crazy for tolerance. Telling worldnet daily, there will come a time when the gun owners of america will be the rosa parks and we will sit down on the front seat of the bus. Case closed. [cheers and applause] case closed. If rosa parks had had a gun, she wouldnt have been sitting in the back of that bus, she could have carjacked it. [ laughter ] of course, the nuge has long been an inspiration for the civil rights movement. In the words of the old negro spiritual, free at last, free at last, wango tango im free at last. Well be right back. 2ippa , [cheers and ap] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you for rejoining our broadcast already in progress. Nation, longtime viewers know i love my sponsors like i love my children if my children gave me money. Whraf laugh. [ laughter ] thats why i leap, like a mother tigress, to their defense if anyone attacks them. I am especially protective of the Cocacola Companys whole family of products. Although in this family fantas kinda the black sheep. [ laughter ] why cant you be more like the neighbors kid, hes a doctor. [cheers and applause] folks, in this family, i especially love vitaminwater. Oh, that reminds me. Gotta take my meds. Monday. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] whoo sadly, as vitaminwaters parent company, cocacola is now embroiled in a lawsuit for allegedly making deceptive and unsubstantiated claims that their product is healthy. Just because it has the words vitamin and water on the label . Come on, were all adults. Theres no sun in sunny d [ laughter ] or paul newman in fig newmans anymore. [ laughter ] and cocacolas lawyers agree with me. They argue that no consumer could reasonably be misled into thinking vitaminwater was a healthy beverage. Exactly. What consumer would reasonably think vitaminwater is healthy just because their labels say it supports your immune system will give your morning some nutrition, helps fight for your overall health, and they have claimed vitaminwater will reduce the risk of chronic disease, eye disease, and promote healthy joints. And theyre commercials say this keep it simple by drink vitaminwater edge. It helps support a healthy body. Stephen thats right, a healthy body. As long as you define healthy as a backboardheaded mutant. [ laughter ] now, the group suing cocacola, the center for science in the public interest, say that the healthy name vitaminwater , small amount of vitamin contet and obscures the products 33 grams of sugar which is almost as much as a can of coke. Though, according a recent 1905 study, is a delightful, palatable and hetful beverage. The chief litigator Stephen Gardner went so far as to claim the Cocacola Company added vitamins to crap . Added vitamins to crap . That is slanderous, cocacola must countersue and give me a call because i just got a great idea for energy bars. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight is a talkshow host who thinks he knows whats best for america. Sorry, that jobs taken. Please welcome piers morgan. [cheers and applause] good to see you again. Good to to see you. Stephen how are you . Very good, thank you. Stephen thank you for coming on. Im a big fan of the show and i mean this in the most respectful way possible get bleep out of town. [ laughter ] okay . No, no after the interview. Okay. Stephen you understand to an american ear what it sounds like to have an english accent telling us how to live our lives. [ laughter ] i actually do, yes. I know how annoying it is, yes. Stephen you come from a place without the Second Amendment. We dont actually have guns. Literally we dont have guns. You cant get your hands on them. The police dont have them. People in britain dont have guns. Stephen you hate the United States constitution. I love it. Stephen have you ever read a copy of it. Here is is a copy of it. Thank you very much. Its a very nice copy. Stephen Second Amendment says Congress Shall make no law they can make laws no law do you speak english. We gave you our language as you know. Stephen we took it with our guns. [ laughter ] correct. Stephen at lexington concord, it was the shot heard round the world not the debate or whistle or report. We have a different experience than do you. You love your guns, i know you do. Stephen we do love our guns. How dear you tell americans how to live their lives. Quietingly pointing out if my country where we have no guns we have 3540 gun murders a year. In your country 11,000. I think where 20 Young Americans are blown to pieces, americans should Say Something has to be done. Stephen well, i think its a cheap shot to bring up the subject were talking about. [ laughter ] okay. Fevers are running very high. Nobody wants to protect children more than i do but fevers are running very high right now. We should stop and take some time until we can approach this in a calm manner. Nonsense. Stephen , no, no,. Thats the kind of irrational passion im talking about. We need to take the time, reflect and eventually forget and then [ laughter ] then i dont think well have such a heated debate. There were only seven Mass Shootings in america last year. Its a very, very hard to start the debate when its too soon because were following the last one. Stephen im not having you here to advocate for Mass Shootings. Im have you advocate for freedom. Until england you dont have freedom. We like stephen no, no the queen can come in and take yours. A lot of americans think our royal family is going to launch a attempted invasion of your country. The queen and Kate Middleton are about to arrive, come in and take your a rirks15s from you. Stephen thats ridiculous they would hire herbans to come here and have the ear quoas to come ear iriquois to come against them. Stephen thats why we have guns to keep the government from taking our guns. Thats what the Founding Fathers intended. Have you read the constitution . I have. Stephen read the constitution. I have. Stephen you are having people people are saying you are just pumping up your ratings by having on crazy people. Why not have reasonable people on to talk about people on the progun side of debate who happen to be reasonable voices who think there are something that can be done. None of them think we should take any guns away. Stephen i know because its not reasonable because its not constitutional. Have you read the constitution . Can i have another copy . [ laughter ]