Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130117 : vimarsana.

[eagle caw] stephen tonight, a shirtless fugitive is found in florida by swinging a dead cat. [ laughter ] then i profile an exciting new technology. I hope its an iphone that tells you when to get in line for the new iphone. [ laughter ] and, my guest Jared Diamond has a new book about what we can learn from traditional societies. If its how to hang a gourd off your penis, i got that one covered. [ laughter ] a shipment of 18 human heads showed up at Ohare International airport, when i clearly said i was flying to omaha. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. Thank you for joining tonights broadcast. Thank you so much. [crowd chanting stephen ] [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. In here, out there, folks, you can feel the energy in this room tonight because theres one story rocking this nation. A bombshell dropped by my hero, Lance Armstrong, master of the two wheeler. Rumors have been swirling for years about lance, but unlike most americans, when times got tough, i didnt get off the tandem bike of admiration. No i saddled up, rang the bell of loyalty, put down the kickstand of support, stayed in it to schwinn it, and ive run out of bike metaphors. [ laughter ] point is, the mans a hero. He beat cancer. Then went on to beat something even less popular the french. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] well, yesterday he finally broke his silence in an explosive sit down with oprah. Now, it doesnt air until thursday and security around the interview has been tighter than lances pants. [ laughter ] we know absolutely nothing. So, of course, all the Cable News Networks are reporting it. [ laughter ] lady o refuses to release any clips to the news media, but instead. She sat down with her best friend gayles best cbs this morning cohost charlie rose to give us her reaction to what she wont tell us lance said. Stephen well sorry, oprah. Im not playing into your little p. R. Stunt. If you wont tell us what happened between you and lance, i have a responsibility as a journalist to make something up. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, this just in Lance Armstrong banged oprah [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] jimmy lets go to the tape. He brought it. He really did. Literally two and a half hours. We were both pretty exausted. And, um, i would say i was satisfied. About an hour and 20 minutes in, we took a break and lance actually said, will there be a point where you lighten up . I can only say that i was satisfied. Weve decided that we are actually going to go for two nights. The word i keep using is satisfied. Whraf laugh. [ laughter ] stephen yes, sir. Sounds like lance gave her a onenight subscription to o. [ laughter ] more on this if i have to release the tapes nation, before we go any further, i want to warn you the following segment features graphic depiction of monkey. Dangerous primates are nothing new in this country, going back to the famed scopes monkey trial, in which a monkey was tried for shooting Charles Darwin using a highpowered rifle scope. [ laughter ] since then, the National Monkey threat level has stayed as red as a baboons ass. [ laughter ] so i have stayed committed to informing you about those threats in my criticallyacknowledged segment monkey on the lam. [ laughter ] four years ago tonight, i warned you about the mystery monkey of tampa bay. The mystery being why would anybody, even a monkey, choose to live in tampa . [ laughter ] well, this october authorities finally nabbed this coldblooded mammal. Tonight we take you behind the scenes in a colbert report exclusive because no other News Organization even asked. [ laughter ] jim . We never know where danger lurks. It could be down that dark alley or hiding outside the window. And if you are in tampa, florida, it can even be in the trees. For three years, police have been looking for this monkey that is believed to have wandered off a reserve 100 miles from tampa. He has been back here in my tree. And he will start to shake the tree. Stephen tonight a Stephen Colbert special report monkey on the lam, extra investigation. 1381 days of terror in tampa. Don mcbride was one of earliest eye witnesses. I was in a family room early on a sunday morning and i looked out and he was on the bird feeder take out nuts and birdseed. He looked back through the window at me and i was startled. This monkey was interested in more than just dons nuts. There were sightings all over pinellas county. This monkey was everywhere and i would say probably thousands of people saw this monkey. Emily was the Tampa Bay Times monkey bureau chief. She helped authorities piece together a portrait of the fugitive. People described him as a squirrel or maybe like a cat. Brown fur. Sort of a light patch in the front. Carried arms and sharp teeth. He was scary looking. [ laughter ] as sightings piled up officials knew it was time to call in the monkey hunter. Throughout my lifetime of doing this i tracked down hundreds of monkey. Vernonates is a professional animal tracker. He joined forces with local veterinarian don woodmanth for a veterinarian whop spends most of his time in the office giving vaccinations to cats and dogs, chasing a monkey is really exciting. He brings the medical portion to the table and i bring the experience and almost stiewmedity that i would grab almost any animal with my hands and hang on to him. Stephen be careful what you grab this monkey on the loose is one loose monkey. The fear was the monkey had herp yez. Stephen thats right, herp yezherpes. Which begs the question who is bleep our monkey. This would cause minor cold sores in monkeys. Stephen so nothing to worry about. But fit gets into people it could cause the brain tissue to melt. Stephen okay. Thats bad. But for the next three and a half years don and vernon found themselves continuously maca kblocked. This is the hardest monkey to capture. Weve tracked hundreds of monkeys and none of them that pull the challenge like this one. Ill give him credit knowing how to cross loads, staying out of power lines. I give him all the credit in the world for being extremely intelligent. Stephen a criminal mastermind with a tolerance for drugs. I hit him with a dart with enough drugs to take down a linebacker he pulled it out and kept going. Stephen the monkey continued his rein of terror taking another swipe at this guys nuts. I had my camera close to the door. I picked it up and i was ready. Stephen when tampa residents saw the founded out of this hounded macack they found themselves lock into the mirror as well. The first time people saw the monkey as being kind of lonely and on his own. And it was a sad photo. This was a monkey looking for a friend. Stephen arent we all. Perhaps it was time to finally let the monkey roam free. Just look at him. What is the worst that could happen. Mystery monkey is now attacking people. Proceeded to bite me and i swung him off. But he is still coming to my window and locking for me. Stephen the beast was out of control. If the monkey hunters were going to save tampa it was now or never. We had our bananas out. He got to to a clearing where i had a shot. Shot. I said i would get him and i finally got him. Stephen after four years of terror it was time for this monkey to face the music. Were going to send him to a wildlife saingtary where he could hopefully from female monkey companionship. For this thing to good on, it created all kinds of anger where you almost dont give a damn and say eventually ill get him because my heart and soul went into catching him. Stephen thank you, vernon. Thank you for four wonderful years of monkey hunting. Because of you and dr. Woodman, the people of tampa will never live in monkey fear again. They may have caught this monkey but ive seen the monkey. I followed the monkey. I have written lots of stories about the monkey. This monkey could escape and get out again. Stephen well be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Folks, what frightens me most about the hungering darkness of death is that when im lowered into that cold grave, i wont have all my cool stuff. Luckily, one company has found a way to fix that. Do you believe in music . That a beautiful melody can reach beyond our senses . Introducing the catacombo sound system, a revolutionary customized sound system for audiophiles on the other side. The catacoffin employs a pair of twoway speakers, tweeters, and a divine 8inch subwoofer, finetuned to the coffins unique interior acoustic space. So, embrace. Embrace your passion for music in this life and the next. [ laughter ] stephen yes, speakers mounted inside a coffin. Also the rejected sales pitch for the first mazda miata. [ laughter ] i dont know about you, but ive always had a fear of being buried alive. But ill rest easy knowing i may slowly suffocate but its to the carefree sound of Bobby Mcferrins dont worry, be happy. Sadly, folks, we too often lose touch with friends and loved ones when were dead. But catacombo lets those you left behind stay connected. The catatomb music server features a 7inch display showing what songs playing six feet under. Manage your personal playlist and allow friends and family to spare you a thought by adding a song. [ laughter ] stephen yes, even after youve gone to the ultimate underground club, those who love you can play you your favorite beatles tune or brahms concerto. Or, if they hate you, nickelback. [ laughter ] folks, dead people represent a vast, untapped, rapidly decomposing market. Catacombo is perfect if you want to be buried with your music collection, but what if you want to be cremated . Introducing the iurn. When youre ready to rock your ash off [ laughter ] and with good tunes, youll need refreshment. Anheuser busch, start selling bud light lime embalming fluid. Please die responsibly. [ laughter ] but what if you get lucky . Music, beers, a cushy place to lie down . That cute cadaver in the next plot has been making eyesockets at you all night. [ laughter ] so dont be caught dead without a pack of catacondoms. Because lets face it, youre dead, not married. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and she she is going to jump your bones. [ laughter ] the point is, if you just spend enough money, death will be 4040p32h8nc isurprise. Its eating less. To losing weight. Im hungry just thinking about it. Thank goodness for new slimful. One delicious, 90calorie slimful and a glass of water, like before dinner, helps keep me satisfied for hours. So instead of this much, i only need this much. And slimful tastso good. I dont even miss dessert. Slimful and a glass of water. Eating less is a beautiful thing. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back begun everybody. My guest tonight has a new book about traditional cultures called the world until yesterday. Perfect, thats as far back as i can remember. Please welcome Jared Diamond. [cheers and applause] good to see you again. Your a geography profession error at ucla, a macarthur genius award winner, a pull lighter prize winner for your book guns, germs and steel. Your new book is called the world until yesterday what can we learn from traditional societies. What can we learn . By traditional do you mean a man married to a woman, 2 had the 4 kids, white picket fence in the suburbs as god intends . I mean Something Different by traditional society, i mean the societies that were all societies around the world until relatively recently when population grew. Stephen what do you mean recently . First State Government was 5400 years ago in the fertile crescent and in large parts of United States, rural areas were living largely traditional today. Stephen there are parts of United States that live as we lived 5,000 years . There are parts of the United States where some things. We went to montana we spend our vacation. If theres an argument between neighboring ranchers they dont call in lawyers or the police they settle it themselves as people did traditionally. Stephen would you call them primitive or original societies societies . Its no longer politcally correct to say primitive. Stephen thensay primitive. The guys with the bones through the nose. We dont play it safe on this show. What can i learn from them. Im the one with the civilization, shouldnt they be learning from me . They can learn before you but they bring up your children to be independent, self confident socially skilled. Stephen my children are independent. They have iphones. Can i get them when i need to. They can go in the neighborhood. That ill illustrates the pro. In new new guinea where kids dont have iphones they make the decisions for themselves. Old age plays out more happily in their society. Stephen how long do they live . 32 . You are correct. Theres the problem. Stephen that is not a small problem. [ laughter ] i would have been dead months ago. [ laughter ] you are connect. The average lifespan is shorter but in their old age they are not lonely. They are living next to their children and their friends. Thats unusual in the United States. How many of these traditional societies are there in the world . Can i go find them in the world . There are largely places less skilled. If i want there with an electric can opener would they worship me as a god . As van kamp the king of beans . What they would actually do is try to figure out a use for the electric can opener in the absence of cans. They might try sticking it through their nose or in their ears. What good is that without a can . Stephen thats how i get them. I sell them the opener and lease them the cans. Software model. Its how bill gates got rix. I understand in one of societies you study they strangle widows . Thats true among the people of stephen sorry to hear about your husband, come over here. Widow strangling is not involuntary. The widow serious, the widow calls upon her brernlings and if they are not there, her sons to strangle her. This is voluntary on the part of widow. Stephen as they are crushing her windpipe how do they hear her say keep strangling me. She says it at the beginning. Stephen and after that that you are committed. Yes. I want toll explain how unstrangled one zit. With a rope around the neck you pull in opposite directions. Stephen so its humane . Would you put your hands up again like you are going to fight me. This way like this. You look exactly like the mascot of the fighting irish. [cheers and applause] i went to ucla. Stephen congratulations. You were great in lincoln. Thank you so much for joining me. Jared diamond, the book is the world until yesterday. Well be right back