Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130119 : vimarsana.

So soon. Thank you for watching my show and please continue to watch, at least for the next ten weeks, and not for selfish reasons, but because this show employs a lot of people that should not have jobs. If you want to see all of the clips in their entirety from this show and clips and jokes Comedy Central wouldnt let us put on tv, go to our website, comedycentral. Com tosh. 0. And your homework assignment for the week. Take keyboard kato and spread him around. By the way, next weeks web redemption, miss teen south carolina. You remember her such as maps. The world wants to know are you ready to give it another shot. I think so. Give me your gum. Do not mess up. And i leave you with the most unfortunate domain name of the week, from the royal bank of scotland and their website, nig. Com. Hey, boss royal bank of scotland is taken. Ok, thanks. Just go with nig. If you are offended by that joke, its okay, i have one friend that im pretty sure is scottish. And he said its fine. Thanks for coming out, guys. I appreciate it. Well see you next week. Goodnight. [clappin captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you so much. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for the amount of energy you put into that chanting given the fact that youve done it before. Welcome to hour two of the broadcast. Nation, you know, i do this show for one reason and one reason only, to look out for you. As we speak theres a massive corporate conspiracy to rip you off that the president has been strangely silent on. Fortunately one brave News Organization tackled it head on. The new york post. Today their front page blew the lid off the scandal honey, they shrunk the foot long. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] black and white. Turns out that the subway footlong is sometimes 11 inches. Weve been 5 foot wronged. Come on 12 inches is 12 inches. I know its cold out but thats no excuse. [ laughter ] now now we know how jared lost all that weight. [ laughter ] he starved to death. [ laughter ] folks this is an enormous breach of trust, subway. Are your employees even certified sandwich artists . Have they passed the free art test where they have to make a turtle out of lunch meat . I want to give hats off to reporters caylee and natalee okneel the woodward and bernstein of oscar and meyer. They broke this through an Investigative Journalism technique known as lunch. They put this scam hitch wich in per inspecty saying if you buy a foot long every other week for a year its a also of 100. Its the money youll need to cover the med call bills from eating all those footlongs. Subway, its over. Im going to be keeping you honest but measuring every sandwich by the most accurate means possible the fruit about it foot. You are dealing with me now. You are dealing with me. Of course, folks, pretty soon our sandwiches are going to be metric because america is finish. Yesterday obama shredded constitution and nointed him selfgun snatcher the magnificent. Jim . Well make it easier to keep guns outs of hands of criminals by strengthening the background check system. Well help scores hire resource officers. Congress should restore a ban an military assault weapons and ten round limit for magazines. The jowrt of americans agree with us on this and by the way so did ronald rage spheenchts take a cheap shot at ronald reagan. What are you trying to do impress jody foster . [ laughter ] the president should focus on the strengthening the poll swiz know policies we know make us safe like making sure nobody brings tweezers on to an airplane. He knew it wasnt going to pass the smell test sew stoopped to surrounding himself with children. Like this confused boy, joey. He loves trains. It was a transparent appeal to our humanity. Luckily rush limb bawp doesnt have any. Obama uses kids as human shields. He bringses these kids who wrote, supposedly, letters to the white house avenuetown to bring them up up there if show support among the children. Youve got these little kids there. They dont want to die. And how can you not listen to them . Stephen you are being manipulated, america. Boorkshoo i want boohoo, i want to good to disney land. I want toll get a pony. I want to live to see another day. Grow up. I want to grow up. I find it hard to believe these are the only letters obama gets from kids and so does steve doocy. He and he should know he read its third grade level. One of kids said mr. President , what is the deal with the debt. Ive been hearing about the debt ceiling. I understand when i grow up it could be hundreds of thousands of dollars could you please cut spending now. Stephen why arent kids write together president about longterm restructuring of government debt. Come on fox news youngsters, benic ron, the rest pinecrest retirement crew. Put down the sunny d and fire up the underwood. [ laughter ] thankfully, folks, our constitution has a builtin mechanism to stop democratically elected tyrants from taking our guns and that brings us to tonights word. [cheers and applause] united we stand off. President obama and his antigun storm troopers say its okay for me to have a pistol. Its okay for me to have a rifle and a shotgun. But its not okay for me to have militarystyle weaponry. Maybe theyve forgotten what the Second Amendment is. The founders feared government tyranny. The Second Amendment is about resistance to government tyranny. They never mentioned hunting and deer, they talked about freedom and liberty over tyranny. Stephen damn straight. Like anybody setting up a new government the founders added a clause that said if you dont like what were doing, feel free to shoot us. Its like [ laughter ] the Second Amendment is like the ultimate veto. Its almost like a constitutional prenup. That is why i and my friends at fox news have always stood with those who arm themselves against government tyranny, patriots like bill and the weather underground. [ laughter ] dont get me wrong, its founders didnt the founders didnt want us to engage in armed insurrection at the drop of a hat, no no, they knew it should be only if something unimaginable happened. Something like the government of the United States turning on its own citizens. Thats why we need weapons and not some weak ass tenround magazines either. As cnn conservative contributor put it you may think a 30 round magazine is too big. Under the real purpose of the Second Amendment a 30 round magazine might be too smawsm were talking about fighting the United States government. When the Second Amendment was written we didnt have a Standing Army and the most powerful weapon in americas arsenal was the horse drawn small pox blanket. [ laughter ] but today but folks today america has the worlds greatest military full of brave men and women armed with the most powerful weaponry ever devised. Its because i respect our troops so much that i need a fully automatically Assault Rifle with a 100 round magazine to kill them when they come for my guns. Because realistically [ laughter ] just think about this you think that ar15 is going to save you when uncle comes knocking with an Apache Helicopter . [ laughter ] now, now if the Second Amendment is truly to defend ourselves against government course, then citizens will never be safe until we can have our own Aircraft Carriers. [ laughter ] now, i know what some out there are saying, might some deranged individual take their constitutionally guaranteed Aircraft Carrier to a mall lets say and rain hell fire missiles down on a cinnabon for skimping on the frosting . Well, of course. [ laughter ] theres no stopping that. But as jefferson said sometimes the tree of liberty must be watered by the blood of the innocent. Look it up. So mr. King president , unless you and the antigun brigade will admit that we gun owners are constitutionally guaranteed the right to have any weapon we want, well use every weapon we can get to keep every weapon we have. [ laughter ] thats the word. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] stephen thanks so much. Welcome to to tonights broadcast. And to our affiliates just joining in micronesia, good morning. The thing i like best about fox news is that they are journalists who know how to stay focused on the important story. Coming up, new developments in the scandal involving email aliases at the e. P. A. A scandal that may have led to e. P. A. Director lisa jackson resigning. Lisa jackson also went by the name of Richard Winder and the name of a pet and the street she grew up which i think is what you technically do to get your porn name. Stephen meg yin i dont want to scandalize you but technically you have to do a bit more to get a porn name. Ill send you some links. [ laughter ] lets get to the important issue. You have disclosed your porn name. Its not good, ready, noah arrestedsly. No one wants to see that. [ laughter ] stephen oh, no, megyn, im pretty sure he wants to see that. [ laughter ] though, i have to say for the record, noah arrestedsly is not as good a porn name as megyn kelly. Anyway we were talking about the e. P. A. Monica kroully was in the studio what is her porn name. Monicas is muffin hunt. [ laughter ] stephen i have to say muffin hunt isnt just a great porn name its also a great porn title. Spoiler alert [cheers and applause] spoiler alert, they find it. [ laughter ] of course [ laughter ] all the greatest newsmen reveal their porn names. Who could forget when Walter Cronkite ended his final broadcast with and thats the way it is and also my porn name is mittens crockpounder. The cats name was mittens and he grew up on crockpounder street named for the famous general who famously declared i will beat off every last union soldier. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] enough billion fox news and their porn names. Lets get back to the real news porn. Major adult filmmaker is challenging a Los Angeles County law which requires porn actors to wear condoms. Vivid entertainment sued the county in the court. It claims that measure b violates the First Amendment right to free expression. Stephen yes, forcing porn stars to wear condoms violates their right to free expression. In particular this expression. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] as the porn industrys lead attorney palm cambria, jr. , explains lets assume were filming an adult movie and its taking place in the swash buckler times all of a sudden captain jack slips on a condom. And obviously that would destroy the movie because it would be fake. That wouldnt have happened them. Yes, the whole reason you watch porn is the historical ak race six im easy thrown by and ak nix which are all through Yankee Doodle dandy. The irquois are not with the british. The bead work on her gstring is part of the branch that never gave up loyalty to the british crown. It throws you out of the scene. Now you are masturbating to an absurd costume drama like an idiot. Makes no sense. Bravo paul cambria, jr. , for standing up for the freedom of expression as our forefathers instend as seen as in your pands and bend over ben franklin. Both 100 historically accurate with no condoms why is why they all die of syphilis. We b p [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back. My guest tonight has a new book called americas unwritten constitution. Hes right the constitution wasnt written. It was dick dated by jesus. Please welcome akhil reed amar. Thank you. Mr. Amar thank you so much for joining us. Good to see you again. Havent been on the show in a few years. You are one of these east Coast Ivy League liberal educators, right . You teach at yale. Guilty as charged. Stephen okay. All right. You have yourself a new book here called americas unwritten constitution the precedent and principles we live by. What do you mean unwritten constitution. The criewtion is a constitution say document, the words of which we live by. How can we live by an unwritten one . Well, i have it here. Jon the constitution. There, yes stephen the constitution, yes im familiar. Its a written constitution, okay . You believe in stuff that is not quite there that you think completes it. Stephen if its not in here, go to hell. How about limited government. Stephen of course limited government. It doesnt say that. Stephen its limited by what is in here. It is a limitation check mate. Keep going. In order to understand the words of document we also have to understand the spirit and thats part of the unwritten constitution. Im with you. I dont want us to lose the virtues of a written constitution. Stephen you just lost this one its mine now. This sounds like where are the other ideas coming from that you claim arent in here . Thats the trick. How can we go beneath, beyond and behind the document without losing faith with the document . What you. Stephen you are talking about judicial activey. If you are assigning rights that are not in here is the definition of judicial activism. Reading the thing has a whole. Lets take a question for example who presides at the Vice President s impeachment . The text says the Vice President presides over the senate and the senate tries all impeachments. Does that mean that the Vice President would preside over his own impeachment. Stephen yes, that is why no Vice President has ever been impeached. Has any Vice President ever been impeached . No. Stephen checkmate again. I should teach at yale. Okay. Okay. You are doing a good job. Stephen thank you very much. Go ahead. What else . What else . So how about unenumerated rights. Stephen i dont know that word. It means not listed. Stephen it says anything you know set forth here shall go to the several states, right . It says anything not listed here shall not be denied or disparaged. Stephen they covered that. For example, they covered it by saying we didnt list all the rights. There are additional rights above and beyond the ones we listed. Like, where does it say that the states cant violate the right to have a gun in your home . You believe in having a gun in your home . Stephen i believe in having a gun everywhere. [ laughter ] where does it say that states cant mess with that right . Stephen it says you are confusing me. You are saying it says that the states have to obey federal law. And so federal law doesnt say anything at all. Stephen the Second Amendment says it. So the feds have no law at all on this and now new york, just imagine hypothetically new york passes a law that restricts gun rights. Stephen they did. Does the Second Amendment protect. That is only about the federal government. What about your rights against State Governments . It turns out theres a passage of the constitution that talks about rights against State Government but doesnt list them. It says no state shall mess with or abridge any privileges or immunities of citizens. It doesnt specify what they are. Those are unwritten to some extent. Stephen where is this the unwritten constitution . Is that the plot of the Third National treasure movie . Does nick cage find it tattooed on his back . How do you know . You may have a point here. Lets take the presidency all president dozen a whole bunch of things that are not spelled out in so many words but that George Washington d. Being able to swear their oath of office on a bible. Stephen its written in there. Its not in the written constitution. Stephen its not . Its not but George Washington stephen all right. Thank you so much for joining me. Akhil reed amar, americas unwritten conon. Tion