Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130122 : vimarsana.

Jon thats our show. Here it is. Your moment of zen mr. President , mr. President mr. President mr. President mr. President scham stephen tonight, the Historic Second inaugural of vicepresident biden. Then, america gets the flu. The ratings for the price is right have never been higher. And ill discuss obamas second term with editor for the atlantic, tanehisi coates. Which one of us will be black . The answer may surprise you. [ laughter ] atari filed for bankruptcy today but theyre thinking about just taking it out, blowing on it, and seeing if itll work again. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report. [the colbert report theme music captioning sponsored by Comedy Central playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. [chowd chanting see it fen] thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to tonights simulcast. Good to have you with us. [ laughter ] folks, as a broadcaster, its my sacred responsibility to bring you the latest information that i watched on some other cable tv network. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] but frankly, today there was no real news to report. Instead everbody was obsessed with something they kept calling second inauguration of barack obama. Second inauguration. Second inauguration. Stephen wrong. Check your constitution. President shall be inaugurated on january 20th. 4 Stephen Colbert is right. Love, the founding fathers. He already took the oath yesterday at the white house by taking it again today, obama has made himself a threeterm president serving the second two terms consecutively. Now to get rid of him we have to impeach him twice oh, clever girl. [ laughter ] and besides, its his second inaugural. Why the celebration . Hes already president. You dont see the rest of america throwing a party when they continue to do their jobs. [ laughter ] ill admit, i was swept up four years ago, i was moved by the first black president. [ laughter ] but come on, a second inaugural is like people who renew their wedding vows. We get it, youre married im not buying you another salad bowl. [ laughter ] because nothing, nothing we give obama is going to be enough to satisfy this mans greed. Look at how he swoar in. President obama will actually use three different bibles. On sunday, for the official swearing in, he will use the Robinson Family bible. On monday for the public inauguration, he will use the lincoln bible and Martin Luther king, jr. s, traveling bible. Stephen thats a freaky bible threeway and its so transparent that old Hollywood Hussein over here, used lincolns bible only to ride the popularity of spielbergs blockbuster. The same reason back in 92 clinton hopped on the basic instinct wagon by swearing in on sharon stones vagina. [ laughter ] an oath he kept, by the way. [ laughter ] dont get me wrong they put on a good show with our money. Youve got beyonce, kelly clarkson, james taylor. And i have to admit, this shows how far weve come as a nation. A black guy who likes james taylor . Because ive seen fire and ive seen rain but ive never seen a black guy at your show [ laughter ] then came the president ial pride parade, with eight floats from obama and bidens home states hawaii, illinois, pennsylvania, and delaware which honored delaware by just driving through the parade on its way to somewhere else. [ laughter ] and of course, this being democrats, there had to be a liberal gay, latino poet from maine. My face, your face, millions of faces in mornings mirrors, each one yawning to life. [ laughter ] stephen sorry, i was yawming to life. Would it kill you to throw a rhyme in there . [ laughter ] its a poem. Its not that hard. There once was a man name barack whos reelection came as a shock. He raised the taxes i pay and then turned marriage gay. And now hes coming after your glock. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] poet laureate, please. Now, im not going to do a critical deconstruction of obamas partisan screed masquerading as an inaugural speech. Now is not the time to criticize. I will just say this, it was a clear call for a radical, collectivist agenda. Listen to this language. We, the people, still believe that enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war. We, the people, still believe that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity. For we, the people we, the people we we we stephen we, we, we. All the way home. [ laughter ] this little piggy is sick of it socialist overreach is coming. By february well all be chained up in solarpowered asparagus gulags being forcefed Birth Control pills by Illegal Immigrants who gaymarry us to endangered sea turtles. [ laughter ] my advice find a good looking turtlemate soon; you dont want to end up with a butterbeak. [ laughter ] i just dont understand. It was not supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be day one for whats his name . Dip chutney . [ laughter ] ham hockney . [ laughter ] rom comedy [ laughter ] whatever. Remember all those great things he was going to do on day one of his presidency . Starting on day one, i am going to do what it takes to get america back to work. On day one, i will label china a currency manipulator. I will repeal obamacare, and ill stop it in its tracks on day one. Stephen what coulda been [ laughter ] instead, on day one he watched a designing women marathon, played fruit ninja on the toilet, and drank ranch dressing straight from the bottle. [ laughter ] still. [cheers and applause] still a pretty good day. [ laughter ] well nation, i will not sit idly by while obama rubs our noses in the will of the electorate. So tonight, i am reinaugurating myself as commanderinopposingthechief for an Historic Second term. Boys, roll out the bibles [cheers and applause] brief historical note these bibles once belonged to lincoln nebraskas red roof inn. [ laughter ] so, here we go. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] i, the reverend sir dr. Stephen t. Mos def colbert, d. F. A, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the United States. And will, to the best of your knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure hes a one twoterm president. In sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba bada im lovin it [cheers and applause] well be right back. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] for the new mattress models but sleep trains huge year end clearance well be right back. [cheers and applause] is ending soon. For a short time, save hundreds on tempurpedic mattresses. Get the most highlyrecommended bed in america at closeout prices. Plus, get interestfree financing and free sameday delivery. Why wait for the new models . Sleep trains year end clearance is ending soon. Superior service, best selection, lowest price, guaranteed. Sleep train your ticket to a better nights sleep welcome back. Thank you very much. Folks, its cold and flu season, and let me tell you purell just doesnt work. Ive been chugging that stuff for weeks and i still feel nauseous. [ laughter ] this is the threatdown [sirens] contagion edition. Threat number 5 the flu folks, ive had a beef with influenza ever since the early 20th century when 50 Million People were killed by spanish flu. [ laughter ] youre telling me an american pathogen wouldnt do that job . [ laughter ] but this year, we could all be at risk. Flu emergency the worst flu season in decades and its getting even worse. Were in the middle of a fullblown flu epidemic. The number of flu cases is exploding. All but three states now in the grip of the flu epidemic. The flu epidemic has people across the country scrambling for vaccinations. Some hospitals are seeing such a high number of flu patients, that they can barely handle treating everyone. Stephen clearly hospitals are short staffed. No ones had time to treat that terrible rash around chuck todds mouth. [ laughter ] and folks, just look at this global flu activity map on google trends. The u. S. Is so infected, were filling up south america with our phlegm. [ laughter ] i am chilled by warnings from the National Foundation for infectious diseases, who warned that children exhale more flu germs than adults when they get sick, and they exhale it longer, making them the great distributors of influenza virus. Nation, we must quarantine our children immediately. [ laughter ] the government must put up buildings to sequester them. Well group them by age, and keep them there during high activity hours, say from 8 00 to 3 00. [ laughter ] bus them if we have to [ laughter ] but locking up your kids to avoid the flu doesnt mean youre safe. A new strain of a virus is quickly spreading across several countries including the United States where folks are calling it the winter vomiting bug. Stephen yes, the winter vomiting bug far worse than the spring vomiting bug, which at least gets you in shape for bikini season. [ laughter ] thats affecting scores of americans come from . Jolly old england hmm, who do we know from england who was recently vomiting . Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days. Now we learn, the duchess of cambridge is hospitalized for severe vomiting. Stephen threat number 4 Kate Middleton [ laughter ] shes princess zero typhoid queen mary her royal hurlness [ laughter ] thanks to kate, this winter vomiting bug could become a global pandemic. Because kate is the ultimate trendsetter because if she can make people want to wear a plate on their head, she can make you want to wear your lunch. On your sleeve. [ laughter ] and dont think science is gonna come to the rescue. British researchers have created a projectile vomitting robot that mimics the symptoms of norovirus. Resereachers created the projectile robot to test how far the dangerous contagion spreads everytime someone throws up. Stephen because if you want to study vomit spray patterns, you have two options build a robot that pukes, or ride the subway after 2 00 am. [ laughter ] which brings me threat number 3 vomiting robots. [ laughter ] really, science . You know we havent cured cancer yet, right . [ laughter ] you might want to put some of this energy into that. Because once our robots are womiting, whos going to clean up after my roomba . [ laughter ] my other roomba . Itll start puking when it sees the first one blow chunks. [ laughter ] on the plus side, we finally have a robot the japanese wont want to have sex with. [ laughter ] but they should, because. New strains of drug restistant gonorrhea have spread to countries around the world. Gonorrhea is beginning to outsmart our drugs. Stephen threat number 2 superintelligent gonorrhea [ laughter ] a study has shown that gonorrhea has become resistant to the oral antibiotic cefixime. So if youve got vd, cefixime will no longer cefixa you. [ laughter ] or anyone else meaning everyone is in danger. Everyone except for the number one threat to america bears [cheers and applause] jim . Scientists say panda blood could help stave off illness. Theyve discovered a powerful antibiotic that exisits in the bloodflow of giant pandas. Stephen thats right. Pandas have super antibiotics in their blood, and all this time they were pretending they needed our protection ooh, shelter us well die if someone looks at us too hard [ laughter ] and are they offering to share their superresistant blood . No theyre just waiting for us to be wiped off the face of the earth by super clap that wont harm them itll be planet of the apes, only the apes are pandas, and this time the planet is earth [ laughter ] e< [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight is a Senior Editor for the atlantic. Tonights interview will be anything but pacific please welcome tanehisi coates. [cheers and applause] thank you for coming. As i said, senior edit for the atlantic right here. Yes. Stephen youve got this great memoir called a beautiful struggle came out a few years back. Highly recommend it. Havent read it. Best recommendation. Stephen youre welcome. You are a black guy . I am most of the time. Stephen i cant tell. I dont see race. After obama was elected. I completely shut off my racial switch. People tell me im white and i believe them because i love james taylor. Right. Stephen as a black guy right. Stephen are you folks can i say black folks. Yes better than you folks. Stephen its like a line insert black. I can go with that. Stephen are you still excited about this first black president thing or have you got on over that . As a black folk. I dont want to speak for 30 million or 40 million or whatever the number is now. Stephen good. I think were pretty excited. Stephen still . Yeah, yeah. [cheers and applause] in fact, i would go so far to say that this is bigger than the last time. Stephen why . Well, because that was kind of no one saw it coming. Cinderella tale winning the championship and this is defending the championship and we defended the champion shism black folks are excited about that. Stephen africanamerican children can now look up to barack. As a role mold. Right. Stephen what about white children . They have to look up to joe biden, is that fair . No, no its not fair but [ laughter ] after 400 years, you know, this is like eight years of payback right . Stephen excuse me, it is payback. You stephen when do reparations start . Thastles a socialist power grab in the speech. He is talking about ending the partisan divide. Right. Stephen doesnt he have to take some of the blame . No. Stephen we had a congress and he was the variable. He was the x factor, the change. He got in there and no, no. Stephen suddenly were more divide than ever. The mid term election in 2010, right. Stephen we were angry right away. Right. Stephen i got angry extremely angry right away. Because he won though. He won. Stephen yes. Right. What you are saying is by winning he should have united the country. The only way to do it is by him losing. Stephen that would have united the country. He put his own desires above what is best for the nation average long with the people who voted for him. Stephen along with the people who voted for him. Stephen what . Along with the people who voted for him. Stephen they wouldnt have voted for him if he didnt run again. You are the son of a member of black panthers. Former member. Stephen they are not around anymore . No. Stephen do you not see them keeping white people from vote . Thats different. Stephen you were the good black panthers . Yes. Stephen were you ral callized as a child . Yeah, i would say so. I was radicalized. Stephen did obama fulfill your radical april genda. My radicalization held that there could never be a black president. If anything obama broke my world view actually. Thats, you know, what happened to america if anything it made me less less radical. I did a flipflop on that. Sawed back and forth. [ laughter ] stephen as someone who has been an observer of obamas presidency right. Stephen can we talk about Michelle Obamas bangs for a second. Yes. Stephen okay. What could you think . A rare misstep . Ah stephen dont get me wrong she