Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130123 : vimarsana.

Jon thats our show. Here it is your moment of zen. I think everyone will agree its been a wonderful inaugural ceremony, a delicious lunch, but its now time to head to the next happy stop, the captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and applause] stephen boom thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report begun everybody. Thank you for joining us. [crowd chanting stephen] what are you going to do with these people . Good for you. Sit down, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks folks weve got a great show tonight. Please, weve got to get to it. [cheers and applause] i understand the excitement because weve got a great show for you tonight. My guest is dustin hoffman, director of the new movie quintet about 4 retired opera stars, and in his film debut their friend buddy, who accompanies them on the spoons. [ laughter ] but first, im still reeling from yesterdays inauguration disaster. [ laughter ] first off, where was security . The secret service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. [ laughter ] enjoy [ laughter ] enjoy gitmo, malia. [ laughter ] and the more i think about, the less impressed i am with obamas speech. And its not just me. Its everyone on fox news. [ laughter ] the president made the case for big government. This speech today was an ode to big government. It was a hymn to big government. At his heart, i think president obama is a socialist. Stephen yes, at his heart he is a socialist. Ever notice how it shares the blood with all the other organs . [ laughter ] well sorry, obama, your class warfare isnt going to work. Fox news contributor and shamwow pitchman Stuart Varney knows the reason why. [ laughter ] rich people, powerful people, in america today, are reviled. Theyre dismissed as fat cats who dont pay their fair share. We just hate em rich people are evil. Yet, along comes this show Downton Abbey rich people prominently featured and theyre generous; theyre nice people; they create jobs, for heavens sake; theyre classy; theyve got style and we love em. That show is wildly popular, which poses a threat to the left, doesnt it . Stephen yes, it does. Stephen yes, the popularity of Downton Abbey proves that america loves rich guys. The same way the popularity of breaking bad proves america loves meth dealers. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] god, it would be so great to work for a rich aristocrat, like the fictional lord grantham. Just ask the fictional newsman steve doocy. Heres the thing the entire town loves the rich guy who lives in the abbey because he provides the jobs. He looks after everybody. He provides free medical care for everybody. Without him and spoiler alert, it looked like two weeks ago, he was going to lose the joint without him the place would go belly up. Stephen yes, he looks after everybody. Yes, everything depends on lord grantham. He pays for the Medical Clinic in town and two weeks ago, he almost lost everything because he invested poorly in the canadian railroad. And i believe thats how our society should function. One rich guy fails, nobody gets healthcare. [ laughter ] the point is his speech was a swing and a miss not just for what he did say but for what he did not say. It was a very bizarre, disordered priority of what our National Interests were. Where was the debt . Where was the deficit . Where was the unemployment . Where was the issue poverty in america, which has increased under his watch . Wheres the hopelessness . Stephen yeah, where was the hopelessness . [ laughter ] thats what the American Public wants [ laughter ] i mean, who could forget fdrs famous inaugrual when he proclaimed the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and also a second depression, rampant starvation, and my guts telling me europes a tinderbox. Ah, whats the point . Were all doomed i cant walk i cant walk [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] anyway, what are you going to do . Were looking at four more years of this guy, and thanks to obamacare, we might live to see it. [ laughter ] where did we go wrong . The republicans had everything going for them a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American Voter less than half of you are parasites. [ laughter ] and still still we lost. [ laughter ] and with americas changing demographics, it only looks bleaker for republicans in the future, unless science can find a way for latino women to give birth to old white men. [ laughter ] where is the funding, Koch Brothers . get on it cause its bad. Its bad, folks. In 2012 the gop lost the presidency, lost the senate, and lost the vote count in the house of representatives by a combined 1. 1 million votes. Republicans havent gotten an asspaddling like that since dc shut down madame kinks rump dungeon. [ laughter ] if its wednesday, ask for the trickledown. [ laughter ] and its getting so bad, that to win the presidency next time, republicans might have to change their messaging or their policies or the constituencies they serve. Thankfully, theres a better answer and that brings us to tonights word. [cheers and applause] win, lose, or redraw. Now, conservatives, dont weld your bunker door shut just yet. Because as bad as things look, there is one place republicans did hold on to power. Republicans continue to hold a majority in the house. Stephen yes, even though they lost the combined vote, the gop kept control of the house by a 33seat margin. And they did it without watering down the Republican Party platform. [ laughter ] how did the republican dozen it . Did the republicans do it . With a little thing called gerrymandering. [ laughter ] see, in 2010, republican state legislatures across the nation redrew congressional districts to make them a lock for the gop and in some cases, just to send democrats a message. [ laughter ] because thats the beauty of gerrymandering instead of voters getting to pick their leaders, leaders get to pick their voters. [ laughter ] and i say why not . We should trust our leaders. After all, we voted for them. [ laughter ] well, now that the gop has its gerrymander game down, theyre ready to take it to the next level. Republican legislators in the key swing states of michigan, wisconsin, pennsylvania and virginia are lining up behind. Proposals that would allocate president ial Electoral College votes by congressional district. As a supporter of this idea, Pennsylvania State senator Dominic Pileggi argues, the current winnertakeall system is inherently unfair because the losing party gets no credit in the electoral count. [ laughter ] yeah, the losing party never gets to pick the president. [ laughter ] this legislation just allows republicans to level the playing field. [ laughter ] here is the great part cuz if you applied this plan to the 2012 election, even though five million more people voted for democrat, the republican would have won the presidency by 22 electoral votes. Its win, win [ laughter ] its a cinderella story its like rocky [ laughter ] i will admit freely that its not exactly majority rule, but as much as i love the american people, sometimes the majority just dont know whats good for them. [ laughter ] so i say [ laughter ] so do it, republicans, over the next four years, our societys values will continue to evolve along with its demographics, so you must listen to these voters amake sn make s[cheers and appl] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. [cheers and applause] of course, if you are watching the news like i am, the big story that everybody is talking about tonight Barack Obamas power grab at the National Park service. [ laughter ] he wants to cut the number of Free Entrance days from 17 to 11 this summer. Once again boo boo barack is trying to put a government bureaucrat between yes . Excuse me, Stephen Stephen dustin hoffman, everybody stephen im doing the thing right now. Stephen, we need to talk. Stephen well, of course, youre my guest tonight. Dusty and i can i call you dusty . Yeah. Dusty and i had a great time making his new movie quintet in which i play the pivotal role of buddy, the spoons player. Yeah, about the movie, we need to talk. Yes lets talk sequel. Picture this octet, starring all the original cast, plus me in fat suits for three more roles. It will be like the klumps meets twilight. Fat, African American vampires. [ laughter ] actually, we made some changes in editing, and theres no easy way to say this, but stephen, im afraid i had to cut you from the movie. [audience reacts] stephen what . Im really sorry, stephen, this is how the business works. I was completely cut out of rain man. Stephen you won an oscar for rain man. Yes, for playing raymond. But originally, i was supposed to play both parts. They added tom cruise in post. [ laughter ] stephen but dustintin, can i call you tintin . Okay. [ laughter ] stephen tinny, you cant cut out the fifth character and still call it quintet. Youre right. Thats why we changed the name. Stephen to what . Quartet. Stephen quartet . Thats a stupid name for a movie its not a stupid name. Its not a stupid name spoons is a stupid character choice stephen you leave spoons out of this. I killed in that movie. Jimmy, run the clip. All that glory. Didnt i say she still looks like a young girl . Reggie, dont i get a kiss. Yeah, kiss her reg. Kiss professor mcgoneagal. Ill play the spoons i saved that scene. Use your eyes. You ruined that seafnl you ruined every scene you were in the fact is, stephen, youre not a good actor. [audience reacts] stephen so what are you saying . That youre not a good actor. Stephen okay. I see. I see. [ laughter ] stephen, what are you doing . Stephen im trying to cry on cue, so youll put me back in your stupid movie. Stephen, the movies already in theaters. Stephen just give me a minute god, i wish i had a dead pet. Stephen, its not going to work youre cut from the movie, all right . Stephen fine youre cut from the show. You cant cut me. The shows already started. Where are you going to get a replacement interview now . Stephen you hollywood directors are a dpiem a dozen. Anyone here a director . I am stephen its kathryn bigelow, oscarwinning director of the hurt locker got any projects you are looking to plug right now . Zero dark thirty. Good enough bigelow, youre in hoffman, youre out fine ill just go watch quartet, starring maggie smith, billy connelly, tom courtenay, Pauline Collins and not stephen colbert. [cheers and applause] bye, dusty bye, dusty [cheers and applause] i call him dusty because were friends. When we return, i sit down with director of zero dark thirty, kathryn bigelow. [cheers and applause] well be right back. 4 [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is an Academy Award winning director here to discuss her controversial film zero dark thirty. My idea for a sequel weekend at osamas. Please welcome kathryn bigelow. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. Good to see you again. Thank you. Stephen thanks for coming. Thank you for having me. Stephen last time i saw you, i dont think youd won the oscar for the hurt locker. I dont think i had. Stephen thats called the colbert bump. I want to apologize for not coming on the show when you wanted me. Stephen you bagged on me baby doll. I was spooked by the senate investigation. So i really apologize but i want to thank you for championing this movie. Stephen you got it. You cant soften up the beast that much. Payback is a biatch. Here we go. Oh, no stephen your film zero dark thirty its a fantastic film. If you havent seen it go, see the film. It stirred up the bees nest because the first 35 minutes it shows graphically and in wrenching detail, the enhanced interrogation techniques commonly known as torture. All right . [ laughter ] why do you think this is in such a hot this has been such a hot button issue . Well, first of all. Stephen why do you think its caused such trouble. Torture is reprehensible. Its been a very controversial issue. Debated since the early part of 2000 and its going to be continue to be debated. I would call this movie kind of first draft of history or maybe the first rough cut of history. Stephen without a doubt. Americans dont read books. [ laughter ] americans dont read newspapers. Americans go to the movies and this depiction of the torture, the investigation, the catching of bin lad season going to be our record just as surely as jim kabesil died for our sins. This is how well see it. This is ten years its accurate the way a movie can be accurate. Its ten years into two hours. Theres good Old Fashioned boots on the ground. The key piece of information that enabled us to find the compound in abada bad was in the files all along since 2001. Its many, many different facets that contributed to finding this compound. Stephen youve been attacked by liberals and the antenhanced interrogation crowd out there. All right . One of things i love about your movie is it has the liberals cojones in a door hinge. You had to include scenes of torture in the movie. You had to, it happened, right . It happened. Stephen if you didnt include it . It would have been white washing history. Stephen and the liberals would have screamed bloody murder as if you were torturing them. It was part of the history. We wanted to tell the story respectfully and honestly. Since its part of the history we had to show a few sequences of enhanced interrogation but theres many techniques that led to the compound in abada bad. Stephen theres talk youll be called to testify billion congress . I dont think one is ever ready for Something Like that i stand by the movie. I believe in the film. Im proud of the film. I wouldnt change anything in the movism its based on an honest telling of the story as we know it. Stephen youve done two films about our wars, hurt locker and zero dark thirty. Have you ever included a special thanks to george w. Bush . [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] um, you know its a very good point. Stephen be pleat. Its a good be polite. Its a good point. The credit in this movie goes to the men and women in the Intelligence Community who dedicated their lives for our safety. To to me is what i think is [cheers and applause] stephen what is next any thing a little less controversial like gun control, Something Like that . You are going to play a safe play it safe next time . I dont know if im capable of doing that anyway. Stephen if you get called up before congress. Youll come visit. Stephen im never going near that building again but have a good time. They are lovely people up there kathryn, thank you so much. Best of luck. The film is zero dirk