Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130126 : vimarsana.

I just love those beat. Thank you so much for watching. Now, if each viewer could just get 1,000 more people a week to watch we shouldnt get canceled. Its a very small price. Make sure you watch our next show when we give. Josh reinwald a web redemption for the worlds worst best man speech. Thats never the time to bring up abortion. Thats what he did. Harlan williams will also be with us. And also, make sure you go to our website comedycentral. Com tosh. 0 to see all of our videos and blogs. Last week we asked you to go to our website to tell me if my response video was racist. The results are in, no it was not, but all of the people who commented on it, are. Seriously go read the comments. People are fearless when no one sees you. Speaking of racist, last week we showed you asians doing Christopher Walken impressions, and we accidentally put the same guy in it multiple times. But in our defense, to a round eye, you do look similar. As a honky, i can say round eye, i think. We might pause and edit that out. I leave you with a lovely mashup of white girls doing bill cosby impressions. Im bill cosby. The pudding. What you got to do with if you put the pudding in the spoon in your mouth and twirl it out and spit it rudy. And camille. Im bill cosby. [laughi [laughing]. She has got a gift. Thank you. Well see you next 0 captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] stephen thats right. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks, please welcome welcome, ladies and gentlemen, in here out there to tonights information uplink. Thank you for joining us, folks. Folks, when im right, im right. And when im wrong, im often right, too. But when im wrong and im wrong, im big enough to change my opinion. [ laughter ] case in point, im no fan of the french. [ laughter ] yeah, they gave us that statue, but it turned green as soon as we put it up. [ laughter ] and i dont have to tell you what a money pit louisianas turned out to be. Jefferson should have gotten a gift receipt for that thing. [ laughter ] i have always seen the french as trufflehuffing surrender monkeys. [ laughter ] but it turns out theyre actually trufflehuffing surrender monkeys with family values. Jim . Hundreds of thousands of people opposing same sex marriage rallied on the streets of paris today. Frances president is pushing a plan to legalize samesex marriage and adoptions. Mama mia stephen just to be clear, in france the people with the pink signs dancing to abba are the antigay protesters. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] when it comes to the sanctity of marriage, it turns out the french are just like us they know that its adam and eve not adam and yves. [ laughter ] the french know that god ordained marriage to be between one man and one woman and that mans mistress, who is also the womans mistress. [ laughter ] but its very tasteful. [ laughter ] but its not just their opposition to gay marriage that has me feeling less miserables about le french its their newfound commitment to the war on terror. Jim . In mali, france stepped up military moves to stop islamic fighters tied to al qaeda. France this week dispatched 2500 troops and commenced air strikes. The u. S. Is very pleased that france is doing this, i think to a degree surprised. Stephen mais oui, to a degree surprised the us is. [ laughter ] up until now, the only thing that got the french angry enough to fight was serving a bordelaise sauce with fish. [ laughter ] france is putting the hurt to al qaeda in mali with planes, troops and its most sophisticated helicopter gunship which, in france, means a gunship that fires missiles at itself in a dadaist commentary on the cruel farce that is war. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] this bold bold military action even surprised the french, whose president , francois hollande, is perceived as so indecisive and weak, hes earned the nickname flanby, after a wobbly gelatin dessert. Oh, burn [cheers and applause] or as the french say, brulee [ laughter ] interestingly, one of the reasons that hollande is so unpopular in the first place is that hes the one pushing the gay marriage initiative. But as one paper put it mali could transform hollandes political image. Their wars make their leaders look tough, just like ours do [ laughter ] france just needs their own france to call pussies im gonna say belgium. [ laughter ] come on, belgium. Bunch of chocolateslurping, mayonaisedipping antwerps, who need to brussels sprout a pair [ laughter ] france, those are all free. [ laughter ] and its working for hollande with his mali intervention backed by 75 of the french, a shocking number, since french people normally cant agree on anything. Thats why the scaffolding for the eiffel towers been up so long. They cant decide what to build [cheers and applause] well it is about time about damn time the french are finally joining the war on terrorment theyre gonna get in there, kick some al qaeda butt, and get out maybe someday. If you substitute afghanistan for mali, it sounds a heck of a lot like the United States objective in afghanistan. In north mali you have islamic extremists, you have al qaeda, you have drug traffickers. This could become another afghanistan. This could be the next afghanistan. Stephen yes, the parallels are obvious. Its just like afghanistan, in that i dont know where mali is. [ laughter ] and the best part about this next afghanistan is that it wont be ours the usa is nowhere near this thing. The us now today officially involved in the fight being waged by france in mali. Us cargo jets have flown at least five missions in mali this week. Stephen sacre bleu [ laughter ] so is france about to get themselves into an americanstyle quagmire, or is america about to get itself in a french style menageaquag . Here to tell me is the director of the institute of french studies at nyu, edward berenson. Thank you so much for join us joining us. Okay. First of all, who or what is mali . And why do the french care . Mali is what. Stephen okay, good. Its in northwest africa. Its a big. Stephen how big compared to france . Up there. Its big. Its big. Stephen thank you for your [ laughter ] thank you for your precision. Why does france care about mali . Here is why france cares. Mali say former colony of france. Right . Stephen okay. Wait, they had colonies . They had a ton of colonies. Stephen really . There were countries that surrendered to france . [ laughter ] and for many decades. Stephen no longer colonies. No longer a colonies. The french gave up the colonies around 1960 but kept them on a longer or shorter leash depending on which country and how much stuff they had. Mali is in the middle of a part of africa where theres natural resources, tons of oil offshore. A lot of that oil gets dealt to the french on good terms. Algeria is a place where theres all kinds of stuff the french want and get. Stephen is this al qaeda in there . Its al qaeda. Stephen there a guy like bin laden . Is there a name i have to peoplerrize again . Not yet and i hope there wont be any. Stephen my abu and bin this and bin that bin is kind of full right now. [ laughter ] think of these groups is a combination of mexican Drug Organization and islamic terrorist group. How many names of mexican drug lords do you know . Not that many but you know they do bad things. You have narco terrorism in a way. In mali its a bad thing. Stephen this is going turn into an afghanistan for france or like a vietnam situation where you go in and you are stuck there . It could. But the french have, in the past decade, gone to other parts of west africa briefly and gotten out quickly. They went to the ivory coast in 2002 and 2011. They went in and got out. Stephen how come i didnt know they kicked ass and take names . I know about the freedom fries. . They know what is in their backyard and what isnt. They didnt think iraq is in their backyard but north africa is definitely their backyard and they are willing to go there. Stephen how do you say in french im sorry france, i didnt know you were bad ass. [speaking french] stephen what he said. Thank you so much for joining [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] i have to take a minute right now to talk about the big story tonight my anger and disappointment. [ laughter ] its been four months since the terror attack on our embassy in benghazi, libya. And every day since, the American People on fox news have demanded that the American People demand answers. [ laughter ] well, yesterday we finally had their chance to hold Hillary Clintons feet to the car on fire. [ laughter ] and at hearings in the senate and the house intellegence committtees, Congressional Republicans proved definitively that they suck at their jobs. [ laughter ] the senators and the Congress People who were interviewing her didnt drill down on these questions. Theres no sequential followups, half of the members are just making speeches. This was to be in the eyes of so many people the big moment, and these congressional interrogators did what they so often do they blew it. The republicans looked like weenies. Stephen yes, weenies [ laughter ] pink, plump and with just little bit of sphincter. [ laughter ] guys, you know i love you, but it was embarrassing, especially wisconsin senator ron johnson. Jim, roll the footage of hillary stomping rons johnson. No, again, we were misled that there were supposedly protests and that something sprang out of that an assault sprang out of that and that was easily ascertained that was not the fact, and the American People could have known that within days and they didnt know that. With all due respect, the fact is we had four dead americans. Was it because of a protest or was it because of guys out for a walk one night who decided that theyd they go kill some americans . What difference at this point does it make . It is from my perspective less important today looking backwards as to why these militants decided they did it than to find them and bring them to justice, and then maybe we will figure out what was going on in the meantime. Okay, thank you madame secretary. Stephen thank you madame secretary . [ laughter ] she just spanked you, ron i dont understand. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] unless thank you madam secretary your safe word . [ laughter ] and its not just that she got emotional, slapped them around, and walked out with their nuts in her attache case. [ laughter ] its that they say that anger was all made up. It was theatrics. Again, she didnt want to answer the question so she makes a big show of it. She lost her cool at one point which is part of the script. This has been going on for four months, shes had a chance to rehearse. This anger, this outrage, i can tell you was not spontaneous. Stephen now dont get me wrong, these guys know something about faking emotions they do it every day. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and i respect them for it. But in this case im not buying first it makes the republicans look weaker. Now they lost to something that wasnt even real. If hillary could fake that kind of anger, thats saying that every woman ive ever enraged might have been faking it. I dont think so, fellas. Ive infuriated my share of the ladies over the years and let me tell you, i get them there, okay . [ laughter ] they always seem pretty worked up. I can tell when its real, i mean, theyre screaming the whole time. Ive even had neighbors complain. Not to brag, but ive taken some women to a place that wasnt even human. [ laughter ] okay . Two, three times a day when i was younger. Of course. [ laughter ] now that im older, i mostly just get yelled at on my birthday. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] thank you. I dont even understand your applause and i like it. [ laughter ] anyway, the hearings were a debacle that left unanswered the one question they were really about. Is there anything we can use to stop hillary in 2016 . [ laughter ] ] stephen welcome back, ] everybody. My guest tonight has been a fixture of the fashion world since age 11. So, a little old to be a model. Please welcome Tavi Gevinson [cheers and applause] hey, tavi, nice to see you. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me. Stephen its a pleasure. Let me explain to the people a little bit of who you are in case they are not young and hip enough like i am to understand the world of fashionistas like yourself. Okay . You are 16. Yes. Stephen at age 1 1u started a personal blog style rookie. Next thing you know you are called the future of journal yifl by lady gaga and you founded rookie, on anline magazine. You published a book called rookie yearbook one. Some of the best righting in here. Yes. Stephen when are you going to start achieving something with your life . How did this happen . Did you set out to be ah a International Figure in fashion . No. Stephen did you not . No. Stephen what do you want when you started . I was extremely bored and i like stoonchts. Stephen they say boredom is the mother of invention. Its true, i think. I like read other blogs and i thought it would be fun and like my friends and family werent really interested in me talking about like tv so i took it to the internet as many of us do. Stephen okay. You are the youngest guest ive ever had on, okay . [cheers and applause] you know, this figure in fashion right now with the new book, you are a teenage girl. You are 16 years old. Yeah steencht how do you run an online magazine and write a blog and still deal with the problems of being a teenage girl or the opportunities, whatever . How do you live your life as a teenage girl . I mean, rookie is like for teenage girls mostly so its a really good outlet. Stephen not every teenage girl is running a staff. No, but i i guess i have enough people in my life who understand the, you know, downsides of Something Like that that i dont have to take that to the internet but the like average teenager stuff i have a nice place and community. Stephen do you go to school . Yeah. Stephen what are you taking . English. Stephen what is the book you had to read this year . What are you working on now . A poetry unit. Stephen what are you reading . Robert frost. Stephen do you have a favorite frost poem . When i get to it, ah . [ laughter ] stephen nice. I did just blow your english grade right now . My teacher is watching this, too. Stephen say two roads diverged in the woods. Yeah, right the famous one. Stephen the good one. Your magazine has positive images and messages for girls. If girls feel good about themselves, how are we going to sell them things they they dont need . You understand how it works . Yeah, i know. Stephen how do you deal with those pressures because girls are sold things they dont need. I do feel obligated to a lot of training bra companies. Stephen is that one of your major sponsors . Yes, yeah, no a major sponsor. Stephen we dont have those on my show. Can we get to Serious Business for a second . Yeah, okay. Stephen a lot of celebrities, you know, get asked to write for rookie. Yeah. Stephen what is that . They must be happy when you ask them. I bet they are really happy, that would be cool. Would you like to . Stephen what . [cheers and applause] maybe. I dont know. I mean seriously this is sudden. [ laughter ] i was thinking of writing a column from the point of view of a 48yearold dad. Great. Stephen and its called youre not wearing that. All right . And girls would send in photos of what they thought was okay to wear and i would take color forms and put new clothes on them and say this is what you are wear, what do you think . Fine, ill take it. Stephen that is called synergy. What do you think about my look . Fine. Stephen because i dont think i could do the bangs. We got direction of the different basic looks i could rock, okay . True. Stephen lets take a look at the different looks. This is tortured artist. This is the tortured artist. Stephen and ladies go for the tortured artist. I think so. Im told. Yeah. Stephen another one, jim. What is this . There were really great photos of the members of one direction modeling puppies if you carried a puppy and had boy band hair that would. Stephen that would be good for a 48yearold pair shaped man. What is this. Like a cool dad thing. Stephen the cool dad. Yeah. Stephen those words dont go together. Youd be surprised your show is very good cool. I watched it with my