Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130204 : vimarsana.

Jon thats our show. Join he is tomorrow at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. A pennsylvania man was laid to rest but not before the funeral procession made a stop ate drivethrough. Burger king. A whopper of a [eagle caw] stephen tonight, do states have to follow federal law . Only if it starts with simon says. Bailiff lf. [ laughter ] then, whats the latest news in the war on terror . The answer is redacted. [ laughter ] and my guest George Saunders wrote what the New York Times called the best book youll read this year. Jokes on them, im not reading any books this year. [ laughter ] eating lunch earlier can help you lose weight. Thats why i always eat tomorrows lunch tonight. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central this is the colbert report. [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen b. C. [ thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] thank so much. Please, nation, heros sit down. Welcome to the broadcast, coming to you, as always, in bonejostling sensurround [ laughter ] a lot of technology. [ laughter ] nation, for years ive been warning you about iran. Theyre almost as big a threat as our other enemy eerahn. Frightening. Also, freetening. [ laughter ] but now theres an even bigger reason to be afraid. Iran has Just Launched a monkey into space, lauding it is an advance in missile and Space Program that alarmed the west and israel. How did they launch a monkey into space . [ laughter ] stephen excellent question, gretchen. How did they launch a monkey into space . [ laughter ] the possibilities are endless. [ laughter ] did they use a giant slingshot . Or a monkey sized tshirt cannon . [ laughter ] or did they do the obvious put yellowtinted glasses on a monkey and wait until a Crescent Moon so it thinks its a banana and climbs up there himself . [ laughter ] how did they do it . theyve got rockets over there. [ laughter ] stephen huh. Theyve got rockets over there. I did not see that coming. [ laughter ] folks, all this time weve been worrying about enriched uranium iran has been acquiring weapons of macaque destruction. [ laughter ] it wont be long until icbms intercontinental ballistic monkeys are hurling their feces down on us from their suborbital tire swings what happened to america . When i was a kid, we led the world in airborne chimp technology, and every child dreamt of growing up to launch a bewildered, frightened animal into the icy void of space. [ laughter ] but sadly we canceled that program. And folks, this news could not come at a worse time, because the National Institutes of health announced a moratorium on new Chimp Research funding. And theyre retiring 110 governmentowned chimps, despite the fact that due to lack of funding, our chimp sanctuary system has no more space. So now all those apes that we could have humanely fired into the sun are going to be released onto the streets but im sure theyll be able to forgive and forget all that scientific testing we put them through and live together in peace. Right . Oh, my god oh, my god please. Weve got to get the ayatollahs to shoot our retired chimps into space. Oh, theyll never do it unless we tell them the chimps are gay israelis. [ laughter ] theyll do anything to get them off the planet. [ laughter ] but folks, the other threat to america is president obamas recent 23point executive order guncontrol graborama. [ laughter ] this is a fullon assault on our right to fullon assault. Thats why its more important than ever to remember the gun rights advocate battle cry. From my cold dead hands [cheers and applause] stephen fun fact that was his audition for when harry met sally. [ laughter ] yet they gave the part to meg ryan. Tough being a conservative in hollywood. [ laughter ] but this tyranny will not stand, man. True defenders of the constitution are fighting back. Bills have been proposed in all these states that would make it illegal to enforce any of the new federal gun control measures. Thats right. That means if an agent of the federal government tries to take your high capacity magazine, just call 911 and say police come quick someones trying to enforce the law. [ laughter ] then theyll send in a swat team to shoot themselves. [ laughter ] because these states know that these states that arent up here right now. You know which ones they are. [ laughter ] they know that theres a Higher Authority than some stupid law made by washington clowns on capitol hill, and thats some stupid law made by local clowns in your state capitol. [ laughter ] and nobody outstupids mississippi, where a new bill to protect state sovereignty has been proposed by state representative and man whose toys come to life at night, jeff [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] jeff smith. [ laughter ] this mississippi law would create a committee to help neutralize federal laws and regulations outside the scope of the powers in the constitution. Yes, all federal laws they disagree with would be neutralized. Its like legal febreeze. [ laughter ] and i think he might want some febreeze after those two tempura shrimp are done mating on his upper lip. [ laughter ] folks, each state picking and choosing which laws to obey finally realizes the vision of our forefathers. As lincoln said, a house divided against itself sounds fun whats the worst that could happen . [ laughter ] here to tell me the worst that could happen is former associate white House Counsel and coauthor of the great decision jefferson, adams, marshall, and the battle for the Supreme Court, cliff sloan. Friend of the show. Cliff, thanks so much for coming back. [cheers and applause] you got the book here. The great decision you know what you are talking about. Theres this word i hear tossed around and states saying were not going to obey the federal government. They call it nullification. What is that . Is it a Legal Technology i dont know about . Nullification is when state and local governments say a federal law is null and void because its unconstitutional and so they are not going to follow it. Stephen this is a settled practice. It happens all the time. Its happens and it has auld failed. Stephen what do you mean . When . The civil war was one example. Stephen anything else . One little example, how is the civil war tied to these kind of laws . Well, because the states the Southern States said eric with dont have to follow what the federal government, what lincoln is going to say in terms abolishing slavery. Its null and void and they took it a step further and is a seeded. After brown versus board of education, the Southern States passed nullification and they had to send troops to arkansas to ensure the federal law. Stephen where do the states get off . When does the state in the constitution that the feds can tell the state whats to do . Article 6 in the stephen okay, okay quick draw mcgraw over there. The tenth amendment said ifing something is not specifically covered the right goods to the states. Maybe nullification is say special right. If you think theres a constitutional violation you file suit in court. As the Supreme Court said in Stephon Marbury versus madison the Supreme Court said. Stephen the Supreme Court said the Supreme Court says what is constitutional. Thats exactly right. Stephen how conscreenent its called activity judges right there. Its called article 3 of the constitution because article 3 says that the judicial power of the United States rests in the Supreme Court and the other federal courts. Stephen theres nothing in the constitution that says the constitution is constitutional. Check and mate [ laughter ] wrong again. Stephen okay. Wrong again because the supremacy clause says that the constitution and the laws of the United States are the supreme law of the land. Its right there in the constitution. Stephen the states should pass a ratified new amendment that says be it known you are not if they did that it would be up to the federal courts courtso interpret it. Stephen will there be troops in tennessee telling local sheriffs to enforce this law . Thats not going to happen . This is rhetoric. They have the executive orders. One of the executive orders calls for a dialog on mental health. Stephen the federal government cannot come in with jack booted dialoggers and talk about things we dont wish to consider. If you want to object to the dialog file a suit. Can i recommend lawyers to you. Stephen i bet you can. And bring a case yourself. Stephen cliff thanks so much for joining me. Ill be calling the lawyer. Ill be calling the lawyer. Cliff sloan, thebook book so free Credit Scores redesigned site has this new score planner tool with these cool sliders. This one lets us know what happens if we miss a payment. Oh. This one lets us know what happens if we use less credit. Yeah. Whats this one do . I dunno. Speaking mongolian. Score planner is free to everyone. Free score applies with enrollment in freecreditscore. Com mongolian slider still in beta. [cheers and applause] welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] nation, im not proud of it, but some nights, i go too easy on our radical marxist homofascist secret kenyan travesty of a joke of a socalled president. [ laughter ] what can i say . Maybe im mellowing with age. And sadly, tonight is one of those nights, because barack obama has finally done something right in the war on terror. After years of empty promises, he is closing guantanamos office of closing guantanamo. [ laughter ] we did it finally, america can move beyond the sad chapter of trying to close down our gulag by the sea. [ laughter ] and theyre closing the office of closing gitmo not a moment too soon. I heard the conditions in that office were horrific. People held for years in cramped, poorlylit quarters and repeatedly watercoolered. [ laughter ] and more gratifying to conservatives like me, keeping gitmo open will secure this key part of george bushs legacy. Along with brushfree paths in crawford and the invention of the safety pretzel. [ laughter ] but the Obama Administration didnt abandon due process all by themselves. No, none of this giving up would have been possible without the heroic roadblocks thrown up by congress, which passed laws barring the transfer of detainees into the United States, that prohibited transferring detainees to countries with troubled security conditions. And restricted detainees from being returned home even if they had been promised it as part of a plea deal. Thereby upholding the constitutionally guaranteed right of habeus psych [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] now, the special envoy in charge of closing the prison daniel fried, seen here judging mankind and finding us wanting, has been [ laughter ] reassigned to work on issues like iran and syria. Thats just more obama cronyism. The guy fails at one job, so they give him a cushy post solving the middle east. [ laughter ] folks, i applaud the Obama Administrations mature decision. Clearly these detainees are going to be there until they die. So its time we embrace gitmo as a part of this country. And not as a place for permanently imprisoning people without charges in a kafkaesque labyrinth of human despair but more as a terrorist Retirement Community jihadi meadows. [ laughter ] after all, like our seniors, they wear brightlycolored jumpsuits, theyre often on a liquid diet, and we try our best not to think about them. [ laughter ] and who knows, Guantanamo Bay may even become popular with our own seniors. After all, its just like florida but with fewer cubans. [ laughter ] well be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest is the author of the short story collection tenth of december. Its about time somebody novelized the calendar. Please welcome George Saunders. [cheers and applause] george, good to have you back. Good to be here steencht its been five years since you were here. Too long. Too long. Stephen for the people who dont know, the few people who dont know you are a macarthur grant fellow author of several collections of short stories. Youve got a new scheks called the tenth of december. This is the thing. This is short stories. In the norkts magazine called it the best book youll read this year. Okay. [ laughter ] why do you write short stories . America likes big, go big or go home. We like big, huge, huge novels. Ill tell you why, the were good, were good. Stephen can you imagine this. Say you were madly in love with somebody and your mission was to tell the person that you love them. Here is two scenarios. One is you can take a week long train trip with the person, take your time. Youll be in situations, beautiful scenery. Thats a novel and the second scenario is stephen sounds really good. The second scenario you is step on the train and you have three minutes. So you have to make all that decoration in three minutes. That would be a short story. Stephen can i get on the train with her . No. Stephen why cant i get on the train . Because its a short story you are not allowed. You have to end it in eight pages and get out. Stephen its a short story i want to read. Where is she going . Why cant go i with her. Does she love me back . I have to know. Sometimes the short stories ends with that question, does she love me back . Thats it. Stephen why pay for a book . I want some weight behind the thing. Im sure its very good but i like to pay by the pound. [ laughter ] thats why i love ayn rand. Its just two covers and she shovels words in between. [ laughter ] the thing with the story is its kind of genetically related to a joke in that if i say, a duck walked into a bar then its kind of a throwdown. Everybody knows in three minutes im either going to be laughing or theres an awkward silence. Here in this story here is eight pages of a story and when you get to the end its either eh or the person is crying. Stephen i understand completely. Abducted on the train. Stephen so shorter is sometimes better. Yes. Stephen okay. And its like a joke. Because its kind of like this in life the clock is ticking. You see a friend, you want to Say Something. You want to give advice, you want to tell them you care about them but in real life time goes fast. The reader feels shes with you. The clock is ticking. You are trying desperately to Say Something important itses not easy you could blow it. Its almost like a pop song. Stephen is it a is joke or pop song . Its both. Its a pop song with a joke. Stephen knock, knock. S who there . Stephen short story. Short story who . Stephen sorry, pop song. [ laughter ] fair enough. [ laughter ] stephen here is another thing. Do you ever think, dont get me wrong, i like your stuff. I read one of these. [ laughter ] really . Thank you. Stephen i read one. My favorite one. Not quite two pages long. Why not a haiku . Why not enciewd it in dna and inject it into my mind . Take a short story and carve it on the head of a bullet . Why not that . Look for that impact. I love you dont get on the train. Bam it could work. It could work. [cheers and applause] it could work. Hemingway story. Stephen he told his own story. Did he indeed. He has a six word story. Its depressing. Says this for is sale, baby shoes, never worn. I know but you could make it happier. For sale, baby shoes worn out. Stephen because kept them on the baby too long. [ laughter ] stephen ive heard information is kingize queeneddized. You want to know everything. Want to know everything. Why does she love him so many snl they were everything for each other. What country are the king and queen on . Where they really is king and queen or just in each others eyes. You have a novelist thought for sure. Stephen are you saying i dont know when to shut snup. No, no. Stephen thank you for coming back. I look forward to the stories. George saunders the tenth of u,x a,xm m t5