Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130216 : vimarsana.

Last week i made a huge mistake. I got caught up in the moment and i encouraged you guys to go to our Wikipedia Page and write anything you wanted. [laughter] i had not idea the direction you would take it. I feel terrible about it and the great people over at wikipedia were forced to lock our page due to the vulgar rampant vandalism. [laughter] now im going to read some of your rude remarks, but im not rewarding you for your bad behavior. [laughter] someone wrote tosh. 0 is pronounced smegma. [laughter] okay, thats not even close to how you say it. Would you do that to the Encyclopedia Britannica . I dont think so. Someone wrote that im currently being tested for hep c. [laughter] that seems personal. [laughter] and i certainly wasnt, born in the year boner. Although i dont really know the chinese calendar. [laughter] they said, the running time of tosh. 0 was 21 minutes, approximately 2 minutes of actual comedy. [laughter] thats actually a real entry. [laughter] this is where someone went too far. They wrote, daniel often pinches a loaf in his hand and tosses it to a random audience member. Titties [laughter] anyway, these have been deleted from wikipedia, but we did manage to capture a few screen grabs, so go to our blog to read all the insanity that you guys posted. And once again, were very sorry, wikipedia. Would you please unlock our pages . [laughter] see you next week. Goodnight [applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing [eagle caw] [crowd chanting stephen] stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us [cheers and applause] folks, i have to tell you, these folks [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] folks, when you do that, you make me want to shake. [cheers and applause] nation, before we begin, i want to wish everyone a happy valentines day. [cheers and applause] i hope youre spending it with someone you love. And if youre watching my show, you are. [laughter] of course, when it comes to holidays, im an originalist. On christmas, its not santa claus, its sinterklaas. You leave out your shoes for him to fill with nuts and dried fruit, or, if youve been naughty, youre kidnapped by his moorish elfin sidekick black peter. [laughter] ho, ho, ho. [laughter] and i have the same rigorous standards for saint valentines day. I focus on what the days really about not the chocolates, or the beautiful flowers, or the fancy jewelry although i love getting all of that. [laughter] no, the true meaning of valentines day is all about the lword lupercalia the midfebruary roman fertility feast that st. Valentines day is based on. [laughter] as im sure you know, lupercalia is named for lupa, the shewolf who suckled romes twin founders romulus and remus. [laughter] folks, i say thats whats wrong with kids today not enough wolfteat. [cheers and applause] [laughter] so to the guys watching the show, a little hint, after the show tonight, i want you to celebrate a traditional valentines day by guzzling a couple of skins full of wine, sacrificing a goat to venus, wearing its skin, and racing through your town, whipping any women you pass with a short leather thong to promote fertility. [laughter] you know, romance [laughter] [cheers and applause] either that, or you know pick up some roses at the deli. Girls like that stuff. [laughter] nation, its been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even i used to be mad at wall street at this point, who can even remember who wired the Global Financial system to a roulette wheel while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison . [laughter] and yet the maddowblazerwearing ezra kleinholes out there are still calling for bankers to go to jail. Why cant they just let bygone pensions be bygones . [laughter] now the banks are also getting heat from congress. And not in the usual way, with a warm tongue bath. [laughter] no. [cheers and applause] two weeks ago [cheers and applause] calm down. [ laughter ] also a big part of lupacalia. [cheers and applause] two weeks ago, senators Chuck Grassley and Sherrod Brown accused the banks of not only being too big to fail but also, too big to jail. [laughter] maybe so. But havent they been punished enough with stinging wordplay like that . [laughter] and folks, i want you to know this is a personal issue for me because i have a lot of friends on wall street. Were supertight. They call me up and give me stock tips, and i pay them. [laughter] well, ive got some bad news for my bro kers [laughter] the government has finally grown a pair. The federal government and 16 states declared a kind of legal war on s p, the huge ratings agency. The Justice Department accuses s p of a scheme to defraud investors. The feds have filed a 5 billion lawsuit against the Rating Agency standard and poors, claiming that it committed fraud when it gave high ratings to risky mortgages. Stephen the government claims standard and poors committed fraud by giving triplea ratings to what it knew were worthless securities. Folks, thats bleep [laughter] bleep , by the way, also gets a triplea rating from standard and poors. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, today they come for the ratings agencies, tomorrow they come for the banks, and thats the last thing our economy needs. A gallup poll found that Consumer Confidence in banks is already at an alltime low. That includes the 1930s, when bankers lowered confidence by occasionally landing on consumers. [laughter] and i believe that an investigation will just make things worse. I dont think the banks are in any financial position to reveal what financial position theyre in. [laughter] take wells fargo. Their recent annual report said that the banks value is partly based on, quote, significant assumptions not observable in the market. [laughter] that means the value of the largest capitalized bank in the United States defies observation. [laughter] the human mind cannot perceive it. We dare not look upon it. [laughter] remember what happened to the accountants who opened Lehman Brothers books. [laughter] point is, i believe when it comes to our economy, there are things we just shouldnt know. Here to know them at me is financial writer and Washington Bureau chief of the new york times, david leonhardt. Dave, good to see you again. How are you . [cheers and applause] you are the author of new ebook here is the deal available on electronic everywhere. Dave, why are they going after s p . Do they have the goods on the agencies in. They may have the goods. The huge housing bubble and the banks were packaging together the mortgages. Caused by poor people being greedy go. Head. And s p comes in and said they are aaa rated they cannot go bad and they are perfectly safe. They did go bad. The government has emails with Standard Poors telling how they rate the thicks. They look bad. Is it criminal . Their defense is they are no different from journalists. Why not put financial writers like you in jail for telling us things are bad which undermines Consumer Confidence . [laughter] so back then there were a lot of journalists out there who tried to argue that housing was in a bubble and Standard Poors was one. Stephen were you one of them . I was. Stephen whoopdido. They said prices can never go down. Stephen if we go after the ratings agency, isnt the next thing to go after the bank . They are going after some banks. Stephen and how . There have been private suits going after banks. The government has not exactly put a lot of bankers in jail. Stephen any. Maybe not any actually. Stephen okay. Thats a fairly low number. Its a low number. Hard to go much lower. Stephen yeah, okay. Now [cheers and applause] thicks are different now though than in 20072008, right . They are a little bit different. Stephen back then it was too big to fail. Are they the same size . Banks are probably always going be too big to too fail. That is the miserable thing about this. A md yearn economy needs banks and probably needs big banks. Stephen if they are too big to fail and evidently too big to jail, do any laws apply to banks . They are supposed to amy to banks whether or not they actual lay ply is say good question. Stephen it is. Thank you. [laughter] one of criticisms is this notion that we allow them to make the profit and we the taxpayers take the loss. Stephen you say banks should have to pay for insurance ahead of time. Its one of ideas out there. Stephen what about aig. They were that. That didnt go so well. We had to bail them out to the tune of 160 billion to 180 billion. The actual ensurers are going along with the bank and s p and everything is going great, dont worry here. Thats your set aside this money in advance. You say you know what, even if everyone is tilling us everything is going great. Theres no way the market can crash we have this safety net. Stephen do you know why its a great country . Because anywhere else on earth we would line them up and shoot them. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. [cheers and applause] in the a block, i told you how some still think banks are evil just because after they photograph kittens for your checks, they bundle them into burlap derivitives and invest them in a river. [laughter] [cheers and applause] well tonight, the bankbashers can stand down. Because at least one prominent banker has finally been brought to justice. This is nailed em. Dhawz. [cheers and applause] five years after the Global Financial crisis americans are still angry at big banks. No wall street executives have gone to jail. No one has been held accountable. No criminal charges, no individual fines which was incredible. But now one Bank Wells Fargo has finally nailed the highest level white collar mortgage banker to date. My name is richard achieves. Im 68 years old. Stephen this is the face of corporate greed. Wells fargo Mortgage Center in West Des Moines, iowa. Stephen the financial nerve center at the greater December Moines metro des moines metro plex they brought the hammer down on him. Theres no place in banking. Banking is about public trust. Stephen the former head of fdic sheila bear spoke with us from deep within the bank vault. If you do something illegal you should suffer the consequences for it. Stephen make no mistake his crimes go way back. I was 18 years old in 1963. On this particular evening i was spending time with a High School Friend and today take his clothes through the laundromat. I cut out two dimesized pieces of paper. I would trying to see if the cardboard dime would operate the machine. Stephen he made a fake dime. That is called money fraud. He was arrested for this money laundering. For the next 50 years he ran from his past. [ laughter ] until wells fargo crack team of investigators uncovered the truth and did the right thing. [ laughter ] i was taken to a conference room. There were two individuals from Human Resources there plus my supervisor and they simply let me know that due to this criminal activity in my past i was no longer qualified to work for wells fargo. Stephen nailed em with this action wells fargo is sending a strong message toll all corporate criminals. Say good bye to your limo, your private jet, your luxury yacht or in his case his suburban estate and designer suspenders. Harsh, yes but thats the price of malfeasance in International High finance. I was not involved in high finance. I was involved in handling routine small problems that customers may have with their mortgages. Stephen close enough. Reached for comment wells fargo took a refreshing stand for integrity. Once we know someone has a criminal record we can no longer employ them. Stephen yes, because though confidence can be restored to the Global Financial institutions, a Mortgage Call Center employee from West Des Moines must be held accountable, right vault lady. I said a crime is say crime but that may be just. Stephen what . That does sound a limb people should be able to stephen what be a criminal . O no what to say to that. Stephen we do. Nailed em. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is the former mayor of San Francisco who started the wave of legalizing gay marriage. That must have been a tough sell in San Francisco. Please welcome gavin newsom. Mayor, good to see you. Good to be here. Stephen we have never met before tonight but i feel like were friends. Yes. Stephen because you were one of original members of colbert superpac. I was trying to influence you, stephen. Stephen 15. I think it was 50 a big spender. Stephen being on my show is cheap at twice the price. [laughter] you are the 49th Lieutenant Governor of the great state of california. Yes, sir. Stephen you are following two terms as the mayor of San Francisco. You have a new book here called zenville how to take the town square digital what do you mean by digital . Do i have to log on to the government . I want to peoplerrize a new password. We have a broadcast model of governing that i vote and i decide. You understand this intermently. You have seen the contours with the immediate why and music industry. Big is getting small and small is getting big. Technology has the ability to level the playing feel. Stephen what the bleep does any of that mean . Big is getting big and small is getting big . What are you talking about . Is there a sil von sl a bleep translator in there . What are you talking about . [laughter] its about the nature of the world were living in. Hire ashy is being challenged. Stephen i dont like i hierarchy is there for a reason. Im a member of it. Yes. Stephen you are Lieutenant Governor almost at the top of heap for your state. I want to democratize voices, real citizen engagement, two way conversations. I want citizens to be redefined. I dont want people to do things to me, i want people to do things with america its about Building Partnerships and community. Stephen what do you mean capacity . Every single one of these things could be carved on a stone and put in a guard as a mantra but i dont know what they mean. Im talking about community. Stephen bandwith so all of us can hyper link our engagements to democracy. I can make this bleep up, too. [ laughter ] im not making it up. Im not making it up. [cheers and applause] you have a whole generation of folks growing up as digital natives. Folks that understand a different language. You andry digital immigrants were learning the language. Stephen digital immigrants what do you mean . Were learning the language of technology. Stephen when i was a kid i had pong. Its even worse for you. Much worse for you. [laughter] stephen thats all right. He will get his. I got it. The whole point is you cant educate our children like we were educated. This whole idea that we continue to govern as were governing is no longer relevant to the world were living in. People are using the tools of of technology to solve problems peer to peer. To engage directly. Donors choose. Stephen i love donorschoose. Im on the board. Good example. People are solving the problems not for democrat. Stephen why are you a democrat if you dont want the government to fix things. You are the Big Government people. [ laughter ] i want government to solve the big problems but be less prescriptive on the how. Its about amplifying voices, getting more people to participate in the life of their city. Stephen if that is so important and effective why are you at the top of government why not resign and become one of groundlings you say its going to change the world. Its not about those in office. Stephen right, its not about you. You got it. Stephen why do i have you on the show then . Im a conduit opening up government being less prescriptive. Stephen lets talk about california. I dont trust the state completely because you have a bear on your flag. [laughter] california was a golden land of opportunity. Yes, it did. Stephen now its a degreing dust bowl of debt where education isnt free anymore and people are fleeing. Its got a smaller population than wyoming at this point. What happened to california. We just submitted a balanced budget for the first time in ten years. Stephen by jacking the taxes on guys like me. Which show surpluses over the next four years if we continue to be fiscally prudent. California is finally turning the corner. Dont give up with a state well more venture caple and patents than any other state in our nation. Its a remarkable place. 1. 9 trillion a year economy. The nations largest. Its an essential part of the future and fate of this country. Im a big believer in californias values and the people that make up the great state and i do not subscribe to this notion that the best days of california are behind us. Stephen can i Say Something . Yes,