Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130812 : vimarsana.

Here it is our moment of zen. You can never remember what Kim Kardashian did in the first place that you know who Kim Kardashian is but there she is. And now you know who she is so whatever she does, then you got to cover it i feel captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen welcome to the show, everybody. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thank you so much cheers and applause . Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Nation, lets get straight to the top story tonight me. laughter the world is abuzz over last nights show. It was my third annual colbchella Concert Series and it was without a doubt the third time we have done it. laughter my starstudded Video Tribute to the song of the summer lit up the twittersphere, though i do have to say, i am a little hurt that not nearly enough people have congratulated me on the height of my chorus line kick with the rockettes. cheers and applause . Yes. I am deeply hurt in that i believe i tore my hams string. laughter now, folks, if you werent here last night, youre probably in daft punk. laughter these guys they were a noshow because of an alleged exclusive agreement to appear on mtv, i assume because theyre 16 and pregnant. laughter but it turns out, it turns out thats what i thought but it turns out, as i explained in minute detail last night, that are surprise guests at this years vmas, so remember to act surprised. But it all turned out great because robin thicke showed up at the last minute to kick it wild style. End of story, or so i thought. Until some sharpeyed journalists over at the indy music site pitchfork questioned the honesty of my explanation sarcastically using, maybe robin thicke, his dancers and band were able to pull off an elaborate performance two hours notice or maybe it was the plan all along, an elaborate fakeout to promote daft punks appearance on the vmas. I got one thing to say to pitchfork busted you got me theyre good. We thought we tricked you by flying in the disco decepticons from paris in a it sophisticate pantomime to fool everyone, even myself, so committed was i. That daft punk was coming. All all just to help someone elses show on another network a month from now. laughter but we cant put one past you, pitch forng. Oh, what a load off. The guilt was killing me. And now that ive come clean, i can just do what i love, promote the vmas. cheers and applause . Which once again thank you. Its my calling. Once again, the vmas the appear on the Oprah Winfrey network, following the premiere of hysterectomy horrors with host lou diamond phillips. Set your vc cs. Nation, it pains me, that in a country of such wealth as ours, there are still so many in poverty, and it pains me even more when those people wont stop whieng about it. laughter i want a union. I i want safety regulations. I need all my fingers. laughter and now that whining is coming with a side of fries. Walkouts by fast food workers are spreading around the country. This week thousands of employees have gone on strike for a day. The movement is about money. Employees from mcdonalds, wendys any other chains want their wages doubled to 15 bucks. Stephen 15 an hour. What do they think, those arches are made of gold . The consequences, folks, the consequences of a wage increase are horrifying to contemplate. At last count there were 3. 6 million front line cashiers, cook and crew in americas fast food industry. A living wage would eliminate 3. 6 million poor people. Thats the kind of thing hitler used to talk about. If only someone had been around give him a happy meal. Layoff laugh and im not the only one with maximum rage over the minimum wage, so is fox news anchor and burst tube of pillsbury crescent rolls so is neil cavuto. Diever tell you when i was a kid you would be grateful for any job you could find. Now a lot of kids turn up their noses at fast food jobs and go begging at 11. A lot of folks would be happy with any wage, any time. Stephen neil and i are not fixated on our hourly wage. I dont know what i make an hour. That many zeros gives me vertigo. I want to support him in my new segment, rich white guys agreeing with each other. cheers and applause folks, if youre out of work, you get up off your sesame seed buns and take anything you can get. Just listen to neils inspiring story. All i know is as soon as i turned 16 and heard that a fast food chain called Arthur Treacher was opening a storr in my down in danbury, connecticut, i stood in line for a position, any position. I i got the job, and soon rocketed to relief managers then weekend manager and then by the tender age of 16 and a half years old fullblown manager. It all started at 2 bucks an hour. Stephen you hear that strikers neil made 2 an hour at age 16 and somehow still paid his rent and fed his kids. laughter and you know, folks, i know where . Eels coming from because when i was young i had a lowpaying job losing teeth for a living. laughter applause but with hard work applause yeah. Thank you. Thank you. With hard work and a little dumpster diving outside a hockey rink i turned it into a profitable business, and today you may know that tooth loss business as the colbert report. cheers and applause . My savings account right in here. I just wish i knew who that magical tooth fairy was so i could thank for her for making me independent of my parents. Please welcome the head of the Service Employees International Union mary kay henry. Thank you for joining us. cheers and applause . Okay, all right, lets get this straight. First of all, why are these people striking . The people in fast food shouldnt expect to be getting rich. Theyre just teenagers working parttime jobs. 28yearold is the average age of these jobs. These jobs are now the jobs that are available to people that lost good middleclass jobs before the recession, and theyre trying to make ends meet and are making a demand to make these bad, lowwage jobs, good middleclass jobs so we can get the economy going again. Stephen but why should this corporation have to pay these people more than minimum wage . Isnt it up to these people to pull themselves up by their own fry baskets. laughter these corporations are making millions and billions of dollars. Stephen you have a problem with that. You union people lets call a spade a spade here. Im using a bad word here and i know it might offend you, youre in a union. You union people hate capitalism and hate business. Were proud to stand with the fast food workers asking corporations making record profits to pay them a living wage. 5. 5 billion in profits from mcdonalds just this past year. And workers cant are work hard and cant even make ends meet. Thats wrong. Stephen okay, then get a different job. There are no other jobs to get. And we cannot have a strong economic recovery in the United States if workers dont have money in their pockets so they can buy goods and services so those companies can hire more people and we can have an economy that works for everybody in this country, not just the corporations. cheers and applause . Stephen these people are clearly on my side because you said the word corporations and they started clapping. laughter you want these people organized and in your union. No. Stephen you dont want them. Say it right now, dont join my union. The members of our union want these workers to succeed. They want to do everything they can to make sure fast food workers get 15 an hour because it will mean all the wage can rise in this country again. Stephen wont that mean the service jobs, the guy flipping the burgers, arent those jobs going to go overseas . laughter i have to drive my car all the way across the pacific into geng gong, to get a burger from a chinese guy. A very long lunch break. Stephen youve heard fast food called a guilty pleasure, right, okay . Part of the guilty i feel is that i know theyre being treated so poorly. laughter you know, and if that gets taken away from me, the food will lose some of its flavor. laughter you know what i mean . I wont feel as naughty when i buy it if i know theyre not being oppressed by a corporation. laughter same reason i like veal. I can taste the sadness. applause you know . Yeah, i know. Stephen youre willing to give that jiewp yes, im willing to give that up because people should be able to work hard, get by and get ahead. And thats the promise we made to every workener this country. People are working hard and barely getting by, and its wrong. And these workers are standing up for all of us, and theyre going to make these lowwage jobs good jobs, just like auto jobs became good jobs, service jobs can become good jobs. And thank god for the fast food workers for standing up and making that happen. Stephen thank you for joining me. The president of the service cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, you know, its hard to believe but its been five whole years since the Global Financial crisis cost the u. S. Economy more than 22 trillion. And were still trying to figure out who to blame. Was it the patriotic bankers willing to fut all on the line to make america the greatest economy in the world or the greedy reckless home grubbers looking for the cheap thrill of heat and shelter . We can argue all day. At this point, who knows which side has better lawyers. And yet, some people just wont let it go. Were this far after the financial crisis, and no ones in jail. Theres been nobody put in jail because of the financial collapse. It does seem extraordinary not one of them has ever been put in jail. No. Not one. Stephen oh, the angry mob wants a scalp, and Goldman Sachs c. E. O. Lloyd blankfein is practically daring them with that thing. cheers and applause . Well, everyone can finally calm down. Because we got him. It took five years but this morning the government is celebratings its first big victory in court, in its attempt to hold wall street accountable for the fnld crise. Former Goldman Sachs trader fabrice tourre, known by his nickname fabulous fab has been found liable for fraud for his role in a failed mortgage deal that cost investors 1 million. Fabrice tourre is found liable for defrauding investors. It is a huge victory for the s. E. C. Stephen a 1 billion fraud out of a 22 trillion meltdown. Let me do the math here and see whats going on here. And that is. My calculator wont take numbers that large. So how did how did the sleuths at the s. E. C. Prove this mastermind knowingly misled his investors . He sent emails saying he knowingly misled his investors. Saying, the entire building is at the risk of collapse at any moment. Only potential survivor . The fabulous fab. Standing in the middle of all these complex, highly leveraged exotic trades he created without necessarily understanding all the implications of these monfrosts. When that email came out, folks, everybody on wall street had the same reaction we should hire that guy. During his trial febreeze had an explanation calling the email a silly romantic email to my girlfriend. I mean, that makes sense. For instance, this is the valentines card i gave my wife this year. How do i love thee . Let me count the ways. Use, arcane account methods that hide of majority of my love in a Shell Corporation in theica men caymen islands. applause anyway, they threw the book at him. After all, this man oh, straight the global subprime crisis from his lofty perch as a 28yearold midlevel trader. Sorry, gordon gecko. Your days of flaunting your six flags flash pass are over. No more threemartini lunches at quiznos, and dont even call. They will not be holding your table anymore at jardin dolive. Well beight right cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back. My guest tonight plays the cofounder of apple computers. Its a lot like the bill gates biopick, but sleeker and twice the price. Please welcome archton kutcher. cheers and applause . Ashton, hey. Good to see you. Good to see you. Thanks for coming on the show last night. Absolutely. Stephen youre an impressive guy, okay. Actor, producer. Youre a bit of a tech entrepreneur. You help fund spoddify, air b b, and in 2009 became the first twitter user to hit one million followers. Is that cheers and applause now youre playing steve jobs in the biopick jobs, opens august 16. How are you a fan of jobs . Did you come at this as a super fan of a tech genius . I came as a admirer of his work, and i had a lot of friends in the Tech Industry that knew him and loved him and worked for him, were berated by him, but felt he definitely made them better. laughter . Stephen that berated thing i like. Yeah. Stephen that inspires people. Yes, it does. I kind of think he was like a great football coach. I had a football coach in high school, he was also my uncle, which was a little weird laughter he used to abuse me verbally, consistently, constantly stephen naik name . Did he call you a nickname . bleep . Stephen so thats endearing, bleep . When he wanted to be kind. He really pushed me, and i think he made me better. And i think people that had the capability to take steve jobs brutal honesty, he made them better. Stephen okay, we have a little clip of the movie here. Jimmy, can you show that . Your big bald brain wanted something that didnt exist, so you just willed it into existence. What do you call the system, the operating system. Operating system. Its a realtime display of current operations. You can see what youre working on while youre working on it. Okay. This is freedom. This is freedom to create and to do and to build and and artists, individuals. Look, youre overreacting. Even if you were developing this for freaks like us and i doubt are you nobody wants to buy a computer, nobody how does somebody know what they want if theyve never seen seen it . cheers and applause stephen did you have to like him to do this part . Because i hear im not an actor, but i hear that actors have to find a little bit of themselves in the person that theyre portraying. laughter and if hes a little bit of a dick, did you have to find a little dick in you . Well, you cant judge your character. Un, you know, steve jobs, even though he was like a luminary and this brilliant genius, he was also a person and he had flaws and he had scars and he. Personal wounds. When he was a kid he was adopted. And i think when he found out, he felt very rejected by his birth parents. And then he was rejected by the very company that he created when apple fired him. So i think the way that he sought love and appreciation was through the products that he built. And i think that he was such a perfectionist and so driven to actually make something that people loved and appreciated and make the consumers happy, that the way he received love, if they loved the product, it meant that they loved him. And to me, once i found that chord in the character, i was able to sympathize with him being aibility of a dick. laughter . Stephen his emotional state could have been peg to the stock price. If the company was doing well, he was doing well . I think that thats the other thing that made him extremely innovative. He understood that he didnt have to be beholden to the stockholders. If he built a company and built Innovative Products that consumers loved and appreciated and he did it intelligent inteltly by vertically integrating all the hardware of apple with the ipod and iphone and those things, i think what he understood is if he made a great product that people love, that the effective that would be that he would have happy stockholders. Stephen wow. Youre throwing me off a little bit here. laughter no offense, no offense. Okay. But youre known for playing not the smartest character. laughter applause okay . Youre coming off as smart right now. Youre coming off as smart. I can bring this all back. I can bring it all back. Stephen youre playing, like, this genius, and from what i understand from that documentary i saw, you cant find your car. laughter applause did you ever get a chance to talk to jobs himself . Did you ever get a chance to meet him . Because i work with a lot of young entrepreneurs that are developers building on apples platform for a long time, i got invited to go to their Worldwide Developers conference to meet steve but i was working on two and a half men that day and i couldnt go. I think when he passed away, i realized that i had a chance to meet the Leonardo Da Vinci of our day, a guy who was a true artist and true inventor and innovator, and i missed it. So when i read this script, i thought this would be a great opportunity to get to know a man that admired. applause stephen well, arton, good luck. The movie is