Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130819 : vimarsana.

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ] stephen welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Nation. Stephen, stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stephen please, sit down, everybody. Please, weve got to get going. Folks, nation, lock your doors and board up your windows because america is in a state of panic. I hope youre wearing a clean diaper because the United States government in cooperation with cable news has once again taken us to code brown. Jim . High alert. Is an attack imminent . Americans have been put on notice. They may not be safe this month. A Global Travel alert is now in effect for all americans around the world. Thats after sources say theres growing intelligence that alqaeda is planning an attack. As a precaution, the u. S. Is closing 22 embassies and consulates. U. S. Officials say an attack could happen anywhere in the world at any time. It could happen literally at any moment. Stephen yes, an attack is imminent, any moment, anywhere, any time. Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people could be terrorists. And what about that guy in the middle who keeps looking around so much . Whats he planning . Folks, this warning is exactly why we invested hundreds of billions of dollars in our intelligence gathering, surrendered our privacy and let the n. S. A. Turn the constitution into a choose your own adventure. So we can get concrete, actionable intelligence like this. Al qaeda appears to be planning Something Big although we dont know the exact target or the exact method. We still dont know the time or date or target of any attack. What we dont know is the exact date, the exact location thats going to occur or the nature of it. Are they going to attack embassies or hotels . We just dont know. Stephen thank you n. S. A. Now we know americans just need to avoid this area. [ cheers and applause ] folks, without any details, im not even sure how panicked im supposed to be. At least during the bush years i could look at this helpful chart and know that my sphincter tightness was orange but even thats gone now because obama gave all those colors to the gays for their rainbow. [ cheers and applause ] but despite the uncertainty, nothing is being left to chance. In fact, the state department announced the closed u. S. Embassies will remain shut through saturday due to an abundance of caution. Yes, its important to remain abundantly cautious until saturday. After that, the terrorists would have to rebook their flights. And thats a 100 change fee. Plus theyd have to take off work again and reschedule the babysitter. Its a nightmare. Anyway, you know, folks, if you watch this show, you know i am a born sportsman. In fact ive been told by many doctors that i have athletes feet. This is the sport report. [ cheers and applause ] first up on the sport report, baseball. Folks, like any redblooded american male im an avid watcher of our National Pastime huzzah huzzah for the whitestockings. Give whatfor to those finks on the brooklyn bridegrooms but lately our beloved game of ballandstick or rounders, as the kids call it, has had to clean house after another performanceenhancing drug scandal. Personally i was all for watching a bunch of weaponsgrade humanoid monsters turn this sport into their own personal pacific rim but unfortunately it is against the rules and today the hammer came down on one of the games most recognizable larger than normal faces. Theyve announced that third baseman Alex Rodriguez of the new york yankees and im read inning directly has been suspended without pay for the remainder of the 201 season and also post season and the entire 2014 season as well. For violations of the joint prevention Treatment Program and basic agreement. Stephen thats right. Alex rodriguez or arod has been suspended through the end of next season so if hes on your Fantasy Baseball Team it is time to swap him out for a different hobby. Seriously, youre an adult and your wife misses you. Now rodriguez has allegedly been connected to alleged doping operations at biogenesis an alleged miamibased alleged antiaging clinic allegedly. For that m. L. B. Baseball suspended him a total of 211 games. Otherwise known as what a single baseball game feels like. [ cheers and applause ] now, folks, baseballs confidentiality agreements make the facts of this case a bit of he said, she said, then he flippedded out in a roid rage and punched a water heater but the leagues evidence against rodriguez is rumored to be damning. They probably have evidence that he tampered with the investigation and maybe even tampered with some of witnesses. They feel he not only violated the drug policy. He then tried to go around and buy up evidence against them. Stephen serious stuff. The league grew even more suspicious last summer when rodriguez won his 7th tour de france. Personally, folks, i think the baseballs making a huge mistake here. A twoyear suspension may sound like a lot to you and me but not to someone working so hard to live forever. Rodriguez can just wait baseball out in his private hermetic chamber of fetal bovine serum. On a personal note my thoughts go out to arod. Im sure hell have a tough time being away from the game he loves while continuing to play through his appeal and collecting 61 million in guaranteed salary even if his career is over. But remember thanks to biogenesis he has to spread that 61 million out over the next 2,000 years. Of course, folks, baseball is not the only hotweather game. As you know, every summer on this show i announce what sport we are all going to be obsessed with. In years past it was timber sports, canoe dancing, dressage, and the shortlivedded horse canoechopping. Well, get ready, folks, because this summer we are all going to be into the hottest new game out there. Combat juggling. [ cheers and applause ] kids love this. Kids love combat juggling. Now, i know combat juggling sounds complicated so let me break it down for you. Its juggling plus combat. Jim . What a move there. screaming . Stephen booyah [ cheers and applause ] oh, baby [ cheers and applause ] that is some primo comejug. You just got served, one imagines. Folks, this is the sport for you if youve ever seen someone juggling and thought, man, id like to punch that guy. And make no mistake, folks. Comjug is hard core. Combatants must disrupt their opponents juggling by throwing a club high in the air and attacking them before catching their club and resuming a threeclub juggle combining the skill of mixed marshal arts with the highstakes excitement of a fourth grade birthday party. Folks, there are so many great comjug variations including zombie bomb cat and sumo combat where two jugglers try to force each other out of a circle and of course solo combat where you stay home kissing a pillow because the girls at school found out you do combat juggling. [ cheers and applause ] folks, im swept up in comjug. I love it so much that i wish other street performances would add a combat element like caricature artist thunder dome. Two men enter, one man leaves with a giant head hitting a golf ball off the Empire State Building or ultimate balloon animal wrestling where you not only have to pin your opponent but time him into a poodle. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight isy acclaimed british actor whose new blues album is called didnt it rain. Will it be recorded in england . The answer is yes. Please welcome hugh laurie. Nice to meet you. Thank you so much for coming on. Im a huge fan. Good to see you. Likewise. Stephen thank you very much. Well, this is going very well so far. Yes. Stephen actor novelist musician, played dr. Growing rehouse on the tv series house for how many seasons . Eight. Stephen eight seasons, wow. [ cheers and applause ] stephen okay. You also are amuse i cannian which i was not aware of. And you had a blues album already called, it was called let them talk. Yes. Stephen sold a million copies in this musical atmosphere you went in england triple platinum. [ cheers and applause ] i didnt know you could so much as whistle and you sold a million albums. Whistling is my weakest suit. I have to whistle in one of the songs we do requires whistling and i cannot for the life. I just cant do it. Stephen why did you agree to do it then if you cant do it . Not only did i agree to it. I volunteered that. Why would i do that . I dont know. It was sort of a strange, selfdestructive. Stephen blues whistling. Some of the great delta whistlers. You dont hear so much of it now. Stephen not so much anymore. Not from me. Stephen why is a white english guy i assume youre white because of everything youve done. I dont see race. But anyway, why are you recording the blues . That is the great black american art form. It is. It is. Thats absolutely correct. Stephen are you coming to apologize . I will concede that i appear to be monumentally unsuit for this task. However, this is music that i have loved since i was. I suppose being english i could be trying to sing records of gilbert and sullivan or duran, duran. Stephen or gilbert and duran. The whistling brother. But they just didnt touch me the way this music touched me. When i was very, very young. Its music ive loved all my life. Stephen you have a new album called didnt it rain . You can see its on the cover playing a very, very small piano. Adorable. Do you have to live the blues to play the blues . Because i always heard youve got to live the blues. To play the blues. Well, obviously im going to say no because thats the position im in. Stephen yeah. Youre an International Star who was until last year the highest paid man in a drama. Thats not exactly sharecropping. No. Youre absolutely right. I was handsomely compensated. Stephen and a handsome man as well. Thank you for that. Stephen youre welcome. [ cheers and applause ] but heres what i would say. My point is that to me this music, i would hate for this music to be just put in a box of sort of a sociological category of American Folk Music that is only. It omahas meaning because of the experience and the period from which it grew. I think of this music as high art, as high as this. Some broke singing don giovanni down the road. Stephen since you played house for so long, do you still have the prescription pad by any chance . Because i could go for some like vicodin or. I actually do have a stock of the relevant stationery. I really do. Stephen did you take it and think, you know, this might come in handy later if i lose everything. I suppose i was thinking charming memento, but as you say it could come in handy if things go south. Stephen do you sing on these albums . I do. Stephen do you sing with an english accent or an american accent . Im not really aware. I dont consciously do it but i think i think with an american accent. Stephen you kind of get into house and then. laughing whats the first step for you to conquer the american accent because for an american to do like a british accent you have to first get in the mind set of like, you know, beans and dried fish is is a great breakfast. You know . Actually i would say, i think thats not fair. I think breakfast is one of the things we do do well, almost as well as you do it over here. Its a great bond between england and america. We understand breakfast. Stephen i understand. I apologize. Thank you. Stephen i apologize. Jazz is the americas greatest gift to the world. I would say jazz is americas greatest gift. Stephen really . Not to denigrate other gifts. Blues i think of as a sub set of jazz. Stephen all right. You know what englands greatest gift to the world is . America. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for joining me. Thank you. Stephen hugh laurie. The album is didnt it rain . Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, thank you so much. Folks, its no secret i Love Television and unless youre watching this online tomorrow, you do too. And if you are watching this online tomorrow, remind me to pick up my dry cleaning because im pretty sure i think i will have forgotten. Of course, especially i love base i believe cable and my network Comedy Central, which is part of mtv networks whose Parent Company is viacom which is wholly owned by dr. Sinister. Good luck blowing up the sun, sir, were all pulling for you. Keep those checks coming. But sadly someone is trying to horn in on basic cables turf because the four major broadcast meth works have petitioned the f. C. C. To loosen indecency rulings which limit foul language and and deshuns of nudity and sex. Do you know what this could mean . They may Start Talking about sex and boobs on two broke girls. Instead of household budgeting which is what i assume the show is about. Whats behinds the change . Well, thanks to the rise of cable tv, the internet and video games, abc cbs fox and nbc say that the rules are archaic because the networks have lost so much cultural clout. How right they are. They simply cannot compete with that bastion of clout and culture known as basic cable home of such some physician ticketed cultural fare such as the symposium on the ancient dynasty of duck. And the channel of learnings informative series and this is for real the man with the 132pound scrotum. Every he episode is a cliff hanger. Now, folks, i fear. [ cheers and applause ] i fear that network audiences are simply unprepared for the rich cultural feast we serve up in cable. For instance, here it is. I hold in my hand an actual and i cant impress upon you enough actual glossary of terms approved for use by my employers at viacom. It is words such as these that the broadcast networks are spending vast amounts of time and money to have the legal right to say on our nations air waves. Joining me now to give life to this cultural document is awardwinning british person and recovering network star sir hugh laurie. [ cheers and applause ] sir hugh. Balls. Nutsack. Bang, banging bitches. Circle jerk. Oochie juice. Deush bag, dry hump, goddamn, goddamit. Hammer, hand job. Depending on context. [bleep] stephen im sorry. Youre not allowed to say that one. No . Stephen thats off limits. You said circle jerk. Stephen i know. But instead of [bleep] thats off the network. You have to say that one. Whack my bag. Stephen titties. Mantits. Pecker. Penis. Sitting on your face. Stephen you know what . You know what, hugh . Why dont you take this next one. Oh, no, i wouldnt dream of it. You please. Stephen youre the guest. All right. Thumb in butt. [ cheers and applause ] stephen thumb in butt. together thumb in butt. Stephen so, broadcast networks, good luck with your cultural appeal. You can whack my bag any time. Well be right back.