Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130913 : vimarsana.

Yearly pair of gucci pyrotechnicon loafers. How will i know its spring . Even worse, beblasio tricked voters by running this heartwarming ad featuring his biracial family, a cynical strategy that bloomberg rightly called racist. Yes, what is more racist than falling in love with a black woman and fatherrering a child just so you can claim youre against stop and frisk . laughter and and, folks, for the record, i would definitely frisk that kid. I mean, think about it. He could be hiding anything in that fro. Did we learn nothing from the 19 70s harlem globetrotters. Ladies and gentlemen, theres an even bigger biracial problem in this country barack obama. Last night, our socalled commander in chief attacked our tuesday night lineup to talk about syria. We had to miss americas got talent, just to watch americas got serious reservations about this. laughter to get the support of the american people, obama hit below the belt, if you wear your belt right above your heart. Jim . Assads government gassed to death over 1,000 people, including hundreds of children. Stephen now hes playing the death card. Thats not fair. No one can resist that, other than joe lhota. laughter i say i say, folks, i say, if obama reallimented to sell us syria, he should have taken a page from the people selling us siri because pushing the iphone and a war are a lot alike you just say that the new one is smaller, faster, and cheaper, and people will buy it, even though theyve lshed got one and theyre still paying off the previous model. cheers and applause people are very excited about the iphone 5s. Despite the medicines speech was moot on, arrival thanks to john kerry. Is there asking at this point his government could do or offer that would stop an attack . Sure, he could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the International Community in the next week, but he isnt about to do it and it cant be done, obviously. Stephen but remember the old saying you cant sell cant without can. Russia say real game plan in what some considered a gaffe, encouraging syria to take action saying were calling on the syrian authorities to not only put weapons under International Control but also for its further destruction. This morning syria said it accepted the russian proposal to place chemical weapons under International Control. Stephen oh, my gosh, that is so embarrassing. The russians outmaneuvered the obama administration. Its like were playing checkers, and putin is playing shirtless chess. laughter on horse. Un thats not easy. Well, folks, there it is. Crisis averted. Now, Congress Suspends its vete on a military strike, the u. N. Secures assads chemicals stockpiles, and the Syrian People can go back to booing killed with conventional weapons. Everybody webz. Of course thats just my analysis. For more lets get the republican response from senator rand paul who made the rounds on the cable news shows last night after first delivering the traditional state of the rand speech. Paul has been opposed to military action in the beginning and was thrilled by russias diplomatic proposal. I dont know whether to trust the proposal or not. The question is are they serious . Can we trust the participants in this plan . Stephen right, you cant always trust. For instance, that thing on your head, you assure us its hair but i have yet to be convinced its not a slum berg wombat ready to strike its any time. I agree with rand paul we cannot trust russia or syria. We shipment do anything. The violation of every norm for someone to kill civilians, and i think assad should be accountable. Stephen absolute, got to hold him accountable, otherwise, what are we as aination, notholdaccountablestan. I agree with rand paul no, jim esh the second rand paul, okay. We must hold them accountable with the president s plan of limited strikes, send a message. They have said the war will be unbelievably small and limited. To me that sound like they are preannouncing that the military strikes will not punish assad importantly or effect regime change. I think assad deserves death for this. Regime change, shock and awe, bombs away. Fing we bomb assad it will be more likely the countries becomeses more unstable. Stephen i was wrong. This is the rand paul i agree with because think about it if we take up on the the guy who gases children, somebody bad might take over. So just to recap rand paul says no diplomacy, cant do nothing, but no to the president s plan, and no to regime change. laughter i mean, taken all together thats really. Calm you know what . Im not sure how i would describe rand pauls response to the president. You know what, rand paul, how would you describe rand paul . I think hes been a little bit here air, little bit there, and a little bit everywhere. I dont think he makes any sense. Stephen you know what . You could not have said it better yourself. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you, nation. Ive been talking about highway or bunglerinchief in botching the syria conflict. Its not just what he says about sir yoo. Its what he does while saying it. Just check out this photo released by the white house last week of obama calling john boehner to say he would seek congressional approval. Yeah. Look at that. laughter are you as mad as i am . Well, just wait till you find out why youre so mad. The white house sends out a photo of president obama with his foot on his Oval Office Desk. Im so disuftd right now. Commander in chief contemptuousliy put his foot on the Oval Office Desk and the picture put out by the white house. Desks are not for your feet, mr. President. Its the hand i have a problem with, not the foot. And hes not wearing a jacket. laughter stephen foot on the desk, hand make a finger gun, no jacket. You might as well just lay on the mall and pretend the Washington Monument was his penis. Come on laughter applause i mean, i mean, for petes sake. At least at least put a jacket on that thing. I mean, how dare how dare this man desecrate the president s desk who does he think he is, president bush . President ford . President morgan . laughter folks, theres something even more sinister at play. That photo is sending a secret message that so far only conservative radio host Andrea Shea King has cracked the code on. As she wrote, is it possible president obama had a white house photographer release his official image to the world to send a wordless message of support to the muslim brotherhood, arab spring, and Islamic Community in general to convey his disdain and disregard for all things traditionally american . It is, after all, Common Knowledge that the aeb world considers the bottom of ones shoes the ultimate sign of disrespect. Of code cracked. laughter applause cheers folks, this i i this is worse than creeping sharia. This is creeping shoeria. Its not just foot gate. Obama is sending coded muslim messages everywhere you look. Last night he delivered his syria speech on a giant prayer rug. laughter and check out this one photo i found. Nothing more american than a hamburger, right . Wrong jimmy, enhance. Hes holding an islamic cressant. laughter and theres another one in his iced tea. laughter and follow me down this rabbit hole ham. Mass. Ham. Mass ham. Mass. Hamas. He supports them could he be more obviously promuslim eating pork and going to church . I should have seen this all coming when he went bowling during his campaign. Clearly, hesabola. Hezbollah. Well be right back. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight, pleads welcome sheryl crowe. cheers and applause cheryl, good to see you. Nice to have you on finally. Its so great to be here stephen weve met before. Yes, yes. Stephen mostly hang out at the grammys, you know, stuff like that. You, of course, p. Beautifully with kid rock. I have, indeed. Stephen at the rally to restore. That jon and i did. Thank you for doing that. cheers and applause stephen that was fun. Other people might know you from your music career. Yeah. Stephen okay, you are a ninetime grammy award winner. Youve sold more than 50 million albums worldwide. Michael jackson can kiss your ass. Thats insane. Im so much bigger than him. Stephen i know. Why have you done so much . At the beginning of your career you told us all you want to do is have fun. Isnt that clearly a lie . Dont you really want to have an incredible work ethic . No, not at all you. Stephen still want to have fun . I still want to have fun. Stephen you want to get drunk in the morning . Thats true. I have two little kids. Theyre used to it, though. Stephen well, you look good for somebody who wakes and bakes. I have a crack team that works 24 hours a day to get me looking like this. Stephen can you give me their number . You dont need it. Stephen thank you. Youre a good guest. Right now, this is your eighth studio album. It is. Stephen its called feels like home. It is a country album for you. It is. Stephen youre a giant rock star. Why are you trying to steal jobs have you heard their lyrics . Theyve had terrible lives. Its been hard enough on them their wife has left them and their dog is dead. Two things a lot of drinking in country. People write about drinking. And secondly, there is a lot of money. Stephen really . Lets play up that. They dont play up the money as much. No. They never say, make it rain. laughter because its something of a departure for you, or did you always want to be a country star . You know, brad paisley im going to drop a name he said you need to make a record in this format. Lets make this story to the point. In pop and rock, you can leave your lyrics a little nebulous. But in country, you tell a story. So stephen i love that brad paisley. The song of his with ll cool jay. Do you remember that one . I do. Stephen did you have an accidental misogynist on it . No, no we dont. Stephen youre also a bet of an activist, arent you . I am. Stephen in 2003 in agreement you won a shirt that said no war. Anything youd like to say about our possible involvement in syria. Im a lover north a fighter. I dont think war seaver the answer. laughter . Stephen not at all. Not at all. Think about world war ii and how you would have appeased hitler . laughter applause . Cheryl, i thank you so much for being here. Would you sing a song for us . Id love to. This is a performance by sheryl crowe. Sheer a song from the new album, feels like home. Ladies and gentlemen, sheryl crowe. We said that summer captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Central world views headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [applause] [cheering] jon hello, everybody. Im jon stewart, and boy did we put on a program for you, our guest, mr. David crosby. Im very excited. We begin tonight, of course, president obamas address on syria. Im kidding around. Thats not the big story. The big news last night was not syria, but there was new yorks mayoral primary, bill de blasio won the night with his incredibly awesome family. Theyre blowing kisses through the crowd. A very photogenic family. Jon i rarely say this about the media, but youre underselling it. Photogenic doesnt go anywhere near what these folks are. Check this out. Ladies and gentlemen, and now the smackdown. Reporter the entire family, including son dante and daughter kiara did a weird gymnastic move that brought huge cheers from the crowd. [applause]