Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130920 : vimarsana.

cheers and applause stephen right there, come on. You and you and you. Steve en, stephen, steph en stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen dheers plaus. Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. It is out there. Ladies and gentlemen. Please, folks, nation, i will make one thing perfectly clear about how i feel, all right. Nation, do not get me wrong, Michelle Obama is a lovely lady, friend of the show. But ever since she started her lets move campaign to combat childhood obesity, shes been cramming her prohealth agenda down our throats, throats that should be packed with chili cheese fries. laughter as god intended. Well, the nannyinchief has gone too far. Michelle obama has encouraged americans to eat better and get more exercise. Now she wants people to drij more water. Water is the best and easiest choice we can make to feel energized, focused, healthy and refreshed. Drink just one more class of water a day and you can make a real difference for your health. Stephen one more class of water a day . But then i would be drinking one glass of water a day. laughter do you realize that water is the same thing they put in toilets . Think, like just listen the reason behind this. The center for Disease Control says that more than 40 of american does not drink enough water daily. And 7 of americans dont drink any water. Stephen maybe so, but those 7 get plenty of hydration from watermelon flavored jolly ranchers. laughter watt certificate right in the name. Excuse me, i dropped my pen im so angry. laughter folks, and may i remind you that jesus hated water. laughter yes. Thats why he turned it into wine. In fact, he refused to even get into it. And folks t is time to fight back against the forces of big hydration. So tonight i am calling on all americans to just say h2no and boycott water. Do to the drink it and do not use it for anything. Okay . If you want some koolaid, do what i do and just snort the powder. laughter of course its not just michelle, im also not a huge fan of barack. From day one i have vowed to stop obamacare or die trying. And knowing my luck id almost die and then get nursed back to life by obamacare. And folks, i am not alone in my crusade. Yesterday the Republican Leadership announced their simple yet simple minded plan to cripple all Government Health care. The groundwork has been set for a monumental showdown on capitol hill and it all comes down to a very simple formula, either democrats vote to defund the train wreck that is obamacare or they will risk shutting down the federal government. This week the house will pass a cr, that obamacare. Can you see the smile on my face. Im so happy because i think were getting to a consensus with the republicans. I think we can take a victory lap. Stephen yes, a victory lap because obamacare is dead cheers and applause weather or not weather or not whooo maybe. Because there are still a view wrinkles to iron out before this brave act of extortion takes effect. You know that these things probably wont pass the democratically controlled senate and the president would veto it even if it did. Theyre putting something in there that is absolutely a nonstarter. This is like saying we can pass a budget if you can prove theres life on mars. Stephen but if there is life on mars at least its going to have to buy its own health care. And folks, when it comes to stopping obama care there is no time to lose because the stool sample is about to hit the fan. Two weeks from today the First Americans can start signing up for the exchanges under obamacare. Its the first of october. Stephen obamacare is coming, folks, run for your lives, no, wait, dont run for your lives, that will make you healthier and thats just what he wants cheers and applause folks, worse, worse got to remember that. And folks, worse than the costs or the bureaucrats on the death panels, the most dangerous thing about obamacare is that people might like it. laughter as conservative writer byron york recently yorked, the white house knows that once those payments begin repeal og bamacare will no longer be an abstract question of removing legislation not yet in effect. Instead it will be a very real matter of taking money away from people it is very, very hard to do that. Yeah. Stephen its like the old saying, give a man a fish, hell eat for a day. Try to take that fish away again and that guy will [bleep] you up with a halibut. cheers and applause and folks, the key to implementing the president s plan are the socalled obamacare navigators. Now what does an obamacare navigator do . So youre asking with what does an obamacare navigator do . Stephen yes, i am. They help uninsured residents sign up for the states expanded insurance program. Stephen thank you,on. They help you learn about obamacare. Thats why republican lawmakers are restricting and regulating Health Care Navigators in 16 dates. In 16 states. They are withholding information from the public. And no one is working harder to keep their citizens in the dark than the sunshine state. Jim . Tension over how to implement the Affordable Care ago or o bam ra rar obamacare appears to be surfacing again in florida. This time it has to do with the socalled fav gators who are supposed to help people wade through the system to sign for health coverage. The Florida Department of health is saying that those navigators cant operate inside county Health Department offices. The state department of health put out a notice saying navigator its couldnt, quote, conduct activities on the grounds of the Health Department. Stephen yes, we need to keep the Health Care Navigators away from the uninsured. Because shouldnt the search for health care really be more about the journey . laughter besides, besides, folks, just who are these navigators . They could be dangerous. I mean just listen Florida Attorney general and friends mom you had a crush on pam bondi. These navigators will help our consumers throughout the country most personal and private information. Tax return information, Social Security information, and our biggest fear, of course, is identity theft. Stephen yes, these navigator kos steal the identity of the uninsured poor. That could ruin their credit rating. Thats why florida is putting another safeguard against the poor learning about obamacare. While Health Centres can accept brochures and other outreach material about insurance, the materials will only be distributed if someone asks for it. That makes sense. You can only ask for the material that will inform you about the program if you know about the program enough to ask for the material. Then, then applause then you just have to fill out the mobius form. Hopefully, folks, hopefully one of these plans will kilo bamacare, if not, i guess republicans can just vote to repeal it again and yes, i know theyve already tried that 41 times, but you know what they say, if at first you dont succeed try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again. And if that fails, try, try, try, try, try, try, try well be right back. Tri, tri, tri, tri, tri, trii, a iikikpdwn 6[yjmnnn jq0dhdl ul4hd2eul cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much folks, you know they say two wrongs dont make a right. But i reserve the right to say theyre wrong twice. This is tip of the hat, the wag of the finger. cheers and applause nation, im no fan of muslim extremists but to fight extremists sometimes you have to think like extremists, or the very least know their dietary restrictions. Would you expect to see pork on your breakfast plate or perhaps in your san witch but how about in your guns, ammunition . Stephen no, i had not thought of that. Please go on. A company in north idaho is selling these bullets, theyre called jihawg ammo. They target islamic extremists because in that religious anything made with pork is considered unclean. Stephen no unclean western will be admit mood paradise an receive the 72 virgins they are promised after death. Stephen thats right. Now i did not think it was possible but they have made bacon slightly more bad for you. laughter so folks, a tip of my hat to hamunition. You see nonhalal bullets are the perfect way to sen our enemy the message that we only linlted at when we killed them hinted at when we killed them. And you can trust the folks at jihawg because according to their web site they came up with the idea while sitting around a camp fire enjoying an adult beverage. cheers and applause that is, of course, always how you get the best ideas. Remember, jonas salk came up with the polio vaccine while huffing rust olium around a trash can fire. And jihawg does not skimp on quality. They brag that their porcine coating is infused with the highest quality pork products made right here in america. Because, ladies and gentlemen, when youre shooting someone, you cannot settle for substandard pig slurry. My only worry is that no american is going to waste bacon bullets on their enemies. Theyre going to want to fire them directly into their own mouths. I know i am always looking for faster ways to get salted meets into my face. But as good as they are, bullets are kind of small portions so im call on jihawg ammo to step it up and invent the hamgrenade. Folks, a wag of my finger at sexiest sexiest man alive george clooney. Hes always sticking his perfectly formed nose where it does not belong. And now he is doing it with technology. George clooney has his eyes in the skies. The actor tells the guardian that hes using a Spy Satellite to track the dictator omar albashir. He keeps a watch on the dictator he army an informs on their movement. Stephen clooney, nobody cares if you tie your kite and fly it over africa. Look f are you serious, if you really want anyone to Pay Attention to albashir, put your money where your mouth is and start dating him. Okay . Make him your goto arm candy on the red carpet. You do this, and it wont be long until the press gives you guys a cute couples name like geomar al balloony. In fact, i say we should make all of our wanted criminals alist lens meat. I mean it took the cia over a decade to find bin ladenment but if the tmz had been on the case they would have found him in four days and gotten an uprobe shot. Well be right back. 0q8t8t n. n. n. n stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is a singer songwriter whose new album is called from here to now to you. But if hes here to now to you, then who is there to then to me. Please welcome jack johnson. cheers and applause hey, jack, good to see you, thanks for coming on. Jack, thanks for coming on, man. My pleasure. Stephen how are you. Great. Stephen now listen, the few people out there who may not know what a big deal you are, you stole 15 million albums, youre a singering songwriter, surfer, filmmaker and you grew up in hawaii, right . Right. Stephen so let me begin by saying aloha. Aloha. Stephen and by that of course i mean helloha. Not the goodbye aloha because that would be inappropriate. What does that mean. Just back to you. Stephen back to you, okay. Im a fan of your music, done get me wrong, okay am but i got a problem with you, okay. I like rock n roll because im not afraid of rock n roll, rock n roll, i request keep my and we are a lot of rock n roll. Because there is some anger in rock n roll, you know. Your music is so chillax that im afraid i wont be able to keep my rage. How you can be so chill. Where do you put your rage . Do you store in anywhere on your body . Perhaps your perhaps your feet . Thats why shoes just burst into flames when you put them on . Its a common misconception. Stephen you have no anger. No, i do. The rock n roll, actually we have a thing called the awards in hawaii, our grammys and i won best rock album so it iss all relative. I was rock the hardest of anybody that year. laughter cheers and applause stephen dont get me wrong, dont get me wrong, i like the music but you rocked the hardest . In hawaii. Youre insulting all of hawaii right now. Stephen no, no, no, not at all. Not at all. I guess it is hard to thrash on a ukelele. Ill give that you. Stephen all right. Now you write a lot of love songs, okay. Ill give that you. Stephen how many love songs have you written to your wife . I dont know. Probably 30, 40. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen wow. Has she forgiven you yet for whatever it was . I think so. Stephen yeah, because how do you how does a jack johnson relax, you know what i mean. Because if your career, if your career path is strumming on a guitar and singing to the ocean, how do you kickback, like crawl into a pillowcase full of baby lambs or get a massage from a octopus made of feathers . How do you wass relaxing to you because your work is relaxing . Yeah, i dont know. Stephen would you like to join me . Would you like to join me in trying to keep a feather afloat. Sure. Stephen do we do it together. Stephen well go back and forth. When it comes closer. Stephen ill send it over there, you ready . laughter oh cheers and applause stephen well owe be right back with a performance by jackson son. cheers and applause stephen here to perform a song off his new album from here to now to you, ladies and gentlemen, jack con son with bahamas. cheers and applause got to get home roots on the ground the birds are back whistled just that the young learn to fly i cant believe that my tree is dead started with sleeping i guess it got fed up with not being fed and i would be too i need food in my belly so i tried to understand what i can net in my hand whatever i find find my way back to you if you could try to find too the place overgrown the wax and no wherever we are back of my house theres a trail that wont end we went walking so far it grew back in and now there is no tread at all the grass growing tall get my machete and battle with time once again im bound to lose all be damned if we dont win got to get home theres a garden reading begins old family trees spread their own roots and watch the young grow again this old slednote will grow right back to where it began i try to understand what i can in my hand and whatever i find find my way back to you xd if you try to find it too because this place is overgrown home is wherever we are home is wherever we are home is wherever we are