Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130924 : vimarsana.

Bet you all had forgotten. But i even got you a cake. There you go. Its a, its actually a bunch of cake, some fresh, some spoiled. Bundled into a larger cake derivative, all right. Now fair warning there might be some poop in there too. laughter but its mostly cake. Now folks, it feels like only yesterday that banks were taking unethical risks with everyones money because they were also doing it yesterday. laughter but america is defined by its resilient resilience. No matter what mistakes we make, we pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves off and come together with the courage to deny that we ever made a mistake. cheers and applause these people get it its like that old saying about whatever it is you are supposed to do with history, i forget. The point is americas economy is back. The dow is reaching record highs. The Housing Market is rebounding. The Auto Industry exists. And even young people are finding good jobs in construction. And folks, this is good for everyone. As they say, a rising tide lifts all boats. Also, buy a boat or youll drown. Because 9 95 of income gains since the recovery have gone to the top 1 . But i know, i want to cheer too. laughter but dont fret not rich people. You will get your share because our economy is like a pyramid, okay. We rich are at the peak and soon the money will start trickling down to you people so be patient. And if you ares good, you can be buried with me in my pyramid. laughter so if you ares a middle class american, wondering where all the money in this recovery went, dont worry, its in good hands. laughter living with me now. By the way the money says hi it wants you to know that its happy now and it wants you to be happy too, but you have to move on. Because its not coming back. In fact, its gone to a farm upstate. In that i used it to buy a large farm upstate. But folks, just because they dont have any monies, doesnt mean i dont believe in the american middle class. They are the greatest people god ever put on this earth who given half a chance there suck the governments teet until it is as schriff eled as a balloon in february. Look at last mpts job report, the share of americans who are either look working or looking for work is at its lowest level since 1978. Back then the only Growth Industries from 6 million mantech support, disco fever vaccine researcher, and Farrah Fawcett poster squeegee men. And i am not the only person whose job it is to criticize people who are out of a job. Aka the takers are exploding while the labor force, aka the makers are imploding. In a nation of handouts, who really needs a job. The number of people signing up for food stamps increased by an average of 11,000 per day throughout the obama years. More people are getting food stamps, cell phones, housing assistance, rental assistance, heating assistance, you name it. I name it . Oh, oh, i love make your own news, all right. Free marshmallow peeps, silly straws, rolls of tin foil, hot tub full of caramel, magical talking there is no limit to the amount of stuff i can imagine they get for free. The point is cheers and applause stephen the point is, the point is i des piece these moochers because they done even have the decency to des piece themselves. And that fact brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause folks, under barack obama entitlement programs like food stamps have exploded. But i remember a time when needy americans didnt flaunt their lack of wealth. Listen, i know there is a big thing trying to destigmatize food stamps but the good part about the stigma is it actually does serve as an impetus to get people off of it. This explosion of entitlements, and the sense of shame is gone. There is no shame any more. Shouldnt there be at least some stigma . It used to be that somebody was on food stamps, it was lake hey, theyre on food stamps, you know, loser. Stephen yeah. laughter its like christ said, blessed are the meek but what a bunch of, you know, losers. laughter applause cheers and applause and its not just people too lazy to work who are gaming the system. Its also people too injured to work. There are a lot of people claiming disability now. And you know what can be considered disability these days and get ssi at the age of 40 or 50, your back hurts or you have a Mood Disorder. Now these things did not exist when we were coming up. A Mood Disorder . Stephen a Mood Disorder . I mean who has a Mood Disorder . [bleep] do it right now wait a second cheers and applause stephen wait a second. Technically thats not a Mood Disorder, thats a mood superpower. laughter but folks you know what, that, all of that, thats just talk. One crusader in portland, oregon, is taking action. Working alone, like all Great American heroes. Youre batman, youre ironman. And folks laughter this, this new superhero does not fly, he fliers. Portland police are now looking into the fliers found around portland neighborhoods that are threatening people with disabilities. At least 75 people have gotten those flyers and 14 neighborhoods. Now the flyer claims those with disabilities threaten democracy by accepting government benefits while voting. Stephen yeah, you see, if you get disability and you vote, you might vote to keep your disability. Its simple. Its the same way its the same way that if you ares on fire and you vote, you might vote to keep the fire department. laughter but folks, the flyers dont just identify the disability problem. They promise to identify the disability people, jim . The author suggests that receiving benefits makes people with disabilities a threat to the republic, and then with what the city says is an underlying tone of violence, the author states that the names of people who are disabled in the neighborhood are now being posted where they can be seen by taxpayers. Stephen and to set an example of transparency and accountability, this hero signed using his real name, artemus of the wildlands. laughter stephen i dont know. I assume that is his real name. Now folks, i will tell you what, i think artie is right. We need to know names because sometimes i cant tell whos disabled by looking at them. And thats why this hero is going to name names so the neighborhood can decide who is truly disabled. I mean yeah, what do the doctor was diagnose them know. I want a Second Opinion from the old guy who waves at traffic. Its like, think of it like this, its like were all joining Neighborhood Watch calling the police to report a suspicious car. But for the record, i dont want to be cold hearted about this. These disabled deserve more than a snap judgement which is why communities should apply a standardized test by throwing the disabled in the river. Now if, it works like this. If they drowned, if they drown we know they were disabled. And deserved every penny of government assistance that sadly they no longer need in their watery grave. Now but if, if they dont drown, if they dont drown they were making it and we should burn them at the stake. Now i know i know it sounds a little drastic but folks, when youre dealing with people who feel no shame, sometimes you have to be shameless. And thats the word. Welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. Folks, you watch this show, you know i love beauty pageants it is so refreshing to see a tv show that celebrates attractive people. And no pageant is more american than the miss America Pageant. After all until the 1930s its how our country chose the first lady. laughter stephen of course when fdr came into office he changed the law so the president merely married whatever cousin could lift the largest pallet of bricks. Now last night the miss America Pageant was held in atlantic city. So of course the judges were Steve Buscemi and mr. Monopoly. laughter now i am proud son of South Carolina. And this year miss South Carolina represented our state admirably. From our home thats how we roll, miss South Carolina. Stephen thats right. 20 of our homes are mobile, which means they could leave South Carolina and yet they choose to stay. That is Palmetto Pride cheers and applause or, or, or possibly a lack of gas money. laughter but miss South Carolina has some tough competition this year from contestants like miss kansas who boldly sported a serenity prayer on her rib cage. Not everyone was thrilled by it as piers morgan learned after this neck stapping mid broadcast subject change. A complete segue from one red line to another, a red line with crossing the world of beauty pageants in miss merck we had teresa veil who sported a very large tattoo. Would you ever allow such a thing in your pageants . We dont encourage it im not a fan of tattoos. I have seen many people get the tattoos and i dont know what is going on nowadays but everyone is getting tattoos. Many of them regret it later on. Stephen clearly donald trump does not believe in any body modification. I mean laughter he he has not he has not changed a thing since the day he was born. Hes still babbling unintel i believeably and covered in orange goo. Though i think, i think, i think and i mean this as a friend, donald, its time to take the plas enta off your head. Now unfortunatel unfortunately unfortunately, folks, the crown did not go to my beloved home state of South Carolina. Instead it went to my beloved over home state. Your new miss america is miss new york cheers and applause there she is, a beautiful lady, nina dav you will lurei the secretary contestant from new york to win that paejt. The 24yearold is also the first miss america of indian descent. Stephen the first time a woman of indian descent has won the crown and i for one could not be happier for her. And twitter as usual could not be happy. Jim. Racist backlash popped up on social media when twitter guys lots of racist reaction to this choice. Some people calling her a foreigner, an arab, even a terrorist and up set this happened so close to the 9 11 anniversary. Weve been tracking the comments, 705 tweets, actually referencing miss america terrorist. Stephen thats right. 705 people saw a woman in a bikini and thought muslim extremist. laughter i for one, i for one condemn this twitter backlash as pure xenophobic reactionary hatespeech which would be completely fine if she were an arab. But shes not. Miss america, 2014 is indian, and that is an inspiring story. Because many moons ago white men came to the new world, conquered the indians land and gave them nothing but beads and diseases. But this one brave. Stephen. What is it, im waxing poetic. Shes not american indian, shes from india, in asia . laughter stephen oh, okay. Well then columbus was right. Anyway applause i want to say congratulations to miss america nina davuluri. Thanks to you young indian girls can now dream of advocating world peace in a two piece. Well be righ righ welcome back. Resulting and he thinks thats a bad thing. Please welcome andrew bacevich. Wring thank you for coming on, good to see you, welcome back. Thank you very much. For professor of history and International Relations in boston university, vietnam vet, 23 years 6 military service, retired army continental el and a new book called breach of trust. How americans failed their soldiers and their country. All right, this sounds like youre not in favor of military intervention in other countries to solve the worlds problems by the united states. Im in favor of military intervention where it makes sense. Stephen syria. No. Stephen lets bring those people to the boomboom room. laughter well, if we actually cared about the syrian people, im not sure that dumping missiles on damascus is going to do much to alleviated. Stephen targeted strike, smart bomb. The people suffering are in refugee camps. Stephen dont bomb the refugee camps. Im with you. Stephen i will go out on a limb and say that. But youve gone so far as to say that you done think, tell me if i get this wrong, that any military intervention by america over the last 30 years has been worthwhile, that theyve been a waste. By and large, if we think about the war for the middle east, weve been engaged in a war with the middle east for 30 years. Stephen this doesnt include vet nam, vietnam was worth it. No, that was also a waismts i was there. Stephen you were there, okay. But more recently our efforts to use our power to stabilize the regions, to democratize the region, to make the people in the region love us, it aint worked. And so to imagine that opening up a new front on this war in syria, and youre to think youll get a different outcome, i just dont think so. Stephen but do we want them to love us. Dont we also want them to fear us because then they will respect us. These are countries full of, bad men, doing bad things, dont we, you know, isnt our responsibility to send in military force with the children of people i dont know . Well, if our efforts actually cause them to respect us or even to fear us, then you could argue that maybe what makes sense but thats not been the outcome. You also have to remember that the people we are sending in, that is to say our soldiers pay a horrific cost for the wars that washington decides we must fight, 1 percent bears the burden of service and sacrifice. 99 of the rest of us watch whether that is democratic, whether that is moral. Stephen do you think our present military system is democratic. I think it is fundamentally undemocratic. If our military system is undemocratic, my, you know, my instinct is to have our military invade our military system to bring democracy here. laughter cheers and applause i think the answer is to have the people in to bring dem october tee democracy to our military system. Stephen are new favor of a draft. Im in favor of every 18yearold should owe service to the country, the community, some serve in the military, other serve in other capacity. Stephen of the people without just clapped, how many of you are 18 . Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Yay make them go. Okay. But the people would freak out, right. If you did that, if you introduced legislation saying americans must do x, y or z, dont you think me and my buddies in the tea party are going to say government interference and the people on the left are going to say but they need to do the Community Service to get them into college. I mean theres no question that its going to be a tough sell. The way to make the sale is to persuade people that our current definition of citizenship is insip i had, its thin. I am owed prerogative, i have no obligation. We need to move to a conception of citizenship that provides prerogatives, privileges but also entables obligation. Stephen do you have a problem with what you call thank you for your service types, what dow mean, people come and say thank you for your service. By the way, thank you for your service. laughter and i know you mean it. Uhhuh. But i think there is a serious question to be asked, what does thanking soldiers for their service entail on the part of the rest of us . And it ought to entail something more than simply saying thanks or putting a Bumper Sticker on your car. Better you than me. Well, i think to some degree thats the implication, the unspoken implication, better you than me. But it ought to be us. The army ought to be the peoples army. We should reinstitute a tradition of citizen soldiers. Stephen but if everyone would go into the army, i think we would do what you are saying and not send kids off to wars. Yes. cheers and applause stephen mr. Bacevich, andrew bacevich, breach of trust. Well be right back