Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131003 : vimarsana.

theme song playing cheers and applause Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you with us. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being in here, out there, all around the world. Ladies and gentlemen, i only have one question for you are you ready to get these bastards . Yes stephen how long have they had a free ride . Too long laughter . Stephen folks, thank you for being with us, on this, day two of the federal Government Shutdown and surprise, surprise. Were all still here. Is there is nothing the government provides that cannot be replace the by an individual with a pine cone wielding dagger will require. And we will get through this, folks, because we have done it before. Its been 17 years since the last Government Shutdown. The last federal Government Shutdown started in 1995. It was a budget dispute between president clinton and newt gingrich. It lasted 28 days. Stephen stephen back then i packed a survival kit for the next time the government shut down. Lets just unpack this bad boy. Hold on. Lets see, lets see. Lets see what i got in here. I got i got my caroline in the city mug. I also have a glove from o. J. Oh, this is exciting i havent seen you in a while. Its m my tamagotchi pet. And its dead damn you, obamacare and most importantly, ladies and gentlemen, to heal a divided nation, with the power of music, i packed away the number one recording star of 1995, please welcome ciewlio culio . laughter oh, god. Culio. I i should have punche punchee air holes in this thing. I guess hes gone to gangsta paradise. laughter applause anyway, anyway, hell be hell be fine. Hell be fine, folks. You know what . In fact, well all be fine, right, tv friends . Theres a very limited Economic Impact from this shutdown. Right. I dont know how many millions of dollars a day its costing, but its not that big a deal economically. Reality of this is the vast majority of americans will notice absolutely nothing about a Government Shutdown. Another thick that g. O. P. Leadership needs to do is remind the public this is not armageddon. This is a pin prick. Stephen yes, a Government Shutdown is no more damaging to the economy than a pin prick, okay. For instance, heres the economy. Heres the shutdown. See . cheers and applause the economy still exists. Okay. In fact, folks, this shutdown is so not big a deal, we not even calling it a shutdown anymore. Some people have rcalling it a slimdown. Take a look at the fox news web site. Stephen thats cnn its most trusted name in reading other networks web sites. applause and shes right. Fox news is calling it a slimdown. Which is a great name because you know who is really going to slim down . The 9 million women ask children who will lose supplemental nutrition from the government. Thats just chivalrous remember, remember, women and children first. The point, is the slimdown is a good thing, and its all obamas fault. Speaker john boehner insisting its the president who opens the shutdown. Refusing to come to the table, obama, and reid are counting on the media lap dogs to blame republicans. Where is our commander in chief . Why isnt he on the phone right now calling the senate and house leadership and telling them our nation is at risk because of the Government Shutdown . Stephen yes, why isnt the president telling congress that shutting down the government is bad . And why wont he tell them the stove is hot . laughter . Boehner keeps burning his hand over and over again. applause finally, finally, folks, i cant believe it took so long, today, obama did the right thing. Just within the last hour, we learned that president obama invited congressional leaders to the white house this afternoon for a meeting to discuss the shutdown. We got word just a couple of minutes ago this is have a a tweet from the White House Press secretary saying, potus invite senator reid, nancy pelosi, mcconnell and Speaker Boehner to the house today to discuss the need to reopen the government, raise the debt ceiling, all of that. Stephen okay, great. Now both sides can work up on the a compromise. Obama can give some concessions, and the republicans can accept his concessions. laughter twoway street. As long as and this is important as long as the republicans dont blink. Ted cruz sent out a tweet tonight that just said hashtag dont blink. Im not blinking or flinching. Im were not blinking. Were taking nodoz. Z. Stephen thats right, not blinking. cheers and applause in fact, Michele Bachmann has been training Clifford Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks very much. Folks, you know i am a huge fan of papa bear bill oreilly. Bill is my ment or, he or, inspiration. My safeword. Of course you dont become a legend without make something enemies, and im afraid the king is once again under attack. This is blood in the water. Shark, shark. Sharksharkshark. Shark. Stephen folks. Last sunday night, last sunday bill was on 60 minutes to discuss his new book killing jesus. Sorry, christians. Spoiler alert. It is the latest in his killing series following killing kennedy, killing lincoln, and his childrens book, killing clifford. Turns out the big red puppy had a case of gigantic rabies and had to be put down. Sad, but true. Now, bill wasted no time answering the question that was on everybodys mind why did you write this book . How did the idea come to you . All of the ideas come to me in the middle of the night. And one night, i just woke up and went killing jesus. And i believe, because im a catholic, that comes from the holy spirit. You believe the holy spirit directed you to write killing jesus . Yes, i believe that. laughter . Stephen yes. Yes. applause as a catholic, bill believes in the trinity. This case, the father, the son, and the holy ghost writer. laughter bill knows he is simply gods humble servant. And why would the holy spirit choose you . Youre asking me to speculate about theidatey. Well, you are suggesting you are the chosen one. Im not the chosen one. Im just one of many who have been given gifts. Stephen very important. Bill is not saying hes the chosen one. Hes just average joe, prophet of god. Your jeremiah, your zach rye, your billoreiyah. He simply says thats all hes saying. God chose him. He simply speaks for the almighty. Who could forget when yahweh spaketh to the israelites. What words can i speak that will heed bleep . Well do it live bleep . Suck stephen this is the word of the lord. Of course, the Mainstream Media immediately attacked oreilly from all sides with hundreds of one article by some guy in fill named howard. And, boy, did st. Billy burn his bush. Mockery in the secular press began writing in the Philadelphia Daily News howard genslers wrote, bill oreilly haze god told him to write his new book killing geez us, a history. He says its all part of gods plan to him. Did god also give you the idea for pin heads and patriots . For sure, howard. So i can designate you as a pin head. But this goes way beyond that, doesnt, it, howard pup are mock,ing my christian faith. Stephen you are mocking his christian face. This is filled with the rule of christianity. Rule number one, no forgiveness bleep cheers and applause jesus himself said you cross me, a cut a. The surest evidence god told bill oreilly to write a book aboutiod god, according to bill oreilly, its more accurate than golds book about god. You include two quote from jesus on the cross, but not the most famous one, father forgive them. For they know not what they do. Why not . We dont put in things that we dont think happened. How do you know . Because you couldnt Say Something like that audibly that people would hear. He laughter he died on the cross being suffocated. Your lungs cant take in any more air. You can hardly breathe. We believe jesus said that but we dont believe he said it on the cross because nobody could have heard it. Stephen yet, walking on water, rising from the dead, jesus can handle it. laughter but talking loud enough to be heard . Now youre on bills turf. laughter applause . And, folks, information i gotta tell you bills not the only pundit who talks to the lord. Every one of my books has been dwienl inspired. For instance, before i wrote my third book god came to me in the middle of the night and he said, hey, steve, if you write another book, you could probably afford new decking on your sailboats, and, lo it has come topaz. Folks, i want to tell you i am very careful with this power. I also make sure the voice in my should gods. After all, my neighbors dog also talks to me in my sleep and tells me to kill people but i ignore him because hes not god. Although, rosco is an ordained minister. laughter i also believe and this is just me that hold on, im getting something from god right now. Whats that . Uhhuh . Uhhuh . She said what what did you tell her . Omyou. Did you not go there are you gradeacrazazzy my man. Long story, joan of arc is a drama queen. Anyway, i hate to burst your bubble, bill, but god talks to me before he talks to you. In fact, god pitched me on this whole killing jesus thing, and when i passed on the project seem derivative he asked me to tell you. So in fact it was me whispering into your ear in the middle of the night. I mean cheers and applause upodoes this sound familiar . Bill, write a book about jesus thats more accurate than the bible. Also, dont tell people about the voices you hear in the middle of the night because theyll think youre a crazy narcissist. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight has a new book tip and the gipper when politics worked. Its the perfect thing for ted cruz to read during his next filibuster. Please welcome Chris Matthews cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Nice to have a champion talk or the show. You are obviously the host of hardball. Everybody knows that. Youve got a new book called tip and the gipper when politics worked. Okay. First bone to pick with you why why should pol tk politic . laughter arent we proving now if we make it not work we can shut the government down. Because we started this in the 18th century that you could actually govern yourself and people disagreed from different part of the country, right, left, federalists, and come to an agreement to make the government work. That was our belief from the beginning. Stephen got us in trouble. Got us in trouble. Weve had a civil war. Weve had a budget deficit. I mean, thats what happens when the government works, the government gets bigger. No, no. Stephen do you believe youre calling it the slimdown, too, arent you . No. The when it gets together and people actually agree then thist moves on and we progress into the next century, and we move into the next period of our history. We dont just keep fighting over the same old things. Stephen youre implying there has to be some compromise in politics. Yes, like in life. Stephen no, sir thats why we have a congress because we have a vote and it it has to be 218 in the house and 60 in the senate and then we go with that vote. Thats how it works. Is this too complicated . Stephen yes, i believe on standing on your principles. Which means dont comprogram. Stephen reagan never did. He did so noose thats what the book is about. Stephen he did not. I dont care what the book is about. I dont care what kind of harry potter fantasy youve written here. Ronald reagan stood on his principles and punched gc gomp h and knocked down the wall. They didnt have an arms agreement stephen the soaves got rid of their arms. Take away your arms. They got rid of all the arms in europe as the first step and then began working on the intercontinental weapons. They ended the threat of a third world war. Stephen they knew reagan was willing to push the button on the evil empire . They did. Stephen they did . Reagan hated the idea of nuclear war. The only reason we didnt go to war is one side would totally annihilate the other side. He said the russians are good people like us. Its not their fault they have a lousy leadership. He understood the situation. Glu can have your and know ill have my opinion and i guess well never know. See, i kept a book stephen is that recipes . What is that . No, no, no. Unlike bill oreilly who gets it from up there, i kept notes. Stephen really. Youre not ininspired by god to write a book. By the way, why didnt you call it killing tip and the gipper. When are we going to have the book weve been waiting for killing oreilly . Stephen im not saying it wouldnt abe big serl, but it might be a little cry for help. You wrote things down. I kept a diary the whole year all the times with stip tipand reagan. Stephen did you think youd be respond at some point. Not then. Today people worry about it. I knew i had to keep my record. Stephen you said they got along in some way. When i first met reagan i said welcome to the room where we plot against you, up at the capitol, to break the ilike you do and he said not after six. The speaker said friends after 6 00. Stephen what about the things tip says he says reagan has no concern, no regard, no care for the little man. Hes a real ebenezer scrooge whose whose programs are for the selfish, greedy, and the affluent. He said the real problem is in the White House House i think i may have written that one. What reagan also said is at the st. Patricks day party. He wrote in the direee its on the record he would write tip is a real pol. He can really like and you be your friend and then try to knock your block off. Ron reagan, his son, told me when he came home at night he said how found he was of tip. Stephen if reagan was in the white house now do you think we would be at the impasse . No, because he had a strength others didnt have. He can scare the hell out of stephen are you saying obama doesnt care people . We havent done enough to make people afraid of obama . Its better to be feared than loafed. Thats the problem. These guys from right wing districts are not afraid of them. And thats why i think the Government Shutdown is going to go on for weeks. Stephen you think reagan was a better president than obama is . In the end, yeah. In the end. Stephen do you think reagan because he ended the cold war. Thats hard to meet beet. Hard to beat that baby. Stephen how do you think this is going to end, the showdown. The slimdown . Im worried about the default come the 24th. What happens on the 24th of this month . Instead of sending out the interest to the chinese billionaires weve been borrowing money from, all of a sudden for the the first time in our history we dont pay our interest. Think of an airline. Would you get on an airline that said 95 Safety Record . Or would you look fair an airline that had 100 Safety Record. For years, the world has looked at the niewts yoouts and said they have 100 safety. We will not be the store of value. We will not be anything. We will be the country that became a deadbeat country in october of 2013. And that scares the hell out of me. And that could happen by the end of this month because these right wing jackals. Am i clear . laughter cheers and applause stephen chris, thank you so much for joining me. Chris matthews, and chris math use. Tip and the gipper when politics worked. Well be right back. Qu uruuu cheers and applause . Stephen thats if for the report, everybody. Good captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [announcer] hulk hogan hammering away. Get him, hulk come oulk here comes the hulk oh hulks the man. [deandra] i have a question, though. Whats going on with hulk hogans hair . Its blond and yet its silken like that of a chinese man. Ah, yes. That is hulk hogans signature look blond chinese hair and the skin of a hot dog. Its awesome. The whole things fake, but its really awesome. Fake . What the hell are you talking about fake . Its not fake. Those guys got bashed and bloodied. Ive seen guys get pounded in the ring. Its still fake, though, dude. Charlie, charlie, i was there once. I saw a guy pick up a trash can, smash it into a guys head. Blood went everywhere. Okay, what is going on here . Oh. Right here hes going into a state of hulkamania. Okay, now when hes like this, nothing can hurt him, okay