Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131009 : vimarsana.

About the kennedy assassination. I havent seen it yet, so no spoilers. A new wifi tea kettle will text you when your water boils. The text reads, why the hell did you leave your house with the kettle on. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Thai. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen steepen. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us. All right, folks. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, in the Television Viewing audience, if you only know what these people have been through tonight. laughter nation, it is day 8 of the government shutdown. Tomorrow, of course, is day 10 because 9 has been furloughed. Folks, this shutdown has made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Although, that could just abe reaction from uninspected shrimp. laughter the point is, this shutdown has been much ado about nothing so far. But the timmy titanics out there are screaming iceberg again. Because unless a deal is struck on october 17, america will reach its tet ceiling and our nation could default, and surprise, surprise thats supposed to be bad, too laughter . With the most important economy in the world washington the the reserve currency of the world, payments have stoog out to people. If money doesnt flow in, then money doesnt flow out. It would be a calamity because almost everything in the world is priced off treasures. This is the most important piece of paper in the world and no one knows what will happen. The global economy, not just the american economy, depends fundamentally, on the full faith and credit of the United States government. This would be economic armageddon. Stephen oh, economic armageddon. Big deal. laughter so when halloween rolls around, the little hobo knocking on your door might be an actual hobo. laughter at least hell really appreciate that mini snickers. Folks, i believe it is irresponsible for these doomcryers to panic you. First of all, youll need that reserve energy to fight for Potable Water and canned goods. Pro tip you can make a great shiv out of a sharpened fruit rollup. laughter second, its not going to happen. Were not going to default. We just wont default. There are ways of not defaulting, even if you dont raise the debt ceiling. Its president obama scaring the crap out of the american people. I dont think the credit of the United States is going to be collapsed. I think all this talk about a default has been a lot of demagoguery, a lot of false gem gogry. This isnt so fatal. We can kind of go on fair while doing this. Its laughable. laughter . Stephen see, its laughable. You know what they say tragedy plus time equals comedy. And weve got another nine days before the tragedy, so its still hilarious. Folks, without a debt ceiling increase, the president will just have to pick which programs get funded. Do we fund veterans programs or headstart meals for kids . The only fair thing to do is to put them in a pit and make them fight it out. And so what . So what if the dollar is no longer the world currency anymore . Well just replace it with the euro, or subway club cards, or the teeth of children. I mean, the tooth fairys always in the plarkt for those things, and she pays cash. In fact, defaulting on our debt could, just could be beneficial. According to florida congressman ted yoho who i believe represents of the pirates of the caribbean ride. Congressman ted yoho republican of florida says by refusing to raise the socalled debt limit congress would have the reverse effect of bringing stability to world market. Stephen yet, a government default could bring stability to world markets, just like if you cut off both your legs, it brings stability to your torso. Because it lowers your center of gravity. Anyway, nationwide, right now, i want to talk to you about the dangerous side effects of a popular drug. But first let me ask you a question . Who here smokes weed . cheers and applause . Sadly, one of the side effectes of marijuana use is mindly hollering when you hear the word weed. cheers and applause you see this shameful turn of events is already hitting my studio. America is surrendering in the war on drugs. 21 state have legal idtw marijuana for medical purposes, and just last year, it was made legal for Recreational Purposes in colorado and washington state. Or should i say cheecharado and washingchong. cheers and applause in all two of those states, the cops have stopped cracking down to o sparking up. Seattle pot smokers are getting an education this week. In an effort to get the word out about the states new marijuana laws, Seattle Police went to the annual festival known as hemp fest, and they passed out bags of dreets drooetoze with the dos and donts of getting high in the state. Among the tips kind of obvious dont drive high. Dont smoke pot in public. But it says do listen to dark side of moon at a reasonable volume. A aughter stephen what . Police should not be encouraging drug use. And you cannot listen to dark side of the moon at a reasonable volume. You will miss all the depth from the song money, from 74, to 44, and gilmore lays down a slick solo base on the pent tonic scale, is what im told by one of my editors. applause worst of all, folks, despite pot possession being a federal crime, attorney general eric holder says he is willing to let these propot laws into effect. What do you expect from the mayor of cloud city . laughter the Justice Department only has one dont do for your doobydo. The d. O. J. Ruling on thursday that the states can let people smoke, grow, and buy pot legally. As long as the truck is kept away from kids and used safely. Stephen safely . How can you keep todays medicalgrade dispensary daifng away from kids with fun names like alien dog and bubbakush. They already sound like stoner heroes for a cartoon network. Just imagine the adventures theyd have on their couch watching cartoon network. ni folks, its not enough that pot is no longer bad for urs. The dope pushers are now trying to tell us its the solution for all our fiscal problems, like the Michigan State lawmaker who is proposing to legalize and tax marijuana to boost funding for road repair in the plan supporters called pot for potholes. laughter applause yeah, maybe that would work, but once they fix every pothole, what do you think theyll legalize to fix every crack . Well be right back. cheers and applause . coco co cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Nation, check your calendars because thanksgiving is just around the corner, and, folk, it is my favorite holiday, which is a bit surprising since im no fan of giving or saying thanks. laughter every year, when i celebrate it, i push the envelope. Last year, i had a gravy boat. This year i have a gravy kayak. But, sadly, folks yeah, yeah. Looks pretty good, doesnt it . Sadly, americas sacred day dedicated to family and hearingnanas unvarnished opinion of philippineos is in is in danger because this is thanksgiving under attack. gunfire gobble if you need cheers and applause if you need some explanation as to why jesus is coming out of the tomb, wearing a pilgrim hat and a blunderbuss, watch some of our shows from about five years ago. Nation, the thanksgiving table is going to be extra crowded this year. Not just because you still havent walked off last years green bean casserole. Turkey day meets the jewish festival of lights this year. In a rare convergence, thanksgiving falls on the first day of hanukkah. Stephen how dare you, hanukkah these two holidays have nothing in common. Hanukkah celebrates the struggle of an oppressed peoples fight against invading conkers, while thanksgiving is about our healthy and nurturing relationship with the indians. laughter cheers and applause stephen now, now but now theyre overlapping. And keeping the story straight is going to be impossible. Pretty soon, school kids will think thanksgiving started when the wampanoag sat down with the yakabees, and the yams lasted eight nights. Folks, it wasnt a mir telekell. Nobody likes yams. Really, ah, really . Sympathy for the yams. laughter and now, instead of drawing a hand turkey, well be expected to draw a hand menorah. Its impossible you need both hands to make the menorah, and then what do you draw with . It cant be done. cheers and applause the shams osh is not straight. Im sorry. Nation now its on my face. That is not coming out. Thats it. Anyway, nation, i should have seen this coming. laughter applause i want to warn our anillates we might be going a little bit long tonight. I cant believe im discussing hanukkah and i drew a mustache right there. That is bad form. cheers and applause . Really, really not good. Folks, i should have seen this coming. I have never, ever trusted hanukkah. If it doesnt have anything to hide, why does it have so many aliases. Plus, plus hanukkah is supposed to overlap with christmas. So i can say Merry Christmas instead of happy holidays, and everyone will know exactly which holiday im not wishing they have a happy one of. So this year, folks, to make sure no one is confused im going to have to spend thanksgiving wishing everybody a Merry Christmas. Its chaos. And you know what, hanukkah, ive had it up to hear blocking our holidays. I do not listen to me eye do not want to see hanukkah starting on thanksgiving day for another 80,000 years. It wont happen again for another get this 79,000 years. Stephen now youre just trying to piss me off. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. c4 3 my guest tonight plays aib rahamza bruder in a new film about the kennedy assassination. The interview will be shaky and out of focus. Thank you for coming on. I wanted to have you on the show for a long time. Thank you for having me. Im very excited. Stephen besides you being a big star you love paul giamatti, right . cheers and applause . Thank you. Stephen and im kind of a big star, too. Very big. Stephen when i walk around people dont approach me because i am im untouchable. Yes. Stephen you know what i mean . Yes. Stephen but you seem just like an average guy. Im approachable. Stephen exactly. Even in your most famous roles, you seem like the guy hey, i would know that guy. That guy might be a friend of mine. Thats good. Stephen a coworker of mine. Is that a problem . Then people are always going, hey, i think i kind of know you. Yes, i get touched a lot by people. People want to touch me a lot. Stephen really, why do they want to touch you first . Are you like a pregnant woman, they touch the belly and its inappropriate. Its very much like that. Thats nice to hear. I think most of the characters i play seem like sociopaths. Stephen there are a lot of sociopaths. I think we all know one. And theyre very approachable, too gla. Stephen right because no matter what you do, their heart rate never goes up when they kill you. Stephen theres another great thing that makes you like an every man in this. You have bursts of anger. Suppressed rage. Stephen you have suprocessed rage at all times and at any moment it could come out in a moment of really delicious ire. Okay. Yes. Stephen any chance were going to get some of that tonight . It could happen. Well see where this goes. That could happen. Stephen okay. Youre in the new film parkland. Im. Stephen this is a this is about the kennedy assassination. Yes. Stephen but its not the story of really john kennedy and jackie kennedy. Its about the people affected that day, really for the rest of their lives . Yes. Innocent bystanders who become Major Players in it in a way. Stephen you play abraham zapruder. Explain to the young people who zapruder was. Zapruder was a dallas selfmad businessman. He was a ukrainian immigrant, and we. To new york city, and built thup business eventually, this dress making business. And he was a camera enthusiast. The camera he had was the cutting edge super 8 filmat the time, and he was just you be, that day his offices were right on dealey plaza, so he was very excited. He was very patriotic. He was an immigrant and he was very excited to go out there and he filmed it, the 28second film. Stephen this 28 seconds which is really the only footage we have of the assassination of the president . Yes, it is, i think so, of the actual shooting, yes. Stephen did he make money off of this . Because this is a capitalist society, and he was a businessman. Yeah. Stephen did he make money off of this . He did. He sold it to life magazine and it was very controversial when he did this. Stephen explain to the young people what a magazine is. Its shiny and is made out of paper and has lots of nice pictures in it. Stephen its like an ipad you can burn. applause stephen was he conflicted about selling it . I think he was, yes. I think he felt guilty about taking the film at all. He felt ashamed that hed done this. It was accidental, he didnt mean to do it, but i think he felt like he had dwowmented something that people werent supposed to see so he felt guilty about it . Stephen we have a clip, lets take a look. When the president is when hes hit the kill shot . Yeah. Well publish those frames . Because i think you would agree some things the world does not need to see. In this case, missing frames could lead to false speculations. That is not my business. I dont care about all that. Im talking about the mans dignity. We have a response he was a dignified man. It was a very undignified end for a very dignified man. cheers and applause did life magazine end up printing no they cut those frames out. Stephen how many frames . Im not sure. Not many, but it was the actual shot that hit him. S that was not in life magazine. Stephen those were lost . No, i mean, now youre getting into the conspiracy theory. Stephen i am. I think there are people who will say it was doctored in some way. Stephen i will. Yes, i had a feeling you would. Stephen yes, because it makes a better story. It makes a much better story. Conspiracy theories stephen the idea that one guy shot the president is dinedd kind of bother and sad. Sad, yes. Stephen but if theres an enormous conspiracy of people behind the keeps of our adult life, thats kind of exciting. Its weirdly comforting, too, i think to people. I think its hard tore understand one person doing something. You cant fathom of psychology of one man snapping like that. I think its comforting to think, well, theres a whole system at work. Stephen also that it would take a whole system to bring down the president. Yes, exactly. Stephen any chance zapruder was the shooter . Im just saying he was there. Im not sure hed play it that way stephen really . You just gave away the ending of the film. Im sorry. Stephen paul, thank you so much. Such a pleasure. Stephen paul giamatti, th ise is cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Before we leave tonight, if you are going to be in new york city on october 11, thats this friday, friends of the show and possibly the best improvisers in the world, tmpled j. Jack dowsky, will be appearing at town hall for one night performing their show, t. J. And dave. Show starts at 8 00. Doors open at 7 00, or earlier if you own your own pair of bolt cut captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning made possible by Comedy Central im going down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor