Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131011 : vimarsana.

Much. Nation, thank you for joining me in here, out there, all around the world. Mr. And mrs. America. Nation, you know it is day 10 of the government shutdown. You know what day 10. Let me actually just add that to my frequent shutdown punch card here. Right there. Oh, hey i win a free c. D. C. Ebola morningy. All right, thats fantastic. Now, folks, tonight, tonight, there are dramatic new developments in the obamaboehner shutdown debt ceiling Tag Team Death match. There has evidently been some progress in that they have found new things to completely disagree about. All right, that, information, that is the big news. But ive only told it to you so far. I havent newsed it at awe. laughter and we all know that is the ultimate show of a tv newsman. You may not then because youre not in the biz, but we in broadcasting tend to model ourselves on our heroes heroes. Sean hannity modeled himself on ground beef. laughter i myself, i myself, look to the unshakable confidence of the bill oreilly, the reassuring statesmanship of peter jennings, and the being on tv of bill hemmer. laughter but fox news anchor shepsmith has always been my personal hero, so personal that ive kept it from everyone, including myself. laughter you see, shephas a foolproof internal barometer for when the country needs a break from this kind of washington infighting. So instead, he reports on a daredevil being pushed out of a planed in a coffin, the video of which shep does not have. There we go. Thats the clouds. And in a little while the plane will fly by there, moments away, from my understanding, plane will fly right by, and theyre going to push a guy in a box that looks like a coffin, and he will float, and his parents will be proud. Guy flying through air. Try to imagine. , everyone together, close your eye. Stephen theyre closed, shep. My mind is a blank canvas, paint me a picture of the news. Theres a man in a box trying to disconnect handcuffs he does not have a key. Hes racing feverishly. The gforces are very strong, the flying continues, who, who. I dont know. Oh, here we go. Was that it . Zoom in now. No, that was a breakup in the feed. laughter . Stephen folks i think well all remember where we were when we didnt see that. Now of course the uptrained viewer might look at sheps misreporting and ask why . I reply because, shep. Kitty cat meow, 1,000. Snookis pregnant. Stephen now keeneyed fox viewers may have noticed that shep smith has been absent from the airwaves for last month. This week, we found out where he went to the future of news. Weve been busy while ive been away from your tv box. We brought in a lot of new tools to hup bring you the news. This is the new hub for breaking News Coverage for all the fox news channels. We call it the fox news deck. Stephen its like star truck polo deck. It feels like youre surrounded by news, but its all an illilization. And, folks, the star shep enterprise observes the fundamental rule of tv journalism bigger plus electric equals information. Jim. This is a piece of equipment that has been installed, and never been use used used in broadcast television before but it allows me to manipulate this 38footlong video wall. For instance, i can take a picture and bring it over here. Take this lady who has been evacuating from a hur kane zone and move it over here. laughter . Stephen its incredible. Shep can move around images of devastation with the flick of his controller. Its like hes playing wii tragedy. laughter applause cheers and applause and the news deck gets its info the same way you do from some guy on twitter. Its not a secret that a lot of people get their information from twitter and beyond. So what our hope is over the days and weeks and months and years ahead, that were going to be able to vet much of this for you. Youll see on the lefthand side of this massive wall is what we have newsworthy for this hour at least. These are the matters were investigating and over here the maefts we have confirmed. Theyre cloem combing through twitter and verifyin verifying tweet and this just in, theres confirmation stase serks in fact, a total chunko. Thats an exclusive. Now, unfortunately these breaking tweets are still being aggregate bide an Outdated Technology called people. These people over here formally producers, now information specialists, who take what information were gathering from social media from our Properties Around the world, compile ttake the social part of it, and make calls and internet checks and otherwise to get things confirmed. Stephen these formally oldfashioned producers have been updated to information specialists. Its even on their resumes which theyre sending out as we speak. laughter applause and just look at how they do their internet check. Theyre all working off brand new computer technology. We call these bats. Big area touch screens. Stephen big area touch screens. Thats a bit technical. Let me explain. They took what experts call an area and applied a process known as naik big. Make big. Using these bhats fox information specialists can swipe through cyber space like in the movie minority report, except fox news does not report on minorities. laughter applause now, nation,im so folks, i am so inspired by the fox news deck. So tonight, i am proud to introduce the the colbert report info news veranda. cheers and applause welcome 3 welcome to the info news verand where we are committed to bringing you the mostest of the moreness. Now, just how large do we go . This is now my iphone. 7 laughte. laughter phone ringing im sorry hold on. I cant talk now,nana hello . Stephen nana, im doing the newsing. Ive got to call you back. I love you. Hello . Oooh. Stephen shell be fine. Shell call back. Shep may have a 38foot video wall but a have a 38story video climbing wall. The climbers formerly news producers now called information sherpas scale the wall to bring you a story. Its a dangerous job but should they fall to their death thats just more news for the wall. cheers and applause . Thank you. He will be missed. laughter we call it the big unbelievably large l. E. D. Super hyperinformation technology. Or bull bleep . cheers and applause thats trademarked. Here at the news veranda, we are focused on bringing you the news, like a kitten focused on a laser dot. In fact, we employ the industrys top feline media managers who who scamper around the cage look at that who scamper around in a cage come on, scamper. laughter scamper around. Scamper around now. Scamper around a little bit. Scamper. Come on. Scamper around. laughter applause whose floor is made of ipads. Okay. You see they sift through the entire intirptd, and whatever they step on is then hypercommed to the info news miranda dot matrix printer. Each printed news item is fed directly into our cutting edge new news separator, which separates out all the news, and the resulting nanoinformation is upshoveled to our kinetic jurno chamber. cheers and applause . Where the most grabbable stories are hand selected, and delivered to me have a news falcon. News falcon, report thank you, noble friend. News falcon, away applause once i know its breaking news, i perform an analog data trmp to our social media coordinator, tweet box. Who then programs his laser cannons let me just get that in there. Here there you go. Who programs this laser cannon to etch the headline directly on to the face of the moon. laughter then and only then do we fact check it. Can we check that . Which kwe check that . Okay. She might not have gone too far. Im so sorry, we cant run that story. Tweet bot, unverify news. Okay, good work tweet bot. That was not news. That was not news . Stephen no, it was not. What is news . Stephen well, all of this is news its giant screens, kittens, you, me, all of it. Master is news. Stephen oh, master is big time news. Thats a confirm what tweet bot, no i created you back back, you monster news falcon, attack no no, not the kiteps attack the robot. Must end news. Must end news. Stephen well be right back cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, if you are a loyal viewer of the the colbert report, you know i called out a street artist. This vandal is spending october turning walls in new york city into priceless works of art. I do not want to encourage this temporary artful dodger because his glorification of graffiti could lead our kids down the wrong path, to a life of crime or woarts, our scooz. This past mond i specifically forbade him from painting on the wall of my studio, and, therefore, transforming it into a milliondollar work of art. Imagine my surprise this morning when i discovered this incredible work of art on my studio wall. cheers and applause . Now, folks, i dont know who is more impressive how he captured my likeness or how he knew what i look like before i body wax. Now, at first i thought this was banksy. But it turns out the work was signed by hanksy, who evidently is a wellknown street artist whose work uses celebrity iconography to address the efesmeral nature of fame particularly with terrible puns. His other works include hemuel l. Pd jackson, and meth rogan. Powerful stuff. Really makes you not think. Here i assume i am stephen colgrizzry ofly. But like banksy, hairchgzys identity is a mystery. Who culd he . Hanksys first street art featured tom hanks who happened to be my guest last night, and thats when the light bulb went off. Hanksee, sounds like yangtze. There are three gorgeous members of one direction, the other two are. One direction is another way of saying one way and my constitute stooudio is on a oneway street where hanksy put his art. Its all a cryptic code like the da vinci code starring tom hanks. Tom hairchgz must be hanksy. And i gotta say. You see, you see. Click, click, click. I gotta say im a little upset that he used the spray paint i left in his dressing room. I told you, tom, that spray paint was for huffing only. Pail giamatti understood that. I dont know what to say. Im sorry, banksy, but it is too late for you to put one of your highly sought after masterpieces on my wall because theres still only lots of room left. By the way, next week were on vacation, so i wouldnt even know when you did it. Well be right back. cheers 3, h aa8qvap s stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight broke the Armstrong Keating scandal. Big deal please welcome reed albered gotti, and vanessa oconnell. Lets get your bona fides out here. Reed and vanessa you both work for the wall street journal, correct . Exactly. Stephen you cover White Collar Crime . Correct. Stephen and you cover ive been covering vices like tobacco, alcohol. Stephen so together White Collar Crime and dope equals Lance Armstrong. Because your new book is called wheeled men Lance Armstrong the Tour De France and the greatest sports conspiracy ever. First of all, lance is a friend. I know that. Stephen i stick by my friend. Im loyal to the end. My first question is, do people still like him . Do people still like lance . How is his popularity doing . Not stow great. Stephen what does dlance do that was so bad . Honest to god. Its just a bicycle race. You know, its like what little kids do with bells and streamers. Why are we holding his feet to the fire over this . Its not the tour du america. Its the Tour De France. You know what i mean. Why . He fooled some french people. laughter its really not just about cheating in cycling. Cheating in sports, youre right, its not a crime in the u. S. But what this book is really about is the whole conspiracy around covering up for the cheating in that race. And all the people who sort of told the truth over the years and who were confronted with lawsuit, threats from lance and the people around him. I mean, thats really the story. Stephen so what did he do . How did he get away with this. He won seven times. How do you not get caught while youre doing it but get caught years later. Thats what we found so amazing about the story. There were allegations that came out year after year, and somehow this thing kept secret, and he almost got away with it. If it werent for a bunch of coincidences at the very end, i mean, he would have we never would have known about all of this. Stephen what was he actually doing to his body. This race thsh Tour De France, one thing ill say is it seems impossible. Honest to god, its days in a row going up hill and down hill in the pyrenees, things that would crush a nondoped human. What was he doing . How was he super charges himself . It evolved. It started out with Human Growth Hormone and testosterone. Stephen i heard thats delicious. He was on the tgel gel . Well, gel or patch and this evosmed into higher octane type of doping, e. P. O. , Edgar Allen Poe is a bloodboosting drug. That was the 96 name or Lance Armstrong called it butter as a code name. He kept it in the butter compartment in the refrigerator. Stephen and when they caught him they said, i cant believe this is not butter. cheers and applause wait a second. So, but, okay, so what your initial reporting on this was when . We started reporting on it really together back in 2010 when we broke the story of floyd landis, his former teammate stephen who is the guy who won after him . Correct. And he tested positively after that. Stephen and floyd larked on lance. Nobody likes a squealer. What did he do when he narced on him. He called him a liar. He had a point. He denied usin use performance enhancing drug. If he had been nicer to floyd, this might never have come out. But he was a jerk to floyd, and as a result stephen payback is a bitch. Stephen he owes the Postal Service who was a sponsor long green. The Postal Service paid 40 million over the years to his cycling team and now hes being sued by the u. S. Department of justice in a whistleblower lawsuit that could end in triple that. So 120 million. Stephen wow, wow. Im glad theyre going after lance instead of the heads of any of the banks on wall street. cheers and applause . This is where the real White Collar Crime is. Thank you so much for joining me. Vanessa. Thank you, so much, reed. The book is wheeled men. Well be right back. Thats it for the report, everybody. Mac look, bro, im only gonna be here for about ten minutes. I got to get my pump on. I have a very big day. Man im sorry. I cant let you in. I dont understand why youre insisting on jamming me up here, bro. Im not trying to jam you up. I just dont believe you. What is not to believe . I am absolutely dennis reynolds. This picture looks nothing like you. Well, thank you. Because i have actually packed on about 15 or 20 pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken, bro. Its actually a testament to your gym. Im gonna need you to either buy your own membership, or get out. Mac . Yeah. Hey, tranny. Carmen. Yeah