Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131014 : vimarsana.

cheers and applause welcome to the report. Right off the bat, ladies and gentlemen, nation, i have just received breaking news about the Government Shutdown. Government, still shut down. laughter in fact, midnight tonight is the shutdowns oneweek anniversary and i plan on marking the occasion by popping a bottle of bubbley. Not champagne, milk. laughter food inspectors have been furloughed and laughter for some reason my milk is bubbling now. laughter now, ever since republicans voted for this shutdown they have known exactly whos responsible. This is president Barack Obamas shutdown. President obamas shutdown. The obama shutdown. You want my opinion . This is president obamas shutdown. Stephen yes, if you want stu varneys opinion this is president obamas shutdown and if you want stu varneys facts, why are you listening to stu varney . laughter of course, the president is stubbornly refusing to negotiate on obamacare even though the republicans have been very flexible. Id like to repeal every word of the law. But that wasnt my position even in this fight. My position in this fight was we should defund it. Even now with the what the house of representatives has done is a step removed from defunding. Its delaying. Weve been pretty reasonable as weve worked through this process. Ive heard the reference to a full delay or a full repeal. Now were just saying mr. President , can we not just have oneyear delay . We said, well, what about a oneyear delay . Weve been offering compromise after compromise. laughter but you hear from the president and his men and his women no negotiation. Stephen no negotiation, even though every one of those offers is a compromise from the republicans initial offer having mitt romney be president. laughter and applause but surprise surprise cheers and applause surprise surprise, obama wouldnt negotiate on that, either. laughter but one thing everyone can agree on is that this is serious business. We have to stop playing these foolish games. We hope that our democratic colleagues will stop with the games. The American People are not pawns in some political game. This isnt some damn game laughter stephen thats right this isnt some damn game its this damn game introducing not a game. laughter the official Government Shutdown home game. cheers and applause from the makers of not story and operation denied due to preexisting condition. laughter for petes sake, what Insurance Company would cover guy born what lightbulb for a nose. laughter now, folks, not a game has everything you need to replicate the fun of the real Government Shutdown. Okay, you see, the democrats are a donkey, republicans are an elephant and the tea party is a bug up the elephants ass. laughter now, the spot this spot right over here, this is the continuing resolution. You have to try to pass that. Now, while this timer right here represents the fastapproaching debt ceiling, so you set that and then ignore it. laughter and these are Public Opinion cards that say how youre polling with the voters. Okay . Lets give it a whirl. Brendan, get on out here. Brendan, everybody. cheers and applause okay, brendan. Brendan, are you ready to play . Okay, how do we start . Stephen the rules are i go first and i refuse to take my turn. laughter and you cant take yours until im done. What . Stephen i know youre upset but were both at fault here so lets negotiate, okay . I will agree to take my turn if you agree that i win. Thats not fair why even play the game . Stephen its not a damn game brendan laughter and applause peoples jobs are at stake here. For instance, your dad. I fired him. You did . Stephen yes, he is not getting his job back unless you agree to play with me. Fine, ill play. Just go stephen okay. All right. So i move one space and i win. Now, i just take a Public Opinion card to see what voters think of me and public blames you. Goddamnit cheers and applause get out get out, you cheater cheers and applause you tell your dad ill see him in hell laughter nation seems like a sweet kid. laughter nation, its the first monday in october, backtoschool day for the Supreme Court. And i am thrilled because the cases this year are to die for. For instance, bond v. United states. Its about a pennsylvania woman named carol bond whose husband knocked up her best different so bond spread lethal chemicals on her friends car, mailbox, and doorknob. The dead giveaway was that one of the chemicals potassium dichromate is bright orange. Its the reason why ninjas rarely kill with traffic cones. laughter but it wasnt the crime that got bond all the way to the Supreme Court. No, it was her defense. Her lawyers argue the law she was convicted under is unconstitutional on the ground that it infringes on the powers reserved to the states under the 10th amendment. Amen . I have always said chemical weapons are a states rights issue. laughter each individual state should decide what is and isnt poisonous. For example, what we in my home state of South Carolina consider a deadly toxin people in North Carolina call barbecue sauce. laughter but the case cheers and applause the case thats really got my gavel is mccutcheon v. The federal election commission. Shaun mccutcheon is challenging the limits on Campaign Contributions which are currently 2,600 to a single candidate and an overall limit of 123,000 per election cycle. Folks, i do not believe that the government should tell us how much money there can be in politics any more than they should tell us how much rat feces dmb a hot dog its fine as long as the rats kept kosher. audience reacts here to tell us how much rat feces theres going to be in our politics is slate legal expert and Senior Research fellow at Yale Law School emily bazelon. Emily, thanks so much for coming back. Good to see you. cheers and applause all right. All right, em. First of all, is the Supreme Court are they going to have a session . Are they essential personnel or are they furloughed. They say theyre essential. They put out a press release, theyre hearing arguments all week just the way theyre scheduled. So they took three months off and they show up and go wait, you need to pay us. I think they want to be an essential service. Theyve decided that they are. Stephen now, the mccutcheon case. Give me nuts and bolts here. What are the limits now . 2600 per person and 123,000. Whats the logic behind not letting me donate all i want . The logic is that if you have limits youll have less corruption. So if you could give 2,600 to as many federal candidates you want in a twoyear election cycle then someone could bundle the gifts together. That would be a great way to exert influence. Then you would be the person with the pocketbook who really had the influence. Stephen wait. So if i give politicians a lot of money they might do what i want . Yes, and we worry about that. Stephen but thats corruption exactly. And we worry about that has that as the problem of quid pro quo. Thats why we have Campaign Finance reform. Stephen i dont speak spanish. What is quid pro quo . Whose squid is this . What does that mean . It means getting something for something that you give. Stephen but all were giving is speech because the Supreme Court rules that money equals speech. Am i not wrong . Well, and this case, if the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Shaun Mccutcheon could really continue that idea of money equaling speech. But the part that really matters is whether the government has good reason for putting limits on the money. And in this case theres a problem of corruption we just talked about and theres also equality because if rich people can give all the money they want then you have a problem with drowning out everyone elses. Stephen well, if money equals speech rich people speak really well and poor people have a speech impediment. laughter and we worry about that problem. Stephen who is we . Do you have a mouse in your pocket . laughter im not worried at all. Im worried that my speech will be impeded because spoiler alert ive got a lot of money. And youve been good at raising money for elections but congress worried about people like you exerting too much influence on the process and they worry about all the regular people who cant raise hundreds of thousands of dollars and making sure their voices are also heard and that the candidates hear about their view. Stephen well, this court is super liberal now, right. It is not. Stephen they just approved obamacare, thumbs up and they said everybodys got to get gay married now. laughter true. Stephen true thats true you agree with me thats what they said. No, they didnt say everybody has to get gay married. Stephen but its recommended. No, no. laughter and applause no, it is not. They said that federal law will give federal benefits to gay couples who are married in states that recognize gay marriage. They did say that. But its not a liberal court. Stephen its been seven and a half years since a white guy was appointed. That doesnt seem liberal to you . I dont think that has anything to do with liberal. Stephen it community . No, it doesnt. Stephen because youre not a white guy. This is one of the most conservative courts weve had in modern history. Which way are they going to swing . I think its very likely the court will cut back further on Campaign Finance reform. The real question is whether roberts and alito chief Justice Roberts and samuel alito will go as far as the other three conservatives who have made it clear that they are really, really, not interested in limits on Campaign Finance. Stephen can i tell you something . Everybody throughout should listen to the slate political gal. cheers and applause thank you. Stephen and within of the things thats happening right now that until this particular crisis passes theres a slate ann that you can look at everyday. I love it. It puts me right to sleep at night. Emily bazelon, thank you so much for joining me. Emily bazelon. Slate, well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Welcome back, everybody. Nation, its no secret i am t. V. s foremost heart expert. I love it all, your suit man, your drippy guy, your apple face your oneyeared vinnie, all the big ones. Well, theres one socalled painter that i have a serious beef with. The guy who painted this stuff. British guerrilla graffitiist banksy, an anonymous street artist no one has ever seen. Well, folks, brace yourself because the british are coming, the british are coming. Banksy announced on his web site hes taking up residency in new york this month launching a series of works called better out than in. The first work appeared on alan street near canal. It shows a Child Holding a can of spray paint standing on another childs back below a sign that reads gras feet city a crime. Stephen graffiti is a crime. So, nation, call the police if you see this man. laughter now, folks, i have got absolutely zero respect for this elusive limey street rat. Hes anonymous and his art is public so the jerk doesnt even profit off of it. laughter art belongs in one of two places a museum or mounted near the toilet in a billionaires yacht. laughter monets water lilies really gets the flow going. Now, for some reason, the art world is enamored by this criminal and any wall he paints on is torn down and auctioned off for millions. Folks, this terrifies me. laughter because little known fact, my studio has walls. laughter and banksys new york reign of terror does not end for 24 days and the last thing i want is for the front of my building to be vandalized and its Property Value to skyrocket. laughter in fact, i am so concerned i have that framed out a specific area banksy is forbidden to begrime with his hoodlum graffito. cheers and applause no no banksy, i know its tempting as an artist for you to see this naked wall and know that its off limits for you to inject one of your trademark incisive bits of subversive social commentary or maybe just paint me riding a shark. laughter but under no circumstances should you use the spray paint left unattended on the sidewalk by my maintenance staff. Those were thrown out on my orders. And do not enjoy the selection of tea sandwiches and Room Temperature new castle ale. laughter so once again, banksy, stay away from my studio at 1513 west 54th street between 10th and 11th attitude or near the west side highway if youre coming by car. Ill be watching for you banksy, except between 3 00 and 4 00 a. M. When our security cameras usually cut out. laughter wellght bright b stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is for captain who won the americas cup though to be fair the wind did a lot of work. Please welcome Jimmy Spithill cheers and applause well, welcome aboard captain jim. Thank you, thanks for having me. Stephen now the americas cup, for those of you who may not be into big boat sail racing its the oldest tournament in the world, right . Oldest trowny international sport, predates the modern olympics, over 160 years old. So, yeah, the oldest trophy out there. Stephen and you won this for america. We kept it here for america. cheers and applause stephen now i know america pretty well. Im having trouble placing your accent, though. laughter its from the south. Stephen it is. Pretty deep south. You are from where, sir . Im from the land down under, from australia. Sydney originally. Okay, all right. cheers and applause stephen lets explain to the people out there what it was your doing in San Francisco harbor for the americas cup. Ive done a little bit of ocean sailing but this is almost entirely but not completely unlike sailing. Lets show people what were looking at. Explain whats happening in these boats. Well, the lightest thing on these boats is the foiling. So if you look at there, you might have seen Laird Hamilton on a surf board doing this. Now were doing it on a 72 foot carbon fire multihulls and we have a carbon fiber wing, just like the wing off the side of an aircraft and it is insane. Racing on that bay its like nascar on water. Stephen im used to being on a sailboat on the water but this looks almost like a spaceship with 130foot sail and just two Cruise Missile strapped to it. laughter how do you control something that is barely in the water like that . How far do you get off the water when youre cooking . You go probably about a meter and a half two meters. Stephen i dont speak whatever that is. laughter a meter, is that 50 feet . Two meters . I dont know. 10 foot or something. But i dont think youre ever really in control. Its sort of like riding a motorbike. Youre in control until you fall off and its one hell of a ride. Stephen whats the festest you go not on the foils . Not on the foils probably 30 knots. Stephen and when the foils kick up how fast do you go . Then its like a turbo boost. The only thing that stops you is where the foils just start to the water boils around the foils. Its that high a pressure and its almost like a speed limiter. But as we get better and learn more its like a quantum leap for us in this sport, well figure out how to go faster and faster and top speeds will keep rising. Stephen what is the top speed right now on our boat about 48 knots. Stephen again laughter yeah, close to 60 miles an hour. audience reacts stephen 60 miles an hour . So you could get pulled over on some highway. laughter thats right. Stephen the founder of oracle Larry Ellison actually paid for this. 100 million coming out of his pocket. Larrys been great and a lot of other great sponsors but larrys a real competitor, loves racing and what you saw on the bay was his vision. Its something that hes peopled out there and its such a big step for the sport now. Stephen whats it like working for one of the richest member in the world . Do, like, 20 bills fall off him . laughter hes great. The coolest thing about larry is hes selfmade. He came from nothing and, you know, thats what i love about him. When he comes down to the base and hangs out with the guys hes just like one of the other guys and i think thats what he loves. When he comes on the boat we treat him like anyone else. He gets yelled at and thats something hes not used to. laughter stephen one of the good thing about the americas cup is now that americas got it, we get to set the rules for what the race has to be next time, right . Correct. Stephen who did you sfwhaet the kiwis, the new zealand team. Stephen as an australian, did that feel good . Oh, mate. laughter you beat those hobbit humpers. laughter im not going to lie to you, mate, it feels fantastic. Stephen are they the ones that set the rules that it would be on the hydro foil boats is . We were the last one, brought it to San Francisco bay, pulled out the new boat, new format. Now we do it again so we come up with the rules. Obviously this is a huge success and for the first time nonsailors are watching sailing on t. V. Who would have thought. Stephen like right now. Like, exactly. So thats whats so cool and exciting. Stephen can i suggest somethinging . Say to this larry how about next time same boat but you sail just on an ocean of his cash. laughter ill give it a go. I wont promise anything. Next time i speak to him i may bring that up. Well see. Stephen what about me . I sail. If you need a crew member, i make excellent ballast. cheers and applause 6 i tell you what, i brought this hat along because these hats only the athletes wear, only the sailors so im in the recruitment process so im inviting you. Whenever youre ready, mate, jump on board. cheers and applause james spithill, oracle wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww stephen that it snoring snoring continues jingling hey. Hi. Hey. Come back to bed and snuggle with me. Oh. I wish i could, but i got to go to work. But theres cab fare on the nightstand. Thats the third morning in a row youve done that. Were married. Im already home, silly. Right. Youre here. Were married, and thats cool. Im psyched, dude. Thats great