Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131022 : vimarsana.

cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Good have you with us, ladying and gentlemen. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, please, nation, sit down thank you so much folks, good to have you with us. Folks, i got, its not always this way but tonight that chanting was as crisp as an october morning. laughter nation, im back from my vacation. Hi a great time. I spent it screaming obscenities at park rangers. laughter and of course the big story while i was gone is the end of the government shutdown. cheers and applause now congress can get back to the important work of government gridlock. laughter the shutdown cost the economy 24 billion and caused china to lower our Credit Rating to a minus, or as chinese parents call it an f. laughter this whole crisis, this whole crisis was so dramatic it lead some to ask is the United States a failed state . That is a headline from zimbabwe. laughter thats like ted cruz asking have you really thought your strategy through. laughter speaking of which, mr. Ted cruz knows which side won. We saw the house of representatives take a courageous stand, listening to the american people, that every one in washington just weeks earlier said would never happen. That was a remarkable victory. Stephen yes, this shutdowns with a remarkable victory. And as with all victories, we got to figure out who to blame. Well, fox news resident psychiatrist and fraudian phallic symbol dr. Kim ablow knows exactly who caused this victorious train wreck, jim . In the words hostage taking being held for ransom, he said that the republicans are threatening to blow the whole thing up. Theres a real victim mentality here. And it really explains the president s whole mentality and many of his policies. I think the president going back to when his dad abandoned him, when his mother left him with his grandparents, that all of those things lead him to feel victimized, hurt and injured. He and he has extended it to this country. Stephen yes, obamas refusal to negotiate with congress was just him getting back at his parents. I mean weve seen this sad story too many times. Africanamerican males without role models go on to become president and give Everyone Health care. applause i believe cheers and applause take that. A brilliant Long Distance diagnosis by dr. Ablow. But one must ask how was he able to yank such an insightful diagnosis so smoothly from his ass . laughter i for one have never met keith ablow but as an honorary doctor of fine arts im willing to stake my professional reputation that he is stuck in an anal retentative stage caused by his parents shaming him during potty time. So its safe to assume that he continues to wear a diaper and as we speak is using his own excrement to write out his ideas for tomorrows show. cheers and applause the point is i think the message is clear, the point is victory, lets just stop talking about it. Now nation, if you watch this show you know my judgements are final. So if you have a receipt, i can offer store credit. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, its no secret, im no fan of gay marriage. Whenever im invited to a gay wedding i express my outrage by getting a gift that is not on the registry. laughter hey, mark and jeffrey, youll never match my sauterne glasses with the stemware on your list and enjoy plan i couples dinner party with 7 of them. Thats why i am thrilled that one state out there has struck a blow against gay marriage. It is wedding day for hundreds of samesex couples in new jerseyment gay marriage now legal in that state. Samesex couples began exchanging vows at midnight across new jersey. I now by the power vested in me, thank god, by the state of new jersey, its about time, i declare joseph and orville to be lawful spouses in the state of new jersey stephen yes, that was newark applause stephen yes, i dont know why im clapping. No idea what this means. Yes, that was newarks hero mayor and senator Lech Corey Booker acting also as justice of the piece. He then went on to cater the wedding dinner, drive the limo and save the couple from an escape circus line. Folks, gay marriage has come to new jersey. And not just because it missed its exit on the expressway. laughter so im giving a tip of my hat to the olive garden state. If theres anything anything that will take the glamor out of gay marriage its new jersey. laughter i mean i know suburbs sound nice at first, gay, you stopped renting a cramped gay apartment in the big gay city and own your own gay house, lots more room to gay live. laughter someplaces with a gay yard where you can plant some gay tomatoes, gay property taxes tend to be high but that is to pay for all the great gay schools but then after a few years you get gay fat, oh, sure, you promise yourself you will gay go into the city but its friday night and you gay worked all week and gay dateline nbc is on and you say oh, the gay you will sit on the couch with a gay beer. Traditional values win. cheers and applause right now, next up, folks, its no secret marks fallen behind other countries in education. And not just in reading, writing and arithmetic but also riene and recent report by Harvard Kennedy school found students in latvia, chile and brazil are improving on standardized tests three times faster than american student, three times faster, thats almost twice as much. laughter now america is addressing this problem with something called the common core state standards. Which the New York Times called an ambitious set of goals for the math, reading and writing will skills that children should acquire as they move through school. Im all in favor of raising standards. If we can help even one kid do better in school, we will help all the kids who copy off that kid. laughter but folks theres one problem with encouraging our children to grow to their full potentialment someones got to grade all those papers. Which is why im giving a tip of the hat to roboteachers. You see Tech Companies have developed an automated reader which can grade 16,000 essays in 20 seconds. Finally, we have the compute approximating power to grade homework at the same blinding speed it was plagiarized from wikipedia. And i am giving a special additional rare tip of my hat to how these essays are comepugraded by evaluating critical elements by how long the average word is, how many words are in the average sentence and how long is the essay. Because as shakespeare himself wrote brevity is the soul of wit but splen difficult russ loquaciousness is paramount to acing your lit final. Finally applause finally, folks, i love my Amazon Kindle t is a fantastic place to store all the books ill never read. And with kindle direct publishing writers can now publish and sell fan fiction that would never make it in the traditional print industry such as, and these are real, the Jane Austen Inspired pride and penetration. Or the historical fiction Abraham Lincoln ninja [bleep] master, danielday lewis, return my call. applause so a big tip of the hat to amazon for putting the power of the press in the hands of the people, especially in their finest new genre and again this is real, dinosaur erotica. laughter its for anyone who has been to the museum of Natural History and said to themselves, id tap that. laughter the genre applause the genre includes such actual works as taken by the trex. Rafished by the triceratops and in the velociraptors nest, here is an excerpt. Azog felt the kiss of sharp claws against her skin as the hide slid from her shoulder and exposed one naked heaving breast. Azog gasped and relaxed as her body warmed to the intoxicating sensation of the beast flesh against her own. That is the hottest story of a prehistoric creature taking advantage of a young woman since hugh hefner. applause who among us cheers and applause who, who among us has not thought about getting it on with a lady triceratops. I mean were all a little tricurious. I mean when you see a skull thrill like that you dont have to be a paleontologist to unearth a bone. Well be right back. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody, my guests tonight have been called the steelly dan of canada, to the by many. Please welcome the reflektors. Who hey, good to you have on. Thanks for having us. Stephen very excited to have you on here. You guys are brothers, right. Yeah. Stephen okay, win butler, will butler, rhett butler s there another one. An uncle. Stephen i love the name win, its so strong. Like naming your kid champ. Yeah. Stephen now will say little weaker. Yeah, you have to have 9 will to win though. Stephen thats true. cheers and applause stephen youre the older brother, im guessing. All right, now guys the band is called the reflektors. And you guys are canadian band, right. Yeah, montreal. Stephen i only know two canadian band, Bachman Turner overdrive. Bto and arcade fire, those are the only two bands i know. Which one are you more like, which are the reflektors more like. I love taking care of business. Aint seen nothing yet baby. So a little like that. I like the chorus, the verse kind of beforing but i like the chorus, yeah. laughter stephen im glad are you not like arcade fire though, those guys theyre kind of pretentious, dont you think, arcade fire. Yeah. Stephen now the album is called reflectors. Right. Stephen and you are the reflektors. Okaynd you have a song called reflecter. Yeah. Stephen wass the deal with reflectioner, are you being antireflektor because i love reflection. Yeah. Were speaking pore about reflectors than reflection. Stephen like a bike reflector . Yeah. Its a real safety message, safety first. laughter stephen all right. Thats good. Kids, listen to them, get one on your helmet. Yeah, put one on your helmet, its cool. Stephen the new album is really dancy. What dow like more, what dow like more, getting people to sort of listen your lyrics and think about the message of like isolation in the modern world or getting them on the dance floor to shake that ass . Which one dow like more . cheers and applause i mean, i guess ideally with you would be shaking your ass with a little tear in the eye. cheers and applause stephen now there are a bunch of people in the group here, theres you guys and how many more. Were what a ten piece. Ten piece. Stephen okay. Do you know everyones name in the group . Yes. Stephen most of the time, you ever like look over there, hey, chief. Yeah. Stephen wass going on, big guy. People do that to us, you, one of the butlers. Win, not win, but. Stephen it helps because will is in the band and we have a percussionist named t will which is little will, big will and little will, easy. Stephen did you record any of this in haiti. We spent a lot. Our first show as the reflectors is in portauprince and the central platteau in haiti and going play music in haiti was really transform difficult, kind of made us want to make this record. Stephen your wife is from haiti. Yeah. Stephen how is haiti doing right now . Its theres a lot of great things happening. Portauprince is probably another 50 years before its really back, i honestly think its 50 years before it is back to where it was. But a lot of the rest of the country has really been bouncing back and we were there for carnival a couple years ago. Which is mind blowing. And its supersafe and anyone could kind of go and its one of the best carnivals in the world, in the south. Stephen you are kind of doing a little travel agent work now for haiti. Travel to haiti. cheers and applause stephen you guys support any charities down there. We do a lot with partners in health. Paul farmer has been working there for 30 years and theyre incredible organization. Real heroes of ours. applause stephen actually, you and paul have a physical resemblancement you guys could be reflektors of each other. He kind of looks like you a little bit, just physically. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen wow. Hes a way better person but you guys. Stephen really . You dont know me. applause youre so much taller than jon stewart. Stephen i am, i am. Yes, i am, thank you for noticing. laughter stephen stick around. Win and will, well be right back with a performance by the reflektors. cheers and applause 1u . . L . L wwww stephen here with a song off their all buck reflector, the reflectors. A little hot, dow mind sorry about that. Sorriee this is our first time play on tv. Anyone as cool as a normal person waiting after school for you just want to know if you if you know me too are you a normal person i cant tell if im a normal person its true i think im cool enough but am i cruel enough am i cruel enough for you i know everything is normal now i know to normal people they bring the jungle down but they were sleeping you do english now hes just the same as me its true everything is normal now i know everything is normal now i know thats what normal now i dont want to know if thats what is normal now momma dont make me go when they get started try to hide it when they get started they try to hide it when they get started they try to hide it no everything is normal now i know they will bring you down until everyone is normal now i know thats what normal now i dont want to know if thats whats normal now normal person normal person normal person like you how do you do how do you do. Stephen . How do you do . Thank you very much. Stephen the reflektors, well be right back. Stephen thats it for the report, folks. Stay tuned for the premier of Chris Hardwicks new show midnight starting now. Butt, butt, butt open up the time capsule butt, butt, butt open up the time capsule frank what are you doing . Butt, butt, butt