Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131108 : vimarsana.

Its even more upsetting when you consider the original miss marvel. She was wholesome and allamerican. Blond, family valued with two bulging chest muscles. And clearly wearing her sunday church panties. laughter this is nothing more than sharia creep plain and simple. First shes a comic character. Then she gets her own movie, then action figures, the next thing you know, my kids are dressing up as her for halloween and shouting trick or treat, death to captain america its coming. Mark my words. Nation, you know i am judge, jury and executioner so making love with me is a fourway. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause folk, i dont have to till the kids have lost out of what is important, all they care about is their tweeting and their twerking, rubbing your butt against things should be reserved for revenge against your boss. Thats why personally im grateful our kids have one reliable source of good values, television ads. Today were taking some kids on the best field trip they could wish for, and they done even know it. Hi, guys. Im ranger brad. Welcome aboard. Were not going to waste any time. Lets play name that leaf. Whats this one . He says it is an oak leaf. It is a field maple, thats okay. Im a big fan of trees, i done know if you can tempt but were not going to the forest today, were going to tois tois, guys. Toys r us. Welcome to the worlds greatest toy store toys r us has really captured the magic of having a stranger take your kids on a bus, lie about where theyre going then take off his clothes and promise him toys. But more importantly, more pornly, i want to give a big tip of the hat to toys r us for reminding our kids that nature sucks. This commercial shows kids the Great Outdoors is nothing compared to the majesty of a strip mall. And they still get some nature because remember, that confetti used to be a tree. Besides nature is boring. I played in it once. It was nothing to buy, i had to pretend to stick with a sword or telescope or magic wand. Thats too many option. Kids need the clarity of a molded plastic nerf rifle. Its not just the forest that blows, its the animals too. Kids can learn a lot more from the animals of chuck e. Cheese than they can from a polar bear at the zoo. I watched this guy for an hour, he play any bluegrass even after i threw a banjo at him. Next up, folks, we only have so long on this planet. So when i die i want to be buried in the most massive mausoleum possible. That way i can spend eternity doing what i love most, take up more space than i need. laughter thats why i am so offended by this new product. A mushroom burial suit designed to help the body decompose after death is the latest concept turning heads at a convention downtown. Its a mushroom death suit embedded with an infinite mushroom spors designed to speed off feed off the body and speed up decomposition. Speed up decomposition, im sorry, is my dead body not decomposing fast enough for you. How thoughtless of me. Folks, i would not be caught dead in this mushroom death suit. Which, incidentally, was also the name of my doom metal band. So i am giving a big wag of the finger to shroom tomb. Folk, the burial Industrial Complex is rallying behind this mushroom shroud for the worst possible reasons. The idea to were tect the environment from toxic chemicals, the suit maker says r often associated with kre mation and graveyard burials. Instead of kre mation were looking at more green options, natural burial options and this lends itself to that. Who are these monsters who turn my death into some kind of natural process . And personally i have no interest in the low grade shiitakes this thing will turn me into. To, if im turning into a fungus it had better become white premium truffles sniffed out by a boar in the forest of italy then shaved over a Hedge Fund Managers lynn queenee for 300 a plate. Wow, wow. Linguini. applause i sound delicious. I hope i die in time for me to eat myself. Finally, folks, i love happy endings. I also enjoy stories that feel good at the conclusion. Well heres one that is sure to warm the koch els of your heart. You all remember two years ago when the students at uc davis holding a sitin terrorized the campus sidewalk with their butts and had to have their eyes pepper boarded. It was a dark story that gripped a nation. But will you be happy to know the victim has finally been compensated. John pike, the Campus Police officer at uc davis who pepper sprayed those protestors will receive 38,000 in workers comp for the depression and anxiety he suffered in the aftermath. Stephen folks i know, im happy too. It is the biggest payout for assaulting peoples eyes since transformers 3. laughter so i want to give a tip of the hat to john pike for finally Getting Compensation for the brutality of john pike. This man cannot walk down the street without being called a pepper spray guy. And that stings. Not as bad as pepper spray but still pretty bad. Because the cornea coddlers out there turned this guy into the worst thing you could possibly become, an internet meme. An internet meme so folks, pike has gotten justice. But what of the occupied protestors whose eyes were so dangerously squirtable. John pike will receive 38,000 in workers comp, by comparison the 21 people hit by the pepper spray and the otherwise peaceful protest, each received 30,000. Stephen sure, the protestors got less but on the bright side they beat the odds and actually made money with a liberal arts degree. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, from watching the news and i hope you have before you come to the show, you got to do your homework. Yesterday was election day. And barack obama once again managed to hold on to the presidency. Wasnt even on the ballot. Oh, and theres no voter fraud, right. But folks, there was some good electoral news. It looks Like Washington state voters have rejected initiative 522, which would have required warning labels for foods with genetically modified ingredients. Thank goodness. Folks, i believe it is none of our business what were putting in our mouths. As a great man once said, ignorance is bliss. Who was that man . Dont know, dont want to know. laughter besides, i want genetically modified foods. Because you are what you eat. And im hoping one day a mut ant tomato can give me heat vision. But some people are a against t jim . Basically what it is, is food made in a laboratory. Until the last 20 or 30 years this is food that has never existed before in humanity so it is made in a laboratory. Over 60 countries around the world require gmos to be labeled but the u. S. Does not. Whats even scarier is that now people in just every day of their life and dont even know t its right in our food. And they could be causing you disease. Researchers have never found Health Consequences in humans from genetically modified foods. Only in rats. See, just rats. And the only reason we do those experiments is to promote rat health. You want to make sure theyre eating right. Plus making businesses provide gmo warning label was cost us all money, right, lady news mouth. But some people say is to figure out if a food that might have a lot of ingredients are any of them genetically modified, does need to be labeled that that costs money and we would see more expensive food in our communities. Yes, americas food manufacturers cant take the time and expense to find out if there is genetically modified ingredients in their food. They dont even know if there is food in their food. laughter and fox news understands where knowing things will lead. The real impact would come if you slapped this label on the product, you scared consumer as way, then the farmers have to go to less efficient techniques. That is when you stop seeing the seedless watermelon, the seeds come back. Stephen did you hear that . You hear that, no seedless watermelon. Which by the way isnt even genetically modified. Then what will we do, eat watermelons with seeds . What are we, animals . Questioning what is on your plate is unamerican, folks. You think the pilgrims asked the indians oh, is this maize genetically modified . Is this squash locally sourced . No, they ate it because they were starving. And every day americans honor the pilgrims by eating as if we are starving. Andc just forget, please forget labeling at restaurant chains. Im not interested in the contents of starbucks lemon loaf cake. The word loaf tells me all i need to know. And dont tell me about the antifoaming agent in my chicken mcnug ets. That ruins the surprise when my mouth doesnt foam. I say we get rid of all labels. All food should come in an unmarked box. Like my new line of snack foods Stephen Colberts just eat it. Every box comes with a complimentary blindfold. You put on the blindfold, open the box, and stick it in your mouth. laughter though word of warning, dont let it near your rat, or he is a dead man. Well be right back. Cheers because is welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight hosts a show on public radio as a tribute ill be calling this one in, please welcome brian lehrer. applause plaus. Stephen brian, hey, nice to meet you, thanks for coming on. Listen, im a longtime fan, first time hoster. Thanks for coming on, for the people out there who perhaps do not get the radio in new york, you are the host of brian lehrer show near at wnyc here in new york. I think the finest local news in new york. cheers and applause because i generally dont do local news. No competition, thats good. Stephen all right. Now brian, we have a new mayor in new york city. cheers and applause bill de blasio. And as a wealthy new yorker, i am terrified this guy ran on tax geigs like me. Do you think thats going to happen . Well, if you make more than 500,000. Stephen oh, yeah, yeah, oh yeah which you dont have to disclose your entire 1040. Stephen oh i wont. He wants less than 1 more than you pay in taxes right now so that. Stephen what . Every fouryearold can go to prek in new york city. Stephen why should i give my applause stephen why should i be giving up 1 of my income so some stupid kid can go to prek. They cant even read yet, why are they going to school. You have a point about the failed toddler problem. We should give up o on more fouryearolds. Stephen at a certain point, you have to just you know, not throw good money after bad. laughter nevertheless, it looks like s going to give it a shot. Stephen so do you think that is actually going happen . I know that is what he wants to do. But does he have the votes in the city council el to do it. You have to get votes from the state legislature. Which is the weird thing about new york, that the state gets to decide whether the city raises taxes only on city residents. Thats another good thing for him to fight. Stephen okay, but is he going to be able to get it . He might be able to get it i dont know. Stephen just make telephone up. Yes. Stephen yes. Okay, all right, all right. Why did new york go for such a pinko like de blasio . I mean the only reason he won is because of his impossibleably cool looking kids, isnt that right . Hes got very cool looking kids. Stephen yeah. But he also tapped into a certain unhappiness and anxiety in new york. In many ways Michael Bloombergs had been a fabulous mayor. However, weve got a boom in billionaires in new york city and a boom in poor people. And bloomberg didnt always seem to feel the poor peoples pain. And so the time was ripe for somebody like de blasio to come along and run on inequality. Stephen but thats class warfare. I dont think you have to call it class warfare. Stephen you dont have to. But im willing to. laughter all right. Youre welcome to. Its generous. Maybe well v you know, classes that are a little closer together and then there wont be a reason for war. Stephen all right. But, are you a rich guy . No. Stephen i envy you. laughter because de blasio made guys like me seem like bad guys for not wanting to support poor people. Because suddenly because i dont want there to be Public Housing any more. Or i dont want children to get education, im a bad guy. That sour beautiful city right now that sour big beautiful city, a live shot right now, beautiful city. And he is going to turn that into Public Housing, you realize. No, no. Stephen he is going to, it, the whole thing will have laundry hanging from it. Its probably worth mentioning it that most of the rich people in new york voted for de blasio. He won like every demographic. Stephen what . Well, that is true, de blasio got 73 , lhota was 24, which was not a percent, i think it was just 24 votes. I think. There will be no recouldnt in this election. Stephen why did lhota do so poorly,why couldnt he tap into anything. Because bloomberg was essentially a republican. Why couldnt you follow up with another republican . Well, he tried. He didnt have the winning personality. He didnt have the kids. He didnt have the message, apparently, that was right for the time. Stephen do you think that his willingness to run over kittens with subway cars, because there were kittens on its tracks of the subway and he said i would not stop the subways to save the lives of kittens, which might be the first time a politician of any millennium ever said that. If may not have warmed his image very much. Stephen okay. What do you think bloombergs legacy is going to be . Bloombergs legacy, besides what i said before about the boom if billionaires and the boom in poor people and him not quite getting peoples pain in the last few years, is also going to be as probably the greatest Public Health mayor in the history of america. Stephen you mean nanny state mayor. You can call it nanny state mayor. Stephen i just did. If you want. Stephen i just z you mean like raising the smoking age, no more than 16 ounce of a soda, i dont think youre allowed to give children lollipops any more. The lollipop ban hasnt been proposed as far as i know. Stephen because he got resistance from the lollipop guild. Yeah. cheers and applause now what about right across the river, right over there, right o cross the river in new jersey, Chris Christie won in a blue state, why de win in a blue state, was it just his response to sandy or Something Else about Chris Christie that appeals to people. Because they had a really strong candidate against him. They had the lady with the hair and the face what was her name . Barbara bueno, she was left to run against christie when some of the better known democrats wouldnt dare take him on in new jersey. And you know, christie is one of those rare politicians who you can disagree with almost everything he stands for and still love the guy. Stephen voters in new jersey dont agree with his policies but voted for him overwhelmingly. They think that he doesnt mean what says. They think that he means what he says, and somebody said the most successful politicians in history are the ones that are best at feigning sincerity. Stephen hard to fake. cheers and applause thank you so much for joining me, from wnyc, brian lehrer, well be right back. Thank you so much. Welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Folks, before we say good night, i would like to wish a warm welcome to the newest member of the colbert nation, little Harrison Arthur fischel. Son of my stellar talent coordinator amy schwartz fischel. If i know amy and i think i do, everything was perfectly set up for har isons arrival. He was greeted with a cheese plate, Room Temperature sparkling water and a standard oncamera waiver. So best of luck, amy, and hopefully harrison will be less demanding and easier to accommodate than morrissey was. He may not have anything to promote yet but he already looks like a star. Good night, test from come sdee Central World news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Tonight our guest, youre going to like this, Monique Brinson demery. Shes the author of finding the drag on lady its about my prom. Lets begin tonight with our special coverage of all of last nights big elections with indition 2013, wait, there was an election in 2013, edition. First up. Close to home, new york city elected worlds tallest human bill de blasio, as the mayor de blasio campaigned on progressive platform of economic disparity and economic diversity. This takes time. Jon holy [bleep] lock your doors. La revolution one has begun. De blasio won in a blowout crushing his opponent joe lhota by 49 Percentage Points at which point lhota was swol owed up by angry zombies. Somebody get the guy an apple bus, the yellow pages to stand on . Meanwhile in Virginia Governor race, terry mccallive struck a below for corrupt government by defeating tea party archetype and noted sodomy opponent ken you