Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131127 : vimarsana.

Praising me, tonight i have to start with a praise for you, the colbert nation. Because last week, folks, i called out china for donating a measly 100,000 in cash to typhoon victims in the philippines. Evidently china cant relate to storm damage because their air is too thick to actually move. laughter folks, i was so upset that i called on you, the nation, to outdo china by texting colbert to 50555 to donate 10 to convoy of hope, philippines relief effort. And thousands of texts poured in as did one or two sex ts. laughter inappropriate but appreciated. And since thursday at midnight, you have raised brace yourselves a quarter of a Million Dollars cheers and applause that is hold on. cheers and applause thats more than 100,000. laughter folks, you did it. Eat it, china. Eat it with chopsticks laughter folks, i say china is out and the colbert nation now gets your slot as world superpower. cheers and applause so tonight i am not only leader of the colbert nation but also the chairman. laughter and applause and, folks, these are my demands. One i want a seat at the u. N. Security council. In fact, make it a recline we are cub holders so i can watch my stories while some jagoff from yo uruguay keeps yakking. Next, i demand chinas mostfavored nations trading status. That will help the bottom line once i force my audience to make ipads. laughter lastly, i demand the International Community respect my right to continue developing the colbert Nations Nuclear program. laughter it is for energy even though i have pledged to wipe vermont off the map. We will drive you into Lake Champlain cheers and applause nation, like all of you, i have enjoyed watching obamas signature piece of legislation unravel like a loose burrito in a backpack. laughter i do not think there has been a time in American History when a president got this unpopular this fast other than that one time. President obamas predicament has prompted comparisons with where president bush was at this point in his presidency and the aftermath of hurricane katrina. Is this obamas political katrina . Stephen yes, its exactly like katrina but, of course, theres one thing you cant say to president obama brownie, youre doing a heck of a job. audience reacts . laughter oh, oh, oh, that is just wrong. Because hes not doing a heck of a job. The point is, obama couldnt make health care work, so his legacy is now set bad at using technology to extend life, good at using technology to end it. audience reacts and this failure goes beyond the web site, folks. Remember, the president repeatedly said if you like your plan, you can keep it. But now millions of plans are being canceled. So last week, the president held a press conference to address the problem. Jim . Oh, the humanity stephen no, no, no jim, no, wrong disaster. laughter you know what . You know what . I think cnns the don lemon put obamas public implosion into the proper perspective. You wont find two politicians whove had worse weeks than president obama and toronto mayor rob ford. Theyve had a pretty bad week. audience reacts president obama saying sorry over and over for his socalled signature achievement, obamacare, rob ford admitting to be a crack smoker. audience reacts . Stephen yes, obama is in the same tight spot as torontos cracksmoking mayor. I mean, the parallels are everywhere, folks. Both had press conferences and thats it. laughter but, folks, comparing the first black president to the first blackout mayor isnt unfair. Its not unfair at all because lemon made sure to ask several times whether it was unfair or not. Is it fair, though, to compare the two crises . No, its not fair to compare them at all. Theyre totally different. Ill ask you the same question. Is it fair to compare the two crises . Because its about damage control not whether the two crises are equivalent. Exactly and i think its fair to make a comparison for the simple fact that both of them are in trouble. Stephen yeah, theyre both in trouble. Therefore, its an entirely fair comparison. The same way that since theyre both on video, its fair to compare don lemons reporting to this dog milking a goat. cheers and applause well, ive got to say, chuck todd looks great in that hat. And this failure to launch is the end of more than just obamacare, folks. Jim, bring down the krauthammer. We have not just obamacare unraveling, not just the Obama Administration unraveling, not just the democratic majority of the senate, but we could be looking at the collapse of american liberalism. Stephen you nailed it count chuckula. laughter obamacares failure means liberalism is dead i can see it just as clearly as if im about to do it at another camera. laughter just got back from the social justice rally which i attended because i believe in all citizens shared responsibility and human rights regardless of race, class, creed or orientation. Wait, whats this . I cant log on to obamacare . Burn the gays burn them cheers and applause of course, i was just doing that in character. Yes, nation, things are going pretty well for conservatives and weve handled this sudden good fortune with our trademark grace and humility. All of a sudden when obamacare stops being this abstraction, you know, and it turns out to be a disaster and i think that conservatives and republicans get to gloat a little and say we told you so. For me ill sit back and try to refrain from saying we told you so. Hate to say we told you so. Well, we told you so. We hate to say we told you so but quite honestly we all look like geniuses now. laughter and applause stephen shes right the obamacare rollout is so bad that by comparison Michele Bachmann is a genius cheers and applause and if a selfcertified genius like bachmann was right about obamacare she must have been right about everything the planned parenthood is a billion dollar a year entity. They want to become the lens crafter of big abortion. Stephen brilliant the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the united states. audience reacts . Stephen what else you got, einstein . There isnt even one study that can be produced that shows that Carbon Dioxide is a harmful gas. laughter . Stephen genius cheers and applause thats a cheap high. laughter bottom line, we were right about obamacare, therefore we were right about everything. He was born in kenya. Hes a secret muslim. And we should have elected what . No jim, no thats better. Well be right back. Stephen welcome back, everybody, thank you so much nation, if youve watched this show before and i certainly hope yo you have did you know that i always say that any old dog can hump your leg, but an alpha dog makes your other leg watch. This is my alpha dog of the week. cheers and applause folks, this weeks alpha dog is chip wilson c. E. O. Of the upscale Yoga Clothing store lululemon. Now, while others are blind to womens issues, this seeing eye alpha dog is womens best friend. Back in 2009, he offered a unique take on womens history writing in the early 1970s the pill came into being. Womens lives changed immediately. Females no longer had to make relationships work. Mens lives didnt change, however, and they continued to search for a stay at home wife like their mothers. Men did not know how to relate to the new female, thus came the era of divorces. audience reacts you hear that, ladies . Divorce is your fault because you got the pill allowing you to have all kinds of carefree sex. Every husbands nightmare. cheers and applause but whatever you do, dont call this alpha dog sexist. Hes way more than that. For instance, hes also racist. He said that he chose a brand name with a lot of ls in it as a Marketing Tool because the sound didnt exist in japanese phonetics, telling one journalist its funny to watch them try and say it. audience reacts that is hirarious laughter rohroh. Earlier this alpha dog got a swat on the nose. Yoga pants are being recalled for being too see through. The recall involves panting using the signature fabric that is combination of nigh lob and lycra. This is 17 of all lululemon bottoms. Customers have noticed their workouts are looking more like a pipe show saying lululemons pants are see through, leaving little to the imagination. Now the company is getting complaints about two other styles of pants. Customers say theyre scratchy, pilling, and once again see through. Stephen thats right. Lululemon recalled its transparent yoga pants for women which caused a huge drop in stock price followed by a huge drop in men going to yoga class. laughter but even after turning sun sal you stations into full moons laughter this alpha dog refused to muzzle himself. He revealed why his pants were not only see through but suffered the pilling. Frankly, some womens bodies just dont work for it. And that could be stephen . They dont work for this pant . No, they dont work for certain some womens bodies. Just, you know, its about the rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure there. audience reacts . Stephen thats right. Lululemon c. E. O. Thinks his product is defective and its your fault because as patanjali says in the yoga sutra cultivate friendliness to the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous and indifference toward the wicked. Also, no fatties. laughter now, not every c. E. O. Has the marketing savvy to live by the mantra the customer is always fat. laughter but chip here knows that calling out your clienteles chubrub is just good marketing. It makes them feel insecure about their bodies, thats causing them to work out more which means they need more athletic clothes chaching. laughter by the way, chaching is also chip wilsons nickname for chinese people. laughter hirarious and after his critics barked that it was time for him to roll over and apologize he released this heart felt statement. Im sad. Im really sad. Im sad for the people at lululemon who i care so much about. I take responsibility for all that has occurred and the impact it has had on you. Im sorry to have put you all through this. Stephen you hear that, ladies . Chip wilson is sad that your chafing ham hocks made him put his employees through this difficult time. That still wasnt enough for the hounds in the media. No apparent apology to customers, no explanation at all. Con from a marketing standpoint chip wilsons apology is kind of a disaster. Seems like hes saying im sorry i got caught but he doesnt seem sorry he said it. Some are calling it the worst im sorry ever. Stephen thats ridiculous it was a perfectly good apology. But some womens bodies just dont work for it. If chips im sorry wasnt good enough, you probably couldnt hear him properly over the loud rubbing of your fat thighs. laughter so thank you, chip wilson, for lifting your throwing pee on your customers and then blaming them for being wet. You, sir, are my alpha dog of the week. Well be right back. cheers and applause everybody my guest tonight is the director of the heartbreaking film 12 years a slave. On the bright side, slavery didnt last as long as i thought. Please welcome Steve Mcqueen cheers and applause hey, mr. Mcqueen, thanks so much for coming on. All right, thank you so much for coming on. This is a huge thrill. Off giant movie this year. Thank you very much. Stephen now youre a british artist and filmmaker, your films include hunger and shame. Currently youre the producer and director of 12 years a slave which is adapted from an 1853 chronicle of a man named Solomon Northup, right . Correct. Stephen tell the people the story of solomon. Well, Solomon Northup was a free black man that lived in saratoga, new york, who got kidnapped in 1841 and he was brought to the south where he lived for 12 years within slavery. Stephen okay, the thing about this movie is i you know, i havent seen it yet, im looking forward to it. The thing that ive heard is that it makes slavery look really bad. laughter is that a spoiler alert . I dont know. laughter it was pretty cruel. It was pretty brutal. It was slavery, so unfortunately stephen right, right. Thats why they call it slavery. Precisely. Stephen im on record as saying that im against slavery, i want to be very clear about that. Im very pleased about that. Stephen it took a fair amount of courage, but i did it. Im from the dream south, charleston, south carolina. As we like to say, all roads lead north from charleston. laughter where does this movie take place . It takes place in louisiana. Stephen okay, well thats understandable. Those people are terrible. laughter south carolina, was slavery bad everywhere . Because i grew up hearing that some slaves enjoyed at least the job security. Im not saying slavery. audience reacts honest to god. I grew up being taught the civil war was not about slavery, it was about Economic Issues and about states rights and that a lot of slaves, you know, enjoyed the job security. I would doubt that very much. laughter stephen you learn something new everyday. Yeah. I will say no to that completely and emphatically, in fact. Quite emphatically. Stephen okay. Let me ask you something. I a lot of times i dont care but i hear youre a black guy. Apparently. Stephen okay. If youre a black guy but you have an english accent. Correct, yes. Stephen what is an english person doing coming over here and telling us our sordid history. Well accuse ourselves of crimes, if you dont mind, sir. laughter well, slavery wasnt particularly focused just n the united states. It was a global and world trade. Stephen you know what your people did to the irish, my people. Oh, absolutely. Stephen would you like to apologize to as an english person . Would you like to apologize to my people, the irish people, for what you did to us . laughs . Stephen would you like to apologize right now . I would like to apologize for all crimes of cruelty and slavery throughout the world which exist even today. cheers and applause stephen all right. Pretend im a moviegoer, okay . Saturday night, i can choose between going to see thor. laughter last vegas, maybe that blue is the warmest color thing. laughter and 12 years a slave. Sell me. Well, ill sell it to you this way stephen one of them is thor. laughter yes, he has a very big hammer. 12 years a slave is a true story about an American Hero and i would actually say to you, the audience, that hes a rarity in the world as a figure and as i said before, he needs to be recognized and needs to be sort of looked at in perspective now. Stephen was this novel popular back in the day . It sold 27,000 copies in its first year. But what happened after was Uncle Toms Cabin came the next year and obliterated it so it got buried. Stephen and she was just riding his coattails. And she took a lot of from that book and next year we had a fictionalized book of slavery that became a huge bestseller and buried 12 years a slave. Stephen did you pay anything to Solomon Northup for his story . No, but the public are paying him very, very well. The book has sold over 100,000 copies in two months. Stephen 100,000 copies in two months but he doesnt get part of your knew spree in. No, he doesnt get a cut of my movie. Stephen i dont want to point out that you are making money off the labor of a black man. laughter and paying him nothing theres a word for that, you realize. Trust me, im not getting paid that much, unfortunately. laughter stephen well, thank you for joining us. cheers and applause Steve Mcqueen, 12 years a slave. Well be right back. cheers and applause ,x stephen thats it for the captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning made possible by Comedy Central im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine