Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131128 : vimarsana.

To donate . Walmart. laughter anyone can afford food there expept people who work at walmart. laughter why stop at food . Walmart can stop Offering Health insurance if they just set up a please vaccinate my child bin. laughter and they might want to change the employee desk from how may i help you to just help. laughter folks, you know what is does not need any help throughout . The stock market. The dow is up 22 . The nasdaq up 31 . The s p 500 up 26 . The index has gained more than 3 points this year alone. The s p 500 moved above 1800 for the first time. Stock prices hit new milestones today. The dow traded above 16,000 for the first time ever. Stephen yes, the dow set a new record meaning it got to enter its initials on the highscore screen. laughter folks, that record high is good for everybody, especially wetiest 5 of americans who own 82 of all stocks the other 95 have their money invested mostly in beanie babies and donated canned goods. laughter cheers and applause lot of walmart fans here tonight. But now socialist commissars over at the wall street journal are saying the gulf between the haves and the havenots may hurt the economy. Well, thats exaggerating. A gulf . My gated community only has a moat. laughter no surprise the rest of the red brigade is joining in. Like that manager of the Worlds Largest bond fund william gross. Ordinary folks, the 99 , dont have any money anymore the rich 1 and corporations do. Developed economies work best when inequality and incomes are at a minimum. Stephen that is a sobering thought. Metaphorically, of course. As soon as i heard it i got drunk. laughter the point is im choosing to believe that income inequality isnt as big a deal and doesnt need to change. Here to tell me it is a big deal and needs to change is former labor secretary for president clinton and star of the new documentary inequality for all robert reich. Mr. Reich, thank you so much for joining us. cheers and applause you were on the show about three years ago sounding the alarm warning if we didnt do something it would tank economy or cause a revolution. Three years later im richer than ever. I assume youre back here to apologize. No, i didnt tell you exactly when it would tank the economy and cause a revolution. I said if we continue in the same direction its dangerous for the economy and dangerous for our democracy and i still think it is very dangerous. Stephen how did it cause an economic collapse . I dont understand why me having all the money is a bad thing. Most americans, the vast middleclass and the poor dont the purchasing power to the economy going which is why this recovery is the most anemic recovery on record. Stephen how long until this reaches a crisis point . If we hold off long enough i may have enough money to start my own economy and blow this one off. Well, some people are so wealthy that they are leaving the United States and they are setting up tax havens abroad and they are in effect setting up their own economy. Stephen and where are they going . Can you give me a list of any places . Just general ideas . Why dont you try the netherlands. That might be a good place. But most americans and most people and most countries are staying put and they rely on an economy thats growing for everybody. We did hit in the three decades after the second world war, theres no reason we cannot do it again. Stephen whose fault is this . Is this obamas fault . It is not obamas fault. Stephen obamacare. I meant obamacare. Is it obamacares fault . No, this is not the part of obamacare. The problem here has been growing for three decades. We didnt recognize it because we basically turned our backs on the problem. Stephen as a rich person, im getting a little scared that the poors may come and take what i have theres only 1 of us. Were an oppressed minority. Stephen, do not be scared. If, in fact, we have a more Equitable Society where more people have a chance to make it, where theres a wider circle of prosperity you are going to do better, i guarantee it. Stephen that a moneyback guerin see in im not going to give you any money back, no. Stephen what if the poor or middleclass had something that we rich people wanted to buy . You know . Surely they have plentiful organs and daughters. Isnt there something that we could purchase from them so they can get money . Yes, well, you could purchase we could have a higher minimum wage, for example, and more people would have more money in their pockets to turn around and buy stuff which would actually make you and others like you even better. Stephen whats the answer in ten words or less and do not make any of them the word taxes. laughter invest more and better in our schools and in Higher Education. Get big money out of politics. And try to get more revenues from the rich. Stephen is more than fair. laughter ill do it again. Get more revenues from the very rich, use it for better schools and Higher Education and get big money out of politics. Stephen youve got know thats more than ten twice now. The thats just another tax and talk too much liberal. Get big money how about get big money out of politics . Stephen get big money out of politics. Okay, as long as youre not getting big money out of me. Well, mr. Reich, thank you so much for joining me tonight. Robert reich, everybody. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. cheers and applause folks, the everybody who watches this show knows i am always looking for time savers. Thats why i love those helpful spoiler alerts. Rose buds a sled, he was dead the whole time and the dudes found their car. See, i just saved you all six hours. Chalk it up to my generation, but me and my fellow millennials dont like to wait. We want our food fast, our grams insta, our mobs flash and we want it all now. Actually, now that now is too late. So this now nope, missed it again. Reading articles on the internets takes forever, thats why i was thrilled to see a new timesaving feature on news, opinion, and Stone Roofing supply site slate. Com. laughter on its links it tells you how long it will take to read a story. audience reacts as slate explains, people complained quite reasonably about not knowing what they would find behind each link, a twosentence blog post, a 12page expo sigs. This will give readers advanced note about what theyll getting themselves into. Thank you clicking on a story is a huge commitment first you have to aim the cursor then it takes about two seconds to load, then ive got scan the thing too see how long it is and if i want to back out i have to relead to page where i came from. Now as many as eight seconds have passed and im that much closer to the cold embrace of death. laughter i want to be able to decide before i click whether a story is worth my time am i interested in reading about a to help more mothers who cant afford expensive hospital incubators. But am i seven minutes interest sndz laughter maybe id rather read a oneminute article about a malaysian businessman trading hookers for navy secrets seven times. laughter slate even saved me time while saving me time by writing m instead of minute which saves me precious inutes. laughter i believe slate is on to something here, folks. They know i need to know how long everything is in my life before i commit. Like falling in love. Too many unanswered questions. laughter will we kiss on the first date, the second date . How long is the court ship . One month, two . How long will our first wedding dance be . A 2 57 like etta james at last or 4 minutes like Van Morrisons have i told you lately that i love you . I have to know and kids bring a whole new set of uncertainty. Junior ballpark it when youre gonna say your first word for me. A year . Two years . Ill fire up the camera for da da but choochoo . I dont know. Mommy can brief me on that later. Far matter, how long will the rest of my life take . 40 years . I dont have time for that, ill be dead. How long until the first snow . How long until spring . How long until im out of ritz crackers . How long until im sick of them. Will i ever wake up happy . How long will i take to find myself . Do i have to move to nepal for a year or can i lock it down with one super moving pottery workshop . Is life worth living if i actually have to live it . How long until this segment is over . Jimmy, put up a countdown clock. Now i can relax because if i know how long it is until this moment is over i can finally live in the cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight has released a new line of christmas candles. I didnt know jesus had a birthday cake please welcome senator rick santorum. cheers and applause senator, thank you so much for coming on. Great to see you. All right, thank you so much for being my guest tonight. My pleasure. Stephen i appreciate you coming along. I dont get a lot of republicans on here because they know im going to agree with them the entire time. Everybody knows former twoterm senator for pennsylvania, used to be in congress. You were one of the leading lights of the Republican Party running in 2012. You came damn close, sir. Lets make some news. laughter lets make some news right now. I am are you running in 2016 . I am not sure. Stephen lets get you sure. Lets get you sure, okay . Remember, this is how the Republican Party works. I dont know if now you know how the party works but the last guy standing after the nominee is the next nominee you know, mccain got it after bush, okay . You were the last guy standing when you lost to what was the name of the dude you lost to . I forget his name. Kitkatny . You lost to that cat. Dont they owe it to you . Yeah. Yeah. I think thats right. Stephen all right all right, damn straight. cheers and applause what i liked about your message was that you were speaking from the heart. You were speaking from the sweater vested heart. laughter and then what is this . Oh, no cheers and applause oh, hell yeah oh, yeah yeah, were doing it. Yeah. Yeah. cheers and applause all right, okay. You really seem to be appealing directly to the heart of not enough people to win. laughter what do you think it was about your message that people most responded to . Simplicity. The point you just made. People want someone who will go out here i talked to people here today who said i dont believe in everything that you believe in but i believe you believe. Stephen youve got new movie stud sglo yeah. Stephen okay. Okay colight studios. Stephen how do you go from someone who is a cultural warrior calling out the crimes of hollywood to being part of the problem . laughter cheers and applause stop cursing the darkness and light a candle and thats what im doing. Instead of complaining about what hollywood is doing were going to make movies that reflect the values that i think a lot of Americans Still hold and believe are important for our country to do well going forward. Stephen you got a new movie. Yeah, go ahead and give it up for going forward. The new movie is called the christmas candle. And its a story of a town with a set of miraculous candles. No, not really. Stephen what . Not really. Stephen theres no miraculous candle . Well, theres a candle that have been blessed. Every 25 years an angel comes to this town and blesses the candle. Stephen just like it says in the bible. Not exactly. Not exactly. But this candle was given to someone who is in need in the community and a miracle happens on Christmas Eve to that family. Its a beautiful story and now. Stephen so its not a miraculous and can . Well, the candle is not miraculous but the prayer that is said they give the instructions, light it and pray. So not the candle that gives the miracle but the prayer. An answer to prayer that is the miracle. Stephen i can accept that. I can accept that. Were not its not like voodoo stuff. laughter stephen miraculous candle isnt voodoo, its chanukah. cheers and applause were both catholics. Youre probably the most famous catholic politician, im the most famous catholic on television. Can we talk about the hispanic vote for a second . Theyre catholics, why cant conservatives reach out to the hispanics . applause for petes sake, the pope is an hispanic now. Doesnt that kind of make us hispanic ourselves . What. Stephen by the transitive property of all things . Well, hes the holy father. Can we reach out to them on social issues . Absolutely. Thats one of the things i said with the republicans who say they want to abandon these issues. The way we can reach out to a large segment of the minority population is through social issues, is through issues where there is common agreement on those biblical principles. Stephen what about gay marriage . Were losing this one, arent we . Weve got 15 states plus the district of columbia who are riding the cheers and applause hey, dont get me wrong. Dont get me wrong. Im angry, too. Weve got 15 states plus the district of columbia riding the rainbow train to hell tune. laughter hasnt this one slipped away from us . I think the real problem here is marriage has slipped away from us. Marriage has deinvolved into just a pro man tick relationship between two people and thats not what marriage is. Stephen its for transferring property. cheers and applause you 1 ers dont have to worry about that. Stephen ive read the old testament. Marriage is more than that and heterosexuals have lost the definition of marriage so its not surprising that other people want to see, well, this is all marriage is today and so we should be involved in that. And so i think the better debate is to talk about what narj is and reclaim the institution as a man and a woman coming together to have children and raise them a way that continues society. Stephen what if we cut bait on it . What if we just say its a neighborhood thats gone to seed we just leave the keys to marriage out front and we go get Something Better . laughter gays you can have marriage because at this point marriage kind of seems gay. cheers and applause real gay. We go get Something Better. Well, thats the argument im making. The argument im making is we have to claim what marriage is. Stephen what is it. I just said before. Stephen i wasnt listening. laughter its the union of a man and a woman for the purposes of having and raising children and continuing society. Thats what its always been about and its more than just it is romantic relationships but its more than that. Stephen but what is it not . Because you famously once said its not man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. laughter is it dog on dog, because that would be thats the quote. Well, its a little taken out of context. Stephen oh, really . Contextualize me. Contextualizing it is that what were talking about is a relationship that is important for the continuance of society and thats what we need to focus on. Stephen ive heard some disturbing news that gay people have children. laughter cheers and applause ive heard some places they can even adopt children. Yeah. Heres what i would say to that. Every child has the right to their natural mother and father. Every child has a natural mother and father and they have a right to those mothers and that mother and father to give them what only a mother and only a father can give. What if they dont a mother or a father . Wouldnt it be better for them to have no parents than to be loved by two gay people . laughter stephen the point of the law is to encourage what is best, right . Its to set a standard for what is best, not to set a standard short of what have is best because when you do that youll get less than what is necessary. Stephen so whats the next movie in something that can appeal to conservatives like a Christmas Movie where rudolphs nose is bright enough that people can exercise their Second Amendment rights easier . laughter and applause not there yet. Stephen good luck with echo light studios. Senator rick santorum. The movie cheers and applause stephen thats it for the r chappelles show, chappelles show chappelles show chappelles show chappelles show ow whoohoohoo whoohoo yeah, yeah. [. ] lets start the show. [. ] man dave chappelle, come on down. Youre the next black comedian to get his own show [the price is right theme playing. ] oh, my god, i did it. Hey, everybody, whats up . [laughing] welcome, welcome, everybody, to chappelles show. As you see, i am dizzle. [laughter] you know, ive been watching the news and reading the papers. And ive been seeing that theres been a lot of, like, scandalous behavior. Like, these, uh, these major corporations, they rip everybody off. The enrons and tycos and all this stuff. They dont be gettin no time. They dont get no time in jail. I gotta get in on this being white thing. [laughter] its like theres two legal systems, damn near. Itd be better if they just for, like, maybe three days, if like. They actually put those guys through the legal system that we all have to go through. And then they put, like, crack dealers and [beep] through the legal system that they go through. Wouldnt that be something . Well, tonight, we have a very special episode of law order. [laughter] i hope you enjoy it. [law order sound effect] [classical music playing. ] how was work today, charles . Oh, sameold, sameold. Accountings complaining about us misleading the stockholders and blowing the employee pensions. What a bunch of babies. I mean, come on, this is business, people, right . And speaking of business, yeah. [growls] satchco, take a powder. And you [screams]