Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140123 : vimarsana.

Apple store. They can get it fixed for free if they dont tell apple it got wet. laughter this is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, everybody good to have you with us audience chanting stephen why not . Are you up for it . Ill do it i might as well do the show. You ready to do the show, everybody . cheers and applause i like it. Yes. Nation, nation, here in new york city we are just digging out from the massive polear norsnowster of the last 24 hours. We got 11 inches of snow and thats in freezing cold weather because, normally, its like 15 inches. laughter but ill tell you who i am most worried about with this storm space. laughter it probably got hit extra hard because its closer to the sky. laughter but this storm is not the biggest news in spice today. Jim, you are go for footage nasa Officials Say something very mysterious has happened on mars. Like nothing they have ever before seen. Take a look at this. Notice you knoll notice a big difference in these two pictures. This is two different pictures taken of the same area. You can see the markings on the martian surface there. Then theres this thing. A rock has appeared. Nasa Scientists Say its about the science of a jelly doughnut and looks like a jelly doughnut as well. Stephen mars has doughnuts. laughter finally, weve wait sod long for this. We have finally found a habitable planet. Call off the search for water and start looking for a lake of coolatta. laughter nation, this is the greatest space discovery since galileo found the milky way. laughter according to nasa, this object is very high in sulfur and magnesium so its just as nutritious as dunkin. laughter folks, this myspace. Com tri or spacetry, is great news for nasa because its hard to find people willing to sit in a tin can for six months to get to mars but we know people will wait any amount of time for a cronut laughter now, of course, not everyone out there applause . People love science. laughter of course, not everyone can accept the ample evidence that mars is covered in doughnuts. The mars rovers lead scientist is baffled saying its like nothing weve ever seen. I dont know what any of this means. Were completely confused. laughter i dont see why. I mean, clearly we found life on mars and the aliens are doughnuts. laughter thats why after you have a stomach full of them you feel like this. Kill me laughter stephen and the martians must be upset about how many of them weve eaten. So before they strike back, i think someone needs to broker a peace between these two planets so i have volunteered. On my way to work this morning i picked up a martian. laughter . cheers and applause greetings laughter i am an earthling. We mean you know no harm. Hold on, ive got some alien spore on my fingers. laughter cheers and applause stephen well, that did not go as well as i had hoped. laughter i hope that alien doesnt upset my gluten allergy. laughter nation, theres an old saying opinions are like demo tapes, i dont want to hear yours. laughter this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause nation, i know its 2014 but i still worry about nuclear war. Im beginning to be afraid that we might not have one. laughter ive been drinking my own urine for nothing. laughter ill tell you whos not bolstering my confidence that armageddon is coming the clowns who run our nuclear program. 34 officers in charge of our Nuclear Arsenal said to be involved in a scheme to cheat on a proficiency exam. Theyve been removed from their command and its raising new questions about the people with their fingers on the button. Stephen how do you cheat at Nuclear Weapons . Do you write push red button on the back of your hand . Folks, im giving a wag of my finger to the air force for removing these officers from duty. Here me out. Sure, our nuke operators were sending each other Text Messages to cheat on routine proficiency tests. But what do you expect . Its not like they can copy off the chinese kid hes the one theyre supposed to be nuking laughter besides, if you think about it, cheating is such a minor offense when you consider they were actually being investigated for drug abuse. It started with a probe into illegal drug possession. At least ten officers at six different bases in the u. S. And britain are suspected of possession of synthetic marijuana and ecstasy. Stephen folks, its obvious that our Nuclear Launch crews are bored. laughter theyre supposed to be on high alert at all times for something they know will never happen theyre like a High School French horn player with a condom in his pocket. laughter give it up, teddy give it up. applause only thing youre going to be fondling is your spit valve. Folks, our nuke crews clearly need a sense of purpose. Cant we just let them launch one . I say we pick a country at random and let her rip. Do we really need madagascar at this point . I mean, weve got the movies laughter next up, nation, were all shocked by the tragic shooting at a tampa Movie Theater where a retired Police Officer shot a man who was texting on a phone. Its a senseless tragedy. And you know what they say . The only way to fight senseless is with senseless. Luckily, fox news dr. Keith ablows middle name is senseless. We may have to look at something ill call data rage. Just like road rage. We know that when people interact with machines that sometimes they feel emboldened to do things that they never would. They may be impulsive to begin with or explosive. Add in technology or a machine and things can go over the top and become very violent. Stephen exactly. This tampa Movie Theater tragedy was a textbook case of the thing keith ablow just yanked out of his ass. laughter data rage. This may have been a normal argument but there was a disastrous and dangerous machine involved. No, jimmy, i said a dangerous machine. Thank you. laughter okay, so i am giving a tip of the hat to dr. Keith ablow for pointing out that Technology Leads to violence. I know every time i see him on a television i want to kill someone. laughter cheers and applause laughter finally, its almost time for the annual Westminster Dog Show. Im so excited i had to change the carpet several times. laughter unfortunately, the dog show has been a very bad boy. A new breed of dogs is taking over Westminster Dog Show mutts. The premier u. S. Canine event is allowing mixed breed competitors. Theyll be included in its new agility trial. This is the first time dogs of mixed breed have been at westminster in its 138year history. Stephen mutts invading westminster . Folks, this is a slippery slope today its mutts, tomorrow its a finish spitz whose coat goes beyond deep auburn to brown next thing you know, a guy can marry a box turtle. laughter oh, its coming applause for instance, shelley here. laughter so applause . A wag of the finger, westminster i am just grateful that shasta, my childhood Welsh Springer spaniel, isnt around to see this. His great grandparents didnt sit in a crate across the ocean so their descendants would have to share a course with some portuguese chorkie. You know how you get a chorkie, right . You cross a yorkie with a chimp. audience reacts i only pray that word of this does not reach shasta at that farm upstate my parents sent him to. laughter hes had 25 great years up there. Im going to visit you soon, buddy. audience reacts now, this years agility competition will be full of street tramps like alfie, an athletic charming sevenyearold poodle terrier who was bought for 99 at a pet store. No surprise. I know im not supposed to say this but the mutts are very athletic. audience reacts you know what they say . You know what they say . Pure breads cant jump. But that has not changed the fact that the las knees weimer doodles of the world are genetically inferior. Thats not my opinion, thats science. Im a trained veterinary phrenologist. Just look at this miscreant. audience reacts right here. You can feel right there, you can feel right there on the skull theres some nodules. His oversized individual a clear evidence of a criminal mind. Whos an inferior canine . You are you are audience reacts you want a little martian . laughter cheers and applause so, folks, enjoy this years westminster farce which, if you ask me, became inevitable once they started accepting breeds less pure than wolf. Well be right back. cheers and cheers and applause . Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, nation, you know me i always live my life to the fullest. I never waste a single precious moment explaining myself or explaining the way i take advantage of all the moments and dont waste any of them with explanations. laughter none. The moments, i mean. laughter not gonna do it. But every once in a while even i need to remember to make sure my lifestyles are cranked to locoturbomax. Thats why i was i was so excited to see this. My name is frederick and i work with tikker, the wristwatch that counts down your life. audience reacts i would like to talk to you about the day you are going to die. Stephen sounds fun. Go on for all of us, life comes with a bestbefore date and one day well find ourselves at the end of the line. Thats why weve created tikker, the death watch that counts down your life. Just so you can make every second count. Stephen yes, tikker, the watch that constantly reminds you youre gonna die. Its a great gift for the whole family because, dont forget, theyre gonna die, too. Ive got to say, i was surprised to see obama at your funeral, by the way. laughter i guess he just wanted to make sure the death panel finished the job. audience reacts folks, tikker isnt just a way to digitally pinpoint the inevitable moment when you were devoured by the wolf of oblivion. Its also a reminder to have some fun all we have to do is learn how to cherish the time and the life that we have been given. To honor it. Suck the marrow from it. Seize the day and follow our hearts and the best way to do this is to realize that seconds, days, and years are passing never to come again laughter . Stephen whispering not yet folks, im sure youre asking, how can a watch know when youre going to die . Its not an old gypsy woman who lives in the woods. I brought you a lock of his hair esmeralda why isnt jimmy fallon aging faster . applause heres how it works. Folks, heres how it works. You simply fill out a questionnaire about your health habits, risk factors and age then tikker will generate the time down to the second that you have left. audience reacts so if youre 30 with a history of serious drug abuse, you may only have 40 more years to live. laughter in fact, im wearing a tikker right now so im all set. Time to seize the day by celebrating my birthday a little bit early cheers and applause lets see exactly how much time ive got left. gasps laughter audience reacts and many more well be right back. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight says our habits control our behavior. Heres the part where i run over there. Please welcome charles duhigg. cheers and applause . Stephen hey, charles, thanks so much for coming on. Nice to meet you. Youre the Pulitzer Prize winning author, you write for the New York Times. Youre a business Investigative Reporter but you also got this book called the power of habit why we do what we do in life and in business. Its out in paper back now. 62 weeks on the bestseller list. Did people still want to buy it or is it a force of habit . Its absolute habit. Stephen we dont need to talk about it. Well just keep going. Every habit has three parts, theres a cue, which is a trigger. Then the behavior itself then finally a reward. Stephen ill give you an example so for instance when you back your car out of the driveway youre probably to think about other things. Stephen i close my eyes and gun it. laughs thats because some part of your brain is anticipating the sense of relief youll have when your car actually makes it into the streets. Stephen oh and even if youre not aware of that, that develops a neurological habit that you can take advantage of, close your eyes or think about changing the Radio Station or talk to your kids. Habits stephen so ive i get a pleasure response when ive achieved this task . Absolutely. And you anticipate that task. There was a study that was done that said about 40 to 45 of everything we do everyday is a habit. You might not be aware of most of them. Stephen those kind of habits, isnt that like an addiction . Dont you need a higher and higher dose every time . laughs . Stephen shouldnt i get a longer and longer driveway . laughter absolutely. Stephen or back out of my driveway on heroin . That might do the trick. Stephen so 40 to 45 of what the average person tkphuz a day is out of habit, were not thinking about what were doing . This is amazing because it lets your brain evolutionarily this has allowed us to succeed. Our brain can take patterns and make them automatic which means we have time to invent fire or spears or video games or Something Like that. Very similar to those three. Absolutely. If you didnt form habits we would be in trouble everyday. The trouble is often times your brain is bad at choosing habits. You like to eat doughnuts or cookies habitually. Stephen cookies are wonderful. Unless youre trying to lose some weight. And the problem is that when we try and structure our brain in certain ways so that we dont develop bad habits, we tend not to Pay Attention to these cues and these rewards. This is the real insight is that if you understand whats triggering the behavior and what reward its delivering to you then you get this control over shaping that habit. Stephen whats triggering my behavior with a cookie is that cookies are fantastic. laughs . Stephen right . Theyre delicious. I had a cookie habit myself and id call these fancy psychologists and at the end of the conversation id say i have a friend with a bad cookie habit. And what they said is whats the reward . I said a cookie. They said no, rewards are more complicated like that. A cookie is 12 or 13 rewards in one bundle. Stephen oh, yeah, because oatmeal chocolate chip is warm and gooey and the milk if you keep the refrigerator really low, that spike of fresh cold around the cookie. Do you want a cookie right now . I kind of do want a cookie right now. So are you eating the cookie because youre hungry . Which case you could have an apple which would work just as well. Stephen shut up laughs . Stephen shut up sorry stephen you seem like a lot of fun. Here kids, happy halloween. Heres your apple laughs or maybe you need a burst of energy and the sugar gives you the energy, which means you could have a cup of coffee. That would do just as well and you can replace that cookie habit with a coffee habit. In my case it turned out when i was going up to the cafeteria to get a cookie thats when i saw my friends from the New York Times and we would talk and gossip. The socialization was the reward driving the habit. Stephen so you didnt even know that was what was driving i had no idea. Stephen i dont like this theory and ill tell you what. Im sure its a great book and everyone should buy it, but every moment of my life is a moment of clarity and choice. Im not one of the mindless jellyfish being pulled along in the tide of human affairs. I wake up in the morning. I say to my heart continue beating. laughter every moment of my life is a choice because god gave me free will. It sounds like antifree will. But you know were determinist nature to what youre saying. Youre an exceptional human being. Unfortunately, the rest of us have to live in the real world. cheers and applause . Stephen okay, all right. Is it these habits, theyre good habits and bad habit, right . Absolutely. And you decide whether theyre good or bad. To your brain they seem the same. It seems like a way to save energy. I know i like the thing, i know theres the trigger for it, ill make it an automatic pattern. Stephen there an evolutionary component to this . Absolutely. Stephen then why do we have any patterns or habits that our that are bad for us . Why didnt we just evolve to only like things that are good for us . Well, its interesting, right . Because take cookies, for instance. Cookies are good for us in a lot of ways, right . Stephen they make us happy. They make us happy. In a state of nature they would give us calories and energy. For me its a tool for socializing with my friends. Stephen again, i dont buy that, but go ahead. laughs . Stephen that sounds like thats like a really great justification to stay on your diet. What i really want is friends. Friends with chocolate chips. Well, charles, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you cheers and applause . Stephen charles duhigg, the power of habit. L be ll be cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good nigh captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org test. This clip from south beach blew up on world star hiphop amassing a 1 million views in 24 hours, in the clip our hero bernice trying to repossess a car but having a little bit of trouble. Lets take a look. I dontcare. Im backing up. You aint going nowhere. Which one is left