Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140211 : vimarsana.

Thank you so much. Welcome to the report. Good to you have with us facial, have you been watching the news, you know that the sochi Olympic Games are in full swing and everybody has got olympic fever. Although it might just be the poisonus hotel water. Now i spent all weekend watching figure skating. I love all the moves, the triple salchow, the double axle, the shoeless joe jackson, all of them. Friday, my friend, Vladimir Putins games kicked off with a stunning opening ceremony, it went through all of russian history including the giant cat invasion. I got to say, i only had one criticism. You do the history of russia and no giant inflatable reagan knocking down a berlin wall. Come on. But no surprise, folks. The Mainstream Media had to find the problem. The most glaring snafu came during the showcase moment of the opening ceremony, those five descending snow flakes were supposed it to meld into olympic rings. But the fifth one on the right malfunctioned. Stephen no, it did not malfunction. It is just that the ioc is so litigious that even the olympics are not allowed to show the olympic logo. laughter and check your facts applause stephen check your facts, everybody, thats a fact. In writing. These spoiled journalists need to quit talking about the u. S. Bobsledder who got stuck in the Hotel Bathroom and had to break through the door. Okay, thats just bonus strength training. laughter now our guys will be prepared to bust through any doors on the bobsled track. laughter all olympics have last minute construction issues. On the plus side, this years biathelon combined crosscountry skiing with hanging drywall. Thats a first. laughter but nation, you know, its not only the media attacking these Olympic Games. Theyre also under threat from extremist terror group the gays. laughter now last year president putin took a hard line against this threat by banning all gay propaganda. Protestors can now face jail time promoting anything pro gay from a pride flag to a reclaimed barn wood coffee table. laughter big surprise, the gays arent taking this lying down, or maybe they are, i dont know. Its not my scene. laughter now, now they are threatening to ruin the sochi games. Gay rights protestors rallied in 20 cities against russias antigay law, they want olympic sponsors to speak out against russia laws that restrict gay rights activity. New york, you had a number of gay act vises protesting outside the russian consulate up set with the antigay laws in russia and they poured a red liquid titled vampire blood to make their point. Stephen unfortunately no one could tell what that point was. laughter something about true blood being cancelled . I dont laughter anyway, in support of algayda president obama named three openly gay athletes to lead our olympic delegation which the Human Rights Campaign gloated was a finger in the eye of russian president vladimir putin, a finger in the eye. Or as lesbians call it, scissoring. laughter of course, oh yeah, oh no, its ugly business. Of course, four years ago i saved the winter games when i sponsored the u. S. Speed skating team and did a week of shows from vancouver. Well, nation, i am going back to the olympics. cheers and applause is something i would say if they werent in russia. laughter i cant do that. I cant do that. I cant learn russian. It was hard enough learning canadian. I mean, toreonto. Toreonto. Its a tonal language. I just cant master it. But folks, i do know one man who can cover this gay threat like no one else, please welcome my old friend and long time colbert report producer, buddy cole. Buddy, great to have you here. cheers and applause stephen good to see you, my friend. Great to be here, stephen. Stephen now buddy, folks, for those that dont know, buddy and i go way back. We met at theatre camp where he had an almost amazing gaydar. If you were gay, buddy would smoke you out. Its true. I covered uncovered every single gay man in camp, well, except for one. Stephen well, youll get him one day. I certainly hope so. Stephen now buddy, i need you to go to russia to investigate the gay threat to the games. Are you up for it . Yes, sir. You say gay and athletes, and im there. Stephen good man, but here is the thing, these antigay propaganda laws are so vague. Just please dont do anything that could make the Russian Police mistake you for a gay guy. You dont have to worry about me, stephen. I recently learned all about how to stay safe in russia. From u. S. Ambassador to the organization for security and cooperation in europe, dan baer, jim . Stephen actually, buddy, im the only one that can say jim. Okay. Stephen . Stephen jim. laughter within the colbert report presents a report exclusive from russia with love. No gay stuff. Double o 14. With me, buddy cole. Before heading to sochi, i needed to learn about russias antigay laws. So i sat down with ambassador daniel baer of the organization for security and cooperation in europe. Its a pleasure to meet you. Dan baer. Very nice to meet you. You can call me buddy cole. You can call me dan. Oh, thats wonderful because those happen to be our names. Thats true. So dan, what are your responsibilities as an ambassador . Well, we work to advance u. S. Foreign policy in my case, at the ioc to bring the vision of a europe where everybody has their human rights respected to reality. So you are one of only five openly gay ambassadors. Do your parents know . My parents do know. And how did they take it when they found out that you work for the government . My mom has been very supportive of my career for the government. Even though being an ambassador is a choice. It is, yes. So as an ambassador are you above the law . No, i done consider myself to be above the law, no. Could you just like hit someone with your car and just walk away scotfree . No. Isnt that what ambassadors do . You know, diplomatic immunity just trying to figure out, whats the point. Oh, do you have a sword . I dont have a sword. A cape . I dont have a cape. Do they call you your excellency. They do from time to time. Oh, okay, finally so, there are some perks. There are certainly some perks. So as an expert, what is the russian antigay legislation. Well, the socalled gay propaganda law bans makes it illegal to talk about nontraditional sexual relationships in a way that would either make them seem good or equal to other relationships. So what about if your gay relationships werent eck what you will to straight relationships . Well, i think the question is not a question about one particular relationship or another but all people should have the right to have terrible relationships. You know. We should all be free to be trapped in loveless marriages. Hopefully were not but i think whether you are gay or straight shouldnt determine whether you are. So this law means that if i wear lets say a rainbow tshirt, that could get me arrested . Well, i think it could because it is such a vague law. But seriously, dan, dont you think wearing a rainbow shirt should get you arrested. I mean why not just go out dressed as a uni did corn, if you cant decide on a color wear black or nothing at all, or just dont go out. What people wear is one of the ways that they express themselves. So in other words, not too many sglirps. How many zippers on an outfit could one have without appearing too gay. I think its important not to overthink this. Buttons, are buttons gayer than zippers . You know, ive never had an opinion on that. I was told that in order for me to be safe i should go all velcro, just so it has that macho sound when you undo your pants. Ill make a note of that. So you believe the people should be allowed to wear what they want. I do. Oh. Thats interesting. Youre out on a limb there, dan. Hopefully its not a very long one. I hope its a very thick one. Let me clarify, will the olympics be safe for me . I could care less about the lat veyan luge team, i mean theyre lugers, right . You know, i think as with all large sporting events, were encouraging everybody to be a tentive and make good decisions about their personal safety. I wouldnt want to run a foum of these laws. Ive been practicing some basic phrases to help me out of trouble. Can you point me to the nearest hardware store. What do you think about that one. I think depending on the context, people might be confused. Women, am i right . Who needs them, except for their vaginas . Is that i think that would probably get you in trouble with a lot of people. Vaginas, can i have two of them can i have one in each color. How about that . You know, i think the best advice is to just be yourself. Okay. What do you say, dan, do i have official clearance to enter sochi . Well, obviously, the official clearance will come from the russian government because you have to get a visa. That seems like a lot of work. I think its worth doing. Okay, well, thank you, sir. I promise that i wont let america down. Have a good trip, and be safe. Well, i learned a lot. And im sure ill remember some of it. So im ready for russia but is russia ready for me . applause stephen buddy cole, everybody. Cheers laws thank you, buddy. Wel [paintball noises] the annual company retreat. Planned, as usual, by this guy. Nature lover. People person. And you put up with it all. Because he also booked you a room. At this place. Planet earths number one accomodation site booking. Com booking. Yeah [ speaking russian ] i have no idea what youre saying, but count me in peanut m ms for everyone [ laughter ] wait. What . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back, folks. Nation, i have just gotten word right here,there are is breaking news, breaking news right now out of, and i hope im pronouncing this correctly, afghanystan, i dont know, can we have somebody check on the pronouncement oh [bleep] afghanistan, right, were at war there. Its always the last country you think of. Anyway what are they up to now . Taliban says they have captured what they say is a Coalition Forces military spy dog in eastern afghanistan. The media wing of the taliban released this video which shows taliban members holding a brown dog with a vest on a leash. Stephen those sons of bitches kidnapped a son of a bitch. I mean for petes sake who holds a dog hostage. Were you guys sitting around in your cave thinking you know what, people dont think were big off ass [bleep] lets kidnap a dog. And folks, really, what are you going to do . applause what are you going to do now, make him talk by putting Peanut Butter on the roof of his mouth . If you had any brains at all you would have kidnapped the cat. Nobody would have cared. Not even the cat. laughter even worse, according to the latest reports, the dog is fit and healthy and being fed a diet of chicken and beef can babs. What . No people food, now hes going to beg at the table. Well, taliban, heres where you screwed the pooch. By the way, do not screw that pooch. laughter until this moment, until this moment, you were about to get rid of us. More than 60,000 of our troops have already come home from afghanistan. Together with our allies we will complete our mission there by the end of this year. And americas longest war will finally be over. Stephen not any more. Thanks to you now not only are we not leaving but the entire world will join us gladly because Everybody Loves dogs. Theyre the pizza of the animal kingdom. And it wont just be the military this time. Youre going to have to deal with an even more relentless adversary, sarah mclachlan. Oh way, oh way. applause you stepped in it now, my friend. You think war is hell . Just wait until theyre playing that arms of the angels commercial on every tv station in afghanistan. Once you get that thing stuck in your head, youll be praying for a drone strike. laughter well be so tell me about your relationship. Well, were Peanut Butter and chocolate. Were perfect together. Nut but choco. Dont do that. He says when somethings good, why change it . Exactly. Exactly. What if you were to try Something Different . [ chocolate laughs ] yes, its mr. Butterfinger [ laughter ] im sorry. What are we doing here . Ooh [ male announcer ] its a whole new way to love Peanut Butter chocolate. Smooth and crunchy butterfinger Peanut Butter cups. Oh man lets go the other way. Um, im good. [ male announcer ] nestle. Good food. Good life. Um, im good. Guy 1 im glad i got it while its still around. With 30 ingredients to choose from, you cant go wrong. Guy 2 yeah, ive never had a combo like this. Guy 1 like i always say, youve got to try something new. Guy 2 try something new . Youve had the same haircut since seventh grade. Waitress hey, welcome to dennys. So i get invited to quite a few family gatherings. Heck, i saved judith here a fortune with discounts like safe driver, multicar, paperless. You make a mighty fine missus, mlady. Im not saying marks thrifty. Lets just say, i saved him 519, and it certainly didnt go toward that ring. Am i right . [ laughs ] [ dance music playing ] so visit progressive. Com today. I call this one the robox. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a former congressman who now leads an antimarijuana lobbying group. Bet you get a lot more down in the pro marijuana group. Please welcome patrick kennedy. cheers and applause mr. Kennedy, thanks for coming on. All right, lets get the old obviously Everybody Knows the family name but you served 16 years in the house in Rhode Islands first district. You were coauthor and lead sponsor of the Mental Health parity and a gixs equality act. Now leading project sam what is sam. I came to this because i was a sponsor of this Mental Health bill that said the brain was part of the body. That was a big piece of legislation you just cited that i sponsored. Stephen the brain is part of the body then why do women want to know if we want them for their body or their brain . laughter cant have both, cant have it both ways. Anyway go ahead, go ahead. So just like women are discriminated against because if they have a baby they are higher costs, you know, we were trying to make sure that you couldnt discriminate against the brain and Mental Illness which Insurance Companies traditionally do. They impose higher costs on you as a consumer if you have a brain illness. But if you have diabetes or asthma or cardiovascular disease, they dont charge you more or discriminate against you more. Even though you might be a very costly health patient. Stephen but if your brain illness is bad enough, you dont know youre being discriminated against. laughter doesnt it all come out in the wash, there, pat . Thats true. You know what, that is why it was so difficult to get the bill passed because unlike cancer advocates, they all show up when you have a cancer bill. Mental Health Advocates dont like to put their hand up and say they have a Mental Illness because of the tig ma against the illness. Stephen now you have a new axe to grind here. Youre opposed to marijuana legallization. Okay. Youre a young, popular democrat. Why are you admiral buzz shackler on this one. Im with you, an i tell you why in a secretary. I agree with you and i also disagree with you for two different reasons. But first, make your case to america right now, why should we not legalize pot. Because its happened in colorado is doing it, Washington State is doing it, 20 states have legal medical marijuana. Well, i am a good liberal democrat. And i dont like big business. And so this is the big business of addiction. Because marijuana is now moved from the hemp shirts to the briefcases. Theyre trying to sell this new big business just like big tobacco and big liquor on the notion that they can make a profit off of people like me who are addicts because thats where their money is. Their money is in people like me who like to use more than is really acceptable. Stephen okay, that is the one that is the one, that is the one part of this that i do like. Because as an investor, i just found out there is this whole enormous market called pot that has been making billions of dollars off book for years. Now i can put my money in Colorado Companies that are getting the stankiest bud possible, okay, and i can make a butt load of cash, why shouldnt i do that. That is the big thing about this new industry. Theyre going to advertise. So you get free when you get your lift ticket you get free joints when you go. Stephen is that happening. Yeah, thats really. Stephen the party is happening. And you know, you can get the brownies and cookies all thc. You can get sodas with thc. But most people think legallization is allowing me to smoke marijuana on the weekends. Its to you being able to sell products with thc in it. Stephen now i want it to be here is the thing. If you get arrested you go to jail, okay. You are for decriminalization. Im for keeping it illegal but for alternative sentencing. I think people should pay fines. I think they should get treatment if they need it. And that is why i passed the Mental Health parity and mental addiction. I think there should be a checkup from the neck up. Stephen so instead of going to jail, you go to rehab. So, well, rehabs are going to love this. Stephen i should invest in rehabs. You should invest in rehab because the biggest new admission now, and it surpasses cocaine and alcohol and meth am fit means is marijuana, believe it or not. Stephen really. Invest in that and invest in marijuana, will you make out in both respects, yes. Stephen do you smoke pot, you dont do Substance Abuse any more. Did you smoke pot. The kind of marijuana that is available today was available back when i was trying it, i could have eaten it because its these edibles that because hi asthma, i moved on to other things to get high. I didnt smoke. Stephen wait a second, wait a second. So if pot is illegal then maybe would you have stopped with pot. I might have stopped with pot but then i wouldnt have finally realized that i had a problem because marijuana would have kept me on the slow train to nowhere a lot longer than cocaine or alcohol. Where its pretty hard after a while to ignore the fact that you have an addiction. But marijuana, you can smoke it for a long time and still be in denial,. You know, my denial was tough to break. I was arrested for several times. It was humiliated but with marijuana i probably would have been able to get away with it a a lot longer that i did. Stephen i told you there were two things that worry me. The other is that if we make marijuana legal is might it might cut into xanax sales because park suit calls, those things have got a sweet little edge to them. Should we make pharmaceuticals illegal as well . Because they are highly addictive. Well, its likes oxycontin which i was addicted to. Stephen was it lovely. Yeah, it felt really good. And you know what, thats now permissive. Thats the problem with making marijuana legal is it a permissive im, saying oh, its medicine, i will take t i will feel better. And i really worry about the future of our country. And with the anxiety level of our young people, the stress of our kids, were just adding Something Else that may in the short run make them feel better but in the long run is going to really cost them and cost our country. Stephen patrick, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you. Stephen patrick kennedy. Project sam, we where you think youre gonna go when your times all gone . [ male announcer ] live a full life. The new lexus ct hybrid with an epa estimated 42 mpg. The further you go, the more interesting it gets. This is the pursuit of perfection. The further you go, yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe,. Watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. Phone your account is already paid in full. Oh, well in that case, back to vacation mode. Boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants. Voiceenabled bill pay. Just a tap away on the geico app. Huh, 15 minutes could save you 15 or more on car insurance. Yup, Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know that some owls arent that wise. Dont forget about im having brunch with meagan tomorrow. Who . Seriously, you met her like three times. Who . Geico. Choose two meltinyour mouth entrees, Olive Gardens best 2 for 25 yet is ending soon like new parmesan crusted chicken, 3 courses, 2 people, just 25 at olive garden also enjoy weekday signature favorites, four classic pastas, now just 10 . Stephen thats it for report, everybody. Join us tomorrow night when buddy cole sits down with the u. S. Speed skating team the u. S. Speed skating team and teaches them eve dee i dont know. What do you think . Its kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs. You know what . Why dont you go grab five more . Look, we dont normally do this, but i think im going to need some proof that youre actually getting married. What . Why . Because youve been coming in here and trying on wedding dresses every saturday for over a year now. Yeah, thats cause it takes a really long time to plan a wedding. Dont get up all over my balls, lucy, just go get the dresses. When is the wedding . Soon. Where . A church. Which one . The nearby one. The nearby one . The. Right down the street. Which street . Spring. Whats your fiances name . Sam