Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140227 : vimarsana.

Ukraine, in thailand, and venezuela. I will get to all of those stories, as soon as i discuss this breaking news from the Huffington Post. Was your kid hitler in a past life . Its the kind of huffpo feature that leads to the question, will journalism exist in the future life . I have never believed in reincarnation. I dont know why. Maybe i was a skeptic in a past life. But this article offers incontrovertible antidote that your child may have had a past life, such is the story of a sixyearold boy who was able to translate the words of adolf hitler, even though none of his relatives knew german. Incredible. Even more incredible that his relatives who didnt speak german were able to tell he was translating correctly. Laugh but, folks, just because this kids parents be heave hitler in a past life, doesnt mean you should give up hope for your child. Consider this hitler of an artist. Has your child ever colored with crayons . laughter does he sometimes have trouble getting along with others . Idoes he blame his early bedtime on a global jewish conspiracy . If so, if so i want to be clear about this if so,im not saying your child is hitler. I am saying he might have been hitler. laughter of course, there are a lot of people your kids could have been, other than the most hated man of the 20th century. The article points to other signs of reincarnation to look for, such as adultlike behavior, night terrors, and morbid drawings that recall their previous incarnation with really morbid and bloody drawings. For instance, my childhood drawings are how i learned in a past life i once defeated godzilla by shooting flames out of my butt. laughter now, of course, you might be asking, stephen, is there any chance that there are factual errors in this article about how my child might be a reincarnated genocidal maniac . Yes, greg. And i applaud the Huffington Post for having the journalistic integrity to print this correction. An earlier version of this story spelled adolph hitlers first name as adolf. Phew smelled with an f. Thank god they cleared that up. There are a lot of relieved parents out there whove just learned their kid might not be adolph hitler. He might be adolf hitler. Slightly nicer guy. laughter whichever adolf hitler your young child is, we have no chance of stopping him now, thanks to the gutting of our armed forces by secretary of defense chuck hussein hagel. New concerns about americas military readiness. The administration decided to slash americas military, raising Major Concerns about u. S. National security. Growing outrage over the administrations proposal to cut our military to levels that have not been seen since world war ii. Devastating cuts to our military. Could this move by the Obama Administration now put your security at risk . Stephen nation, i am terrified. I hope that budget includes funding for new pants because mine just had a dishonorable discharge. laughter how is america going to defend itself after these cuts . I mean, whats left of our budget, anything . Its important to note here that our military still has a budget bigger than the next 10 military budgets in the world combined. Stephen only 10 . laughter but what if we want to invade 11 countries . laughter of course were nowhere near that capacity now, folks be, because the cuts in this budget are explicitly a rejection of the previous fight two wars at once doctrine. Hagel has evidently forgotten the hard lessons we learned from fighting tojo and your son. Hey, hey, folks. cheers and applause and, hey, im all in favor of a lower budget, but isnt there Something Else we can cut . This our readiness and National Security is all being sacrificed if you will on the altar of entitlement. These are the kind of cuts you have to make when youre not willing to reign in entitlements. When you look at the amount of money we spend on confidence its an eye opener. As you can see, back in 1990 just for point of reference, about 25 years ago, 300 billion was spent on defense. And about 568 billion was spent on entitlements. Fast forward to 2010. About 700 billion on the defense of this nation. While close to tril 2 hundred rather, one thats a hard number to read right there. Stephen okay, okay, i think i know whats wrong here. Jim, put the chart back up. The first year should read, 1990, not 2008. Defense spending should be blue and entitleiments should be red. And steve doocy should not be on television. laughter applause cheers become line the pentagon will cut as many as 80,000 active duty troops, adding to an already terrible unemployment rate. Thankfully, congress is taking a stand, and that brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause . Jobsolete. Nation, there are those out there who say the only thing america manufacturers any more are easy cheez and people who think theyre allergic too gluten. laughter but, folks, they are wrong. We also make bombs. And good news, while the budget cuts jobs for soldiers, it spares most arms manufacturers which is why yesterday, shares of lockheed martin, northrop grumman, general dynamics, and raytheon all hit 52week highs. Finally, an answer to the question, war, god god yall. What is it good for applause creating jobs is what it is good for, folks. Creating good jobs americans can count on no matter how hard the military tries to end them. Congress wants to keep rubber stamping attention fleets. The u. S. Army has a message for Congress Thanks but no attentions. The price over the past two arizona has been almost half a million dollars, but the army says we dont need any more tanks. It keeps jobs in congressional districts with they are located. Stephen we have to protect the jobs. If the military doesnt need the tanks we will find a job for them. Just load up the baseballs and give them a real job in the batting cage. It will let skills honed go to waste, which i believe is radio shacks business model. These tanks are the only innovation from the vital useless sexer. Theres the c27j plane. Ohio senators fought to order 21 of these 50 million planes because 800 jobs at Mansfield Air force base depended on it. Then, the newly constructed fleet was shipped directly to an arizona bone yard. Arizona bone yard, by the way, also the way of tucsons premiere retirement home for swingers. laughter but it, folks, fraps no useless piece of military equipment has done more for the American Worker than the f35 fighter jets. At capitol hill 400 billion it is the most expensive weapons system in u. S. History, despite a few drawbacks. Headlines tell a story of years of clays, cost overruns, and problems with the jets. Right now, they still cant fly at night. Stephen which is fine, as long as al qaeda never stays up past their bedtime. laughter but, folks, the f35 program is too big to kill because it supports 133,000 jobs in 45 states. But if useless weapons employ so many americans, i say shouldnt we build more obsolete technol . I mean, lets reopen factories that manufacture blunderbusses or chariots, opener whats the name of those things on game of thrones that bash open doors . And why and why just useless things that already exist . We can create new things that nobody wants. I proposal a cutting edge weapons system, the fu435 employminator. laughter its part tank, part jet, part aircraft carrier, and all crap. laughter best of all best of all, folks applause is it costs a fortune, and it will take hundreds of thousands of people to build. But its better than wasting it on something foolish like food stamps because want only way to get americans back to work is to keep making things that dont. 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Get extra. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody, thai so much. Nation, i dont know about you, but it seems more and more these days in this fastpaced digital world, where skids are instagramming, its nice to know some patriots are fighting to hold on to a way of life you can actually hold on to. One such group is called consumers for paper options, and theyve been doing media outreach, polling, and lobbying members of congress to make a simply dont move away from paper so quickly. Yes, who scnt want to enkeep the joy of government paper work, the feeling of fulfill mitt ofment when you fill out the vs1723 for foreign birds. Personally, i think the bird took them. Hes foreign and yet speaks perfect english. Come on, polly wants some c4. And the consumers for paper opgs know their stuff because they were set up by the envelope moviers association. Thats the Envelope Manufacturers Association pushing the pushing the envelope since 1933. laughter sure, envelope manufacturers might profit from the government send, letters to every human in america. But that doesnt mean theyre wrong, folks. And, yet, the Treasury Department estimates that by shifting from paper to digital they would save 1 billion over the next 10 years, but then what are they going to print those 1 billion bills on . Paper. Where is your savings now . And where does this paperless menace end . First they take our paperwork. Whats next, our liquid paper . laughter pretty soon theyll come for our toilet paper, and i, for one, dont want to use Something Digital to clean my analog. laughter the point is applause cheers im not going to say that didnt deserve applause because it did. laughter the point is, theres nothing suspicious with this or the fact that my show is sponsored by the New Hampshire stamp moistening sponge association. Stamp moistening sponches for when you dont give a spit. And this has in no way influenced my objective, ongoing series, selfadhes ifs, the stamp of death. Folks, the selfadhesive stamp is a death trap. Kids mistake one for a real stamp, lick it, the adhesive sticks to the tongue. Suddenly the kid is choking to death on a forever stamp. For him, forever is only a precious few seconds. laughter but do your part to preserve traditional america by joining the movement to ban selfadhesive stamps. Write your congressman today. Actually, you know what, just email them. Email them. In 15 seconds, ibm watson can analyze 200 million pages of clinical data. To help researchers discover new effective treatments. Watson is helping researchers make breakthroughs. Lets build a smarter planet. Ibm watson can analyze terabytes of data. To help operators quickly find answers to a callers question. Soon, watson will help transform customer service. Lets build a smarter planet. 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Vincent, annie clark, right . Yeah. Stephen do you mind which one do you mind which one do you want . Call me annie. Stephen can i call you vinny . Police. Stephen youre a singer, songwriter, guitar player and you won the smithsonian American Ingenuity award for performing arts. cheers and applause . What do you get . What do do you get to cut in line at the air and space museum . What come with na . Yay, you know, it was an award they give out to i guess the brightest minds in a number of different fields, and i was in a room full of nobel prize winners. Stephen wow. Is that why you have einsteins hair now . laughter okay, all right. Now, st. Vincent, st. Vincent im always looking foricals in show business, are you catholic . Reformed catholic, maybe. Stephen come back in the water is fine. Are you from a big family. I have Four Brothers and four sisters and im right in the middle. Troubled child. How fast you can name them . I have 11 in my family. Really you want to go from top to bottom. Should we race. Stephen one, two, three. Jimmy, amy, mary, paul, peter, stephen. applause the album is called st. Vincent. Of its an incredible album. Heres the thing. Youre something of an art rocker if you dont mind the term can i enjoy your music or do i have to get it . I want to do the right thing. I do enjoy the music, but if theres something im not getting, i want to know if theres cliff notes or Something Like that. Of course, yeah, yeah. Stephen is this like are there concepts in here or can i snap my fingers and still be a band . I think ive always tried to live at the intersection between accessibility and lunatic fringe. Stephen accessibility and lunatic. Yeah. Stephen yeah. I think theres someplace in the middle is where i try to live and its the most interesting to me artistically. Stephen thats the corner of paxil and prozac. You delve into the themes of disconnectedness that one can feel during the modern digital age. Is that an accurate statement. I would say theres tech no shaminnism going on stephen again, i dont know. I feel dumb now. Do you feel disconducted . Well i think its interesting because we perform ourselves in a myriad of ways stephen what do you mean we perform ourselves . I mean, everything we do is sort of you know, youre wearing that suit, and i of and i have this hair and were sort of communicating things about owrlzs in this analog way but we now have this other realm, which is the digital realm, to recreate ourselves, create ideal versions of ourselves. Stephen over there is a digital camera so people are getting a digital version of me. Are you saying theres a me i present to the world that isnt my true me . I would never suggest that. Stephen annie, thank you so much for joining me. Well be right back with a performance by [ male announcer ] behold the original light beer. The inventor of great taste and less filling. The one that dared to say, maybe light beer should taste like beer. And for a limited time, miller lite is back in the original light can. Miller lite is back in the original light can. So you can get cash back on all your purchases. So you can use your cash back. To follow your dream. Soou. Casa t d. Chfrdo so u n. To manage your money. R guy around 2 percent thats not much, you think except its 2 percent every year. Go to e trade and find out how much our advice and guidance costs. Spoiler alert. Its low. Its guidance on your terms not ours. E trade. Less for us, more for you. On expedia you can book any flight, car and hotel together to save even more. Plus, get an extra 100 when you build your custom trip. Expedia, find yours. Here to perform a song off her new album st. Vincent, later, st. Vipsent. cheers and applause . Get back, to your seat get back, mashing teeth i wont bother your mind people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window digital witnesses whats the point of even sleeping . If i cant show it, you cant see me whats the point of doing anything . This is no time for confessing i wont bother your mind people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window digital witnesses whats the point of even sleeping if i cant show it, you cant see me watch me jump right off the London Bridge this is no time for confessing people turn the tv on and throw it out the window get back, to your stare i can but i dont care why . I want all of your mind give me all of your mind i want all of your mind give me all of it digital witnesses whats the point of even sleeping . If i cant show it, you cant see me whats the point of doing anything whats the point of even sleeping so i stop sleeping, yeah, i stop sleeping wont somebody sum it up to me cheers and applause stephen st. Vincent, everybody. Good night captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cartel. Dufresne. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon hey, welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. The program tonight will be exceptional. My guest tonight michio kaku. He is a theoretical quantum physicists post laying on the neurosciences. I will ask him to give me his lunch money. [ laughter ] lets begin in the ukraine. A barrier twixt between east and west, a thin borscht wall f you will show the russian influence, represented here by the crying bear, a classic icon of russian power and european influence represented by an bleep . [ laughter ] wh