Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140303 : vimarsana.

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central welcome to the report o everybody, good to you haves with. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Folks, if you have been watching the news like i v you know there is a big story this weekend. Thank you so much, folks. Folks, the Winter Olympics are finally over. Theyve handed out all the metals and all the whips. And the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the olympic flame to burn down sochi for the insurance money. Unfortunately, my friends on the u. S. Speed skating team 2014 has been a rocky road or as they call it, an unzambonied rink. They medaled in only one event and the team is covering their asses by blaming the thing that covered their asses. Evidently the teams new suit featured vents on the back of the suit designed to allow heat toes cape but allowed air to enter and create drag. Everybody knows clothing always creates drag. Which is why to get better mileage i always drive in the nude. cheers and applause stephen i put a little towel down. Folks, its not enough that we lost. Now the netherlands coach jillert, im going go with enema , has attacked our Speed Skating Team adding insult to injury and then adding [bleep] to both of those. Jim . Do you think that that was one of the reasons why the americans didnt do well, the suit. Yeah, the suit was one of the reasons but not because it was bad, but because they believe it is bad. Because the skating, you have to believe in yourself like american always do. American always believe that theyre right, always believe that theyre the best, yeah. Thats not true. Yeah, and you look at the rest of the world. They can stay inside, in your own country, you can make your own game, like american football, yeah. Do it your own, and think youre the best of the world. But no way, when you play soccer, man, youre just not half, when you come every four years you come to Olympic Stadium and you want to fight the rest of the world, then you know your place. Zero medals, zero mam, stay in your country, do your own sport. Dont compete with the rest of the world. And dont ask the question, why you didnt win medals. Because you didnt. Stephen actually, in fact, we did have one medal, right here. Cheers laws cheers and applause usa, usa, usa usa usa kick put that in your dike and plug it you know what i dont really speak a lot of dutch but i learned a little for the occasion. [bleep] you. I certainly hope im pronouncing that correctly. Who cares what the dutch think about anything. You people cant even decide on a name for your damn country. laughter which is it, is it holland s the netherlands, the low country, is it belgiums canada . Who knows, that is why i just call it what it, hitlers left turn lane. I, i will be amsterdammed if i ever let anything remotely dutch into my life again. No, im done with it, im done. Im taking this off. laughter no no more yes, yes. cheers and applause stephen yes, theyre comfortable and theyre stylish and theyre practical and available to anyone with two logs and a chisel. But not on my tootsies, not any more. But i will admit, i will admit one thing in your favor, you have, you have given the world some lovely tulips. laughter cheers and applause stephen and ill give you one hint where you can put your two lips. Now folks ive always said revenge is best served cold on razor sharp blades. You can help our speed skaters fight back against dutch arrogance by making a donation to colbert nation. Com, in return will you get this blade in the usa tshirt. Its soft. Its stylish and its just as aerodynamic as team usas uniforms. Remember, thats blade in the usa, although there is no label on this. So it is possible that this was blade in blangladesh. Now nation, unless are you living under a rock you probably heard about the massive uprising in the ukraine. And if you are living under a rock are you probably ousted ukrainian president viktor yanukovych. The fooferah all started after yanukovych rejected a deal with the e eu in favor of closer ties to russia bringing angry protestors to kievs independence square. And from there, things in ukraine got ukraykray. Jim . A country in turmoil after a week of deadly protests, ukraine has been the scene of horrible violence. The protestors say police had snipers firing at them. And that 100 people have been killed. Could russia send troops into ukraine . Whos in charge. Viktor yanukovych is nowhere to be found. It is no longer clear who is actually in control of that country. Folks, this sort of instability comes as no surprise to students of geo politics such as myself who have the ukraine without Massive Force is a foolser and. Too many borders just passes back and forth between east and west, until jamie knocks the board over. Oh, sure t was an accident, jamie, just when i was about to trade in my cards for 24 more armies. Oh [bleep] but now, now folks, no one knows where yanukovych is. But protestors raided his president ial compound to find a private golf course, a fleet of classic cars, and a private restaurant shaped like a pirate ship. laughter it even had a little place mat for the kids where you lead the countrys finances into the president s pocket. Folks, i got to say, this kind of president ial opulence infuriates me it makes the white house look like a dump. I was just there. All it has is a Bowling Alley and a stupid organic garden. I wish our state dinners took place in on a pirate ship. Then i wouldnt have been the only one who showed up with a parrot. laughter if im speaking of making america look bad, barak obama, this man does not understand what is at stake here. It underlines the tension between russia and the United States of late. That some believe harkens back to the cold war. The president said that this had nothing to do with the cold war. In the eyes of Vladimir Putin it does. He wants to restore the russian empire. Sad truth is putin considered by many to be a stronger leader than obama. Obama is more of a publicist for us weekly than a president. And when you put a Community Organizer up against an ekgb, this is what happens. Stephen yes, i think i speak for all freedom loving people when i say, why cant we be ruled by an ekgb officer . laughter stephen good point, greg. Obama is like a publicist for us weekly. Even worse, 73 of readers say putin wore it better. I ask you is this the man, is this the man we want to lead america in to a new cold war . Not looking that hot . I just wish Ronald Reagan were still alive to fix this mess. Here to tell me how to reanimate reagan is the editor of Foreign Affairs magazine, gideon rose. Mr. Rose, thank you so much for being here. cheers and applause theres the magazine, Foreign Affairs. Now, now gideon, help me out here. Weve got a battle. The ukraine, some of them want to go into the eu, the European Union and some of them want to stay with russia. If ukraine is not in europe right now what continent is it on . Well, its part of eurasia but part of Eastern Europe and the former soviet bloc. Its basically robin to russias batman. And the challenge here, the challenge here is to try to attract it to the west, to get it to flip sides. So the rebels in the streets what are they fighting for. Theyre fighting for a better future. Stephen that sounds leak a political speech, what really countries have to develop over time. And ukraine basically after the end of the soviet union faced two tracks, it could stay as a stagnant, corrupt, authoritarian country tied to russia or it could essentially join the west. It commod earnize, liberalize, become a democracy. At the last minute when it looked like it was going to trade up permits, abusive relationship with its boyfriend from the hood to a nice upie. Stephen youre not loading these choices in anyway whatsoever. Its actually truth. When it looked like it would trade up to a better environment, at the last minute putin offered a bribe. Stephen how much. 15 billion. Stephen thats a lot of cash. Thats a lot of cash. And the president without himself was tied to the old elite and eastern part of the country, decided to back off the change and go. Stephen do you know how many pirate themed restaurants you can buy with 15 billion. The problem was the western parts of the country and the younger parts of the country and more modern liberal parts of the country basically knew that they had no future being russias vassell so they took to the streets. Stephen is america taking sides in this in any way . If these people, the rebels winning now, right. Yes. Stephen why isnt obama spiking the ball and calling putin and saying you might have won the medal count but we won the country count, boitch. That is a good question. And the answer is we dont want rushtoto intervene and kick over the table like the game of risk and take ukraine back. Stephen cosend in troops. Co. Stephen does ukraine have any troops of their own would. They fight back. Yes. But we dont want this to escalate or russia to crack down. So we basically want to distract russia. Look, you have the highest medal count. Oh, did you really well laughter and talk about the olympics. Stephen here say shiny object, be entire country away from you. Basically. Stephen now there is a power vacuum. There is a power vacuum. The opposition is all together t is easy to a grow on getting rid of the bad old regime and much harder to cret a stable country in which everybody compromises and moves forward. Stephen but they need a strong leader to move the country forward, do you know who is always good at a moment like that . Vladimir putin. laughter do you think he might volunteer to come in and help ukraine. The reason we dont want put toin get involved in this. So we are basically, we want to try to involve him in the decision so that he allow its ukraine to go. We actually want to not we want a nonexclusive relationship with ukraine. You can have a relationship with him too. Stephen youre the only one making this into a girlfriend boyfriend relationship. Ukraine is basically choosing its future between two completely different course of action. Were trying to blur that choice so the old boyfriend doesnt get too up set when it makes the right choice towards us. Stephen well, thank you so much, gideon rose. cheers and applause Stephen Gideon rose, Foreign Affairs magazine. How do they pack so much juiciness into these starburst minis . They built a factory in miniminneapolis. Theyre experts at shrinking regular starburst. Everythings mini there. Wait, what . [ beeping, whirring ] [ female announcer ] starburst minis. Unexplainably juicy. But that grand slam looks so good. Girl mom, with 18 options to choose from, theres over 300 combos under 550 calories. Man kids a genius. Girl dad, it says it right here on the menu. Man oh. Woman hey, welcome to dennys. It still doesnt feel real. Our time together was. So short. Well, since you had progressives total loss coverage, we were able to replace your totaled bike with a brandnew one. The tank. The exhaust. Well, she looks just like roxie you know, ill bet shes in a better place now. Flo i know she is. I feel it in my heart. [ heavenly choir sings ] actually, the old roxies over at the junkyard. Flo kkhkkh getting you back on a brandnew bike. Now, thats progressive. When you can have digiorno . Delivery or digiorno . Delivery or digiorno . Digiorno. Now with a richer, more flavorful new sauce made with more herbs and spices. Digiornos rising crust pizza comes fresh from your oven and is now better than ever. Thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. Nestle. Good food, good life. My guest tonight is air recognize n roll hall of famer who star notice documentary 20 feet to stardom. Its been time somebody made a movie about restraining orders, please welcome darlene love. cheers and applause hey, star lean, good to see you, how are you. Im wonderful, how are you. Stephen the first time i saw you was the montclair film festival, for this movie, 20 feet from stardom. I tell you. Stephen its a documentsary, its oscar nominated. Youre one of the stars of it. Lets explain it to people here why. You are as i say a rock n roll hall of famer, gained prominent prompt flens in 1960s for backup artist for Elvis Presley, frank sinatra, aretha frank line, the beach boys, sam cook, the rightous brother, cher, war wick the mammas and papas. cheers and applause stephen now this is all about the lives, all of the lives as backup singers what is the difference between the skills it takes to be a backup singer and to be a lead singer. You have to have a good voice and you have to be able to sing first of all. Stephen all right, that seems to go for both. Most lead singers cant sing background and most background singers cant sing leads. You have to learn how to blend and most lead singers cant because theyre standing out front, really singing. So they cant blend with us in the background. Stephen background singers have to like sort of serve the needs of the song. Help them out. Stephen help them out. Okay. Now did you ever sit back there and go i can sing better than that person . A lot. Stephen who was your favorite person to sing backup for. Sam cook. Stephen . He was so sweet, he was so nice. He just oozed sex. Stephen he was a physically attractive man. Yes. He was fabulous. Stephen uhhuh. But he was such a great singer. He knew what wanted to do you know. He knew how to come over and excuse my pun but pull stuff out of you. Stephen all right. I dont understand the pun but it sounds sexy. Now who was the one who said hmmmm, i dont understand what that person is singing. My good friend sonny bono. Stephen really, nice guy though quite reasons nice guy, i used to tell him all the time when phil specter who was pie record producer would am could, he would say i want sony in this. I said phil were never going to fin think record if i dont move. Sony is either singing too loud or on the wrong key but that is the way phil was, he didnt care. A lot of people like that, in our business. Stephen phil specter produced a song of yours es he a rebel. Your first hit reasons right. Stephen and this is a proto typical girl falling for a bad boy because hes kind of bad. Right. Stephen what did you do to American Culture watch. Did you do to a generation of girls who were looking for bad boys. Well, you know what, it does help if they kind of bad. It makes it interesting. You never get bored. Stephen did you have any bad boys. laughter cheers and applause one or two. Stephen one or two. Okay. Stephen how much about africanamerican, soul or blues music did you learn from Elvis Presley . laughter i was getting ready to answer that before you said Elvis Presley. Stephen im sorry, tom jones. Tass even worse. Stephen darlene, would you please sing front for us, and have somebody else back up for you. I would love to. Well be right back with a well be right back with a performance by darlene love. Making moves that would put an adult in an emergency room. Yet all they really want to do is grow up. Its funny, everyone i know wishes they could go back and feel younger. Sound familiar . Then test drive one of these. Current nongm owners and lessees use your 1,500 allowance to lease the 2014 cadillac ats for around 359 a month with nothing due at signing. Transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. Before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an underserved season. And before he quit his friends leafraking business for not offering a 401k. Larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement. Thats why when the time came he counted on merrill edge to streamline his investing and help him plan for the road ahead. Thats the power of streamlined connections. Thats merrill edge and bank of america. Ladies and gentlemen, darlene love. Snoited the way you walk down the street the way shuffles his feet when he goes walking by hes my guy hold my head down hes not just one of the does the things he never does hes a rebel and hell never, ever be any good hes a rebel because he never does what he should just because he didnt do what everybody else does thats no reason why i cant give you all my love hes always good to me always treats me tenderly hes my rebel to me dont like him that way ill be standing by his side. Hes a rebel and hell never be any, any good just because he doesnt do what everybody else does snoets thats no reason why we cant share a love hes always good to me, good to him i try to be cause hes not rebel oh no, no, no, to me no, hes not a rebel oh no, no hes not a rebel no, no, hes not a rebel no, no, hes not a rebel oh no, no, no hes not a rebel oh no, no, no hes not a rebel no, no, no hes not a rebel oh no, no, no oath oath hes not a rebel oh no, no, no hes not a rebel oh no, no, no to me. Stephen whooo darlene love 20 feet from stardom. Well be right back. cheers and applause hey, buddy . Oh, hey, flo. You want to see something cool . Snapshot, from progressive. My Insurance Company told me not to talk to people like you. You always do what they tell you . No. Try it, and see what your good driving can save you. You dont even have to switch. Unless youre scared. Im not scared, its. You know we can still see you. No, you cant. Pretty sure we can. Try snapshot today no pressure. Well, were Peanut Butter and chocolate. Were perfect together. Nut but choco. Dont do that. He says when somethings good, why change it . Exactly. Exactly. What if you were to try Something Different . [ chocolate laughs ] yes, its mr. Butterfinger [ laughter ] im sorry. What are we doing here . Ooh [ male announcer ] its a whole new way to love Peanut Butter chocolate. Smooth and crunchy butterfinger Peanut Butter cups. Oh man lets go the other way. Um, im good. [ male announcer ] nestle. 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But before we go, before we go, folks, america lost a funny man today with the passing of harold ramis, you probably know him as he gone egon from ghostbusters or the guy who is not bill maury from stripes but through the movie he wrote or directed he made your life better and you have been quoting his films and the things he wrote for years, animal house, meatballs, stripes, caddy shack, National Lampoons vacation, groundhog day, and the human centipede. Very few people saw that one as the come de he intended. Now im not a comedian but if i was, as a young bookish man with glasses looking for a role model, i might have picked harold ramis. Thank you, harold. Good night. cheers and applause no, no, no, oh. Oh yeah, yeah. No, no, no. O cheers and applause woman 1 you were disrespectful to me. Woman 2 thats the past. God, get a life. Woman 1 this is my life, bitch. You bitch aw, you slut. Frank ah, hold still, charlie, youre flickering. Sorry, its im trying to get you good images, but i keep getting shocked a little bit. Well, dont let that affect your work. No, im really trying not to. Its just that, you know, i had to run the wires from the other building. Building and, you know, theres asbestos in the ducts, which. Good for breathing, so im tired. Why are you watching this crap . Come on, turn the tv off. Lets go out, lets go do something, im bored. Hey, lets go dancing, huh . I want to do something. Dancing . Were watching real housewives