Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140319 : vimarsana.

Battle with our oven clock. The colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, good to have you. Stephen, stephen, stephen , stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephening Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us on this lovely monday night, in early march. Folks, some of you out there may not know t you may not know this, folks. I know some you know this but as a proud catholic, i have never really cared much for atheists. laughter if you are turning your back on gods christian teachings, then at least have the courage to call yourself a lutheran. But folks, the latest stunt by these nonbelievers is truly nonbelievable. A group called American Atheists is fighting to remove a cross on displace display at the soon to open 9 11 Memorial Museum saying the sight of it causes quote mental anguish. Stephen yes, this cross causes pen tall anguish for atheists. Who would otherwise have a carefree visit to the 9 11 museum. Now folks applause stephen folks this atheist lawsuit offends me and not just as a christian but as a lover of good public relations. Come on, atheists, youre protesting a cross in the 9 11 museum . I know you done believe god can hear you, but you realize the rest of us can, right . laughter but, but folks, president of American Atheists David Silverman just cannot let this one go. People are understanding the fact that the cross is christian, that it was installed if a religious service and on consecrated ground which makes it a work shrine on public land in a World Trade Center t a christian cross. Stephen yes, those i beams found in the wreckage can only be a crist yen cross, what other possible explanation could there be from a Building Made of right angles to leave Something Like that behind . Apparently, apparently atheists want to honor lack of belief at ground zero. So i personally think the entire tragedy already suggests that religious fervour sometimes has a downside. Jim . They say that if this cross is going to stand if a museum they want to have a placke that honors all of the atheists who died on 9 11 as well. Stephen let me get this straight, atheists, you say the only response necessary for nonbelievers in the face of the pneum i nous is to point numb i news is to point out the grad your, to witness the splender of win wheeling bhinling galaxy, to wonder at the infinite tapestry of life and time and say there it, and here we are, we need no god . But a plaque would be nice . laughter folks, i say this attack on the 9 11 cross is just the latest sign that america is going to the bow wow. Gay marriage is legal in 17 states. Medical or Recreational Marijuana is legal in 20 states. And in colorado you can now legally mary your bong. You may now toke the bride. And folks, i think i know why. Because according to a recent study of american churches a quarter of all congregations had fewer than 50 people in the pews, leading to the new childhood game, heres the church, heres the steeple, open the doors, theres like six people in there at most. Thats not a lot. And its particularly bad among men. According to a recent abc, tpby poll while 45 of american women go to church each week, only 34 of men do. Luckily, theres a way to bring men back into the fold and it brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause pew, pew, pew. Folks, america is no less of a christian nation than its ever been, but unfortunately the old methods of putting butts in the wood seats doesnt work. Just ask kentucky Baptist Chuck mckalis mcalister who said the day of hanging a ban never front of your church and saying you are having a revival and expecting the community to show up is over. Exactly. A banner doesnt cut it any more. Youve got to at least try a jesus belowy man. applause mcalister has a much better way to get men into church. Host of Television Show venture bound outdoors. Were excited that were going to be in the area at Baptist Church on thursday march 6th. You dont want to miss it. Free admission, free steak dinner and get this, 25 guns. Stephen 25 guns. applause come on no other religion out there is going to be able to compete with free steaks and guns. What are the hindu goesing to offer, a bowl of chickpeas and the knowledge that in a previous life you were a bowl of chickpeas . laughter you see, folks, people used to go to church for a lot of reasons. They would go for a sense of community, upholding tradition, finding answers to lifes biggest questions. But these days all of that, all of that is just intangible. And these days people want something more. Plus laughter giving out free guns is consistent with christs message. As mcalister reminded us, quote, jesus was pretty handy with the whip when he ran the money changers out of the temple. Yes, yes, remember, jesus uses a whip in that gospel story. But folks people, people in kentucky dont use whips. No, people in kentucky, they use guns. They love guns. As mcalister knows that if you want to reach them, you need to speak gun. Or as mcalister puts it, hunting is huge in kentucky so we get in there and burp and scratch and talk about the right to bear arms. And that stuff. Yes. You got the burp and scratch about god like the wellknown evangelist larry the cable saint. laughter but you know what else . Folks, do you know what else guys just love . You know what guys love other than steaks and guns . Guys love strippers and unlimited shrimp. I say fill in the baptismal font with cocktail sauce, swap out that giant cross for a brass pole and switch out that collection basket for a collection g string. Now this this might not applause the truth is this might not be all kosher with the bible teachings. By the way, jews, you know what would really get guys into the synagogue, grilled pork chops. The bottom line, you got to bring men home to jesus by any means necessary. Even if that means weapons. Remember, jesus said all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword. And if churches give out enough weapons, we can bring a lot of people home to jesus for good. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause music plays i do a lot oresearch on angies list before i do any projects on my home. I love my contractor, and i am so thankful to angies list for bringing us together. Find out why more than two million members count on angies list. Angies list reviews you can trust. Without any of the work. Bud light lime limearita is ready when you are, with a refreshing twist of bud light lime. Just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. And now try new mango and razberrita. E. Just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. Welcome back, everybody, my guest tonighted host of cosmos, viewed in 45 languages, 171 countries but only one universe, please welcome Neil Degrasse tyson. Neil, good to see you again, thanks for coming back. Thank you, thank you. Well, well, well. I love what you have done with the place. Thank you very much. This is a live feed from the universe. This is from the cosmos right now. Every sight line we have is live feed from the universe. Stephen dont blow my mind yet, okay. We have the whole show to do it here. You cant blow my mind in the first ten seconds, all right . All right. Stephen good to see you again. Thank you, its been awhile. Stephen this is your tenth time on the show. cheers and applause no gust has been on as many times. I knew you before you were a global superstar, all right. I get my beak wet on this one, you know me a Little Something on this one. Now for the few people dont know around the globe watching right now, director of the hayden planetarium, museum of Natural History in new york. Wrote ten book, received the Nasa Distinguished Public Service Medal and host of cosmos, space time odyssey which premiered last night on fox. I like that. Stephen this is space time, space time right here. applause now we all watched show when we were kids with carl sagan, what is it like to step into his turtleneck . laughter you knew sagan. I have a little one here, a little homage. Stephen americans never got to see sagans neck. We never knew what it looked like. What is it like stepping into his shoe, did you know him . We met when i was in high school. I was a 17yearold kid, born ined brntion where im from. And i bronx in the house. So i, my application to colleges were dripping with the universe because i had no one known i had wanted to do this since i was nine, hi an answer for all those results that ask the annoying question, what do you want to be when you grow up. By the time i was 11 i said astrophysicist and they would just walk away. They quickly ended that conversation. So unknown to me, the Admissions Office at cornell forwarded my application to carl sagan for him to react. And he then sent me a personal letter, there it was, carl he had already been on the tonight show, best selling books, already famousment and he invited me to cornell to help me decide whether i would choose cornell for my college. applause thats not even it. I went up, i went to cornell, he greeted me outside. And we went into his office, he reached back, didnt even look, pulled out one of his books, signed it to mement i still have that book. And i just thought that was just cool. He didnt even have to look which book he was pulling out and he wrote the book, right. So, so then he took me back to the cornell, ithaca, new york, started snowing as it always does. Stephen all through summer. And sow was worried that the bus wouldnt get through and he wrote down his home phone number. He said if the bus doesnt come through, call me. Spend the night with my family, leave tomorrow. And i said who am i to him. And so i realized, this is an extraordinary behavior for someone who is famous. And i said if i am ever remotely that stam famous im going to treat students the way he treated me so it affected me the rest of my life. cheers and applause stephen i just want to say forred record, are there any students out there who get caught in a snowstorm, you may not stay with me. laughter lets take a look at cosmos. The cosmic calendar begins on january 1st, with the birth of our universe. Did contains everything thats happened since then up to now, which on this calendar is midnight december 31st. On this scale, every month represents about a billion years. Every day, represents nearly 40 million years. Lets go back as far as we can to the very first moment in the universe. January 1st. The big bang. cheers and applause its as far back as we can see in time. For now. Stephen now how much sunscreen did you have to put on before they exploded. The flame proof suit. Stephen heres what bugs me, okay, you say in that little thing that all of Human History is the last 14 seconds. All written Human History. Stephen in the last 14 seconds of the calendar year, how do we know that anything happened before those 14 seconds if it wasnt written down . Arent you scientists just guessing all that stuff . Like the wig bang, like all of the rest of that cosmic calendar year, isnt that kind of just a guesstimication . No. Stephen no . We need written history to see who lives and what they did as individuals and who was king and queen and how much grain there was. That is what their written stuff, we dont need the written stuff to tell us about the geology or astra fisist, its just to get human activities on the map. Otherwise, leave it out. I will tell you where the rivers flowed, where the sediments were laid. Where the we got that. cheers and applause im just saying. Stephen in last nights show, im you also took a couple of potshots at my Catholic Church. You made the slanderous accusation that the Catholic Church was responsible for the death of scientists an people without did not agree with the church where. Did you get these accusations other than from history books . In fact, the people who put geedoneo bruno to death who was our hero of that story, was not the Catholic Church t was the roman authorities and we say that. Oh really. Yeah. So with. So the Catholic Church has been good for accept your apology. Technically their hands are clean of his death because they didnt burn him at the stake, the roman authorities burned him at the stake, technicallyment but they were executing the i mean that was the punishment. Stephen they were just obeying orders. So, so the point is we made it clear, it was the inquisition that was responsible here. So thats a piece of what was then the Catholic Church and it is a piece that is no longer. Stephen okay. So youre not afraid of being burned at the stake for this show. No. Stephen so if you have the courage stick around because ive got some kind ling to put at your feet when we come back. Well be right back with well be right back with more Neil Degrasse tyson. Maybe traveling for work sounds glamorous, but have you been on an airplane lately . Oh. [ man ] man, this things got a lot of onions. Its good, though. I really wouldnt survive it without this scarf. Its like a little bit of home i can stuff in my bag. Mmm. And i have tide plus febreze, which now gets it fresher for longer, so i can stay happy even when do you need a napkin . Yeah. Napkin okay. Oh oh, my gosh. Getting ripe in here, huh . Whew [ ding ] [ female announcer ] tide plus febreze. Thats my tide plus. [ female announcer ] tide plus febreze. How do you do it . You go godzilla seriously uhh there he goes woo ya [ roars ] [ all ] awww what . Godzillas actually pretty cool. Except when hes hungry. [ roars ] [ people screaming ] quick, throw him a snickers® mmm woo, yeah [ male announcer ] youre not you when youre hungry®, snickers® satisfies. See the new godzilla in theatres may 16th. Stephen were back with Neil Degrasse toyson talking about the new Television Show cosmos. All right, why did you, neil, the show was great, i really enjoyed it. And so do pie kids, but why did you want to make this show . We already had one, you know, 34 years ago. Why do it again . Has science really changed all that much . No, the times had come. It was so not only has science vince then we discovered a thousand exo planets, the his boson, we have discovered the we have strong ideas that a multibirth exists. I mean the list goes on and on. Stephen multibirth. A multibirth. Well, it may not be just one universe. There may be many universes. But there wasnt doesnt science depend on experimentation. How are you going to bring in the other Neil Degrasse tyson it is a theoretical theory at this point but an intriguing one with compelling argues for why it would be so. You get people excited about time. We also discovered dark energy. This has been a serious pressure in the vacuum of space pushing against the wishes of the collective gravity of all the galaxies making expanding universe accelerate. All in the last 34 years. Here is what i dont like. I saw you on the cnn talking about how important science is. Yeah. And that science says that we shouldnt have both sides of every debate. You know. Like we cant have people who say the berth is round and bring on flat earthers too. Dont you want it to be fair and balanced. That would be a waste of everyones time. Why. Once science has been established, once a scientific truth emerges from a consensus of experiments and observations, it is the way of the world. So say you. But what about those, but is the science in on science . What im saying is when different experiments give you the same results, it is no longer subject to your opinion. Thats the good thing about it. Its true, whether or not you believe in it, thats why it works cheers and applause stephen so if my side of the argue, lets just say for the sake of the argument that the blei believed the world was flat and you believe the world is round. Dont i deserve more time for my argument because mine is a much harder case to make . You get to say the world is flat because we live in a country that guarantees your free speech. But its not a country that guarantees that anything you say is correct. Kmeers plaus. Im just saying. Stephen that is such a libra thing to say. laughter you are a lib ra, arent you. I am libra. Stephen okay. What do you think would have surprised carl sagan most about what has changed in our knowledge of the universe since his death in this. 1996. I think what would surprise him the most is that we still have to argue that science is something important in society. That is what would surprise him the most. applause for starters. Scientifically, i think he would find the idea of the multiverse pretty cool. Stephen the idea of the milverse is cool but so is the idea. Force. Neil, i cant wait for the next episode. Every week. Stephen thank you for joining me. Neil degrasse tyson. The cosmos. Well be right back. [ molly ] this is one way to keep your underwear clean. Heres another. Try charmin ultra strong. 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And will be for the rest of her life. Here she is with surprised kitty and look, there she is with