Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140321 : vimarsana.

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause cheers and applause Stephen Stephen stephen stevein Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause i want to thank everybody out there in america who is watching us right now. And now as you can tell, i also want to thank everybody who is in the studio right now. These people are not just an audience. These people are storm troopers for justice. cheers and applause . Folks, if you watch the show and i hope you do watch the showim as catholic as it gets, but i have not been shy about my problems with this pope. For one thing, its six months after labor kay day, and hes still wearing white. laughter so much for infallibility. But he has done a lot to broaden the appeal of the church. And theres a new development that will make the pope even more popeular than ever. The Popular Pope Francis is getting his own magazine, a 6 68page magazine hit the italian newsstands offers a glossy look into the pope as well as peeks into his personal life. Stephen starting a new print magazine boom i say, take that skeptics. This proves the church is only half a century behind the times. cheers and applause information, i just love it. El mio papa is even better than Pope Benedicts magazine. Now, folks, for a papal fan boy like me, it is a. Come true. Has cool toips where to stand in st. Peters for the apostolic blessing. It has pictures of the popes crib. Oh, yeah, thats where the abstinence happens. Plus, every issue, every issue comes with a special pullout centerfold poster of il papa. Look at that right there. cheers and applause . Look at that little dream boat. This is going up on my dream board, next to my Cardinal Dolan Shetland Pony collage. Now, folks, as a youth trend follower, you know i love the huffingtonpost. It is my goto number one source for picture of cheetos that look like masturbating men, and reports of when a starlet shows major side boob, or flawnts major side boob. Side boob, of course, often the tragic Early Warning signs of imminent nip slips. Theres more to pohuf thoon salacious stories about celebrities. There are also slacious sties about college students. College students warmp to the back door. W, obviouy, obously, that provocative teaser is just it and could mean anything, but it means exactly atyohk it mns bau acointohe ffgs east rgen cleas a sx. Liei hnytunt y c fin ebo rthtygirleesnd dnghe o rpoh n emth leer iz a feyes aohe raay az cleepar lu fmainonta irsy. He oigalieesfrien byfosu rl rs,aby udt. D tlecoidinhe tabu,xpringhe roadle traved tt, of coue, alira reference to poet robert frosts most famous penthouse letter. Now in the article, they write that a student writes in her article she citeaise study conducted by the National Survey of Family Growth from 20062008, which stated that 44 of straight men and 36 of straight women admitted to having anal sex. Lets see, 44 of straight men. I got. So thats 36 of straight women. Which means that. 8 of straight men arent as straight as they think they are. cheers and applause now, folks folks, it is this type of bold reporting that draws the youth to the new media. Old media just doesnt reflect their interests. Ive watched hours of cnns ukraine coverage, and they havent once mentioned any kind of butt business. Even better, huffpo backed up their report by experts in the field like one random student who said, im pretty sure anal sex happens on our campus, though i must say if youre just pretty sure anal sex is happening im pretty sure youre to go it wrong. laughter even though the same student has little doubt anal sex is happening at brown university. Which means laughter applause which means if youre going to brown, youre going to brown. Now, for more of the Vital National conversation about the backdoor, please welcome youth trend expert and managing editor of the Huffington Post, randy ferrar. Thank you for joining us. Good to see you. cheers and applause . Whats up, my man . Stephen its a great report, randy osomeone elses report. Grassuous. These articles dont cut and paste themselves. Stephen rapidy, is this article true . Is anal sex really rampant in colleges across america . Oh, yeah, it is definitely happening all of the time. Blowing up. Stephen randy, how old are you . 39. Stephen and youre the managing editor of the Huffington Post. So ive heard. Stephen what is your actual connection with college again . I drive a food truck around the quad, but i am always checking out the situation. Stephen so why are the students getting more interested in the, ah well, the backdoor. Because people are cool, back door, front toor, side door it dont matter. Stephen what is the side door, randy . Only one way to find out. laughter . Stephen andy, this is a pretty bold claim about a youth trend. Do you guys at the Huffington Post have anything to back it up. Backing it up is what its all about. cheers and applause . You have a finelooking audience here tonight. A of i really like the candy. Stephen randy, please tonight talk to the audience. Okay . I thought the huff igths post started as a liberal news blog that reported on National Issues like surveillance and global warming. If the whole world is warming up it it stand to reason the back door, will, too. Thats just science. This seems kind of creepy. The average age of a Huffington Post reader is over 35. So why is the site so interested in college kids sex lives. You need to loosen up old man. Let me tell you a joke, knock we dont have time. Stephen of. Knock, knock. Stephen whos there . Nobody because andy is going around to the backdoor. Stephen huff post editor randy ferrar, everyone. Randy ferrar, everyone. Well be i like it. Must see. I found a great new listing. Little busy here. I love this neighborhood. Nice. Uh huh. Its the agent. They accepted. Shut up [ laughs ] they accepted. Owww. [ male announcer ] that moment when it all comes together. Thats your moment of trulia. Why get delivery, when you can have digiorno . Delivery or digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce, digiornos rising crust pizza is better than ever thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. Stephen welcome back, everybody. National, you know ive got my opinions. Thats not a secret. But i have never been one to sit in judgment. I prefer to recline. This is ticht hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause first up on tippy canoe and the wagwag 2. I always supported the government spying programs but apparently unchecked eavesdropping on our own citizens comes with a terrible price the price. The federal government is now suing sprint over the cost of bugging peoples phones. The lawsuit filed monday claims sprint overbilled the f. B. I. And other agencies by 21 million for installing and maintaining wiretaps. Stephen classic phone company trick. You think you have an allinclusive man plan and then they hit you with the Line Maintenance charge. Ill give a tip of the hat to the u. S. Department of justice for publicly suing sprint over their topsecret wiretapping program. cheers and applause i mean, that takes balls. Its like a guy telling his wife, i want you to know im suing the prostitute that gave us both herpes. By the way, i go to prostitutes and you now have herpes. Folks it should not have come to this. So im going to have to give a side wag of the finger to barack obama for wasting almost 21 million of taxpayer cash. Mr. President , im not angry. Im just stipulated. I thought you were able to handle a widespread Surveillance Program at your age. You said you had to have one because all the other leaders of the free world did, but it was supposed to be for engineer of emergencies only. If you need thwart a major terrorist attack. Then you rack up 21 million in overage charges. You should have thought ahead and signed up for friends, family, and everyone else plan. Look, someone has to pay for this, sir, because even the president of the comiewts is bound by his cell phone agreement though apparently not by the constitution. Now, final he, folks, finally dont forget to sign upinar obamacare, by the way. Finally, i know a lot of you highigh schoolers out there are feeling the upcoming stress of the test. Ill go through sin New York Times s. A. T. , panic, anxiety, horror, and failure. But dont worry. Dont worry. You will do fine, and if you dont, the cops scwenses will haunt you for the reft of your life. The number of employers are asking job applicants if s. A. T. Scoardz. Were talking about people in their 40sand 50. According to the wall street journal consulting firms and banks are asking them even for senior and managementlevel job. Stephen im giving a tip of the hat to wall street for ensure one tempt on one at a in the spring of your junior year seals your fate forever. Why should we stop at test scores . They should have your permanent record. Because if you were suspended for cheating, welcome to goldmans. Now critics say there is scant evidence linking high sat scores, but i know for a fact, s. A. T. Scores are the best barometer for the future, because the owner of viacom scored 1600, and i know its a good idea to say that your boss is perfecto national television. So, teams, i want you to ruminate with alacrity and because if you tank your verbal section the only question youll have to answer when youre 40 is, what kind of sexa act would pefer in exchange for food . The answer all of the above and some of the below. Well be right back. cheers and applause are you flo . Yes. Is this the thing you gave my husband . Well, yeah, yes. The name your price tool. You tell us the price you want to pay, and we give you a range of options to choose from. Careful, though that kind of power can go to your head. That explains a lot. Yo, buddy i got this. Gimme one, gimme one, gimme one the power of the name your price tool. Only from progressive. Whoa, whats that . Umm. A flatizza. Its new from subway. Whats a flatizza . Tom, im patching you in. The latest invention from subway, the new flatizza. Crispy flatbread loaded with mozzarella. Now get 2 for 5. Subway eat fresh. Directions to the nearest subway. So im going pro. [ male announcer ] new crest tartar protection rinse. The only rinse that helps prevent tartar buildup and cavities. A little swishing. Less scraping. Yes [ male announcer ] new crest prohealth tartar protection rinse. It helps you escape the scrape. Tartar protection rinse. Why get delivery, when you can have digiorno . Delivery or digiorno. Now with a flavorful new sauce, digiornos rising crust pizza is better than ever thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight graduated hool at 11, college at 15, went to law school at 15. Please welcome ronan farrow. Fly me to the moon. Thanks for coming. Now, as i said earlier, youre a rhodes scholar. Yale law school grad. Served for two years as a u. S. Diplomat in afghanistan. Now at age 26 youre the host of ronan farrow daily on msn daily. Every day. Every day. Stephen 1 00 p. M. Week days to appeal to the youth demographic of people moare just waking up from not getting to their jobs. Let me stop you there. It is not a youth show. It is a show they think and we see this in our tigital audience, which has check thes can my generation stephen what generation is that . Strange people who have worked in afghanistan and the state department and now run a tv show . But thats the target demo. These are all roads scoarls. In the universal voices of the rhodes scholars. Stephen youre 26 years old. Im 26. Stephen they hire mostly at msnbc to be shilz for the left. Are you a shill for the left . I could secretly be an oreilly type. Papa bear. You are my papa bear. Stephen really . applause what do you hope to accomplish with your show that you couldnt do with new media . Because you young people how old are you . 26. Stephen 26. You could actually still be on your Mothers Health insurance thanks to obamacare. True, true. Right, isnt that a wonderful thing . What to you hope to accomplish with that show that you couldnt accomplish with new media. Isnt the old media dead according to the yuck people. One of the advantages i was referring to earlier is not just about reaching out to people my age. Its about bridging that divide. And i found audience members old and young tonight want to be left on the side of the road. People are all ages, grandmothers saying, and i left Church Collection early to vote and be are part of your show and talk about syria and blank out my social media avatar to try to make a statement on the desk tool in syria. People are getting involved in which i think they dont often have a chance to do in cable news. Stephen what trap do you not want to fall into that you see the rest of cable news fall into . I think its a lot of rhetoric and a lot of people shouting at each other. Stephen the more you shout the brighter you. Do you shout at your guests . I studied you for the shouting technique. You do it very. But theres not enough giving people really useful, tangible information so when they walk away from a story they have something they can use to guide them, or just have a cocktail party. On your television network, msnbc, are you legally allowed to do a show without referring to Chris Christie right now . I would say, look, i as a viewer do respect the body of reporting. I have a very sensitive near the for, another is there partisanship goingy here . I think the reporting is held up. Its a story you can field on. Where to you fall on the spectrum. Are you a raging liberal or further left than that . Its not right or left. And honestly that comes from being served in government and fed up with how broken the system is and coming out with an antiestablishment bent. Its broken and shining a light from the outside seems like a good idea. Stephen wiewf been asked to tweet a call to action. Sometimes not just twitter. Sometimes its a call to a senator. Or like sir yoo, making a statement on social media. The ideal is we give you a tool set and a menu of things you actually do. Stephen do you think young people and im going to say speak for all young people. Dont you think if theres really going to be a rev liewgz in this country we cant actually be tweeting and blogs and throwing. Dont people have to get to the streets and throw bricks at windows. It didnt have to be a shaetering. The tea matter came close, but they didnt get violent as much as they were accused of it. Dont you think there has to be some kind of violent revolution in america for things to get better. Isnt it nice talking about you make a very good point. I was responsible for the arab spring. We had a Youth Revolution think tank. Im not saying everything we did worked. We created it because there was a story going around as horrible media. Sometimes twitter and facebook obscure the fact that sometimes we back the bad guys and sometimes people dont like that, and theres a feeling of being out of touch on their parents upon you are absolutely right, that no amount or tweeting will supplant real action in the real world or cover up policy that caters to a generation. I think these are all tools to communicate but theyre not an investment. Stephen you finished high school at 11 00 . You finished college at 15. You went off to law school at 16, you to the a midlife crisis. The 30ings. The golden 30s, miry tournament rerra. Thank you so much for joining me. Check it up. A short word thats a tall order. Up your game. Up the ante. And if you stumble, you get back up. Up isnt easy, and we ought to know. Were in the business of up. Everyday delta flies a quarter of Million People while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. Were raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. 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Stephen thats it for the ieshed frank dennis, stop acting like a child. Dennis i dont want to hear it, dad. Deandra, move the pool table so you and your brother can lay some grout. I am not laying grout. You guys are being babies. Babies. Sweer dee oh, were being babies, mac . Why dont you go work for your dad all day . My dads a meth dealer. Oh, no my daddys in prison. My daddy used to give hotshots to prostitutes. Feel sorry for me. I got the grout. Dad, youre not even listening to us. Are you really leaving . Yes. Later, bitches. Yeah, have a good life, now. All right, look. I know what youre doing. I can play this game. Mac and me and charlie can run the bar. Great. Great