Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140322 : vimarsana.

cheers and applause cheers and applause Stephen Stephen stephen stevein Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause i want to thank everybody out there in america who is watching us right now. And now as you can tell, i also want to thank everybody who is in the studio right now. These people are not just an audience. These people are storm troopers for justice. cheers and applause . Folks, if you watch the show and i hope you do watch the showim as catholic as it gets, but i have not been shy about my problems with this pope. For one thing, its six months after labor kay day, and hes still wearing white. laughter so much for infallibility. But he has done a lot to broaden the appeal of the church. And theres a new development that will make the pope even more popeular than ever. The Popular Pope Francis is getting his own magazine, a 6 68page magazine hit the italian newsstands offers a glossy look into the pope as well as peeks into his personal life. Stephen starting a new print magazine boom i say, take that skeptics. This proves the church is only half a century behind the times. cheers and applause information, i just love it. El mio papa is even better than Pope Benedicts magazine. Now, folks, for a papal fan boy like me, it is a. Come true. Has cool toips where to stand in st. Peters for the apostolic blessing. It has pictures of the popes crib. Oh, yeah, thats where the abstinence happens. Plus, every issue, every issue comes with a special pullout centerfold poster of il papa. Look at that right there. cheers and applause . Look at that little dream boat. This is going up on my dream board, next to my Cardinal Dolan Shetland Pony collage. Now, folks, as a youth trend follower, you know i love the huffingtonpost. It is my goto number one source for picture of cheetos that look like masturbating men, and reports of when a starlet shows major side boob, or flawnts major side boob. Side boob, of course, often the tragic Early Warning signs of imminent nip slips. Theres more to pohuf thoon salacious stories about celebrities. There are also salacious stories about college students. College students warm up to the back door. Now, obviously, obviously, that provocative teaser is just bait and could mean anything, but it means exactly what you think it means. Because according to the puffinghost, the latest rage on College Campuses is age sex. Yes, yes, it is a college fad like seeing how many students you can fit into a phone booth, and im guessing with anal sex, you can fit a lot more. Now huffingpost broke the story by rolling up their sleeves and doing the kind of reporting that won them the puleiter prize a few years ago they parafrayed fraidz a College Newspaper column from Washington State university. The original pieces of written by forsure real person, abbey student. And titled, considering the tabu, exploring the road less traveled. That, of course, a literary reference to poet robert frosts most famous penthouse letter. Now in the article, they write that a student writes in her article she citeaise study conducted by the National Survey of Family Growth from 20062008, which stated that 44 of straight men and 36 of straight women admitted to having anal sex. Lets see, 44 of straight men. I got. So thats 36 of straight women. Which means that. 8 of straight men arent as straight as they think they are. cheers and applause now, folks folks, it is this type of bold reporting that draws the youth to the new media. Old media just doesnt reflect their interests. Ive watched hours of cnns ukraine coverage, and they havent once mentioned any kind of butt business. Even better, huffpo backed up their report by experts in the field like one random student who said, im pretty sure anal sex happens on our campus, though i must say if youre just pretty sure anal sex is happening im pretty sure youre to go it wrong. laughter even though the same student has little doubt anal sex is happening at brown university. Which means laughter applause which means if youre going to brown, youre going to brown. Now, for more of the Vital National conversation about the backdoor, please welcome youth trend expert and managing editor of the Huffington Post, randy ferrar. Thank you for joining us. Good to see you. cheers and applause . Whats up, my man . Stephen its a great report, randy osomeone elses report. Grassuous. These articles dont cut and paste themselves. Stephen rapidy, is this article true . Is anal sex really rampant in colleges across america . Oh, yeah, it is definitely happening all of the time. Blowing up. Stephen randy, how old are you . 39. Stephen and youre the managing editor of the Huffington Post. So ive heard. Stephen what is your actual connection with college again . I drive a food truck around the quad, but i am always checking out the situation. Stephen so why are the students getting more interested in the, ah well, the backdoor. Because people are cool, back door, front toor, side door it dont matter. Stephen what is the side door, randy . Only one way to find out. laughter . Stephen andy, this is a pretty bold claim about a youth trend. Do you guys at the Huffington Post have anything to back it up. Backing it up is what its all about. cheers and applause . You have a finelooking audience here tonight. A of i really like the candy. Stephen randy, please tonight talk to the audience. Okay . I thought the huff igths post started as a liberal news blog that reported on National Issues like surveillance and global warming. If the whole world is warming up it it stand to reason the back door, will, too. Thats just science. This seems kind of creepy. The average age of a Huffington Post reader is over 35. So why is the site so interested in college kids sex lives. You need to loosen up old man. Let me tell you a joke, knock we dont have time. Stephen of. Knock, knock. Stephen whos there . Nobody because andy is going around to the backdoor. Stephen huff post editor randy ferrar, everyone. [ speaking russian ] i have no idea what youre saying, but count me in peanut m ms for everyone [ laughter ] wait. What . [ laughter ] same here. Wendys. Goin in 99 cents never tasted so good at wendys. Like our Chicken Nuggets or a cool frosty, each just 99 cents. Its wendys right price right size menu. Now thats better. If you do something today,ow and theres never been a better time. Because this year, Devry University has 45 million in need and meritbased scholarships and grants available to those who qualify. And this degree can make a difference. In 2012, 90 of Devry University grads actively seeking employment had careers in their field within 6 months. Now is your time. Apply by may 5th. Visit devry. Edu weve got allstate, right . Uhhuh. Yes well, i found this new thing called. [ dennis voice ] Allstate Quickfoto claim. [ normal voice ] its an app. You understand that . Just take photos of the damage with your phone and upload them to allstate. Really . So you get [dennis voice] a quicker estimate, quicker payment, [normal voice] quicker back to normal. I just did it. But maybe you can find an app that will help you explain this to your. Father. [ vehicle approaches ] [ dennis ] introducing quickfoto claim. Just another way allstate is changing Car Insurance for good. I was 80 nervous to lead the meeting. 90 confident id say the right things. But with 100 odor protection, i had nothing to worry about. [ female announcer ] only secret offers clinical strength antiperspirant in your 2 favorite forms, with 100 odor protection. Introducing new clinical strength invisible solid and new clinical strength clear gel. [ woman ] i never settle for less than 100 . [ female announcer ] secret clinical strength. Fearlessness. Apply daily. Chocolate and marshmallow meet. [ grunting ]. Inside a graham crackery shell. New krave smores. Chocolate marshmallow. Yum yum stephen welcome back, everybody. National, you know ive got my opinions. Thats not a secret. But i have never been one to sit in judgment. I prefer to recline. This is ticht hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause first up on tippy canoe and the wagwag 2. I always supported the government spying programs but apparently unchecked eavesdropping on our own citizens comes with a terrible price the price. The federal government is now suing sprint over the cost of bugging peoples phones. The lawsuit filed monday claims sprint overbilled the f. B. I. And other agencies by 21 million for installing and maintaining wiretaps. Stephen classic phone company trick. You think you have an allinclusive man plan and then they hit you with the Line Maintenance charge. Ill give a tip of the hat to the u. S. Department of justice for publicly suing sprint over their topsecret wiretapping program. cheers and applause i mean, that takes balls. Its like a guy telling his wife, i want you to know im suing the prostitute that gave us both herpes. By the way, i go to prostitutes and you now have herpes. Folks it should not have come to this. So im going to have to give a side wag of the finger to barack obama for wasting almost 21 million of taxpayer cash. Mr. President , im not angry. Im just stipulated. I thought you were able to handle a widespread Surveillance Program at your age. You said you had to have one because all the other leaders of the free world did, but it was supposed to be for engineer of emergencies only. If you need thwart a major terrorist attack. Then you rack up 21 million in overage charges. You should have thought ahead and signed up for friends, family, and everyone else plan. Look, someone has to pay for this, sir, because even the president of the comiewts is bound by his cell phone agreement though apparently not by the constitution. Now, final he, folks, finally dont forget to sign upinar obamacare, by the way. Finally, i know a lot of you highigh schoolers out there are feeling the upcoming stress of the test. Ill go through sin New York Times s. A. T. , panic, anxiety, horror, and failure. But dont worry. Dont worry. You will do fine, and if you dont, the cops scwenses will haunt you for the reft of your life. The number of employers are asking job applicants if s. A. T. Scoardz. Were talking about people in their 40sand 50. According to the wall street journal consulting firms and banks are asking them even for senior and managementlevel job. Stephen im giving a tip of the hat to wall street for ensure one tempt on one at a in the spring of your junior year seals your fate forever. Why should we stop at test scores . They should have your permanent record. Because if you were suspended for cheating, welcome to goldmans. Now critics say there is scant evidence linking high sat scores, but i know for a fact, s. A. T. Scores are the best barometer for the future, because the owner of viacom scored 1600, and i know its a good idea to say that your boss is perfecto national television. So, teams, i want you to ruminate with alacrity and because if you tank your verbal section the only question youll have to answer when youre 40 is, what kind of sexa act would pefer in exchange for food . The answer all of the above and some of the below. Well be right back. cheers and applause savin a few bucks. Same here. Wendys. Goin in 99 cents never tasted so good at wendys. Like our Chicken Nuggets or a cool frosty, each just 99 cents. Its wendys right price right size menu. Now thats better. Capital letters mean business. Or maybe that sign, with all its mighty force. Is natures way of weeding out the timid. You never know where fortune leads. New miller fortune. Undistilled with a smooth finish for spirited nights. [ male announcer ] the exceedingly nimble, ridiculously agile, tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight graduated hool at 11, college at 15, went to law school at 15. Please welcome ronan farrow. Fly me to the moon. Thanks for coming. Now, as i said earlier, youre a rhodes scholar. Yale law school grad. Served for two years as a u. S. Diplomat in afghanistan. Now at age 26 youre the host of ronan farrow daily on msn daily. Every day. Every day. Stephen 1 00 p. M. Week days to appeal to the youth demographic of people moare just waking up from not getting to their jobs. Let me stop you there. It is not a youth show. It is a show they think and we see this in our tigital audience, which has check thes can my generation stephen what generation is that . Strange people who have worked in afghanistan and the state department and now run a tv show . But thats the target demo. These are all roads scoarls. In the universal voices of the rhodes scholars. Stephen youre 26 years old. Im 26. Stephen they hire mostly at msnbc to be shilz for the left. Are you a shill for the left . I could secretly be an oreilly type. Papa bear. You are my papa bear. Stephen really . applause what do you hope to accomplish with your show that you couldnt do with new media . Because you young people how old are you . 26. Stephen 26. You could actually still be on your Mothers Health insurance thanks to obamacare. True, true. Right, isnt that a wonderful thing . What to you hope to accomplish with that show that you couldnt accomplish with new media. Isnt the old media dead according to the yuck people. One of the advantages i was referring to earlier is not just about reaching out to people my age. Its about bridging that divide. And i found audience members old and young tonight want to be left on the side of the road. People are all ages, grandmothers saying, and i left Church Collection early to vote and be are part of your show and talk about syria and blank out my social media avatar to try to make a statement on the desk tool in syria. People are getting involved in which i think they dont often have a chance to do in cable news. Stephen what trap do you not want to fall into that you see the rest of cable news fall into . I think its a lot of rhetoric and a lot of people shouting at each other. Stephen the more you shout the brighter you. Do you shout at your guests . I studied you for the shouting technique. You do it very. But theres not enough giving people really useful, tangible information so when they walk away from a story they have something they can use to guide them, or just have a cocktail party. On your television network, msnbc, are you legally allowed to do a show without referring to Chris Christie right now . I would say, look, i as a viewer do respect the body of reporting. I have a very sensitive near the for, another is there partisanship goingy here . I think the reporting is held up. Its a story you can field on. Where to you fall on the spectrum. Are you a raging liberal or further left than that . Its not right or left. And honestly that comes from being served in government and fed up with how broken the system is and coming out with an antiestablishment bent. Its broken and shining a light from the outside seems like a good idea. Stephen wiewf been asked to tweet a call to action. Sometimes not just twitter. Sometimes its a call to a senator. Or like sir yoo, making a statement on social media. The ideal is we give you a tool set and a menu of things you actually do. Stephen do you think young people and im going to say speak for all young people. Dont you think if theres really going to be a rev liewgz in this country we cant actually be tweeting and blogs and throwing. Dont people have to get to the streets and throw bricks at windows. It didnt have to be a shaetering. The tea matter came close, but they didnt get violent as much as they were accused of it. Dont you think there has to be some kind of violent revolution in america for things to get better. Isnt it nice talking about you make a very good point. I was responsible for the arab spring. We had a Youth Revolution think tank. Im not saying everything we did worked. We created it because there was a story going around as horrible media. Sometimes twitter and facebook obscure the fact that sometimes we back the bad guys and sometimes people dont like that, and theres a feeling of being out of touch on their parents upon you are absolutely right, that no amount or tweeting will supplant real action in the real world or cover up policy that caters to a generation. I think these are all tools to communicate but theyre not an investment. Stephen you finished high school at 11 00 . You finished college at 15. You went off to law school at 16, you to the a midlife crisis. The 30ings. The golden 30s, miry tournament rerra. Tournament rerra. Thank you so much for joining [ man ] i put new speed stick gear to the toughest test i could think of. I call it canyon swing. The result, 48 hours of sweat protection. New speed stick gear. Engineered for advanced performance. [ male announcer ] the exceedingly nimble, ridiculously agile, tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. From crest 3d white, new brilliance toothpaste and boost. 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Bud light lime strawberrita is perfectly mixed with a refreshing twist of bud light lime. Just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. And now try new mango and razberrita. cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the ieshed fro. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. My guest tonight a young man named jason bateman. Assist i comedian turned first time film director. He is quite tal entered. Remember talented. But first remember in 2005 we found out the c. I. A. Was authorized to use interrogation techniques on prisoners that could be described as torture. I did say could . I meant should have been described as torture but for some reason were not described that way